Read The Douchebag Bible Online
Authors: TJ Kirk
had discovered a brand new subsistence strategy. It
was not until this point that we began to seem
markedly different than our chimp cousins. Sure, we
had always been a little bit better at making tools
and communicating with one another, but who
could have imagined that we would have it in us to
bend the land itself to our will?
So, human beings went from a race of
scavengers and hunters to a race of farmers. What
social changes accompanied this change in survival
strategy? Chiefly this: we went from a society with
loose hierarchical distinctions, to a society that all of
the sudden had need of tight leadership roles. First,
there were village leaders—but soon their were kings
and generals, commanding vast swatches of
territory and ruthlessly expanding their empires.
Soon (relatively speaking), this gave way to the rise
of democracy in all of its modern forms. The birth of
agriculture soon gave way to the birth of government,
which was in turn birth of capital, and the birth of
huge income gaps (human X has far more pigs than
human Y.) This sort of sounds terrible until you
realize that before this inequality existed, everyone
was equally miserable.
What happens if you put a bacterium alone in
a petri dish? It builds a society. What happens when
you kill the alpha chimp? A new alpha chimp
emerges. What happens when you overthrow a
government? (HINT: the answer is not, “Anarchy.”)
A new government emerges. Or several new
governments emerge. Hierarchies are inherent to
social animals—and a social animal with a society as
complex as our own is going to create leaders and
followers. We are powerless not to.
You’ve certainly noticed this behavior even
among your own circle of friends. You might not
designate someone group leader, but the role is
nonetheless obvious to everyone. Odds are you have
also noticed that some of your friends are far more
submissive and compliant. Anarchy doesn’t even
work in a group of 6 people, let alone a group of 6
million.
But with the necessary evil of government
comes the necessary hilarity that is politics.
2. THE SHADOW OF ISLAM
I come from an older tradition of liberals who
wanted to see corruption uprooted from the system
and power returned to the people. The new
liberalism seems to be about little more than making
sure no one gets their feelings hurt.
I don’t see it as progressive to lie about the
treatment of women in the middle east because you
just can’t wait to bend over backwards for Islam. The
pitiful capitulation of the left wing to Muslim
interests is detestable and antithetical to the core
value that left-wingers are supposed to stand by:
justice. Social justice. Economic justice.
If you stand with those who treat women like
second-class citizens, then you are scum. If you are
among those who treat women like second-class
citizens, then you are not even fit to exist in modern
society. You don’t meet the minimum requirements
for existing on this planet.
I want to make it clear: If you are a Muslim who
practices a version of Islam that does not denigrate
women, you and I have no problems. But when you
look at the policies of Islamic-controlled countries,
it’s pretty clear that most Muslims do feel that
women should have less rights in a great many
matters.
3. DEMOCRACY EXPLAINED
In your perfect society, idea X only makes
sense if idea Y is also implemented. And idea Y only
makes sense if idea Z is also in place.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You want
XYZ! But a lot of people want ABC. The candidates
running are LMN and MNO. ABC is voting for LMN,
because they think LMN is closer to ABC than MNO.
You, as an XYZ, are voting for MNO because you
believe that MNO is closer to XYZ than LMN. You’re
in luck! MNO won the election. So, they’re
implement societal strategy MNO, but they’ll add
one of your ideas in to please you—LMNX. But, they
have to placate the ABC people too, so they’ll
implement LMNXA.
LMNXA is, of course, bloated and its ideas are
an incongruent mix of the unwanted, the
unnecessary and the useless-on-its-own.
DIRECT DEMOCRACY: You want XYZ! But a
lot of people want ABC. XACZ is enacted. XACZ is
collection of ideas that were never meant to go
together. Two conflicting ideas coming to a
laughable compromise that creates dissonance for
all and pleases no one.
I don’t think it makes a difference what sort of
democracy we have, because democracy will always
lend itself to very strange compromises that murder
the efficacy of any plan that any party could ever