The Book of Even More Awesome (14 page)

Don't let it happen to you!

Put your time in at the beginning, sacrifice early nibbles and take care of the corners, and set yourself up for a deliciously fresh and soft
ham-and-cheesy finale
to finish off your lunch.

AWESOME!

Sometimes sneezes hit you and hit you hard.

Unless you're rolling around in a pile of ragweed or sleeping on a pillow filled with
pepper and cat hair
, it usually starts completely out of nowhere. You feel that tickle deep in your nose. Just a tiny little quiver way, way up there, near where your eyeball connects to your brain. You squint a bit, pull your hand to your mouth, and then BOOOOM! Your eyes squeeze tightly, your face crunches together, and it screams down your face at the speed of sneeze, exploding out of your mouth in an ugly climax of wetness in all directions.

Despite the look of it, sneezing can feel pretty great. Not only does repeated sneezing give you a weird, spacey head rush, but it can also be quite refreshing. Sinuses get cleaned out, nose hairs get a windy blowdown, and you end up firing whatever was irritating you out of your nasal cavity like a cannon, sending it flying across the room in a spastic
I Must Get This Out Of Me
overreaction.

Now, although sneezes are usually a surprise, there are times when you know they're in there and you
just want them to leave
. What's worse than that frustratingly stubborn sneeze? I'm talking about the kind that pauses all conversation, leaving your friends stuck grimacing and watching you writhe in an agitated
Potentially Sneezing Soon State
, trying to force the sneeze locked in your nose in or out.

It's awkward.

That's why it feels great to let that booming sneeze out, preferably in a punctuated rat a tat tat sequence of three or more sneezes for the full effect. Tiny mousesqueak sneezes,
booming dogbark sneezes,
whatever your style, that's cool, that's cool. Pretty soon your body is buzzing, your sinuses are sparkling, and your head pipes are all vacuumed clean.

AWESOME!

Sniff up some fumes and get ready for a
brain cell party
.

Yes, those sleeping memories from long ago will wake up and
bounce and crash
around your head as you close your eyes and let that
salty sweetness
take you back to kindergarten.

Fade to black and remember slightly greasy hands with bits in the fingernails, remember mixing all the colors together until they turned
purply-brown
, remember rolling out lots of cold lopsided worms, and remember the taste-test incident that resulted in a cold and salty mouth.

Yes, that smell of Play-Doh takes us way back to the old school. If you're sniffing up what we're putting down, then you're an old fool
who's so cool
. If you wanna get back, let us show you the way.

Whoomp, there it is.

Lemme hear you say

AWESOME!

“Honey, have you seen my measuring tape?”

“I think it's in that drawer in the kitchen with the scissors, matches, bobby pins, Scotch tape, nail clippers, barbecue tongs, garlic press, extra buttons, old birthday cards,
soy sauce packets
, thick rubber bands, stack of Christmas napkins, stained take-out menus, old cell-phone chargers, instruction booklet for the VCR, some assorted nickels, an incomplete deck of cards, extra chain links for a watch, a half-finished pack of cough drops,
a Scrabble piece I found while vacuuming
, dead batteries we aren't fully sure are dead yet, a couple screws in a tiny plastic bag left over from the bookshelf, that lock with the forgotten combination, a square of carefully folded aluminum foil, an expired pack of gum, a key to our old house, a toaster warranty card, phone numbers for unknown people,
used birthday candles
, novelty bottle openers, a barbecue lighter, and that one tiny little spoon.”

“Thanks, honey.”

AWESOME!

Okay, first off, it
just feels great
. Because really, how often do you get something nice and warm smeared on the back of your neck? Speak up if you're getting this action somewhere else, because
we're all ears
. For me, it's only when I go to that old-school barbershop—the one with the red and white striped pole out in front, the old dog-eared
Sports Illustrated
s from the 1990s sitting on the table, and no formal system at all for figuring out who's next in line.

Secondly, how cool is that straight razor blade? Maybe it's a bit dangerous. Maybe it's unhygienic. But it sure is a giant blade, is what I'm saying. You have to respect a man who can wield such a mighty and
powerful weapon
. I mean, scissors I could handle. Sure, if you let me cut your daughter's hair, I'd probably give her a
messy faux-hawk
by accident, but the point is that scissors don't scare me. Now, that giant blade is another story. It would take a lot to convince me to slice that thing across a man's neck for the first time.

Finally, how close is that shave? Dude, it's like you've never had hair on your neck before. Suddenly you're transformed into a
ten-year-old boy
. And you know, you sort of felt like one anyway, because the barber is generally older than your dad and dispenses life advice pretty liberally. Either that or he talks about boxing like in the movies.

Now, the only real problem with the hot shaving cream and a straight razor on your neck is that it's pretty tough to find these days. Which is sad, since apparently straight-razor shaving has been around approximately
six thousand more years
than any of us. So I say let's bring it back, folks. Let's keep demanding that our neck beards be trimmed with the slice of a nice blade. And then maybe people at barbershop school will line up to learn
The Art of the Knife
.

AWESOME!

This champion channel flip can happen in three big ways:

People, when this happens it's a
great big rush
of excitement in the middle of your family room. You've gotta dim those lights, pop that corn, and stare deeply at the glittery gold moment before you.

AWESOME!

You cracked the case.

When you pop open that textbook,
flip open the yellow pages
, or split the spine of that novel right to the spot you're looking for, it's a beautiful moment.

Suddenly you transform into a gloomy
trench-coat-wearing detective
who solves the case just by glancing at the crime scene. Yes, the street's been taped off, someone's crying under a blanket on the curb, and the city police are filling out
witness statements
on their notepads.

That's when you peel up in a navy blue squad car, calmly light up a cigarette, and then stare at the surrounding buildings for a few minutes with cold, emotionless eyes.

Then you calmly walk back to your cruiser,
smile softly
, and roll your window down at the local police.

“Page 127,” you mutter with a half smile, before screaming away down the wet city roads.

AWESOME!

Toss it mean and catch it clean.

Drop that jaw, tilt that head, and let's get down to business:

Yes, when you catch food in your mouth, you're suddenly sitting high on top of the snack-eating universe. You've just combined equal parts laziness and
athletic ability
in a daring couch potato feat the likes of which this basement has never seen before. So when you nail it smoothly you know what to do.

Chomp it loud and chew it proud.

AWESOME!

Maybe you're running on the
treadmill
when you catch the clock tick past the middle of your
sweaty jog
. Maybe you're painting the nursery when you realize you're right in the middle of your pregnancy. Or maybe you're on a long
Sunday drive
to visit a hometown friend when you pass that rusty gas station halfway down the highway.

Yes, it sure is sweet making it halfway anywhere. It means you got started,
you gave it a shot
, and now you're doing it, baby.

When you make it halfway, take a moment to
smile and enjoy
where you're at. Because sure, there's a lot in that rearview mirror, but there's so much around the bend too.

Let's keep going.

AWESOME!

Etched and sketched into the spiderweb recesses of our brains are all kinds of coldstorage items and
garage sale knickknacks
we don't really use anymore. But once in a while it's fun to reach back, back, way back, and discover that our creaky treasure chests are holding bits of buried gold.

Realizing you still remember old phone numbers gives a great smile-and-sunshine vibe. Lips curl, eyes twinkle, and memory reels start whirring on the rusty projector as you remember
dialing those digits
, day after day, day after day, day after day. Making plans for the park,
grumbling about teachers
, whispering about cute classmates late at night, you just suddenly remember those times, those moments, and those old, old friends.