Read The Book of Even More Awesome Online
Authors: Neil Pasricha
The Book of Even More Awesome (18 page)
Now, while cracking top spot at home offers a big rush, there's something to be said about the
rare moment
you actually pull it off in an old arcade.
rare moment
you actually pull it off in an old arcade.
After all, you probably dumped a few buckets of quarters into the machine just to get to
M. Bison,
so the payoff was your treat for spending weeks of allowance and candy money. Also, you got to put your initials into the machine, which means you can go with your actual initials, the
AAA default
, or the filthiest three-letter word you know. Just make sure nobody unplugs the machine, and have a couple witnesses so you've got proof of being
the
A.S.S. at Tony's Pizza Slice who racked up 171,000 points on
Ms. Pac-Man
.
M. Bison,
so the payoff was your treat for spending weeks of allowance and candy money. Also, you got to put your initials into the machine, which means you can go with your actual initials, the
AAA default
, or the filthiest three-letter word you know. Just make sure nobody unplugs the machine, and have a couple witnesses so you've got proof of being
the
A.S.S. at Tony's Pizza Slice who racked up 171,000 points on
Ms. Pac-Man
.
Setting a new high score on a video game is a moment of total euphoria. Your heart speeds up and your brain flies off as you realize you're making it big. Yes, you turned tightly on
Rainbow Road
, nailed a Tetris when the screen was full, and hit all the right notes on the guitar.
Rainbow Road
, nailed a Tetris when the screen was full, and hit all the right notes on the guitar.
The blisters, eyestrain, and malnutrition were worth it, you think to yourself, as you survey your dark and seedy den of empty chip bags,
greasy pizza boxes
, and dirty socks. And as that slow smile curls across your face make sure you take a long, quiet moment to stare at the TV screen and bask in your glowing moment of guts and glory.
greasy pizza boxes
, and dirty socks. And as that slow smile curls across your face make sure you take a long, quiet moment to stare at the TV screen and bask in your glowing moment of guts and glory.
AWESOME!
Taking a spin on a shopping cart
Hey, baby.
Take a ride on the wild side.
Yes, while walking down that
empty grocery store
aisle look left at the Cocoa Puffs, look right at the rice cakes, nod confidently, and then step on the cart and fly.
empty grocery store
aisle look left at the Cocoa Puffs, look right at the rice cakes, nod confidently, and then step on the cart and fly.
Apples bounce,
bread slides
, and there are some intense g-forces on your salami. But a few seconds later, a few feet away, how much are you smiling after that dangerous
floortile thrill ride
to the yogurt?
bread slides
, and there are some intense g-forces on your salami. But a few seconds later, a few feet away, how much are you smiling after that dangerous
floortile thrill ride
to the yogurt?
Now, there are a few different ways the dangerous deeds go down. Here we go:
1.
Pedal to the Metal
. This is the classic one-foot ride to heaven. Two hands on the bar, one foot jammed underneath, and your back leg hanging out like a wobbly figure skater. Just make sure you've got a watermelon and a sack of potatoes in your cart to hold her steady.
Pedal to the Metal
. This is the classic one-foot ride to heaven. Two hands on the bar, one foot jammed underneath, and your back leg hanging out like a wobbly figure skater. Just make sure you've got a watermelon and a sack of potatoes in your cart to hold her steady.
2.
Two-Footer
. This is the Pedal to the Metal with more commitment. Without your skiddy-soled runners providing an emergency brake, anything could happen. Remember to know your limits and play it safe out there.
Two-Footer
. This is the Pedal to the Metal with more commitment. Without your skiddy-soled runners providing an emergency brake, anything could happen. Remember to know your limits and play it safe out there.
3.
A-Tisket, A-Tasket.
Someone's riding in the basket. Make sure you don't crash into a wall of soup, because the only air bags in this thing are full of onions.
A-Tisket, A-Tasket.
Someone's riding in the basket. Make sure you don't crash into a wall of soup, because the only air bags in this thing are full of onions.
4.
The Station Wagon
. Remember that backseat in old station wagons facing the opposite direction? This is the shopping cart version. Hold on tight to the front of the cart and cross your fingers the driver doesn't steer you into the egg wall.
The Station Wagon
. Remember that backseat in old station wagons facing the opposite direction? This is the shopping cart version. Hold on tight to the front of the cart and cross your fingers the driver doesn't steer you into the egg wall.
5.
The Submarine.
Highly not-recommended. This deep-sea move consists of riding underneath where the soda cans and diapers usually sit. It also consists of being at the mercy of the lunatic driver above you. Remember to be safe in that grocery store jungle. Nobody wants to go home with a forehead full of kidney bean can dents.
The Submarine.
Highly not-recommended. This deep-sea move consists of riding underneath where the soda cans and diapers usually sit. It also consists of being at the mercy of the lunatic driver above you. Remember to be safe in that grocery store jungle. Nobody wants to go home with a forehead full of kidney bean can dents.
Yes, taking a quick spin on a shopping cart is a coffee aisle vacation.
It's juice and jam jubilation.
It's a diaper dash temptation.
And it's a supermarket celebration.
AWESOME!
Slurping hot soup on a cold night
Say it's a cold, bone-shivering night.
Say there's snow shooting sharp,
shooting sideways
, shooting into your eyes, and the wind is just howling and twirling into mini-tornadoes, slicing and dicing deep through your coat and into your chest. Your fingers are icicles, your nose a
dented, frozen strawberry
, and your cheeks look like someone ran them over with a cheese grater a few times.
shooting sideways
, shooting into your eyes, and the wind is just howling and twirling into mini-tornadoes, slicing and dicing deep through your coat and into your chest. Your fingers are icicles, your nose a
dented, frozen strawberry
, and your cheeks look like someone ran them over with a cheese grater a few times.
On nights like this, just face it:
You're an ice-cold mess
.
You're an ice-cold mess
.
You need to get home fast and eat some soup.
Yes, you need to stomp your boots, shake the snow off your jacket, let your glasses steam up, and touch-feel your way to the kitchen to heat it up, pour it up,
snag those saltines up
, and sit right down to slurp up one of life's great pleasures:
snag those saltines up
, and sit right down to slurp up one of life's great pleasures:
â¢
Temperature check
. That soup's steaming hot and you're ice cold and now is not the time for First-Degree Tongue Burn. Make sure your slurps force cooler air into your mouth to chill the soup out a bit. It's like cooling beer bottles in the freezer for a few minutes or nuking the cold half of your dinner for ten seconds to heat it back upâjust some temperature knob twiddling to get it
jussssssst
right.
Temperature check
. That soup's steaming hot and you're ice cold and now is not the time for First-Degree Tongue Burn. Make sure your slurps force cooler air into your mouth to chill the soup out a bit. It's like cooling beer bottles in the freezer for a few minutes or nuking the cold half of your dinner for ten seconds to heat it back upâjust some temperature knob twiddling to get it
jussssssst
right.
â¢
Our ancestors did it
. What, do you think cavemen sipped their soup politely? No, I bet they slurped it straight from the saber-tooth skull and loved doing it. Next time your date pops up from her steak with gravy on her cheeks,
meat in her teeth
, and mashed potato in her hair, just flash a big thumbs-up and start slurping your soup. It's all about embracing our common roots.
Our ancestors did it
. What, do you think cavemen sipped their soup politely? No, I bet they slurped it straight from the saber-tooth skull and loved doing it. Next time your date pops up from her steak with gravy on her cheeks,
meat in her teeth
, and mashed potato in her hair, just flash a big thumbs-up and start slurping your soup. It's all about embracing our common roots.
â¢
Get closer
. To slurp properly, you may need to hunch right on over the soup bowl. Yes, lean those shoulders forward and let that steam fog up your glasses and thaw your face. You are a few inches closer to being at one with the soup. It's your Chicken Noodle Moment of Zen.
Get closer
. To slurp properly, you may need to hunch right on over the soup bowl. Yes, lean those shoulders forward and let that steam fog up your glasses and thaw your face. You are a few inches closer to being at one with the soup. It's your Chicken Noodle Moment of Zen.
So next time you get home from a long and cold walk home, just heat up some soup and start laying down some
wet and juicy slurps
.
wet and juicy slurps
.
Also works with hot chocolate.
AWESOME!
Turning off all the lights during a thunderstorm
Hey, it's not like you can play outside,
go swimming
, ride your bike, or walk to the store. So just flick off the lights, yank open the blinds, and stare out the window at the majestic streaks of bright lightning cracking down all around you.
go swimming
, ride your bike, or walk to the store. So just flick off the lights, yank open the blinds, and stare out the window at the majestic streaks of bright lightning cracking down all around you.
AWESOME!
The Perfect Egg Crack
Put your hand up if you've ever tried to fish out some
slippery, slathery
eggshell pieces from a bowl full of raw egg.
slippery, slathery
eggshell pieces from a bowl full of raw egg.
Brother, I been there too and we both know it ain't pretty.
Shell Diving
sure is high on the
Kitchen Humiliation List
, together with dropping a piece of toast jam-side-down, opening the oven door and having massive black clouds blow out, or cracking an ice cube tray so strongly you send rogue cubes scattering across the floor.
Shell Diving
sure is high on the
Kitchen Humiliation List
, together with dropping a piece of toast jam-side-down, opening the oven door and having massive black clouds blow out, or cracking an ice cube tray so strongly you send rogue cubes scattering across the floor.
Yes, The
Awful Egg Crack
is guaranteed to redden cheeks and knock amateur chefs down a few pegs, so that's why it's sweet when you finally master The Perfect Egg Crack. You can do it at home, by yourself, with a bit of practice. Just follow these three easy steps:
Awful Egg Crack
is guaranteed to redden cheeks and knock amateur chefs down a few pegs, so that's why it's sweet when you finally master The Perfect Egg Crack. You can do it at home, by yourself, with a bit of practice. Just follow these three easy steps:
Step 1. The Tap N' Crack.
There is some debate on where exactly the egg should be tapped. Most folks like to tap the egg against an edge, like the side of a mixing bowl, but some argue you should only tap the egg against a flat surface, like a kitchen counter or cutting board. Whatever you choose, just be sure to only dent the shell lightly instead of giving it a career-ending stab wound. Pushing too hard will result in a
Slime Explosion
, which isn't good unless you want to be called
Salmonella Hands
for the rest of your life.
There is some debate on where exactly the egg should be tapped. Most folks like to tap the egg against an edge, like the side of a mixing bowl, but some argue you should only tap the egg against a flat surface, like a kitchen counter or cutting board. Whatever you choose, just be sure to only dent the shell lightly instead of giving it a career-ending stab wound. Pushing too hard will result in a
Slime Explosion
, which isn't good unless you want to be called
Salmonella Hands
for the rest of your life.
Step 2. Big Thumbs
. This is the moment of truth. Stick your two thumbs in the dent and in one swift move dig them in deep and pull them apart. If you did it right, the shell should snap easily into two beautiful pieces, dropping its slippery plunder into the bowl below. Now, some people opt for the One-Handed Move instead of ol' faithful Big Thumbs, but I say that's too risky. Besides, what are you really going to do with that free hand anyway?
. This is the moment of truth. Stick your two thumbs in the dent and in one swift move dig them in deep and pull them apart. If you did it right, the shell should snap easily into two beautiful pieces, dropping its slippery plunder into the bowl below. Now, some people opt for the One-Handed Move instead of ol' faithful Big Thumbs, but I say that's too risky. Besides, what are you really going to do with that free hand anyway?
Step 3. The Inspection.
Go ahead, give it a once-over. Grab a magnifying glass or hold it up to the light if you need to. But I'm going to guess it's looking pretty pretty, my friend because you just performed a Perfect Egg Crack.
Go ahead, give it a once-over. Grab a magnifying glass or hold it up to the light if you need to. But I'm going to guess it's looking pretty pretty, my friend because you just performed a Perfect Egg Crack.
Beat that egg, fry that egg, whip that egg into cake batter. It's time to say goodbye to Kitchen Humiliation and hello to some well-deserved Kitchen Pride.
AWESOME!
Curling up into the fetal position
Girl, you used to fit in a shoe box.
Back when you were
all nude, all the time
, you were crunched up real fine in your mom's tum. Yes, your head was bowed down, your back was bent forward, your legs were pulled to your chest, and everything was in order.
all nude, all the time
, you were crunched up real fine in your mom's tum. Yes, your head was bowed down, your back was bent forward, your legs were pulled to your chest, and everything was in order.
The fetal position is the medical term used to describe your
Totally Comfy Pre-Born Position
. You're all curled up into a comfy little ball in there and while mom may notice you rattling around a bit, you're actually pretty chilled out and relaxed.
Totally Comfy Pre-Born Position
. You're all curled up into a comfy little ball in there and while mom may notice you rattling around a bit, you're actually pretty chilled out and relaxed.
I mean, there's a reason
La-Z-Boy
doesn't make a wombsized version, and brother, it ain't because they can't. No, it's because there's just no demand. Pre-born babies are already living the life of leisure and no amount of built-in cup holders, pillowy-soft headrests, or
swing-out footrests
can improve that.
La-Z-Boy
doesn't make a wombsized version, and brother, it ain't because they can't. No, it's because there's just no demand. Pre-born babies are already living the life of leisure and no amount of built-in cup holders, pillowy-soft headrests, or
swing-out footrests
can improve that.
Now, the fetal position has many
post-pop
uses as well.
post-pop
uses as well.
First of all, some people sleep this way after they're born. They find it a safe and comfy way to ferry into
Dreamland
each evening
.
And this isn't just hearsay, people. Yes, I used to be a fetal position junkie myself as a kid, sleeping on my side like a
pajama-clad jelly roll
.
Dreamland
each evening
.
And this isn't just hearsay, people. Yes, I used to be a fetal position junkie myself as a kid, sleeping on my side like a
pajama-clad jelly roll
.
Secondly, what's up with all those
bears
? Studies suggest that playing dead in the fetal position is a good strategy to ward off further pawing from friendly grizzlies in the forest.
bears
? Studies suggest that playing dead in the fetal position is a good strategy to ward off further pawing from friendly grizzlies in the forest.
Lastly, it just feels like home. The fetal position is the best way to keep warm if you find yourself
tentless in Greenland
or crashing on a pal's basement floor without copious blanketing. It literally warms the heart (liver, lungs, and kidneys).
tentless in Greenland
or crashing on a pal's basement floor without copious blanketing. It literally warms the heart (liver, lungs, and kidneys).
And hey, isn't the fetal position just one more way to turn back the clock? After all, your body
knows
the fetal position, your body
lived
the fetal position, and so when you're trying to catch a few
z
's on the cold floor of a bear-infested forest, I think you know what to do.
knows
the fetal position, your body
lived
the fetal position, and so when you're trying to catch a few
z
's on the cold floor of a bear-infested forest, I think you know what to do.
Curl right up, baby.
For me and you.
AWESOME!
Old, classic board games
Wedged tightly into dark corners in dusty attics are piles of worn-out board games from years ago.
The corners of these old boxes are cracked and split open and the flashy prints on top long worn away, leaving only the dusty, corrugated bones behind.
Pencils with broken leads
, yellowed instructions, faded homemade scorecards, and assorted sub-ins for lost game pieces litter the box and make it look like a clattery
junk drawer
of assorted knickknacks. Take a deep breath and sniff up that musty scent that takes you way, way back.
Pencils with broken leads
, yellowed instructions, faded homemade scorecards, and assorted sub-ins for lost game pieces litter the box and make it look like a clattery
junk drawer
of assorted knickknacks. Take a deep breath and sniff up that musty scent that takes you way, way back.
For old times' sake, let's look fondly at ten of the greatest board games of all time:
10.
Mouse Trap
. This game taught us the meaning of the slow, tantric crescendo. That's because the first 99 percent of the game was a boring, play-bynumbers hopscotch. But then it got to mouse trap time, and it was
allllllll
worth it.
Mouse Trap
. This game taught us the meaning of the slow, tantric crescendo. That's because the first 99 percent of the game was a boring, play-bynumbers hopscotch. But then it got to mouse trap time, and it was
allllllll
worth it.
9.
Connect Four
. Despite the quick setup time, easy rules, and fun gameplay, Connect Four always seemed suspiciously mathy. And now, be honestâdid you ever realize your kid sister was about to deliver a four-in-a-row knockout punch and then release the trap on the bottom, spilling all the pieces on the table and denying her that big crowning moment? Hey, I'm not proud of it either.
Connect Four
. Despite the quick setup time, easy rules, and fun gameplay, Connect Four always seemed suspiciously mathy. And now, be honestâdid you ever realize your kid sister was about to deliver a four-in-a-row knockout punch and then release the trap on the bottom, spilling all the pieces on the table and denying her that big crowning moment? Hey, I'm not proud of it either.
8.
Battleship
. The best part of Battleship was those hard, plastic cases the game came in. It was like its own luggage set and it was hard not to feel important when you flipped one open and began fiddling with all the pieces inside. Kids, those are what we used to call laptops.
Battleship
. The best part of Battleship was those hard, plastic cases the game came in. It was like its own luggage set and it was hard not to feel important when you flipped one open and began fiddling with all the pieces inside. Kids, those are what we used to call laptops.
7.
Uno
. Now, Uno wasn't really a board game, but whenever it was Board Game Time there was always that one whiny kid who begged everyone to play Uno instead. But no one would. That's why it's called Uno.
Uno
. Now, Uno wasn't really a board game, but whenever it was Board Game Time there was always that one whiny kid who begged everyone to play Uno instead. But no one would. That's why it's called Uno.
6.
Risk.
Turns out you can't dominate the world in an hour. As a result, committing to a game of Risk was committing to giving up your entire evening. Games could go until three, four, five in the morning, with the first person out at 9 p.m. sitting bored on the couch flipping channels for six hours. Too bad, man. Shouldn't have challenged Siam.
Risk.
Turns out you can't dominate the world in an hour. As a result, committing to a game of Risk was committing to giving up your entire evening. Games could go until three, four, five in the morning, with the first person out at 9 p.m. sitting bored on the couch flipping channels for six hours. Too bad, man. Shouldn't have challenged Siam.
5.
Candyland.
This game required no reading, no writing, no strategy, and no decision making at all. You just flipped over a card, looked at the color, and moved your piece to that color. That's it, really. Candyland ranks high because it's a gateway game and gets people interested in the harder stuff.
Candyland.
This game required no reading, no writing, no strategy, and no decision making at all. You just flipped over a card, looked at the color, and moved your piece to that color. That's it, really. Candyland ranks high because it's a gateway game and gets people interested in the harder stuff.
4.
Trivial Pursuit.
The hardest stuff of all. I'm talking about the original, heavy-box Genus Edition here. You know you're playing that one when the questions are impossible and everybody feels like an idiot without any pie pieces. Props to the first person who proposes ditching the board and just asking questions.
Trivial Pursuit.
The hardest stuff of all. I'm talking about the original, heavy-box Genus Edition here. You know you're playing that one when the questions are impossible and everybody feels like an idiot without any pie pieces. Props to the first person who proposes ditching the board and just asking questions.
3.
The Game of Life
. If you can believe it, Milton Bradley himself created The Game of Life way back in 1860. Now, the game is more than a little preachyâI mean, if you don't go to college, have lots of kids, and drive around buying insurance and suing for damages, then you probably won't be able to end up in a beautiful white plastic mansion at the end. But there was something special about all the kids getting to act grown up for an hour.
The Game of Life
. If you can believe it, Milton Bradley himself created The Game of Life way back in 1860. Now, the game is more than a little preachyâI mean, if you don't go to college, have lots of kids, and drive around buying insurance and suing for damages, then you probably won't be able to end up in a beautiful white plastic mansion at the end. But there was something special about all the kids getting to act grown up for an hour.
2.
Clue.
This dark and bloody board game about mansion murder was always a winner with happygo-lucky kids on Saturday afternoons. Yes, Clue was a tense and quiet hour of private note taking, raised eyebrows, and suspicious glances. A nice break from running around the backyard with untied shoelaces and runny noses anyway.
Clue.
This dark and bloody board game about mansion murder was always a winner with happygo-lucky kids on Saturday afternoons. Yes, Clue was a tense and quiet hour of private note taking, raised eyebrows, and suspicious glances. A nice break from running around the backyard with untied shoelaces and runny noses anyway.
1.
Monopoly.
After everyone is through fighting over the Free Parking rules and who gets the best token, this game was usually all about the lateinning
game-changing trade
. It's the three-way deal that gives the richest player all the railroads to seal everybody's fate or the tired person who gives up at midnight and just trades away Boardwalk to meet the rent on Kentucky Ave.
Monopoly.
After everyone is through fighting over the Free Parking rules and who gets the best token, this game was usually all about the lateinning
game-changing trade
. It's the three-way deal that gives the richest player all the railroads to seal everybody's fate or the tired person who gives up at midnight and just trades away Boardwalk to meet the rent on Kentucky Ave.
Other books
51 Shades of Maggie, Liverpool Style by Leesa Harker
The Billionaire's Island Romance (The Romero Brothers, Book 3.5) by Richards, Shadonna
Mr. Murder by Dean Koontz
The White City by Elizabeth Bear
Ask Adam by Jess Dee
The Boyfriend Sessions by Belinda Williams
Women and Men by Joseph McElroy
The Orange Cat & other Cainsville tales by Kelley Armstrong
Living in a Foreign Language by Michael Tucker
Till Death Do Us Bark by McCoy, Judi
