The Boredom of Haruhi Suzumiya (3 page)

Two days later. Sunday. 8
AM
on the dot.

We met at the city sports grounds. There were two baseball fields adjacent to the track. Each game would last five innings. The top four teams would be determined by evening, and the semifinal and final matches would be held next Sunday so it was a two-week tournament. There were many other teams around but we looked pretty out of place since our team was the only one in school gym uniforms. Almost all of the other participants were wearing baseball jerseys. And this was the first time I’d seen Nagato in something besides her school uniform, but I digress.

I found out afterward that this baseball tournament actually
had some history behind it (it was only the ninth one, though) and was apparently a fairly serious competition. In that case, I wish they’d rejected Haruhi at the front desk.

By the way, a single phone call was all it had taken to garner ready consent from Taniguchi and Kunikida. Taniguchi was in it for Asahina and Nagato while Kunikida just said, “Sounds like fun,” and decided to join in. Good thing they’re simple-minded.

The second-year Asahina had brought along to help was named Tsuruya. A cheerful girl with hair as long as Haruhi’s had been who was looking at me.

“So you’re Kyon? I’ve heard a lot about you from Mikuru. Hmm… Heh…”

As she was talking, Asahina became noticeably flustered. What did she say about me?

And then, Haruhi was currently staring at the fourth member, brought by me.

“Kyon, come here for a second.”

Haruhi dragged me to the side of the tournament’s main tent with an iron grip.

“What are you thinking? You’re going to have that thing play baseball?”

Thing is a bit rude now. That thing’s still my sister.

“She introduced herself as a ten-year-old fifth grader. She’s such a sweet little girl that it’s hard to believe she’s related to you. So anyway, she would do fine if this were Little League, but the baseball tournament we’re entering is open to the general public!”

It’s not as though I brought my sister without any thinking. This was by design, careful and thorough. Here was my logic. The fact of the matter was that I had absolutely no interest in waking up early on Sunday morning to engage in athletic activity. I had no control over the forces that had brought me to this place on this day. In which case, it would only be natural for me to want to get
this over with as soon as possible. In other words, we just needed to lose fast and go on home. Considering the members we had besides my sister, we already had no chance of winning our first match. Regardless, this was Haruhi we’re talking about. Watch us end up winning by accident. That would definitely be a pain. It was necessary to add a factor to guarantee our loss. With an amateur grade school girl added into the mix, it’d be a joke if we won.

I couldn’t tell Haruhi, but I did, in fact, have a working human brain of my own.

“Hmph, whatever.”

Haruhi snorted as she turned to the side.

“It’s a good enough handicap. I’d feel bad if we slaughtered the other team.”

Apparently, she is seriously intent on winning. I wonder how.

“By the way, we haven’t decided on a batting order or positions yet. What are we going to do?”

“I already thought that through,” Haruhi said with a satisfied smirk on her face as she took some folded-up pieces of paper out of her pocket. We just found out who our roster would be. What was she going to base her selection on?

“You don’t have any problems with deciding through this, right?”

Eight lines were drawn on each sheet of paper. There were two sheets. It looked like ladder lottery to me. Maybe I was hallucinating?

“What are you talking about? It’s obviously a lottery. One for batting order and one for field position. Also, I’m the pitcher and leadoff.”

“… So all you came up with was the method for deciding?”

“What’s with that look on your face? Got a problem with it? It’s a democratic method. They used lottery to choose government officials in ancient Greece!”

Don’t compare the ancient Greek government system to modern Japanese batting order selection. And you’re the only one who gets to choose your own position. How is that democratic?

… Oh, well. This should mean that it’ll take even less time for us to lose. When they were explaining the rules earlier, I remembered hearing that the game would be called if one team was up by ten. I should start getting ready to go home now. After all, our opponents for the first match were the three-time defending champions and the leading candidates to win this tournament.

The Kamigahara Pirates. A local college baseball team. I’d have to say that they would be considered a hardcore club. They looked dead serious. Every member was here to win. It was obvious just from watching them warm up. All of them were pumped up and shouting as they practiced throwing the ball home and setting up double plays. They were the real deal. Quite frankly, they just had a different look in their eyes. For a moment, I was starting to wonder if we were in the wrong place, before I looked at our surroundings and confirmed that we were at the city sports ground hosting the baseball tournament.

I had been fine with losing, but I was starting to want to escape reality. Our team was so pathetic that I wanted to apologize to the other team.

As I plotted how to flee in the face of the enemy, Haruhi made us all stand in a line.

“I’m going to explain our strategy now. Everybody do exactly as I say.”

She sounded like a manager.

“Okay? First of all, do whatever it takes to get on base. Once you’re on, steal your way to third base. Batters should hit strikes
and ignore balls. Simple, right? By my calculations, we can score at least three runs an inning.”

That may be what the calculations inside Haruhi’s brain are saying, but I have to wonder where she gets all her confidence from. Obviously, it doesn’t come from anywhere. After all, she’s the very embodiment of unwarranted confidence. However, most people in this world would call such a person an “idiot.” And this is no mere idiot. She reigns at the top of the food chain of the idiot world. The queen of idiots!

Allow me to inform you of the starting roster for Team SOS Brigade as determined by the god of fortune.

Leading off is pitcher Haruhi Suzumiya. Batting second is right fielder Mikuru Asahina. Batting third is center fielder Yuki Nagato. Batting cleanup is the second baseman, yours truly. Batting fifth is the left fielder, my sister. Batting sixth is catcher Itsuki Koizumi. Batting seventh is first baseman Kunikida. Batting eight is third baseman Tsuruya. Batting ninth is shortstop Taniguchi.

There you have it. No subs. No manager. No fans.

Once we had finished lining up and greeting the other team, Haruhi promptly went to the batter’s box. Since we’d completely forgotten about those things called helmets, the staff lent us some secondhand white ones. As for the stuff we’d brought ourselves, there were enough yellow megaphones for the whole team courtesy of Haruhi.

Haruhi pushed up the brim of her helmet as she raised the metal bat she’d stolen from our school baseball team and flashed a cocky grin.

The umpire called for us to play ball, and the opposing team’s pitcher began his windup motion.

The first pitch.

Clang.

A metallic sound rang through the air as the white ball flew a fair distance, passing over the head of the center fielder backing up furiously and hitting the fence after one hop. By the time the ball came back to the infield, Haruhi was already on second base.

I wasn’t particularly surprised. I would expect Haruhi to do this well. Asahina and Koizumi probably felt the same way and I’m guessing Nagato doesn’t know how to be surprised. However, the remaining members, without exception, had astonished looks on their faces as they stared at Haruhi repeatedly pumping her fist up and down. Especially the ones on the other team.

“That pitcher is totally weak! The rest of you follow my lead!” Haruhi shouted cheerfully. But it completely backfired. The opposition no longer felt like holding back just because they were facing girls.

Our second batter, Asahina, was wearing a helmet too big for her head as she nervously stood in the batter’s box.

“P-Please go easy on me—Eek!”

A high inside fastball flew by before she even finished speaking. Those bastards. If you hit Asahina, there will be dire consequences. Immediate brawling.

Asahina was still as a statue as she watched the second pitch fly by. Once the umpire announced that the batter was out, she returned to the bench, noticeably relieved.

“Hey! Why aren’t you swinging the bat?!”

Haruhi appears to be saying something, but we can just ignore her. All that matters is that Asahina is safe.

“…”

Our third batter was Nagato. She wordlessly walked to the batter’s box, dragging the tip of the metal bat along the ground.

“…”

She let every pitch go by and was immediately struck out. She then silently returned and turned to the next batter, me.

“…”

She handed me the helmet and bat before mutely sitting down on the bench and going back to being a prop.

Haruhi’s angry yelling was getting annoying. Well, it was her fault for expecting anything from Asahina and Nagato.

“Kyon! You’d better get a hit! You’re batting cleanup!”

What can you possibly expect from a cleanup chosen through lottery?

I followed Nagato’s lead and stood in the batter’s box, without saying a word.

The first pitch I let go was a strike. I was surprised. It was pretty fast. You could even hear the swooshing sound of the ball slicing through the air. I had no idea how fast it was, but I could barely see it. In fact, I saw the pitcher throw the ball, and the next thing I knew, it was in the catcher’s mitt. Haruhi doubled off a pitch like this?

The second pitch. I tried swinging. The metal bat sliced through empty air. Swing and a miss. Didn’t even touch the ball. I doubt it’s going to happen.

The third pitch. Whoa, the ball curved. Was that what they call a curveball? If I hadn’t swung, it would have missed the outside corner and been a ball, but I swung and it was all over. Three consecutive strikeouts. Three outs. Change sides.

“Moron!”

The opposing team returned to their bench as Haruhi yelled and waved her hands from the middle-left side of the infield.

Feeling pretty ashamed.

Our defense, quite frankly, had more holes than an anthill in a savanna.

The outfield was especially horrendous. First of all, Asahina was
in right field and my sister was in left and neither of them was going to be catching any fly balls. We found that out during pregame warm-ups. So when the ball flew toward right field, it was me, the second baseman, and when the ball flew toward left, it was Taniguchi, the shortstop, who had to run at full speed to where the ball was falling. Whenever Asahina saw the ball flying toward her, she would crouch down and cover her head with her glove, so we couldn’t expect anything from her. My sister, on the other hand, would cheerfully run after the ball before watching it drop three meters away from where she was, so that was another lost cause.

Nagato, in center, fielded the ball perfectly, but she only reacted to balls within her range. And her movement was sluggish, so if a line drive got past her, the batter was guaranteed a double.

… Just lose quick and go home. That works.

“Let’s shut them out! Yeah!”

Haruhi was getting pumped up by herself. It goes without saying that the chest protector, shin guards, and catcher’s mitt for the person on the receiving end of her pitches, Koizumi, were all borrowed.

The opposing leadoff batter bowed to the umpire before heading to the batter’s box.

Haruhi threw her first pitch with an overhand motion.

Strike.

An impressive fastball with great spin, speed, and control. The pitch was right down the middle, but the force behind the ball was so intense that the bat didn’t even twitch.

Naturally, I, along with the other SOS Brigade members, was not surprised. If she were suddenly named to the national soccer team, we probably still wouldn’t be surprised. Anything is possible with Haruhi.

But the same couldn’t be said for the opposing leadoff batter. He stood in a daze as the second pitch flew by. He finally swung on the third pitch, but unfortunately, he struck out. Her pitch
apparently had a tendency to change slightly when it reached the batter. Really vicious, just like Haruhi’s personality.

The second batter, after receiving advice from the leadoff batter, gripped his bat to bunt. But after hitting two fouls, he also struck out.

I was getting worried. At this rate, the game might not be decided until the last inning. However, the meat of the order delivered. The third batter landed a solid hit on Haruhi’s pitch. If you keep throwing fastballs in the strike zone, you’re going to give up hits.

The ball sailed far above Nagato, who didn’t move a muscle, and disappeared outside the ballpark.

Haruhi glared at the third hitter circling the infield as though she were Queen Medea, just betrayed by Jason.