The Douchebag Bible (34 page)

patriotism to me. It feels a damn sight more like treason.

Individualism is certainly a good thing, but when

individualism turns into the notion of “every man for himself”

then it is a basically Social Darwinism. You see this mentality

reflected in the inability of the American public to forgive any

transgression. If a politician sleeps with a prostitute, they want

him to resign. If a man kills another man in the heat of passion,

people want him to go to jail for the rest of his life. If a man

molests a child, instead of trying to find out why this urge exists

and making an effort to prevent it from occurring in the future,

the people call for his head on a stick.

The fork whose prongs are safety, patriotism and

individualism has been stuck into us and we’re done. This triplet

doctrine has rendered the free and the brave into a great and

huddling mass of selfish slaves who take orders because they’re

too fearful to ask questions and too uncertain to make demands.

Too often, those who maintain courage and freedom and

true individuality attempt to free the people by simply addressing

the symptoms of the disease of servitude to the system. This is not

effective. We must eliminate the disease itself.

This can be done be educating the populace as to the true

meanings of the virtues of safety, patriotism and individuality.

Safety does not just mean death-prevention. Human

beings are not the only things that need to be kept safe. It is also

important—more so, in fact—to keep the noble aspects of human

beings alive. Freedom of choice, freedom of association, freedom

from unreasonable taxation, freedom of and from religion,

freedom to dissent—these things must be kept safe too.

And who would really wish to live in a world of absolute

safety? We can make people safer by taking away all their rights

just like we can make the streets safer by outlawing cars. That

doesn’t make it a good idea.

Patriotism should be pride taken in the accomplishments

of our society. When we have a good economy and a surplus of

freedoms, it is good to look upon that wealth and freedom and say,

“this is good shit!” Patriotism also means recognizing faults with

the system and coming up with solutions to fix them.

I have a deep and profound love for my country, but in

times like these it’s a bit like being in love with a crack whore who

you know will steal your stereo and sell it for crack if you fall

asleep with her in your house. We shouldn’t let America sell our

stereos for crack. It’s not right.

Individualism means being true to yourself, not being a

slave to self-interest. Let me give you an example of what I mean,

since I know that a good deal of my Libertarian readers are

currently scratching their heads and saying to themselves, “but

that’s not what Ayn Rand said!”

The American right-wing is fond of the buzzwords

“personal responsibility.” If you’ve ever watched Glenn Beck (I

don’t recommend it), you’d think it was the name for the

Philosopher’s Stone. He can hardly let a sentence pass by without

throwing “personal responsibility” into it.

Ask yourself: “What exactly is personal responsibility?” It’s

the idea that no matter what happens in your life, it is entirely

your fault and entirely your problem. If there is a housing crisis

and you were the victim of predatory lending practices, it’s your

fault for not understanding the legal jargon that you signed before

your Mortgage tripled. If you were drunk at a bar and a man

grabbed your girlfriend’s ass and you punched him and he fell and

hit his head on hard on the floor and died, you’re a murderer and

you should go to prison for the rest of your life. If you are a 25-

year-old man and you start flirting with a girl and take her back

to your apartment and fuck her in every hole she's got . . . only to

later discover that she was 14, guess what? You’re a pedophile and

you’ll go to prison, get your ass beat and buggered on a daily basis

until eventually they’ll let you out, make you go to a shrink and

put you on a list that ensures you’ll never hold another good job

and you won’t be able to live pretty much anywhere.

Personal responsibility in action, folks.

It’s been misapplied to the point of uselessness. Of course

people should be responsible for the things they do, but we as a

people have somehow come to the conclusion that this means

that no one is ever allowed to make a mistake or have a moment

of weakness. We are a bunch of unforgiving douchebags, and the

reason for it is because Mr. A doesn’t care if Mr. B goes to prison

on some bogus charges. And guess what? Mr. C won’t give a shit

when Mr. B goes to prison a few weeks later on the same charge.

America has the highest incarceration rate in the world.

THE. HIGHEST. IN. THE. WORLD.

Here in the land of the free, a full 1% of our population is

in prison. 2 million people are incarcerated in the prison system

of the United States of America.

Those in power know that we won’t stand up for one

another, so they can put anyone behind bars that they want.

Drug-users, political dissidents, the mentally ill—anyone that can

fit into a cell can be sold into slavery in this nation.

Why has this happened? Where did we go wrong? Did we

forget that
truth is freedom and freedom is truth?

What then, is truth? Ayn Rand, that sour husk of a woman whose

soul was as barren as her cunt was unfuckably grotesque, once

said that “A is A.” If she’d had a better understanding of the

mechanisms by which we perceive what we call reality she would

have said “A is, for all intents a purposes, A.”

She sought to make everything an objective truth, and in

doing so came to a false conclusion about the nature of freedom.

Her idea of freedom was a world wherein everyone was “objective”

and therefore behaved in an “objective” manner.

A world where everyone thinks and acts the same is not

freedom. Such a world is a planet of slaves. This is why Ayn Rand

has the pseudo-Lovecraftian moniker of TBCITU (The Biggest

Cunt In The Universe) in my mind.

The truth is that there is no truth.

Everything is viewed through human bias. We call the sun