The Bucket List (25 page)

"You
all right?"

She looked over at the bed and realised John had been watching her all along.

"No," she whispered with a sad little smile. "You and I need to talk. But I need to talk to Corey first."

Neither
Corey or Mandy were picking up their phone. She managed to find her room at the hotel but Michelle, whom she was sharing a room with, told her she hadn't come back the previous night. She decided to hang around. Wherever they were, they'd have to come back to get ready for the show that night.

So that meant she had to find
Nate first. When she got that apology out of the way she could find Irving and tell him the truth. Then that would leave Corey, Mandy and John. She found the message he had sent her the previous day with his room number then made her way to his floor. But the first people she met by the elevator were Peyton and Kelly.

"I don't think you'll score here,
Rachael," Peyton snickered.

Great. Had it been that obvious?

"Eat shit and die, bitch," she muttered before walking past her.

The
groupies only laughed. Obviously, whatever little respect she'd had before had been shot to pieces. But she couldn't dwell on that. She had a hard day ahead of her.

Nate
's door was answered at the first knock, but it was clear when the shock registered in his eyes that he hadn't been expecting her at all.

"Rae. I didn't think you'd come."

"We need to talk. Can I come in?"

He stood aside to let her pass, but she still felt as if he didn't really want her there. Well, she wasn't going to take up too much of his time. She was sure once she told him what she had done, he would kick her out, anyway.

"Have you seen Irving yet? He was in here for hours trying to get me to talk," he said as he followed her into the room.

"I'll find him soon. I needed to talk to you first," she said as she turned around to face him. "I wanted to apologise for Saturday. And yesterday. I jumped to a lot of conclusions when I heard you on the phone to Beth so I just took the easy option. I should have said it to your face straight away. I didn't like that you couldn't tell her you were with me, and that you left me to be with her."

"I didn't leave to be with Beth, I left so you could be with your family. I thought you'd tell them what was really going on once they cornered you," he answered. "And I didn't feel it was right to tell Beth about you over the phone."

"Didn't wanna break her heart?" she asked sarcastically.

"No. I just wanted to look her in the eye when I told her I was over her. And when I told her I feel more for you than I ever felt for her."

"But you were in love with her," she stated.

"Yes."

The realisation of his words knocked the wind out of her sails and she had to sit down. He was in love with her?
After only a week?

Nate
walked over to the wall by the glass door and casually leaned on it, his hands in his pockets as he looked at her.

"I mean it, Rae," he continued softly. "What you're doing with your list and everything made me realise that life is short and you've got to make each day count."

"You can't be in love with me," she whispered, her hand going to her temple as she thought how her next words were going to affect him.

"Yes, I can. I got into this with my eyes wide open. I wanted to make you feel special so I gave you all that I am, with no reservations. I opened my heart to you. But don't
worry, I'm not going to force myself on you or anything. I know with everything you're going through, you're not even thinking like that," he answered. "I just wanted you to know so you learn to trust me."

What had she done?

"So you didn't sleep with Beth?"

"No!" he denied vehemently. "I haven't even seen her yet, she's supposed to be here any minute. It was Matt's bright idea. He thought if he got her to come over, I'd take one look at her and take her back. But I'd never do that, I'd never cheat on you."

She closed her eyes to block the sincere look in his eyes. And so she wouldn't see the hurt in them when she finally told him the truth.

"I cheated on you," she blurted out. "Last night. I saw a lifeline and I took it. I'm sorry."

That was met with a deafening silence that forced her to open her eyes. She swore she could actually see his heart breaking as he looked at her before that closed look finally settled in his eyes. What the fuck had she done? Nate had been nothing but good to her and she'd fucked everything up.

"
Nate... "

"I cant
... not now," he said hoarsely.

"I didn't mean to hurt you," she said.

"Rae... Please... Just go."

With a final look at him, she got up and made her way to the door. As she had predicted, he was kicking her out. And he would probably never speak to her again. She deserved no less.
Nate was too good for her. She should have realised that from the beginning and not got involved with him.

"I'm sorry," she said again before finally walking out of the door.

When she closed it, the tears she had been holding escaped her eyes. She should have explained herself a bit better, she should have fought for him. She should have let him know that she wasn't ready to let go of him. She should have let him know that had she not been dying, she would have easily fallen in love with him, too.

But she couldn't do that. She had to let him go. It hadn't been fair getting into a relationship that had no future in the first place.

***

"Where the hell have you been?"

She couldn't remember how she had ended up knocking on Irving's door. Every step she'd taken away from Nate's door had brought home certain realizations, the biggest of which was how, after telling everyone the truth, she would have no choice but to carry out her plan. She would have to say goodbye.

Even as
Irving ushered her into the room and cursed her out for her actions, her heart broke into a million pieces.

"I've told you over and over again that you don't touch that shit," he continued. "Is it not bad enough that you don't respect yourself?"

She sank into the couch, only half listening as she formed the words she was going to say. The words that were going to change his life.

"So?"

She looked up at him and realised he had just asked her a question.

"Huh?"

"God, you're high now, aren't you?"

"No!" she denied.

"So answer me. What the hell were you thinking?"

She sighed as she ran a hand through her hair. This was it.

"I just wanted to forget... just for one night," she whispered.

"Forget what?" he asked. "We've all been worried about you. I told you before you can come to me for anything. I can't understand why you would do drugs, not after the last time."

Aah, yes. The last time. Just after her mum's funeral when she had disappeared for days. Irving had actually been the one who had found her and taken her back home. Instead of shouting at her, he had talked to her and got her to open up. He'd also got her to promise she would never touch the stuff again.

"I'm sorry," she said sincerely. "I'm sorry you had to worry about me like this. I'm sorry I disrespected you like that on Saturday. I'm sorry I waited so long to get to know you. I'm sorry for everything,
Irving."

"You're going to have to do better than that,
Rachael."

She looked up into his eyes and thought how his was the second heart she was going to break that day. It wasn't getting easier at all.

"I wanted to forget, even if only for one night, that I'm dying."

***

He sat on his parents' porch swing, a smoke burning between his fingers, totally forgotten. The previous night kept replaying in his mind as it had all night, even as he'd held Alyssa as she'd cried herself to sleep.

He blamed himself for the way he was feeling. If he hadn't got her
drunk Friday night, she would never have come on to him. He would never have dipped himself into her. And Pandora's Box would never have been opened. He would never have spent the whole Saturday relieving every beautiful time he had made love to her. That had been ten freaking years ago; it shouldn't have come so easily to him! Then, when they had gone shopping, every time she had modeled those skimpy little clothes and pranced around in her underwear, he would never have started imagining making love to her all over again

Seeing her in
Nate's arms, seeing her face the way it was... it had put more dirty thoughts in his head. Without even having to close his eyes, he had seen her in his arms instead of Nate's, heard her moan his name. After that many drinks, before Dave had finally got the better of him, he had even imagined he could taste her skin...

Last night he had felt like he had been shot to pieces. He had only just got his head around her and
Nate, only to have John nail that shit too. John, of all people. What the fuck was he playing at? Since when did he do one nighters? Unless of course it wasn't a one nighter. Shit! He hadn't thought that far. Were they now a couple? Was that what it was?

Alyssa
came out with two mugs of coffee, thankfully disturbing his thoughts. He didn't like where they'd been heading.

"Hey," she said as she handed him a cup and sat down next to him. "Thought you could use that before we head out."

He looked down at the bottles of beer that had accumulated at his feet as he took a sip of the coffee. She was right. He needed to dilute some of the alcohol in his system before his match that night. He was fighting John and he didn't really see that ending well. It would do him no good if he got into trouble for being drunk as well as beating the shit out of John.

"How are you feeling?" he asked her.

He knew she hadn't slept at all. His parents had already gone to sleep when he had led her up to his old room; she hadn't wanted to go back to the hotel in case John followed her there. She hadn't wanted to be alone either so he'd ended up sharing the bed with her all night.

"I'll live," she murmured wryly.

"I still can't believe John would do that."

"To me or to you?"

He looked down at his friend as if she had just asked the most stupid question.

"Come on,
Corey. Last night hurt you as much as it hurt me. Any idiot can see that," she explained. "I know you're in love with Rae."

"I'm not in love with her," he denied. "It's just
... it's complicated."

"Well, whatever it is, John knew about it, too. And he still did what he did."
Mandy stated bitterly as she drained her cup and stood up. "Come on, I need to get my stuff at the hotel before we head for the arena."

He followed her into the house, a frown on his face as he thought over her words. Love? What he was feeling
... it couldn't be explained by that dirty, meaningless little word. But he knew whatever it was had him wishing he had been in John's shoes last night.

Corey
was already waiting by the Gorilla when he got there. He had been dreading this moment the whole day, dreading facing the man who was in love with the woman he had slept with. How would he explain this? For years he had not given into his baser instincts but last night had been different. Rae had been different. He'd sensed so much desperation in her, not sexual desperation, but something more, something stronger. It had scared him. Everything she had done over the weekend had scared him. She had gone to such extremes just to avoid talking to anyone. He had known that meant she was hiding something pretty big.

And then in the morning, when he had seen her crying, seen her shoulders haunch in defeat, she had confirmed it. But she'd said she had to speak to
Corey first. He could understand that, Corey was after all the most important person in her life. But the waiting was killing him. After getting Corey's precious car back home, he'd had nothing but time to think and he hadn't liked his thoughts at all. He had been waiting for her to get in touch all day so he could finally know what the hell was going on. He didn't really need to know what the previous night meant for their relationship, he knew they were still friends. He knew it hadn't been the beginning of something. Last night had been what it had been, just a side effect of whatever she was going through. He just wished she would hurry up and talk to him.

Judging from the intense anger coming from the younger man, he guessed she hadn't got around to talking to him yet, either. Did he even realise that the only reason he was so angry was because he was in love with Rae?

"Corey... I'm sorry," he started when he finally stood next to him.

"It's not me you should be
apologizing to," Corey snapped without even looking at him.

He could smell the alcohol on him a mile away. It didn't take a genius to figure out what he had been doing all night.

"I know. I'm going to find Mandy after the show. She's been ignoring my calls."