The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (13 page)

You Can Say “I Do,” But the Law Still Usually Says “You Don't”

Currently, only seven states plus Washington, D.C., issue licenses to same-sex couples, and Maryland, New Jersey, and Rhode Island recognize marriages from those states. So before you start making your guest list and hyphenating your last names, remember that you will probably continue to lose out on a number of benefits that your cousin Bernice automatically received when she got married.

The number of federal rights and responsibilities that come with marriage has been tallied at over 1,100, but due to the passage of the Defense of Marriage Act in 1996, you don't get any of those. (Yet.) Other perks vary from state to state, and include employee benefit-plan coverage (health insurance, bereavement leave, pension plans), joint income-tax filing, Social Security survivors benefits, reduction of estate taxes, visitation rights, child-custody rights, tenancy rights, conservator-ship, reduced auto and homeowners' insurance rates, community property, and even jurisprudence (if Bernice's hubby robs a Starbucks, she can't be forced to testify against him). All this because Bernice married Don and not Donna.

Some of these benefits are granted to same-sex partners in some states under the name of
domestic partnerships
or
civil unions.
In certain states such as Oregon, domestic partnership is almost equivalent to marriage. Depending on the specific situation, domestic partnership can qualify you for anything from taking over a rent-stabilized apartment lease to sharing in your significant other's dental insurance policy. In other cases, domestic partnership is purely symbolic, and people sign up for political or emotional reasons.

Struck by a Thunderbolt

We can cite Kinsey till the cows come home, but statistics just never get the point across the way stories do. Here are a few personal insights into the decision to get married:

George and David knew each other a year and a half before getting married in the Church of Religious Science, with eighty guests in attendance.

I didn't know the moment we met, but almost from the time we met… I knew that this is the man I want to grow old with and spend the rest of my life with and all that corny stuff that you hear. I can't really explain it, but I knew it.

—George

Joe and Randy moved in together and exchanged wedding rings soon after they met. They had a union ceremony on the fifth anniversary of their first date and have been together for almost twenty-five years.

If someone were to ask me what was the best day of my life, it would be the wedding day. Maybe it's because of the planning that goes into it. For three months you didn't think of anything else, so there's that anticipation. We had the white tuxes, we had the bouton-nieres, and both of us just looked so great that day. The weather was perfect, the exotic flowers, the view of the coast. . . it was the most perfect day.

—Joe

Jane and Peggy had dated for ten years and had lived together for four before they committed to committing.

Look, we figured, we're not getting any younger. We wanted to have some kids and settle down. Having a wedding finally made sense to us.

—Peggy

Both Victoria and Shirley had previously been married to men. Shirley proposed to Victoria after they had been dating for a few months. They had their wedding a year later.

I'd had weddings before but this was the wedding I'd always wanted.

—Victoria

The way I am, I knew when I met her that this was going to be forever. We went to pick out an engagement ring, and when I brought it home, I got down on one knee and said, “Victoria, I love you with all my heart. Will you be my bride?”

—Shirley

In 1996, Connie and Stephanie had a commitment ceremony in their synagogue and a big reception afterward. In 2008, when the California State Supreme Court ruled that same-sex marriage must be allowed, they decided to have another ceremony.

When we had our first ceremony, we wanted this amazing love sanctified and celebrated in the most powerful way that couples affirm their bond: marriage. And we wouldn't wait for the state's recognition. We had an unforgettable celebration, but missing, of course, was the iconic phrase that usually seals the deal: “By the powers vested in me by the state of California, I now pronounce you…”

Twelve years later, when the court ruled that the rights, protections, and responsibilities of marriage should be extended to same-sex couples, Stephanie and I knew we had some unfinished business. We wanted that pronouncement from the state, which not only recognized our emotional interdependence but our economic interdependence. And if those rights only lasted for a brief period of time, we would still seize the day—and then fight like hell to get them back.

Since this was a civil recognition and we already had a spiritual marriage, the logical place to renew our vows would be the courthouse or the rabbi's study. But it just felt too small, too minimizing for such a miraculous moment in our history. And so we would be wed again, under a gorgeous chuppah in front of our dearly beloved. But this was no “take two.” This was a ceremony that celebrated our fifteen years together and all the joys, challenges, and life transitions since our first wedding that have made our relationship stronger and deeper.

—Connie

“Do I?”

There's been a common thread in the stories of all of the happily married lesbian and gay couples we've interviewed—a moment when each person looked at his or her mate and thought,
This is the one.
For some couples, this moment came the first time they laid eyes on one another; other couples went through some rocky years before it hit them. Some couples made homes together for a decade before deciding to take the plunge; others moved in on the first date and never moved out. The amount of time doesn't really matter; if this is the person you're destined to spend the rest of your life with, you'll know it.

But not everyone in long-term relationships wants to get married, even those living in states where it's legal. “I'm not the marrying kind,” Sophia told us. When couples started lining up in California to get married before the November 2008 election could possibly overrule it, the soul-searching began. Seemingly every longtime couple got asked when they were getting married. It felt as if the entire coupled gay community was put under a microscope, and as one friend told us, “We're really feeling pressured to get married.” Many discovered that it's possible to feel euphoric over the gay community's gaining the right to marry while being personally ambivalent about actually doing so.

Is this a peek into a future where gay marriage is legal all over the United States? Will it put the squeeze on gay couples living “in sin” to get serious and make it official? If a lesbian's partner refuses to marry her, will she move on to someone else who is more marriage minded? Will bookstores be inundated with bestsellers bearing titles like
The Man's Guide to Marrying Mr. Right
and
How to Meet and Marry Your Lesbian Lover in Ninety Days?
Will people look at a gay man strangely if he hits a certain age and isn't married? (“Poor thing, he's destined to be an old maid.”) Will parents choose a certain university for their child because it has a medical school loaded with eligible lesbians and gays?

No, our hopes are this: that the LGBT community, once having secured full marriage rights, will
continue to trailblaze. We will approach marriage as something that connects us to a thread of human history, but that does not put us into a neat little box and attempt to define our relationships. We will enlarge, rather than diminish, the institution of marriage. Gays and lesbians will get married if and when they want to, but
only
if they want to.

Just because it may not be legal and it may be easy to get out of doesn't mean that you should take this step lightly. If you want your wedding to mean anything to the other people in your life, it had better mean something to you first. Here are some of the less compelling reasons for a couple to get married:

SEVEN BAD REASONS TO GET MARRIED

• All of your friends say you bicker like an old married couple already.

• You need a new toaster oven.

• You think you look really great in a tuxedo and don't get enough chances to wear one.

• Since meeting last week, the two of you have not had a single disagreement.

• Both of you name
All About Eve
as your favorite movie of all time.

• She's the best two-step partner you've ever had.

• “Because I want my name on the condo.”

Perhaps at this point you're a bit confused about terminology.
Webster's
says that a wedding is (among other things) “the act or an instance of harmonious blending.” We think that's applicable. In this book, we go all the way with the idea of a
wedding
—including options such as something borrowed, something blue; best men losing the rings; bridesmaids enveloped in turquoise tulle; and guests fighting over the centerpiece. But we'll also give you a whole range of possibilities on the less traditional end of the scale.

THEN
&
NOW