The Child Whisperer (46 page)

Handling Tantrums in Public

You’ve seen that child in the grocery story (perhaps your own at one point) who has obviously gone into meltdown mode. Screaming, flailing, tears, you name it. Parents try everything—ignoring their child, shushing them, leaving the store. As you put your Child Whisperer skills to use, you will experience fewer episodes like these. Just in case you experience one again, consider the following:

Type 1 Tantrums
:
Put simply, the fun-loving child is not having fun. Perhaps you’ve been running errands all day. Or this trip to the store is just too structured and confining. If your child has already reached a place of being out of control, do not try to control them more or contain their energy. Stop what you are doing and focus on creating a fun experience in that very moment. This will look like different things in different places. Be your child’s Child Whisperer and listen to your inspiration.

Type 2 Tantrums
:
The sensitive child will not usually throw loud tantrums, but they may become weepy or whiny. This is a cue for you that they are feeling overwhelmed, that their plan has been disrupted, or they are not feeling heard, or they are just plain tired and need the comfort of their home. The minute you get down on their level and tell them you want to hear how they feel, they will usually respond in a way that resolves the tantrum. Listen and respond in an inspired, child-whisperer way.

Type 3 Tantrums
:
The determined child is just plain determined to do something else. Their tantrum in a public place is just an outward attempt to move on to other things. Depending on your child’s age, you might turn your current errand into a challenge. Alternatively, ask them what they really want to do and then promise to help them make it happen as soon as they help you finish the errand that you’re on. They will jump in to help you achieve that result.

Type 4 Tantrums
:
The more serious child may need a moment of solitude to center themselves if you’ve been out all day. No matter how many errands you run, your child needs a say in the schedule of their day. Before you ever leave the house, have a conversation about what both of you expect from your day. Take their own hopes into account as you explain the bigger picture of what they can expect.

Spanking

Spanking is not the dominant disciplinary tactic used at the time of this writing. It is not necessary to talk about how each of the four Types respond to spanking as most do not respond well.

Of all the Types, Type 3 children may respond to a little spank, as it may be the most direct and swift message they need to get their attention before they dart off into the street or take on a challenge that is not safe and appropriate for their age. It is a physical message that distracts them from doing something physically unsafe. Be very direct in saying, “Mommy or Daddy spanked you because what you were about to do was very dangerous and not safe, and I love you enough to make sure you are always safe.”

In other situations and for other Types of children, this message will not be as effective. You may try and go about spanking as a punishment in a logical way by explaining to your child why you are doing it, but it does not have the intended effect you may try to achieve. Regardless of what you say, the message your child may hear is that their parent struck them in an attempt to get them to comply or submit. That is damaging for a child and makes them feel flawed. It is simply not effective, nor is it appropriate, to systematically strike your child in order to get them to comply with your wishes.

Discipline in General

In some of these cases, you may be thinking, “So that tactic is seen as a punishment for my child—isn’t punishment what I
want
to be doing?” Perhaps. But
consider what you want your end result to be
.

If you want to punish your child, to make them feel bad or belittled for something they did, then one of the tactics above can do that, depending on your child’s Type. However, if your goal is cooperation, understanding, and mutual respect, then you need to forget about punishment and focus on Child Whispering.

You may think that discipline is supposed to be a painful punishment. But discipline at its best is educational, instructional, inspiring, and motivating. It’s an opportunity to teach. Consider whether or not you approach discipline this way and why, as well as why you wouldn’t.

Remember, you may have been punishing your child for behaviors and tendencies that are true to their nature, which only sends them the message, “It is not okay to be you. Who you are is upsetting to people!” This is critically important: Being parented contrary to our nature is the number one reason the self-help industry is booming. So many wounded adults in the world were sent the message as children that it wasn’t okay to live true to their nature, so they created personality traits and beliefs about themselves consistent with that message.

Is your child’s “bad” behavior an attempt to get your attention or send you a message? Is the “bad” behavior just a difference in your movement, or an attempt on their part to get more of the kind of movement they need? Is their “bad” behavior a negative reaction to feeling controlled or shut down? There are so many more possibilities open for you to explore when you know your child’s nature. If you focus on the end result that I assume you want (cooperation, understanding, connection, and respect), you can consider other ways to guide and correct your child’s behavior.

Type 1 Discipline:
Type 1 children want to see a smile on others’ faces, so keep whatever discipline you have for them light. Never keep things too serious with them or yell at them. They’ll just disconnect and won’t get the point you want to make with them anyway. Always approach them with a light manner.

Type 2 Discipline:
Talk in terms of emotion. Speak gently to your Type 2 child. They do not want to upset you or let you down and may have a strong reaction if you give them a single look of disappointment. They are sensitive, so never be severe or aggressive with them or they will break down or withdraw. Use a few more words with them to reassure them of where they stand with you.

Type 3 Discipline:
Be direct and to the point, and mete out any discipline as something they can do. These children can be very reactive and may draw a strong reaction from you—stay calm! Give your child a meaningful activity to redirect them and try to give them opportunities and appropriate ways to express themselves. If you push them, they will push back, so make sure your disciplinary approach is one that is clear and direct.

Type 4 Discipline:
Connect at the head and use logic and reason. Explain why they should or should not do certain things. Allow them to decide on their own consequence together with you—with their high standard, they might choose something with a higher standard than you would. Do not discipline your Type 4 child in front of others. And never mock them, even if you are teasing in an attempt to lighten them up.

Parenting Myths and Milestones

Parents also run up against an army of opinion and cultural assumptions, telling them what children need to do and how they are supposed to be. Let’s look at some commonly held parenting beliefs in our society. These beliefs lead to fights and struggles that parents have every day, and they just don’t need to anymore. As a Child Whisperer, you can rethink them and try something better.

Sharing

We want our children to be gracious and generous. In an attempt to help children interact with others, parents often tell their children to share. Sharing is tricky territory because sharing toys in every instance is not always supportive to your child. Before you ask your child to share their toys again, consider why you are doing so. Do you want your child to be accepted as the nice child? Do you want to look like a good parent? Is your request truly supportive to your child’s development?

Type 1 Sharing
:
Type 1 children are the most likely to adapt to others. They want others to be happy, so they are generally willing to share and they disconnect quickly if another child takes their toy. They share pretty easily if you reassure them that they can play with the toy again later.

Type 2 Sharing
:
Type 2 children do not naturally tend to speak up for what they want or need. If they don’t want to share a toy, or a toy was taken from them, support your child in feeling heard in social experiences.

Type 3 Sharing
:
Type 3 children will just go for what they want, not realizing they are plowing over other children or taking toys from them. Consider helping your child see working together with other children as a goal. How can they work together with the toys and each other? Perhaps they could build a tower together or have a race. The focus will be diverted from sharing and move to an end result.

Type 4 Sharing
: This discussion of sharing is probably most important for parents of Type 4 children. They are selective about the people they allow to share their things—not because they are greedy, but because they care for their possessions in certain ways and they worry that someone else might not take the same kind of care with them. These children are sometimes judged as stingy or territorial when they really are just worrying that others won’t handle their possessions properly.

Child Whisperer Tip:
These children need to know there are certain things that nobody touches—not even Mom or Dad. Let your child mark them. For example, my Type 4 grandson, Seth, has a labeled box under his bed of certain toys that are just “Seth’s Specials.” Even Seth’s siblings know they are not to get into them without his permission. Explain to your child that they probably shouldn’t take those special toys to the park or a friend’s house because other children will want to play with them and they don’t want to have to waste their time guarding their very favorite items.

Eating Vegetables

How many bites until your child gets dessert? This fight around the dinner table can set children up for unhealthy eating patterns later in life. You obviously want them to eat healthy foods, but consider the possibility that there’s another way to do it, true to their nature.

Type 1 Vegetables
: Type 1 children may not like to eat their vegetables because those foods are not often portrayed as fun foods. The structure of your meal may also give dessert a celebratory feel, while the rest of dinner feels structured and planned. Does dessert get the fun-food title in your house?

Child Whisperer Tip:
Consider making vegetables into fun food, just like every other food on their plate. Don’t demand a certain number of bites or a structured set of rules for earning treats. Type 1 children have a random nature, so you can give them a random mix of food. If they have dessert served right along with their meal, they will be able to take random bites of both and be more likely to see all foods as equal resources that they can manage wisely. Also, let them have some fun preparing the healthier foods. There are a lot of resources online showing examples of how to make vegetables fun by making them into pictures and shapes along with fun recipes to try out with your Type 1.

Type 2 Vegetables
:
Type 2 children want to eat food that makes them feel comforted or cozy. They tend to stick to foods they feel comfortable with and don’t like to feel put on the spot to try something new that they are not prepared for. They also have sensitive palates and constitutions that are more likely to react to strong or spicy foods. Pushing them too hard to eat certain foods can influence them to become emotional eaters later in life.

Child Whisperer Tip:
Allow your Type 2 child to try new foods at their own pace, even if it is slower than you would like. Let them return often to foods that feel comforting. Tell them you would like to help them feel comfortable to try new foods and ask if they would like to help you plan or prepare some new dishes. Teach them why eating healthy foods is good for them. These extra details will encourage healthy eating.

Type 3 Vegetables:
Type 3 children eat fast and they’re done. They want the result of having eaten swiftly and being finished. They also like variety in their food, so eating the same thing over and over is not supportive to them.

Child Whisperer Tip:
Let them make food into a challenge. How many new foods can they eat? Ask them what new foods they’d like to try and then prepare them. Type 3 children can sit at the table and eat their food with the family, but do not demand that they stay at the table for a long period of time, waiting for everyone else. If you want them to be with the family, perhaps they could be in charge of starting to clear the table when they finish.