The Cost of Commitment - KJ2 (17 page)

“Good.” Standislau laughed. “I want you to call me once a day while this story is still hot. Where it involves the reputation of the magazine, we’ll strategize together. That way, neither one of us will be surprised at what gets printed.”

“I can’t vouch for what the tabloids might do, sir.”

“Can anyone, Jamison? Can anyone?” In dismissing her he added,

“Good luck. I have a feeling you’re going to need it.”

“Thank you, sir.” She rose from her chair and, with a fleeting look at Trish, left the office.

It was another twenty minutes before Trish came back downstairs, looking glum and resolute. “I figured you’d still be here, kiddo.”

“Trish, I am so, so sorry for getting you in trouble.”

The editor held up her hand to forestall further apologies. “Don’t, Jay.

I had choices at the time, and I made them. Perhaps I exercised poor judgment in not sharing what I knew of the situation with Standislau then, but who in the world could’ve foreseen this mess.”

“I should have gone to him myself. Better yet, I should’ve disclosed that I knew Kate when you assigned me the story in the first place.”

“Jamison Parker, you’re going to drive yourself nuts with the should haves. Let it go. There’s nothing either one of us can do to change that now. What’s important is how we handle what’s coming.”

“Okay.”

“Both Vander and I have already had eight phone calls apiece from news outlets wanting everything from your work history, to a list of every story you’ve ever written, to comments on
Time
’s ethical standards.”

Jay groaned. “And?”

Lynn Ames

“And we discussed it at length. Vander will issue a statement on behalf of the magazine saying that you have an exemplary record with
Time
. It will state that we are satisfied that you wrote a fair and balanced piece on Katherine Kyle, that a preliminary investigation confirms that you did not have an intimate relationship with your subject at the time you were assigned the piece, and that any relationship began after the research, interviews, and story outline had been completed.”

Jay contemplated this. It was probably the best she could hope for under the circumstances. “Is that all?”

Trish added gently, “It will also say that you’ve been suspended for two weeks for failing to disclose a potential conflict of interest.”

“Oh.” Even though she’d heard Standislau tell her she would not be working the next two weeks, the wording of the statement struck her like a fist in the chest. Jay had always prided herself on her journalistic integrity; now everyone would question her work.

As if reading her mind, Trish said, “Jamison, I want you to know I have complete faith in you and your character. I wouldn’t hesitate for a second to give you the most important story on the list, knowing you’d do a great job with it.”

“Thanks, Trish. I’m sorry I put you in a situation where you felt you had to say that. It never should have happened in the first place.”

“You’re right.”

Jay’s head snapped up in surprise at the bluntness of the comment.

Trish shrugged. “If you had told me up front that you knew Kate, I probably would have questioned you about your relationship to her and maybe assigned the story to someone with no potential personal bias. But that’s water under the bridge now, kiddo. Some lessons are learned the hard way.”

“Yeah,” Jay answered dejectedly.

“Hey. Chin up, kiddo. It’s not the end of the world. It could’ve come out much worse.”

“It’s not over yet.”

“No,” Trish put her hand on Jay’s shoulder, “it’s not. But Vander and I agree that you have a great future in front of you with this magazine.

We just need to weather this storm.”

“That may be easier said than done.”

“Maybe. But you can bet that Vander and I are going to do everything we can to make sure we all get through this in good shape.”

“I appreciate that, Trish.” As if it had just occurred to her, Jay asked,

“Did you get suspended, too?”

“No, Vander decided that suspending me would raise more questions about who knew what and when.”

The Cost of Commitment

“He’s right about that,” Jay murmured. “No one outside of the three of us, and Kate, of course, knows that I told you about what happened immediately after the fact.”

“Exactly. So I get to stay on the job. But don’t think I didn’t get more than an ass chewing. My ears are still ringing, in fact.”

“I’m so sorry, Trish.”

“No. No more apologies from you, kiddo. Let’s just move on, okay?”

“Okay. I guess I’ll see you in two weeks.”

“Jay?”

Jay, who had turned to leave Trish’s office, looked back inquiringly.

“I want to hear from you every day to know how you’re doing. My heart is with you, kiddo. You two are going to get through this just fine.

You’re tough.”

“Thanks, Trish. Your support means a lot to me.” To Jay’s horror, tears sprang to her eyes.

“I’m here for you, Jay.”

Unable to say anything more, she merely nodded and fled the office.

Jay wandered the streets of New York aimlessly, trying in vain to process everything that had happened to her in the past twenty-four hours. The task was daunting. Never in her wildest imagination had she envisioned becoming such a public figure, and certainly not for the reason she found herself in the headlines that day. It was her job to chronicle others’ lives, not vice versa.

The late October wind was blowing, biting into Jay’s exposed skin, but she barely noticed. Her hands jammed into the pockets of her London Fog raincoat, she pushed forward, head bent and eyes on the ground.

They were only into day one of the news cycle and already the roof was beginning to cave in. What would happen when the next round of stories appeared?

Trish had said that reporters were inquiring about her work history and stories she had written. As a journalist herself, Jay knew the questions wouldn’t stop there. Everything in her life would become fair game. Old acquaintances would be interviewed and embarrassing incidents would be dragged out and laid bare for all the world to see. For Jay, this was the ultimate nightmare.

Growing up in her father’s house, knowing that the slightest misstep might lead to physical or sexual abuse, Jay strived to call as little attention to herself as possible. As an adult, she recognized that her need to fly below the radar as a child had been a necessary survival instinct.

Yet despite her knowledge that she was no longer in danger from her father or anyone else, the drive to do everything just right burned brightly in her still. The idea of having her life examined under a microscope, combined with the forthcoming public reprimand by her employer for
Lynn Ames

showing poor judgment, made Jay wish that the earth would swallow her whole. She wanted desperately to run—to hide from the attention and the shame of having made such a colossal error.

“You’ll never amount to anything.”

She could hear her father’s oft-repeated words echoing loudly in her head. For years her silent refrain had been,
“I’ll show you.”

She had worked so diligently to achieve success, and she had made it—or so she had thought. At the moment, however, she felt every bit the failure he had predicted she would be.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” she said, not realizing that she had spoken out loud.

She hadn’t even been able to bring herself to call Kate yet. She knew she needed to do it soon, though—Kate would be worried sick wondering what had happened in the meeting. With a heavy sigh, Jay turned and headed for her Greenwich Village apartment.

When she opened the door, she was accosted by a flying dog. Fred weaved his way in and out of her legs, his tail wagging madly. She looked up to see Kate standing there, smiling at the tableau.

Jay was flooded with a sense of relief at the sight of her. Crossing the room, she threw herself into Kate’s arms, fresh tears streaming down her face.

“Shh, it’s all right, love.” Kate stroked her back, rocking gently from side to side. “It’s all going to be all right.”

Jay continued to sob uncontrollably, all of the pent-up emotion pouring out of her soul.

Kate steered them over to the couch, pulling Jay down to sit on her lap. She stroked her hair, murmuring words of comfort, until it appeared that the tears were all spent.

Jay took the offered Kleenex and tried to catch her breath. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I didn’t mean for that to happen.”

Quietly, Kate said, “That’s been coming for a long time, baby. I’m glad you got it out of your system.” She tilted Jay’s face up to see her eyes more clearly. “Feel better now?”

“Not really.” Jay looked up beseechingly. “Kate? Am I a failure?”

“What? Honey, whatever would make you ask a question like that?”

Jay rested her forehead against the side of Kate’s neck. “When I was a little girl, my father always told me I’d be a failure—an outcast. And that I was lucky to have him, because no one else would ever want me.

Maybe he was right after all.”

Kate pulled back so that Jay had to lift her head. “You listen to me, Jamison Parker. You are one of the brightest, most talented, most successful women I know.”

“Kate—”

The Cost of Commitment

“No. Don’t say anything yet. I’m not finished.”

Jay’s jaw clicked shut, the words of protest dying on her lips.

“Jay, when you first told me about your father and the abuse, I told you that the things he said when you were young weren’t the truth. Baby, he was trying to control you the only way he knew how—by making you think you deserved what he did to you.”

Jay nodded, knowing that Kate was right.

“Sweetheart, you’re not that child anymore. You’re a grown, beautiful, successful woman.” Kate looked intently into Jay’s watery eyes. “I love you, Jamison Parker, and I want you for the rest of my life.

So your father can go scratch—he was wrong on all counts.”

“I screwed up so badly, Kate. I should have known better than to accept the assignment for that cover story. I knew full well that I was in love with you. I ignored every bit of ethics I’d ever learned. I did deserve what I got today.”

Kate, seemingly unable to sit still any longer, eased Jay onto the couch and stood up, balling her fists up, jamming them in her pockets and shaking her head vehemently. “That is not true. I don’t ever want to hear you say that again, Jay. The fact is, you were human, and so was I.

You might recall, I was the one who invited you to stay at my house instead of a hotel. I was the one who swept you off your feet into a hug when I met you at the train station. You wanted to keep professional distance, remember?”

Jay nodded imperceptibly.

Kate continued. “Your exact words, I believe, were, ‘How am I supposed to maintain professional distance with a greeting like that?’ Do you remember?”

“Yes.”

“Right. So if you’re so dead set on assigning blame, then you’d better lay it at my doorstep, because that’s where it belongs.”

As Jay started to say something, Kate placed two fingers over her mouth.

“What’s more, I’m the one who asked you out on a date. I asked you if you would consider staying an extra day, then I plotted a romantic day and evening, hoping I could win your heart. Me, Jay. I did all that, not you.”

“I could have said no.”

“Jay, you were falling in love, and you were human. Give yourself a break.”

“I had a job to do.”

“And you did it magnificently. Don’t you remember me telling you, after I’d read the advance issue of the magazine, how incredibly proud I was of you for that story?”

Lynn Ames

Jay nodded.

“Honey, that was a perfectly balanced, unbelievably fair piece. No one could have captured the nuances of the story the way you did. It was, frankly, one of the best written stories I’d ever read in that magazine.

And I will not stand here and have you apologize for it.”

“I got suspended today for exercising poor judgment. Standislau put out a statement telling the world that.”

Kate crossed back over to the couch. Using the same two fingers she had used to silence her moments earlier, she lifted Jay’s chin to meet her compassionate gaze. “He also told you you were one of the finest journalists he’d ever known and that he was standing by you and the story.”

After a second, Jay’s eyes narrowed and focused intently on Kate.

“How did you know that? And, while I’m at it, what are you doing here?”

Kate sat down, taking Jay’s hands in her own. “After you ran out of Trish’s office she got worried about you. So she called me and told me what happened.”

Jay sat up straighter, indignant. “She shouldn’t have done that. She had no business bothering you with my problems while you were at work.”

“Jay, she’s your friend and she was worried about you. I’m glad she called.”

“But you have responsibilities of your own.”

Kate pulled Jay into her arms. “There is nothing in the world more important to me than you, love. Your well-being means everything to me.

Do you have any idea how badly I wanted to be able to come with you to that meeting? It took all the self-restraint I had not to jump on the next train to the city after you called to tell me you’d been summoned.

Besides, by the time I went home and got Fred, the workday was almost over anyway.”

Jay looked out the window, surprised to see that it was full dark outside. She hadn’t realized she’d been walking that long. “Oh.” She didn’t know what else to say.

The ringing of the phone forestalled any further conversation.

Jay picked it up on the third ring. “Hello?”

“Jamison?”

Her face went white and her hands started to shake. Kate, who had been watching her, was at her side immediately.

“Jamison, is that you?”

“Yes, sir.”

Kate mouthed, “Who is it?”

Jay formed the words, “My father.”

The Cost of Commitment

Kate grabbed her free hand and held it tightly. In the five months they’d been together, she couldn’t remember Jay ever mentioning that she was still in touch with her parents, although they had briefly discussed her feelings about them.