The Covent Garden Ladies (21 page)

First, Major Hawkins, what crimes must he have to answer for, in bringing you away? And then that old fool Mr. Whitmore, that silly Cooper of the Stamp Office, how stupid must he be not to see through your manner of living! How choice is his taste to support you!—However ‘tis well for you, you have so good a friend to your back:—‘fools have fortune, and knaves have luck’.

Miss Adams is rather under middle size, fair hair, grey eyes; tolerable good skin, pock-marked a little, and may easily be known by the quantity of Scotch snuff she takes, particularly when she is in liquor, when her upper lip is pretty well covered with it, and does not badly resemble a pair of whiskers. Her breath, from drinking, has acquired a very disagreeable smell: how her friend reconciles this we cannot say; he must certainly have no nose for it:—‘A toad’s as good for a sow as a pancake’. (1773)

SEX ADDICTS

Miss Kilpin

‘Those formal lovers be forever curst,

Who fetter’s free-born love with humour first,

Who through fantastic laws are virtues’ fools

And against nature will be slaves to rules’

We can not pretend to say where this curious oddity lives, that being a circumstance she carefully conceals; and what is more extraordinary, she never can be prevailed on to go into taverns or other houses with a gentleman. To what purpose then (some reader may say) is she inserted here, if she will not go into a house to dispense her favours, not is it known where she is to be found? A little patience, good sir, and you will be informed where she is to be found, and how to procure her favours. If you walk on the right hand side of the way, from the corner of Cheapside along St. Paul’s Church-yard, and thence to the bottom of Ludgate Hill, just after sunset, and meet with a beautiful woman about twenty, tall and finely shaped, with fine black eyes and hair of the same hue that floats in curls down her back, and worn without powder, and a bewitching dimple on each cheek, you may give a shrewd guess you have found Miss K—lp—n. Her dress is in general silk, sometimes a pale blue, but oftener a black, and a large white sattin cloak trimmed and lined with rich brown fur; her head is in general bedecked with a blue beaver, with a profusion of white feathers; and if on accosting her, you are as much dazzled with her wit, her smart repartees, and her delicate agreeable raillery, as with her person and dress, you may be then absolutely certain it is the lady. But you may say, when found, of what service is it, when she will neither take you home with her nor go into any house with you? A little more patience sir, if you please, though she refuses to go into any house with you are there not hackney coaches on every stand? We have not said she will deny entering one if them with you; that is if she likes your person and conversation. And let us here add, no frothy coxcomb, no male Adonis, conceited of his own dear person, no show stringed effeminate puppy, no insipid empty chatterer, can hope to succeed with her.

If reader, thou art neither of these and should meet with, and please Miss K—lp—n, she will take as lengthen’d a ride with you as you please; and if you have the prudence to draw up the blinds, she will be as free as you please, and you may enjoy her charms, Jehu like,
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as long as you can. She is framed for love, and will melt like a snowball in the sun. She will embrace you with unfeigned rapture, open all her charms to receive your manly tribute, and perhaps appoint another meeting.

We have rather enlarged on this lady, on account of the singularity of her disposition; and what will add to your wonder is that she never will receive any money, but take the offer as an affront. These circumstances make us conclude that K—lp—n, the name she has assumed sometimes, is not her real name, and that she is not a woman of the town, but some married city lady, who takes this method of getting home deficiencies supplied abroad, and as she is cautious of her character, uses these precautions. By not going to any house, she avoids detection; by chusing none but those whose conservation is congenial to her own, she obliges none but men of sense and honour; and by her constantly refusing money, she demonstrates that love for love is her motto; that her love of the sport is her motive; perhaps she may have another reason for chusing a leathern conveniency as the scene of her delights. We have been told that the undulating motion of the coach, with the pretty little occasional jolts, contribute greatly to the pleasure of the critical moment, if all matters are rightly placed, and therefore as pleasure is her search, no wonder she prefers every delicate addition to the gross sum. (1788)

Mrs. Williams, No.65, Queen Ann Street East

‘Free as light and air I walk,

And uncontroll’d my passions guide;

I eat and drink and sing and talk,

And something else I do beside;

Hither then, my followers come,

And, on the couch, the seat of bliss,

I’ll strait conduct the hero home,

And shew you what this something is.’

Some from necessitous motives, some from mistaken pride, and others from a contracted laziness follow the sporting profession. But we are well convinced, that it is neither of these operates with our subject lady: it is sheer lewdness and letchery; for, according to her own confession, she has an annuity of fifty pounds per annum left by relations; therefore it is not every beau that accosts her that is conducted home. He must please her both in manners and person, and then she has not finished with him. If her sparks meet her approbation, he is shewn to her lodgings; and after the glass has
circulated, and the usual preludes past, she insists on examining the more essential parts. Whether this is done from motives of fear or wantonness (which at that time is so very conspicuous in her lascivious eyes) we are not certain; perhaps both. These necessary preliminaries being settled, if the size and condition of those parts please, she then shews you the coach, and presents you with as pretty a goer or comer as the wanton hand of nature ever formed. She is a genteel figure, light hair, and such melting love-tinctur’d eyes as few can boast, which never are permitted to swim in that celestial fluid under one pound one. This lady is generally to be met with at the Hop, in Queen Street, Golden Square, three times a week, to which she is accompanied by a certain young man, who always attends her home again; that is, if she meets no other companion suitable to her fancy. (1789)

Miss Smith, Duke’s Court, Bow Street

A well made lass, something under the middle size, with dark brown hair, and a good complexion. Her behaviour is in the extreme of fondness in her love-devotions. She seems indeed of true Messalinalian breed, and so inraged by a
furor matricis
, that no masculine endeavors can tire, or variety satisfy. Some gentlemen who have been in her company have endeavored to discover the cause of this excess of fondness in the act of copulation: and Dr F—s in particular, (a great connoisseur in female affairs) has made the following remarks:

“That her breasts are small but at the same time conveniently hard; that there is a profusion of hair about her privies, (which are situated high, and near the navel) and that this profusion is occasioned by the extraordinary heat in those parts; that the hair of her head, &c. is short, and inclinable to curl; her voice is shrill and loud; she is bold of speech; proud, and cruel to her own sex; that she has not her courses for two or three months together; that she does not smell so rank when she sweats, as a woman of a less lascivious disposition; that her breath is sweet, lips moist, and she delights in society and public spaces.”

These, says he, are sure indications of a wanton and libidinous inclination. But as we are not able to determine whether the Doctor’s remarks are truly physical, we shall leave the decision of the matter to the members of the C—e of P—s,
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and shall be glad of receiving their opinion on this important
affair, directed wither to the Shakespear, Bedford Head, or Rose, where she may be seen and examined at any hour. (1764)

DOUBLE ENTENDRE

Miss W—ll—s, No.23, Goodge Street

‘My cheeks are blushing peach outvies,

My skin the golden pippin;

My bushy grot, as black as sloes

Is surely worth a dip-in’

This beautiful nonpareil was originally a retailer of fruit. Her charms are always current to any one who wishes to be a medler; she was once paired with a comical husband but now she cares a fig for nobody; she has acquired a pleasing knack of engaging anyone, though so green; and would lie buried in straw to gratify their wishes, without ever being guilty of impeaching their oddities; she is not such a goose but she can bury a secret without giving her reasons for it; she loves the laymen, because they are not so apt to range. She has a natural antipathy to divines, as they are so often crabbed; she is tall and genteel as the pine, with beautiful nut brown tresses and hazel eyes. If you enter into her garden, one guinea is the fruits of her labour. (1790)

Sally F—m—n, At a Chandler’s Shop, Fleet Market

‘Take heed how you embark’

This delicate lady is to be met with between Temple-bar and the place of her abode; she sets sail between the hours of seven and eight, if she meets with any captures she generally sets fire to them, and bears away with what plunder she can conveniently carry off. She is Dutch built, broad bottomed, and carries a great deal of sail. Goods put on board her reasonably fraited. (1773)

Mrs. George, No. 13; South Moulton Street

This lady has not been in business long; she surrendered her citadel to a captain of the navy, who in his attack upon her, united the seamen with the lover, and the ingenuity of the one won her heart as much as the passion of the other. As a specimen of his epistolary method of corresponding with her, we shall subjoin a part of one of his letters to her, which runs exactly thus; he tells her that he had often thought to reveal to her the tempests of his heart by word of mouth, to scale the walls of her affection, but terrified with the strength of her fortifications, he had concluded to make more regular approaches, to attack her at farther distance, and try what a bombardment of letters would do, whether those carcases of love thrown into the sconces of her eyes, would break into the midst of her breast, beat down the out-guard of her aversion and indifference, and blow up the magazine of her cruelty, that she might be brought to terms of capitulation: which indeed she soon was, and upon reasonable terms. The captain was with her but a short time, being obliged to repair to his station; and after his departure, she was kept by one in the army, who was obliged to give way to the more powerful solicitations of one of greater force. She is just thirty, pretty and amorous, has a charming lively eye and a handsome mouth; she is rather short but very delicately made, a charming colour which seems to be natural, is finely diffused over her cheeks, and sets her face to great advantage, and she has fine brown hair, is good temper’d and very free and merry.

She drives a very handsome curricle,
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and is in keeping by a Mr. C—ns. (1793)

BEAUTIES

Miss Wallington, facing the Floor-cloth Manufactory, Knitesbridge

‘Nymph! More fair than Houri,

Poet form’d’

If we were called upon to name the lady whom we conceive to be the most beautiful among the whole sisterhood, it would certainly be Sally; she has so many enchanting blendishments, that they are quite irresistable. It is as
impossible to withstand the artillery of her eyes, as the winged lightening; then her hair, her lips, her every thing, are so transportingly charming as to fill every beholder with rapture: But, alas! Her beauties are almost lost to the public; for Sir Harry P—t engrosses, or seems to engross them all to himself.

She is just twenty-two, of the most elegant form imaginable: And as we know her to be amorously inclined, we do not think any young fellow need despair if he has ability, and understands the method of carrying on an intrigue with prudence and secrecy; for when a woman once knows that she may transgress with impunity, it is ten to one that she will transgress if she has any object in view that is agreeable to her, and what can be more agreeable than an admirer, who has the man and the lover well blended together. (1779)

Miss Emily Coulthurst, at Mrs. Mitchell’s, King’s Place

As this lady is one of the most beautiful women we ever beheld, and is in very high and public estimation, the reader will excuse the liberty we take in relating some particulars concerning her, although we should lengthen the article beyond the usual limits to which we confine ourselves.

Her father is an eminent tradesman in Piccadilly, and happening one day, while Emily was in the shop, to be visited by the Earl of Loudon, who was his customer, the nobleman was immediately struck by her amazing beauty, and determined, if possible, to possess her; though he is naturally a haughty man, he found a sense of inferiority before her, for beauty has always been found to awe, even the most savage, and he found her image indeliably fixed in his heart, as if it had been stamped on it by the power of some engine.

He soon gained victory over the yielding fair one, who became an easy conquest and was kept by him six months when he forsook her, since when she has been the temporary companion of most of the first water bucks in the metropolis, and has been constantly toasted at all the polite convival tables at the fashionable end of town. Her favours are not an easy purchase, but are worth almost any sum, for the ‘lovely Emily’ is undeniably a real beauty. She is a constant frequenter of public places, and was in the utmost danger at the Theatre in the Haymarket last summer, by her head dress accidentally taking fire but it was happily extinguished, with some difficulty, by a ‘squire Gl–n, who was with her. She has resisted several good offers of being kept, nay, it is said a country gentleman of good fortune offered to marry her,
but she says she is determined not to confine herself to any man, and will not act dishonourably.