The Bucket List (11 page)

"Anything to do with me?"
Nate questioned.

"Why would you think that?"

The last thing she wanted to do was explain that she'd picked him as her Mr. Right.

"Maybe the fact that
Corey was looking at me like a bug he wanted to step on," Nate chuckled. "Is he upset that you spent the morning with me? I could tell him nothing happened if you want."

"Trust me, I think he'd rather hear that something did happen," Rae muttered.

"I don't get it," Nate frowned.

"I don't either," Rae said. "I'd have thought he, of all people, would stand by me."

"What do you mean?"

Rae sighed and looked away from him.

"I'm not a nice person, a number of people can testify to that," she explained. "But since my mum died I've been trying to be different. Corey thinks it's all a joke, that people can't change."

"I think they can. They can go from being sweet, nice woman to total bitches, so I think it works the other way round as well," he muttered bitterly.

Rae looked into his eyes and noticed the pain in them. Why hadn't she seen it before? He might as well have been wearing a sign but she'd missed it. As always she'd been too self absorbed.

"Wanna talk about it?" she asked.

"No."

The way he said it left no room for argument. She'd never been one to pry in other people's affairs, anyway. The only person she knew all about was
Corey and for 25 years she'd been happy to keep it like that. Now she had to learn about this man. If he didn't want to talk about whatever was making him hurt like that she had to find something else to talk about.

What did people talk about when they were just hanging out? She couldn't flirt with him because that would only lead to one thing and she was trying not to do that. She couldn't tease him like she did John because they weren't that close yet. She certainly couldn't treat him like she did
Corey. That relationship was almost 25 years old, no one could ever be as close to her like Corey. So what the hell was she supposed to talk about?

"Yeah..." she started,
biting her bottom lip. "So what do you want to talk about?"

"I don't know. Anything, I guess. You can tell me why you feel the need to change."

"That's easy. I can tell you the truth since you know already," she said. "I don't want to die alone."

"So you want to change everything you are to
accommodate someone else? How will that make you happy?"

She hadn't looked at it like that.

"I'm not happy now anyway. I just want to feel what it's like, you know, to have someone treat you like you're the most precious thing in the world," she explained. "As it is, I'm only going to have three people at my funeral."

"Don't talk like that. You don't know if you're going to die."

Of course she was going to die. She had already decided on it. She looked away and watched some of the crew battling with their equipment at the end of the hall.

"Maybe if you tell
Corey things will get better."

"How? I'll still be a selfish bitch and I'll still be dying," she said bitterly.

"You need someone, Rae. If you tell Corey, I'm sure he'll surprise you. He might be just what you need to get through the treatment."

"If I tell him then things will change. I don't want his pity,
Nate. I don't want anyone's pity," she said. "Anyway, I don't want to talk about that anymore."

"
Okay. What do you want to talk about, then?"

"I got nothing. Normally I do a lot of flirting, throw in a few dirty, inappropriate remarks and do a lot of touching. Since I'm trying to change, I can't do that with you."

"No, you can't" Nate laughed.

"You say that as if, if I did that, you'd turn me down."

"Well, I haven't exactly been throwing myself at you, have I?" Nate said. "No offence, Rae, but you're not my type."

Not his type
?! What the fuck?! She was every man's wet dream, she knew that. Unless he was gay... Was he? That would change her plan quite a lot.

"Are you gay?" she asked.

Nate had the audacity to laugh.

"Definitely not," he answered.

She felt a bit insulted. He was more or less rejecting her before she'd made a move.

"So what are you doing with me, then?" she asked.

"I don't know. You needed me, I couldn't turn you away."

"So you're talking to me out of pity?" she asked incredulously.

"I have my own shit going on. It was just a coincidence that I was in that elevator when you passed out."

"But you said, when I was leaving, that if I needed to talk I could come to you."

"You'd just told me you have a tumor."

Rae looked away from him quickly before he could see her tears forming. She never cried. Even when the doctor had given her that news, she hadn't cried. It was pathetic that she'd cry now.

"Thanks, Nate. I'll see you around," she murmured as she jumped down from the case.

"Rae, wait."

"It's all right, Nate. I've got real friends, two of them. I don't need you."

***

Instead of staying to watch the show, Rae decided to head back to the hotel. She suddenly felt so tired... tired of all the shit life had thrown at her, tired of trying so hard to be something she obviously could not be. She'd never cared what people thought of her before but tonight it had got to her. How could Corey have said that to her? And how dare Nate pretend he wanted to be friends when all the while he was just feeling sorry for her?

On her way out she bumped into
Alyssa. The way she was feeling, even the brunette's beauty failed to perk her up.

"Hi, Rae,"
Alyssa said with her usual smile.

How could anyone smile all the time? What the hell was she so happy about.

"Hi," she answered, then made to walk past her without another word.

"Are you
all right?" Mandy asked.

Rae grunted sarcastically. Was she
all right? Her best friend had just informed her that no one would ever consider her for a serious relationship. Then the man she had decided to try it out with had more or less confirmed it.

"Yeah. Sure," she said.

"Aren't you staying for the show?"

"I'm feeling a bit tired. I'm just going to pack my stuff ready for when we check out tomorrow then turn in," Rae answered.

"Wanna grab something to eat or a drink instead? I don't have a match tonight," Alyssa said.

Rae frowned a bit. Why would
Alyssa want to hang out with her? She hadn't exactly made any moves to be friendly or anything when they'd been out the night before.

"Why?" she asked bluntly.

"Well, you're one of the most important people in Corey's life, and he's my good friend. I just thought it would be nice to get to know each other," Alyssa answered.

Nice? What planet was she from? Hadn't she heard that anything to do with her was anything but nice?

"I don't know," she started.

"Come on, it'll be fun," the brunette said before she could protest, then linked her arm in hers to walk out with her.

Once she was settled in a chair at a bar not far from the arena, Rae felt like she'd just been bulldozed. Obviously Alyssa was more than a pretty face. She probably had to be firm to put up with all the other fighters, especially the men.

"Here you are,"
Alyssa said as she set a drink in front of her and took her seat. "Drink up."

She did as she was told. Truth be told, she'd been dying to drown herself in alcohol so she could numb herself and not face what she was going through. She'd planned to do it at the hotel, in front of the
TV.

"So, are you going to tell me why I'm really here?" Rae asked.

"I don't know. You just looked like you needed cheering up." Alyssa answered.

"Do you make it a habit to cheer up every sour-faced person you meet?"

"Only the ones I like," the brunette smiled.

"You can't like me. You don't even know me."

"No, but Corey knows you and he loves you so that's all I need to know."

"Really?"

Where the fuck was this girl from?!

"Yes. Now, come on. Have another one."
Alyssa said as she signalled the waiter. "I'm not going to ask you what's wrong, I'm not going to push you to talk. If you're anything like Corey you'll do that when you're good and ready. Just relax and enjoy your drink."

"You know a lot about
Corey. Do you guys hang out a lot?" she asked.

She knew they had been friends for a few years now, but she had never been interested to know anything else. That was how
self absorbed she'd been. When she visited Corey while he was on the road, it was always just the two of them and sometimes John just holed up in his hotel room.

"Yes,"
Alyssa answered.

"You guys slept together?" she asked bluntly.

"No!" Mandy exclaimed. "Well, he tried in the beginning, but I wasn't ready for a relationship. So we decided we were better off as friends."

"If he was to come to you now, would you consider him for a serious relationship?"

"I don't know. I don't think so. He and I see life differently, it would never work."

"Because he's a man-whore?"

"Well, that, too."

"So if he came to you and said he had changed, you wouldn't believe him? You don't think people can't change?"

Alyssa frowned as she observed her.

"I know people can change,"
Alyssa said. "Fundamentally, we're all good people. It's the choices we make that change how people see us. If we intentionally make the wrong choices all the time, society says we are bad. If we try our best to make the right choices, they say we're good. So, no matter how many bad choices you've made in the past, the moment you start making the right choices people see you as a better person."

"And who the hell decides what's wrong and right?"

"Your conscious, I guess. The same thing that's telling you that you're bad right now, that you need to change. There is no clear line that says this is right or wrong, so many people fall at the sidelines. It's what you do to right the wrongs that counts."

"So you sitting there telling me you think I'm a bad person?" Rae frowned as she downed another shot of whiskey.

"No! You've told me you think you're a bad person. I'm not judging you, Rae. I'm no angel," Alyssa said.

"You could have fooled me," she muttered bitterly.

"Maybe I should ask you what's eating you," Alyssa frowned.

Rae let out as sigh and ran a hand through her wild hair.

"It's nothing. I'm just frontin'," she said. "Corey just told me no one would ever take me seriously, that I'm only good for a good time."

"He said that? Why?"

"It's a long story."

That meant she didn't want to talk about it. The brunette got it and backed off.

"For the record, and at the risk of sounding cheesy, I think you can do anything you want to do. You're a strong woman, you don't take shit from anyone. If you want someone to take you seriously I'm sure you can make them," Mandy smiled.

Rae looked at her for a minute and thought what a good head
Alyssa had on her. She wasn't ditzy at all, the way Vince and his writers portrayed her.

"You're right. Just because I'm trying to change it doesn't mean I shouldn't grab what I want and run with it. Life is too short," she murmured. "Thanks
Alyssa. I needed that."

"That's what friends are for,"
Mandy smiled.

"So we're friends?"

"I've already told you. Any friend of Corey's and John's is a friend of mine. Plus I like you."

She smiled and lifted her drink in a toast to her new friend before taking a sip.

"Okay, so you promised me this would be fun. What do you have in mind?"

"I thought you'd never ask,"
Alyssa laughed.

When
Corey and John returned to the hotel late that night, Rae was not in their room. She hadn't been picking up her phone either.

"Why the hell did you have to be so nasty, anyway? It's like you don't want her to change, like you'd rather have her floating from one meaningless tryst to another. That shit never ends well, there are so many diseases out there," John ranted as he tried her phone again.

"I didn't mean to," Corey sighed as he threw his bag on the floor. "It's just that she's trying so hard to be something she's not. I know that girl, know everything she's about. She's the other half of me. She lost her mum and thinks somehow she's being punished. Even if she does manage to find a relationship, how long do you think it will be until she's restless again?"