The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (647 page)

Enter SEBASTIAN and Clown

Clown

Will you make me believe that I am not sent for you?

Will you make me believe that I am not sent to fetch you?

SEBASTIAN

Go to, go to, thou art a foolish fellow:

Enough, enough, you are a foolish fellow:

Let me be clear of thee.

Get away from me.

Clown

Well held out, i' faith! No, I do not know you; nor

Well held out, by my faith! No, I do not know you; and

I am not sent to you by my lady, to bid you come

I am not sent to you by my lady, to tell you to come

speak with her; nor your name is not Master Cesario;

speak with her, and your name is not Master Cesario;

nor this is not my nose neither. Nothing that is so is so.

and this is not my nose either. Nothing that is, is.

SEBASTIAN

I prithee, vent thy folly somewhere else:

Thou know'st not me.

I beg you, spend your foolishness somewhere else:



You do not know me.

Enter SIR ANDREW, SIR TOBY BELCH, and FABIAN

SIR ANDREW

Now, sir, have I met you again? there's for you.

Now, sir, have I meet you again? There you are.

SEBASTIAN

Why, there's for thee, and there, and there. Are all

Why there's for you, and there, and there. Are all

the people mad?

the people insane?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Hold, sir, or I'll throw your dagger o'er the house.

Stop, sir, or I'll throw your dagger over the house.

Clown

This will I tell my lady straight: I would not be



in some of your coats for two pence.

I sure wouldn't want to be in your shoes.

Exit

SIR TOBY BELCH

Come on, sir; hold.

Come, sir; fight.

SIR ANDREW

Nay, let him alone: I'll go another way to work

No, leave him alone: I'll go another way to work

with him; I'll have an action of battery against

with him; I'll charge him with assault

him, if there be any law in Illyria: though I

if there is any law in Illyria: though I

struck him first, yet it's no matter for that.

hit him first, yet it's not important.

SEBASTIAN

Let go thy hand.

Get your hand off me.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come, my young

Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come on, my young

soldier, put up your iron: you are well fleshed; come on.

soldier, draw your sword: you are fit enough; come on.

SEBASTIAN

I will be free from thee. What wouldst thou now? If

I want to get rid of you. What do you want now? If

thou darest tempt me further, draw thy sword.

you dare tempt me further, draw your sword.

SIR TOBY BELCH

What, what? Nay, then I must have an ounce or two

What, what? No, then I must have an ounce or two

of this malapert blood from you.

of this bad blood from you.

Enter OLIVIA

OLIVIA

Hold, Toby; on thy life I charge thee, hold!

Stop, Toby; on your life I command you, hold!

SIR TOBY BELCH

Madam!

My lady!

OLIVIA

Will it be ever thus? Ungracious wretch,

Will it always be like this? [Insult]

Fit for the mountains and the barbarous caves,

Suitable only to live out in the mountains and caves

Where manners ne'er were preach'd! out of my sight!

Where there is no such thing as manners! Out of my sight!

Be not offended, dear Cesario.

Do not be offended, dear Cesario.

Rudesby, be gone!

[Insult] be gone!

Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN

I prithee, gentle friend,

Please, gentle friend,

Let thy fair wisdom, not thy passion, sway

Let your lovely wisdom, not your anger, rule

In this uncivil and thou unjust extent

In this impolite and extremely unfair extent

Against thy peace. Go with me to my house,

Against your peace. Go with me to my house,

And hear thou there how many fruitless pranks

And hear from me there how many unsuccessful pranks

This ruffian hath botch'd up, that thou thereby

This ruffian has messed up, and that you therefore

Mayst smile at this: thou shalt not choose but go:

May smile at this: you shall not choose to do anything else:

Do not deny. Beshrew his soul for me,

Do not deny it. Forgive his soul for me,

He started one poor heart of mine in thee.

He started one poor heart of mine in you.

SEBASTIAN

What relish is in this? how runs the stream?

What delight is this? How is this happening?

Or I am mad, or else this is a dream:

Or I am insane, or else this is a dream:

Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep;

Let I still stay in the waters of forgetfulness;

If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep!

If this is what dreaming is like, let me still sleep!

OLIVIA

Nay, come, I prithee; would thou'ldst be ruled by me!

No, come, please; I wish you would do as I say!

SEBASTIAN

Madam, I will.

My lady, I will.

OLIVIA

O, say so, and so be!

Oh, say so, and may it be so!

Exeunt

Enter MARIA and Clown

MARIA

Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard;

No, please, put on these robes and this beard;

make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: do

make him believe you are Sir Topas the minister: do

it quickly; I'll call Sir Toby the whilst.

it quickly; I'll call Sir Toby while you do.

Exit

Clown

Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself

Well, I'll put it on, and I will be untrue to myself

in't; and I would I were the first that ever

in it; and I wish that I were the first that ever

dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to

deceived others in such robes. I am not tall enough to

become the function well, nor lean enough to be

resemble the function well, nor lean enough to be



thought a good student; but to be said an honest man

thought a good student; but to be called an honest man

and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a

and a good housekeeper is as good as to say a

careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.

careful man and a great scholar. The players enter.

Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA

SIR TOBY BELCH

Jove bless thee, master Parson.

Jove bless you, master Priest.

MALVOLIO

[Within] Who calls there?

[Inside] Who's there?

Clown

Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio

Sir Topas the minister, who comes to visit Malvolio

the lunatic.

the insane man.

MALVOLIO

Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.

Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.

Clown

Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man!

Out, terrible devil! How you trouble this man!

talkest thou nothing but of ladies?

Do you talk of nothing but ladies!

SIR TOBY BELCH

Well said, Master Parson.

Well said, Priest.

MALVOLIO

Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir

Sir Topas, no man has ever been so wronged; good Sir

Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me

Topas, do not think I am insane: they have placed me

here in hideous darkness.

here in terrible darkness.

Clown

Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most

Out, you dishonest Satan! I call you by the most

modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones

moderate terms; for I am one of the gentle ones

that will use the devil himself with courtesy:

that will treat the devil himself with courtesy:

sayest thou that house is dark?

are you saying that house is dark?

MALVOLIO

As hell, Sir Topas.

As hell is, Sir Topas.

Clown

Why it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes,



and the clearstores toward the south north are as



lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of



obstruction?

Why, it's beautiful and bright, and yet you say

it is dark?

MALVOLIO

I am not mad, Sir Topas: I say to you, this house is dark.

Clown

Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness

Madman, you are wrong: I say, there is no darkness

but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than

but ignorance; in which you are more puzzled than

the Egyptians in their fog.

the Egyptians were in their ignorance.

MALVOLIO

I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though

I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, even if

ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there

ignorance was as dark as hell; and I say, there

was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you

was never a man treated so badly. I am no more mad than you

are: make the trial of it in any constant question.

ask me a question, any question to prove it.

Clown

What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl?

What is the opinion of Pythagoras about wild birds?

MALVOLIO

That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.