The Edge of Juniper (14 page)

I brushed his hand away and took a step back.  “Maybe I should take a night off from seeing you.  Spend some time with Celia.”

“That’s fine, Fay.  I understand.  If you change your mind though, just say so.”

“Okay.  I better go get a shower and get ready for work.”  I raised my hand in an awkward wave that didn’t feel personal enough.  But after the thoughts I’d just had, anything more would have left me laid too bare.

The restaurant was busy that night, and after four hours, my feet hurt.  I asked Heidi if I could have an extra break, even though there was only one hour left of my shift.  After she agreed, I went out the back door to sit on the steps.  I rolled my feet on the gravel, which felt good, and looked up at the darkening sky.

The door opened behind me, and Celia stepped out.  “I got Esta to cover my tables.  Man, my feet are screaming tonight.”  She sank down onto the step beside me.

“Yeah.  Too bad we can’t just go home and go to bed.  At least we’ll get to sit down and put our feet up at Esta’s.”

She took a deep breath and looked at me.  “Don’t get mad, but I’m not going to Esta’s.  I’m going out with Ronan.”

“What?  Celia!  I was sitting right there when you made that plan with her, just
this morning
.  You can’t keep cancelling your plans with your friends, not to mention me.  What about our cousin time?”

She sighed heavily.  “I know, and I feel bad.  But listen, let me tell you something.”  She wrapped her hands around her knees and wouldn’t meet my eyes.  “Once you have sex with your boyfriend, he’s going to want to do it every time he sees you.”

I narrowed my eyes at her, thinking about that.  “Every time?”

“Yes, and he gets irritated if we can’t find a place to do it, or if it’s been too many days.”

“I don’t know, Celia.  Have you considered that may be a Ronan thing, and not a boyfriend thing?”

“Have you ever had a boyfriend?  Let alone a boyfriend you’ve had sex with?”  She gave me a superior look.

“If I had a boyfriend I loved enough to have sex with, I hope we’d enjoy doing more things together than just having sex.  Like
talking
to each other.  Laughing.  Playing games and just hanging out.  And he’d want me to spend time with my friends.  And if he wanted to have sex and I didn’t, I’d tell him no.”

“It’s easy to say you’d tell him no.  It’s much harder to actually do.  Plus, maybe I want to.  I never said I didn’t.”

I looked at her, a disturbing thought occurring to me.  “Are you afraid he’ll break up with you if you don’t do what he wants?”

“I’m not
afraid
of it.  I’m just aware of the possibility.”

“Do you realize that’s not healthy?”

She shrugged.  “I love him.”

“I don’t like this, Celia.”

“You don’t have to like it, Fay.  He wants me, and I love that.  I need that.”

We sat in silence for a while longer, our legs stretched out in front of us, my heart clenched up in my chest.  “I like
you,
even if you don’t always do what I want you to, or what I think you should do.  Your boyfriend should offer you the same courtesy.”

“Drop it,” she said, smiling over at me.

“Fine,” I said, smiling back.  “But hey, what about me?  If you’re going out with Ronan, am I still supposed to go to Esta’s?”

“You can if you want, but she’s pretty mad at me for cancelling.”  She stood and held the door open for me.  “We better go in.”

When we walked back into the kitchen, Heidi waved her hands at us maniacally.  “Girls.  Get back to work.  A crowd just came in.”

I peeked into the dining room, and there were people standing by the door waiting for a clean table.  I grabbed my tub and a dishcloth to wipe the tables.  As I helped seat people, and the crowd at the door thinned, I saw Malcolm standing beside the gumball machine.  With all the people milling around, and in my rush to clear tables, I hadn’t noticed him.

I walked over, oddly feeling a little shy.  “Would you like a table, sir?  Your regular table is in use, but there’s a nice private booth over in that corner.”  I pointed to the empty booth.

“Yes ma’am, that booth looks fine,” he said, playing along.  “You wouldn’t be due a break any time soon so you could join me for a few minutes, would you?”

“Actually, I just got back from a break.  I have less than an hour left and then I’m free.”  I led him to the booth.  “I’m sure Esta will be over in a minute to take your order, but we’re busy so it might take longer than usual.”

I turned to walk away, but turned back when I felt his fingertips graze the inside of my wrist.  He didn’t grab me, but just that light touch was enough to pin me to the spot.  “Did you want something?”

He raised his eyebrows.  “Just wanted to tell you I’ll be here until closing, in the hopes that you’ll let me walk you wherever you girls are going.”

“Maybe.”  I didn’t have time to explain about Celia’s new plans.  I turned away to go spend some time at the sink scrubbing the dishes.  I wished the water could be cold.  I needed something to cool me down.

At ten fifteen, Celia flipped the lights off and we left through the back door.  Heidi would lock up.  She was there so often I wondered if she slept in her office sometimes.  Esta had left at ten on the dot, not even helping us clean up.  She
was
furious at Celia for cancelling the plans, rightfully so, and I decided she was too mad to approach about me still coming over.  I closed the door behind us and reached up and unwound my bun.  From behind me, a light yank on my hair told me Malcolm was there.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hey.”  I felt sure I was beaming—a glow-in-the-dark Fay.

Beside me, Celia sighed loudly.  “Malcolm.”

“Celia.  Would it be okay if I walk with you?”

“My opinion doesn’t matter to you, so why do you bother asking?”

“That’s not true; I care about your opinion.  If you don’t want me here, I’ll go.”

“Whatever, I guess you can stay,” Celia said.  Maybe she really meant what she’d said the other night, about understanding that Malcolm wasn’t the problem.  “And we’ve had a change of plans.  I’m meeting Ronan at Dream Cone.”

We walked in a row, Malcolm by the road, then me, then Celia.  “How are things with Ronan?” Malcolm asked her, leaning around me as we walked.

“You hate Ronan.”

“Hate’s a strong word.  I asked because maybe it matters to me how you’re doing.”

She was quiet for a minute.  “Things are fine with Ronan, Malcolm. 
He
loves working with my dad.”

“Okay.  That’s good to hear.”

“You’re a guy, let me ask you a question,” she said.

He laughed lightly.  “This is a little scary, but okay.  What’s your question, Celia?”

“After you have sex with one of your girlfriends, do you expect that you’ll do it absolutely every single time you see her after that?”

I gasped.  “Celia!”  I didn’t admonish her further though, because I wanted to hear his answer.

“I don’t have an answer to that question, because I’m a virgin.”

“You are not,” Celia said.  “You’re a senior.”

He laughed again.  “I admit that virginal seniors are a rare species, but it’s possible to spot one from time to time.”

“You really are a virgin?” Celia asked.

“I really am.”

“Sorry to carry on about it, but I’m just surprised.  You’ve had a lot of girlfriends.”

He had?  I wondered how many was a lot.  “Can we talk about something else?” I asked.

“Sure,” Celia said.  “Let’s find out why you waited around for Fay for over an hour, Malcolm.”

“It’s not obvious?” he asked.

“Stop, stop, stop,” I said before he could say more.  “That answer does not belong to you, Celia. I know, let’s talk about Paul.”  I had this idea that Paul and Celia might get along.

“I swear I’m going to get a complex,” Malcolm said.  But he reached out and linked his pinky finger with my pinky finger.

“What about Paul?” Celia asked.

“He’s nice, don’t you think?”

“Sure.  He’s fine.  We’re almost to Dream Cone.  Don’t walk over there with me,” Celia said.  “Bye, Fay, I’ll see you at home.  Remember, don’t be early. If you’re in the yard, it counts as being on time. And when you do get home, listen at the door before going in.”  She didn’t say what I would be listening for, but I knew.

She walked away, and I turned to Malcolm, who moved his hand so our fingers were now laced together, our palms fizzling.  My heart pounded, and I thought it might beat itself right out of my chest and fly away.  “Malcolm, why does it feel like this when you touch me?  Even with just one of your fingers on me, I think I might boil away and turn into water vapor.”

There was a street lamp across the road that cast enough light that I could see the look in his eyes, a look that could be described as joyful anguish.  “Fay.”  He just looked at me for a moment.  “It’s because of what you didn’t let me say in front of Celia.”

“Don’t say it yet.  I’m not ready to hear it.”

“Why not?”

“I’m not sure.  I just know it’s like I’m holding something very fragile inside me.  It’s like a promise of a feeling, and I’m not ready to bring it into the light just yet.  I like it the way it is.”

He brushed his thumb across my hand, and I stood there, simmering.  “We’re having the same feeling, but doing opposite things with it.”

“What do you mean?”

“I feel like I need to rush and hurry.  Tell you everything I feel and do all the things I want to do, because you’re only here for a short time, and I feel kind of frantic.”  He looked away from me then, and I could see he was a little surprised he’d told me that.

While he was still looking away, I said, “And I’m doing just what we should be doing and savoring every small step.”

He looked back at me, and his grin was there, and he looked like the day I first saw him.  “Is that what you’re doing?  Savoring?”

“Yes.  That, and trying to figure out my own feelings.  I like to sit with things.  Ruminate.”

“You’re good for me.  I’m too impulsive.”

“We balance each other.  I like that.”

“I like it, too.”

We turned down a different street so we wouldn’t cross in front of the Dream Cone.

“So does this mean I do get to hang out with you tonight?” he asked.

“I think it does.”

“Why can’t you go home until curfew?  Most parents would
want
their teenagers to come home early.  Your aunt and uncle don’t allow it?”

“No, it’s not a rule or anything.  It’s just for tonight.  They’re having some friends over.  Celia and I are steering clear.”  I hoped he’d change the subject.

“Let’s see then.  We have just enough time for a movie.  Want to come to my house and watch one?”

“That’s perfect.”

“I’ll make popcorn for you.  Do you like popcorn?”

Two hours later, I slipped into my aunt and uncle’s quiet house.  I closed the screen door without a sound, and waved out the window to Malcolm, who had insisted on walking me home.  I tucked myself into bed, and lay awake replaying the way we had tilted toward each other on the couch, the way he held my hand through the whole movie, the way his breath stirred my hair.

His parents watched it with us, delivering snacks and sodas, laughing along at the dumb parts.  It was a slice of normal, and it was so welcome, my eyes welled with tears as I thought about it.

10

T
here were guests
over for dinner.  Todd’s sister, Lea, had passed away years ago, and I thought about how he and Donna had losing a sibling in common.  Lea’s husband, Greg, still brought the kids over occasionally, and they had joined us for dinner.  There was Whitney, a doe-eyed brunette who was fourteen years old, and Steven, who was my age, and had barely spoken a word all evening.

Celia sat next to Whitney, giggling, and I felt a strange pang in my chest.  I knew she had other cousins, but I always assumed the she and I were closest out of all of them.  I knew it was childish, but I wanted to be her favorite cousin.  I shook my head and told myself I was being silly, and focused on buttering my ear of corn.

The conversation was focused on Driver’s Ed, and how dangerous Celia was going to be on the road.  “If she turns out to be a terrible driver, Todd, we can at least rest easy knowing she isn’t nearly as bad as you are.” Donna teased him.

Todd laughed out loud.  Celia looked over at me, and grinned.

“I’d never have guessed that about you, Todd” Greg said.

“Oh, there might be a grain of truth to it,” Todd said, still smiling.  “I’ve taken my fair share of turns in the ditch.  But I think Celia will be alright.  It’s this one we have to watch out for.”  He reached out and ruffled Abe’s hair.  “He’s dangerous on a bike.”

“Aw Dad, it was just one wreck.”  Abe was practically spinning in his seat, delighted to be included in this conversation.

“Yeah, but you plowed over our mailbox!” Celia said, and the table erupted in laughter.  “You flattened that thing.  We had to wait for Dad to get home to pry the post out of your bike frame.”

“I was going really fast, but I thought for sure I could swerve in time.  Dad always says if you’re going to do something, do it all the way.”

When we were done eating, Todd stood and gathered a few dishes in his arms.  “You all go and visit. I can help Donna clear up.”

I recognized this Uncle Todd.  This was the Todd of my childhood visits, with his warm, familiar eyes.  I was so happy to see this version of him, that I stood too, and told him, “I’ll help you, Uncle Todd.”

“No, no, Fay.  You clear tables at work.  When you’re home you should get to relax a little.”  I schooled my expression so the astonishment wouldn’t show.

Greg clapped him on the shoulder.  “You’re a good man, Todd.  Let’s have the men clear up tonight.  Come on, Steven, grab a couple bowls.”  Steven stood and gathered an armload of dishes.

Abe decided he was one of the men, so he joined them in the kitchen.  I followed Donna, Celia, and Whitney to the back yard.

“You have such a sweet little family,” Whitney said.

Celia’s expression turned mischievous.  “About as sweet as sugar, right mom?”

Donna shot her a look, but to my surprise she opened up a bit.  “No family is perfect, but we aren’t so far gone that we can’t get our act together when we have company over.  We do the best we can with the circumstances we’ve been given.”

Whitney nodded.  “I know how that goes, Aunt Donna.  We manage to pull it together most of the time now, but it was tough for a while.”

It was weird for me to hear her call Donna her aunt, bizarre how Celia had this whole other family I’d never met.  “How long ago did your mom pass away?” I asked.

“She died four years ago, Fay.  I still miss her every day and I think I always will.  I
hope
I always will, because that means I still feel her.”

“Do you look like her?”

“No, not really.  I got my dad’s darker coloring.  Mom’s hair was blonde, but not as light as yours.  Steven has her hair.  It’s funny though, it’s just the three of us now, and though it’s different and I wish my mom was still here, I like this version of our family, too.  Dad has to do a lot more stuff that he never used to do.  Mom stuff.  I like him this way.”

Though her words were rosy, I squirmed in my chair.  Maybe even if my parents got divorced, I’d find things about it that were okay.  I wondered if some things might even be better.  I kicked that thought right out of my head.  To let it stay would be jumping the gun, and I had instructions not to do that.

“Yes,” Donna said, “People are nothing if not adaptable.  I’ve come to think there’s nothing a person can’t get used to.”  I studied the determined set of her brow, the fierceness in her eyes.

Donna got a fire going, and we chatted easily for a while.  There’s nothing like a crackling fire to make conversation flow.

After a while, the men joined us, Todd carrying the old badminton net.  It was one of my favorite traditions of summer in Juniper.  I always thought they must play all the time, but now I wondered if they only brought it out when guests were over.

“Let’s get this sucker set up, what do you say?” Todd said.

“I call dibs on Fay for my team!” Abe shouted.

“I don’t know why, Abe.  She’s terrible.”  Celia grinned at me.  It was true.  I shot the birdie into the trees more often than over the net.  Abe liked being on my team because he liked hunting for my wayward birdies, and retrieving them from gutters and trees.  Celia wasn’t any better than me, though.

“Since you’re just as terrible, it’s probably the only fair thing to put one of us on each team.”

It took a while to get the net set up, but when that was done; I ended up on a team with Abe, silent Steven, and Todd.  We played for a while, not keeping score, but keeping count of how many volleys we could achieve in a row, the birdie touching nothing but our rackets.  We decided it was a victory when we got fifty hits in a row.

“You are responsible for at least five of those hits, Fay.  Nice work!” Uncle Todd told me, and squeezed my shoulder.

“Thanks.”  I smiled at him, a little timidly.  I hadn’t seen him take a single drink all evening.  Tears threatened me, and I closed my eyes until they retreated.  I wasn’t sad, but something about the whole night made me want to cry.  I had been holding out hope for a night like this—in fact, I had thought
every
night would be like this—and now that it was here, I knew it would end all too soon.

We spent another hour or so talking out by the fire, and eventually Greg’s family left to go back home.  The others trickled off to other evening pursuits, until it was just Celia and me.

“It’s so bizarre that you have cousins who aren’t my cousins.”

“Yeah, I’d feel weird too if I met your dad’s family.  What time is it?”

I checked my watch.  “Only nine o’clock.”  The sky was just beginning to darken.  I loved the way summer evenings seemed endless.

Celia stood.  “Ronan wanted me to go to his house if there was any leftover time.”

“You’re giving all your time to Ronan.  You could hang out with Esta instead.  I’d join you.”

“She’s babysitting her nephew tonight.  And I haven’t seen Ronan in two days.  He’s been working overtime.  So don’t pout; you’ve had me to yourself a lot lately.  I’m going to call him, and then change my clothes and head out.”

I sat there a bit longer, wondering what Malcolm was doing right at that moment.  Other than a quick conversation at the restaurant that morning, I hadn’t seen him in two days either.  Maybe he was sanding my surprise wood project.  Was he hanging out at the bleachers with Paul?  Dusting his goat trophies?  He’d given me his number.  I was allowed to go out.  Celia hadn’t exactly given me her blessing, but she had at least relented.  I could call him.

Malcolm thought I’d be busy the whole night though, so he probably had other plans.  I was almost resigned to watching TV with Abe, when Donna poked her head out the back door.  “Fay, phone for you.  It’s someone named Paul.”

I jumped up and took the phone from her, then closed the door and sat on the back step.  “Hi, Paul, what’s up?”

“This isn’t Paul, this is Malcolm.”

I smiled into the phone.  “Well aren’t you living on the edge.  Did you disguise your voice and everything?”

He laughed softly.  “Actually, I did.  Want to hear my Paul voice?”

“Of course.”

“Okay, here it is.”  He cleared his throat.  “Fay, if family night is over, will you meet me at the corner of Main and Colfax?  And wear a swimsuit under your clothes, if you want to go swimming.”  He had pitched his voice a little higher, and smoothed it out somehow.  He actually did sound like Paul.

A loud laugh bubbled out of me.  “I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

I approached the stop sign at a pace I knew would give away my excitement, but I didn’t care.  I decided I didn’t want to try and play it cool.  He leaned against the sign post, watching me approach.  His hair was messy as usual, and tonight it stood up from his head in wild swoops, mirroring the way I felt.

I walked right up to him and stopped.  He looked down at me, and I wanted to memorize the look in his eyes.  It was a look that told me he was glad I came, that he didn’t want to be anywhere else.  Maybe even that I mattered to him.  “I have interpreted what your eyes are saying to me.  What are mine saying back?”

He squinted with focus, and drilled his eyes into mine.  A sneaky grin slipped out.  “Yours are saying you want me to kiss you.”

I burst out laughing and shook my head.  “Wrong!”  It was a lie though.  My eyes probably were saying that.  I was trying to get them to say that he mattered to me too, but kissing him was all I thought about from the moment he called.

“Okay, then they’re saying you want me to take your hand and get this show on the road.”

“Close enough.”

He tucked two pink towels under his left arm, and looked at my face as he closed his fingers around mine.  We stared at each other, letting the feeling grow.  “There it is again,” I whispered.  “That thing.”

He smiled and lowered his head until our foreheads were touching.  We stood like that for a minute, feeling it.  “Come on.  We better get going.”

As we walked, I filled him in on my evening.  I told him about Celia’s cousins, and how pleasant Todd had been.  “We sat around the fire, and I was so happy and relaxed, I almost told Whitney about you when she asked how my summer was going.  Right in front of my aunt and uncle!”  I chuckled, but Malcolm’s grip tightened on my hand.  I smiled up at him, but he didn’t look back at me.  “I didn’t say anything, though, just almost.”

He swallowed and it was an audible gulp.  “Fay, I don’t like that you have to keep us secret.  It doesn’t feel right.  Your safety shouldn’t hinge on secrets.”

“It’s not a secret, not really.  Just to Todd and Donna.  Even Celia has given up her weird ideas about keeping me away from you.  And you have to stop thinking I’m not safe.”

He didn’t speak, but took a long, deep breath and let it out so slowly that I wondered if he’d ever run out of air.  “You have a freakishly large lung capacity.”

His mouth twitched, but he didn’t let the smile surface.

“Are you mad at me?”

“Fay, no.  I’m not mad, especially not at you.  But I’m something.  I’m not even sure what.  I think I feel guilty.”

“Why would you feel guilty?”

He took another big breath.  “I disguised my voice on the phone, to sneak you out to see me.  I’m helping you do the exact thing I keep trying to convince you not to do.”

I felt the blood drain from my face.  “Malcolm, you can’t compromise your principles for me.  I won’t let you.  Do you want me to tell my aunt and uncle that I’m seeing you?”

“No, I suppose not.”

“But you don’t like that I keep it secret.”

“Correct.”

“We’re kind of stuck, then.”

He looked alarmed for a moment.  “I guess we are.  But listen, that doesn’t mean I want you to—”  He stopped talking abruptly.

“What?”

We walked quietly for a while, him still gripping my hand. After a few minutes, he stopped and released my hand.  He scrubbed his hand through his hair, like he was trying to get his brain to work faster.

“You’re an incredibly candid person, Fay.  Do you like it when people are equally candid back?”

“Of course.  Now I’m a little nervous what you’re going to say, though.”

He raised his eyebrows and looked at me pointedly.  “Welcome to my world.  Anyway, I know you haven’t let me kiss you, but something is happening between us. I think, because there are so many other complications, I want to make sure you know something.  You spend a lot of time wondering how everybody in your life is going to feel about us, I want you to be clear about how
I
feel about us.  I don’t like that your aunt and uncle don’t know what’s going on, but I don’t want to stop seeing you. So if you feel like you have no choice but to keep your whereabouts secret, I can’t make myself disagree.  Being with you feels more right than keeping it secret feels wrong.  I want you, only you, and I’ll do what I have to in order to keep you.”

My head spun, leaving me feeling faint.  “Malcolm.  I like it when you’re candid.”  He smiled softly, and ran his hand through his hair again.  I knew he was waiting for a real response, so I didn’t torture him.  “I’m not going to let my aunt and uncle keep me from seeing you.  Even if they find out.  And I want you too, Malcolm.  Only you.”