The Book of Even More Awesome (21 page)

Glass is so solid, stoic, and sophisticated too—unlike that annoyingly pliable and chemical-leaching heathen, plastic. I mean, apparently the empty plastic cottage cheese container you reheat your leftovers in can fill your meal with a
pile of chemicals
that could mess you up. But that's not so with glass, because glass is a solid fighter and isn't going to cry and fall apart at the sight of a few measly microwaves.

So have you ever looked through a window or watched TV? Do you wear glasses, do you take pictures, do you pour
steaming fluorescent liquids
into beakers in chemistry labs? If so, have you peeked into a telescope or microscope when you were in there? If not, have you ever admired the stained glass inside a church, or enjoyed a cold brew in a beer bottle or some bubbly in a
champagne flute
? Is your house insulated with fiberglass? Do your fish swim in an aquarium? I ask you, friend: Are you sitting under a lightbulb . . . right ... now?

And if so, if any of these things, then I say smile,
flash a thumbs-up
, and give some serious props to glass—that durable, industrious, dishwasher-safe friend who's always there when we need it most.

AWESOME!

Gut busting with chicken chow mein and nursing a
fried rice hangover
, your frenzied hour of pillaging steam trays has quickly dissolved into a table full of sticky-smeared plates, bloated bellies, and quiet groaning.

Folks, if you're like me this scene is called
The End of The Buffet
, a dimly lit freeze-frame featuring you and your friends lazily sliding in chairs with slack jaws and heavy eyelids.

And it gets worse too.

The chipper waitress drops off the bill and everybody just eyes each other suspiciously. Who owes who money? Who ordered drinks and who didn't? Is anyone riding a
fat paycheck high
and feeling generous? Since
I am an extremely cheap person
, I generally choose this exact moment to skedaddle to the bathroom in the hope that everyone else will overpay and allow me to just
drop a fiver
on the stack before heading out.

Of course, it never works out that way.

Instead, I return to an untouched bill and generally get pegged as
Math Guy
, also known as
The Job Nobody Wants After Dinner
. See, my friends start chatting about what movie to see and I'm suddenly stuck with my head down, brows furrowed, figuring out tips, collecting cash, and trying to follow the paper trails.

If you're hanging out with me and my friends then Math Guy is a doubly terrible job because
we're always forty bucks short
. People shrug, eye contact is avoided, and there are some phantom wallet reaches, until we figure out that two people didn't add tax and tip and one guy still needs to get cash from the ATM.

Holler if you been there.

Math Guys and Math Girls of the world, we feel each other's pain. It's tough asking people to put more money in and sometimes we just reach into our own wallets to get the job done. Twenties are broken,
coins are counted
, and there is constant checking and rechecking that it all adds up right.

Yes, if you're picking up what I'm putting down, then you know that moment of quiet satisfaction when you finally close that
sticky, sauce-smeared billfold
over a stack of crumpled bills and sliding coins.

Because at that exact moment the shackles of Math Guy are finally busted.

And we're all free.

AWESOME!

Drive that steaming rust bucket up to the pumps and let's get down to business.

Folks, you know it and I know it: Perfect squeegee jobs are hard work. You're a pro wiper if you master these top five tricks:

Yes, when you nail the perfect squeegee job you're loving it lots. Mom fills up, dad grabs
beef jerky
, and your kid brother runs for the graffiti-covered bathroom that smells like urinal pucks. But you stumble out that van door, stretch your legs, and just casually eye that squeegee stick.

Then you look at your bug-splattered windshield, nod a little nod, and smile a little smile.

Because you know what has to be done.

And you know how to do it.

AWESOME!

Wedge those macaroni-and-cheese-covered plates, buttersmeared knives, and sticky glasses in there sideways. Stuff in the
really, really old Tupperware
and double-stacked sandwich containers and then balance a crusty casserole dish on top.

Now, if you think you're done, you're not even close.

No, now it's time for the mad dash around the house grabbing
leftover glasses
from the bathrooms and greasy popcorn bowls from the basement. Then you have to come back and rearrange the clinking, clanging mess like a complex 3D jigsaw puzzle. As you whistle the theme song to Tetris, your brain flashes back to the sixth-grade geometry class that prepared you for this day.

Don't stop until everything's jammed, rammed, and crammed.

And then stuff a few wooden spoons in the sides.

And a couple more forks.

And the can opener.

AWESOME!

Walk into a grocery store and you're surrounded by freshly misted lettuce,
bubbling lobster tanks
, and hot croissants rolling out of the oven. With your pupils dilated and mouth watering, there's nothing finer than rolling your
crookedywheel cart
by the deli counter and making some subtle eye contact with the deli man.

We both know that when you're surrounded by fresh food in all directions you suddenly start jonesing for a fix. So you press your hands on the curved glass and gaze longingly at the giant hunks of
pink and salty
goodness shining at you under the bright lights.

You know what to do: Place your order,
reach your hands out
, and get ready for those thinly shaved slices to touch your tongue and send you on a salty trip far, far away.

Also applies to sample cookies at the bakery.

AWESOME!

Because now you can take a break today.

AWESOME!

Blast off.

Getting a
six-foot liftoff
when you're two feet tall shoots you straight into the stratosphere. Suddenly you're riding
your own personal human
in a bumpy living room safari in the clouds. Your diaper-padded butt bounces safely on sturdy shoulders as you giggle and grab fistfuls of hair and glasses while gazing down at the
tiny toy-covered world
you thought you knew.

Yes, your
baby brain
zooms out and gives a sneak peek of the big world you're about to discover: riding wobbly bikes and skinning your knees at distant playgrounds, cruising around after curfew with fresh driver's licenses, and staring out tiny airplane windows at distant
crisscrossed patches
of your hometown.

Look back on those blurry shoulder rides in those
jungle backyards
and remember the rushing feeling of going way up,
staring way down
, and opening your eyes ...

AWESOME!

Mmmm, girl.

You know it and I know it: That
zip-zippery sound
of winding anything up is a slow-building crescendo of anticipation. You crank the plastic walking toy,
spin the garden hose wheel
, or twist the egg timer tightly until everything locks and loads. Don't matter whether you're reeling in a fish,
charging a manual flashlight
, or preparing a set of chattering teeth to walk across the kitchen table, it all feels great.

It's the sound of important work about to start.
It's the sound of important work about to finish.
It's the sound of progress, movement, and clicky little baby steps toward a bigger goal. Soon the fish jumps out of the water,
the flashlight lights up the campsite
, or the toy teeters across the cold basement floor.

That wind-up clicking scratches a
tiny little itch
deep in your brain and gives a smirky sense of satisfaction when you've twisted till you can't twist no more.

When you build energy up inside whatever you're winding you sure crank yourself up too.

AWESOME!

It's the grocery bag of paper towels,
the suitcase of socks
, or the moving box of mittens.

AWESOME!

This is known as
The Funrise
.

Chatty buzz fills office cubicles, laughs echo down high school halls, and the
clock ticks
a little bit faster as we all smile and get ready for a couple big days of

AWESOME!

Everybody loves cartoons.

Ain't it fun cuddling under the blanket or plopping down on the plushy seats and getting sucked into tall tales about lost clown fish, tough-talking
sharks
, or toys that come to life?

Now, after the movie starts rolling you quickly fall into the
cartoon fantasy
and there's always that moment where a new character enters the story and starts stealing the scene. And everyone recognizes the voice and everyone knows the voice, but without a visual it's tough guessing which bigname star is sweating in the studio holding crumpled sheets of paper and wearing giant
Princess Leia
headphones.

That's why it's great when the electrons suddenly go boom in someone's brain and they jump up and scream out a name. Then everyone smiles and laughs and breathes a big sigh of recognition relaxation. Oh sure, sometimes there's
online fact-checking
or the occasional
wait-till-the-credits confirmation
, but how sweet is it when someone just shouts it out and totally nails it?

Pretty sure we all know the answer to that.

AWESOME!

Hey, now instead of a
sharp, dangerous mess
on your kitchen tiles, you've got a couple bruised toes, a complete drink set, and a giant, swelling feeling of

AWESOME!

I'm no runner.

Strap a pair of flashy sneakers on me and
snap on an elastic sweatband
and I generally have no idea what to do next.

But when the bus is coming around the corner or the train is pulling into the station, watch out man, because
I am off
. Yes, no matter what I'm wearing, no matter what I'm doing, no matter who I'm talking to, if I see the faint possibility of catching that bus at the last second, then I'm gunning it.

We all know that
Just missing the bus
is something you'd find over in
The Book of Annoying
, that nonexistent netherlist that also features: Finding out your shirt is inside out partway through the day, When the public bathroom only has one slow lukewarm hand dryer, and When the cashier needs to replace the receipt tape in the middle of your transaction.

But when you run and actually catch it, that's a beautiful moment.

First off, it means you managed to wait the absolute
least amount of time possible
. You didn't check your watch four times and constantly stare up the street for the bus to appear on the horizon. No, you put your head down and bolted and ended up hanging around the curb for 0.0 seconds. Not bad!

Secondly, you score a little
Mini Workout High.
Who cares if your cheeks are glowing, your neck's glistening, and you almost twisted your ankle on the sidewalk? You don't, because you just got some cardio in. Now you can crumble into your plastic orange seat satisfied your arteries shook off some fat chunks from the plate of danishes you ate earlier.