The Edge of Juniper (18 page)

“Shh, you’re supposed to listen,” she hissed.  “The guy’s going over the safety rules.

“I feel safer with you here,” Malcolm whispered in my ear.  “After all, you were going to be a lifeguard.”

I couldn’t get over the way Celia and Paul were talking and laughing together.  After an awkward start with all of us either learning or relearning how to paddle, we had spent two beautiful hours drifting over the water in our kayaks.  Nobody capsized, although there had been two small crashes, and Celia and I both got stuck in the roots at the water’s edge a few times.  Interestingly enough, every time Celia got stuck, Paul insisted he was the one who could help her get unstuck.

We were starving, but too sweaty and dirty to feel like going out to a restaurant, so we bought a heap of food at the closest grocery store and were now sitting on the grass stuffing our faces with rotisserie chicken and potato salad.  Malcolm and I watched incredulously as Celia and Paul hit it off.

Malcolm might not have been as pleased as me by this development, because at the moment, they were laughing about how he screamed when Paul’s kayak bumped his from behind.  His normally very deep voice had gone rather high and tinny, and the corner of my mouth quirked up at the memory.

“You screamed when Celia shoved you into that log,” he said to Paul.

“No, I was hollering my joy into nature, not screaming my fear into the hearts of all the other kayakers.  Your scream scared that little girl in the other group.”

“Anybody know if she finished the route?” I asked.  “I didn’t see her again after that.”  I had been impressed that such a small child had her own little kayak.  She was better at paddling than I was.

“I saw her when we turned our paddles back in,” Celia said.  “She looked plenty hot and sweaty, like she had a lot of fun.”

Paul looked at her somberly.  “Indeed, Celia, the most fun things to do
are
hot and sweaty.”

Celia snorted a laugh and slapped him on the knee.

“Are you seeing this?” I said to Malcolm.  “I mean, he got her to laugh with one puny, middle-school-level dirty joke.  I’m not sure who we brought along, but it isn’t the Celia I know.”

Celia’s face turned serious.  “You know, you’re right.  It wasn’t that funny.  Sorry, Paul, but I take back my laugh.”

“Good for you, Celia.  Make him earn it.  By the way, have you noticed that you are in a fantastic mood this afternoon?”

“I guess I am.”  She looked skyward for a moment, and it seemed like she was trying to decide if she should say something.  “It’s nice to be out of town, away from my house and my fighting parents.”

Malcolm leaned over and kissed the top of my head.  It was a comforting gesture, and if this was having a boyfriend, I was all about it.

“They fight pretty bad?” Paul asked her, joking set aside and genuine concern on his face.

“I don’t know.  I never thought it was that bad.  Then Fay came, and seeing it the way she sees it changed something about the way I see it.  Her parents are getting divorced and even they don’t fight the way my parents do.”

“My parents aren’t getting divorced.  That’s the whole point of me being here.”  I smiled to make sure they all knew it was true.

Malcolm kissed my head again.  This time it wasn’t comforting.  It felt like a pity kiss.  I leaned away from him and took a big bite of chicken.

“It’s good to see things for what they are,” Malcolm said to Celia.

“I don’t know,” said Paul.  “Living with your head in the sand is sometimes the best way through.”

I noticed Celia smile softly at him.  He wasn’t wrong.

“No, that’s just denial and it’s not healthy,” Malcolm said.  He wasn’t wrong either.  I tried not to apply what they were saying to my own situation with my parents.  If my head was in the sand, I wanted to keep it there and call it hope.  Maybe that was denial, but it was what I wanted for now.

“Paul, what are your parents like?” I asked.

“There’s only my mom.”

“His dad left when he was a baby and never came back,” Celia told me.  “His mom is still in love with his dad and won’t date or anything.”

“Celia, you have no tact,” I said.

“Nah, she’s right,” said Paul.  “Small town, everybody knows.  I don’t care.”  I heard the wobble in his voice.

“Don’t give her a free pass just because you have a crush on her.” Malcolm’s voice was teasing, bringing back the lightness we all needed.

Celia smiled wide, and she batted her eyes at Paul in an exaggerated manner, and affected a southern accent.  “You have a crush on me, Paulie?  How interestin’.”

First Paul’s neck turned red, and then that redness crept up to cover his cheeks.  I watched to see if it would reach his hairline, but alas, it stopped at his eyes, which were glaring at Malcolm.  “Don’t worry about it, Celia.  That was a long time ago.”

“I wasn’t worried, I was flattered.”

“You’re with Ronan.”

“That doesn’t mean I can’t like it when someone has a crush on me.”

Paul smiled down into his drink.

Celia looked lost in thought as she sipped her tea.  I scooted closer to Malcolm and leaned back against him. He kissed my hair again, and once again it was comforting.

14

A
few nights
later, Malcolm and I were back at the Tate pond.  I knew Celia was right, and that deliberately defying grownups shouldn’t be the type of rebellion that thrilled me, but there I was, feeling excited that I had snuck out to be with Malcolm.  Maybe it was because my parents gave me such a long leash that sneaking out from Celia’s house was still a little thrilling.

Granted, it wasn’t true sneaking out, because it wasn’t past curfew yet, but both my aunt and uncle were in Bakerstown having dinner and drinks with old friends.  They weren’t going to be home until very late.  They’d told us we were to stay home, and even Celia was obeying them.  Ronan had come to see her at work that morning, and she told him not to bother coming over later.  When I asked her about it after he stormed out, she said she’d rather watch a movie with Abe.  I liked to think her day with Paul had been illuminating, showing her what she could have.  She had given me her blessing to go out tonight, which meant she’d cover for me if necessary.

So the risks I was taking as they pertained to my family were low.  I, however, still felt charged with energy, as I looked over at the boy sitting at the edge of the pond with me, our feet in the water.  It was such a hot night the water almost felt too warm.

I swirled my feet around in circles, noting how my brain was also circling around.  I had already used up so much of my time here. I still wanted to savor every feeling, but I was confused about which things I was ready for, and which things couldn’t be rushed.

I stood up and slipped off my shorts and T-shirt.  I wasn’t embarrassed for Malcolm to see me in my bikini anymore.  I walked in until the water reached my waist, then sunk down and let the water cover my head.  When I came up for air, I looked at Malcolm, still sitting on the grass with his hair on fire in the sunset.

He watched me a moment before he stood up and copied the movements I had just made.  He took off his shirt, waded into the water, and slipped under.  He came up right beside me.

I reached up and raked my fingers across his hair.  “I may have chocolate eyes, but you have chocolate syrup hair.”

He wiped the dripping water off his face with both palms.  “Are you teasing me about my exceptional poem?”

“I would never.  That poem was the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“Better than this?”  He put his hands on my hips and pulled me to him.  When our bare stomachs touched, he moved his hands around to my back.  He covered my mouth with his, in a kiss designed to make my knees weak.

When he pulled away, I said, “That was perfect.  But the poem was perfect too.  That’s when I knew you had as big a crush on me as I had on you.”

“Bigger.”

“I don’t know. I saw you first.  So I crushed longer.”

“You saw me three seconds before I saw you.  And you tried to deny your feelings.”

We waded farther out into the water, and when we got to where I couldn’t touch but he still could, he lifted me a little.  Feeling bold, I wrapped my legs around his waist.  He sucked in a breath and I liked that he was as far gone as I was.  I didn’t dare move a muscle, afraid he would put me down.

“No way, good sir.  I denied nothing—to myself anyway.”

He rested his forehead against mine.

I placed my hands on his chest, curling my fingers into his skin.  It fascinated me the way his skin felt thicker than mine, the way his muscles seemed right under the surface, tightly bound under his skin.

“Malcolm, would you have sex with me tonight?”

He pulled his head back at the speed of light and put a little distance between our torsos.  “Why are you asking me that?”

I laughed.  “That came out wrong.  It was a hypothetical question.  I was just curious if you
would
, if I said I wanted to.  I was asking
would you
, not
will you
.”

He looked at me with some hesitation in his eyes.  “No, Fay, I wouldn’t.  But not because I don’t want to.”

I squeezed him tight around the neck.  “Good.  I’m glad that was your answer.  I wouldn’t either, if you asked me to.”

The silence brimmed with awkward tension.  “How would you know when you’re ready?” he ventured.

“I don’t know, exactly.  I think probably I should be more comfortable talking about it than I am right this moment.  You know, naked emotionally before naked physically.” I smiled at him, trying to shush my nerves.  “This makes me feel really…exposed.”

“I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.  What would help?”

“You tell me what would make you feel ready.”

He ran his hands up and down my back, soothing me and energizing me all at once.  “I’ve actually thought about it a lot.”

“Oh have you, now?”

He chuckled.  “Well, yeah.  To feel ready, I’d have to be in love, obviously.  There has to be deep trust.  And I think there needs to be some time passing.  I don’t know how much time, but enough so that it feels right.  There, that was some of them. Now you go.”

I relaxed in his arms, grateful he was willing to be so open with me, grateful he was who he was and that he wanted to go slowly and make it matter.  “I agree with that list.  And, I think there should be the expectation of a long relationship.”

We were quiet for a minute, studying each other’s faces.

“Falling in love with you and trusting you aren’t going to be a problem.  But you’re leaving in a few weeks.”

“That is a problem.”  I laid my head down on his chest, and listened to the heavy thump of his heart, the whispery sounds of his breathing.

After a long time, he spoke.  “We have tonight.”

I lifted my head and smiled softly at him.  “Yes.  Tonight.”

“What should we do with it?”

“Let’s kiss and talk and when the first star comes out, let’s make a wish for more time.”

I was ten minutes past curfew.  I said a silent prayer that my aunt and uncle hadn’t come home early.  I sighed in relief as the house came into sight and the car was not parked out front.  I walked right in the front door.  When I stepped into the dark living room, an arm reached out and snatched mine, pulling me quickly through the living room and down the hall.

In Celia’s room, I switched on the light and she immediately switched it off.  “Fay!” she whisper-yelled.  “Mom is in the kitchen.  They got home half an hour ago.”

“Oh my God.  I’m sorry, and I’m late too.  Why did they come back early?”

“I don’t know, but mom was giving Dad the silent treatment.  I was going to tell them that you were already asleep or in a bath or something, but they were so wrapped up in their own stuff that they didn’t even notice me.  Dad took off for the bar a few minutes ago.”

I sank down onto my bed, my damp swimsuit irritating underneath my clothes.  “I shouldn’t have gone.  You could have gotten in trouble, all because I wanted to kiss Malcolm a thousand times.”

“Nah, it’s fine.  I’d have done the same thing if I had anywhere good to go.  And now you owe me again.  So, a thousand kisses, huh?  Did you guys finally do it?”

“Celia, how do you manage to make me feel so grateful for you and yet so annoyed by you all in one breath?”

“It’s a talent I have.  So, did you?  You know we talk about these things.  So spill it.”  She sat on the end of my bed, waiting eagerly.

“We did not do it.  What we did do was intimate enough.”

“That sounds juicy.  Details?”

I leaned close, like I was going to share a big secret.  “We peeled back each others’ skulls and excavated our brains.”

“You’re disgusting and weird.”  But she smiled.

“It’s true.  We talked about real stuff.  For hours.  Sure, there was kissing, but the things we said…Celia, is this how falling in love starts?”

She looked at me with a sad look in her eye.  “I think it must be.”

I hugged my knees to my chest.  “We probably don’t know each other well enough for it to be love yet.  But maybe it is the beginning of it.  Tell me how it was with Ronan, when you knew you loved him.”

“I think I’m going to break up with Ronan.”

“What?”  I unclasped myself and rested my hands on her knees.  “Are you okay?”

“I guess I’m okay, other than feeling like a fool.  Esta called me tonight.  She told me that Molly saw Ronan the other night at a baseball game in Bakerstown, kissing some girl.  Molly’s brother plays, that’s why she was there.  Anyway, I’m not even going to tell Ronan I know.”  Her voice was light, dismissive, the tone she always used when she didn’t want to admit something mattered to her.

“Why not?  Why wouldn’t you confront him about it?”

“Because if I do, he’ll talk me into staying with him.  He’ll tell me it didn’t happen, or it didn’t mean anything, and that he’ll never do it again.  And I’ll believe him and I’ll stay, and it’ll happen again.”

“Celia, has it happened before?”

“I thought if I had sex with him, he’d stop cheating on me.”  She sniffled.

I pulled her to me and squeezed tight.  “Why didn’t you ever tell me any of this?”

“I wanted you to think I had a great relationship.  I didn’t want you to tell me I was stupid for staying with him.  I just wanted to stay with him.  When we’re together, when he’s paying attention to me, he makes me feel really good.  But after this, I don’t think I can keep pretending I don’t see all the bad parts about him.”

She cried quietly for a little while.  Then she said, “I didn’t want you to see how messed up I am.”

“Oh, Celia.  That’s what friendship is —sharing your messed up self and being loved anyway.  Family especially, that’s exactly what family is for.  I’m the one you
can
be messed up with.  You don’t have to impress me.  Just be.  Can you just
be
?”

“This summer hasn’t gone the way I hoped,” she said, her face still smooshed into my shirt.

“Before when I visited, we only had a week together.  It’s easy to put on your best face for a few days.  Any longer than that, and things start getting real.”

“You sure have seen the real mess that is my family.”

“Your family is my family.  And anyway, you’re forgetting that the reason I’m here is because my family is a mess.  At least your parents are still together.”

“Yeah, they’re together all right.  Can we just go to sleep?  I’m suddenly exhausted.”  And angry.  She seemed suddenly angry.

“But don’t you want to talk any more about Ronan?”

“No.  Not to you.”

“Why not me?  What’s wrong with talking to me?”

“You think your life is a mess, but honestly, I’m a little bit sick over how perfect your life is right now.  Your parents are building a freaking school, being super special do-gooders and they’re trying to improve their already almost perfect marriage.  You’re falling in love with a hot senior guy who treats you like a princess.  I’m jealous, okay? So no, I can’t talk to you about Ronan.”

I watched her change into her pajamas, telling myself that she was just upset, so I wouldn’t get mad too. “Fine.  But you can always cry on my shoulder.  I mean it.”

“Whatever.”  Her face crumbled for a second, then she managed to paste on an indifferent expression. “When you and Malcolm break up at the end of the summer, then I’ll be able to talk to you about Ronan.”

“That’s great, Celia.  Just great.” Even knowing her tendency to lash out when she’s hurting didn’t stop me from feeling the sting.  I went into the bathroom and shut the door, eager to wash the pond and her tears off my skin.

My shoes slapped the pavement, expressing the anger I was trying to hold inside.  Aside from waking me at six, Celia hadn’t spoken to me all morning as we got ready for work.  Sleeping on it hadn’t made me any less upset about what she said.

She looked down at my feet, then moved her glance up, regret on her face.  “About last night, I’m sorry.”

I sighed.  “You were upset.”

“But it’s not like it makes me feel better to drag you down with me.  Afterward, it just gives me something else to feel bad about.”

“Do you really think my life is perfect?”

She shuffled her feet.  “Nobody’s life is perfect.  I know that.  And I’m not really jealous of you.  It’s not like I’d switch lives or anything.  It would just be nice if some parts of my life were different.”

“Everybody feels that way.”  We walked slowly, quietly.  “I’d love to live out in the woods if I could, or even here in Juniper.  I love small towns.”

She laughed.  “Okay, that’s one thing I would trade with you.  I’d love to live in the city.”

“Here’s the good thing about that, though.  We only have a few more years, then we get to move wherever we want, and do anything we want.”

“I have longer than you.”

“Only a year longer.”

“No, I mean I don’t get to go away until Abe graduates.”

“So you’re really going to stick around here to wait for Abe to grow up?  What about college?”