THE BONDAGE OF LOVE (37 page)

breeding, and definitely not brains, but it's there, created by money and superiority. Your mother's got it, too. But funny, I don't have the same feeling with her. The only emotion she once created in me was hate. But now we're all pals together, and, oddly, I like her and I know she likes me. And it is not with the intention of putting any lightness on this matter when I say that I could have married her and you would have been my stepdaughter.

What about that? But at the present moment I can't see the funny side of anything. I only know that you're going to step away from me in a different direction. "

He leant back in the chair now, and she was so shocked by his outburst and what had been in his mind all these years that she could find nothing to say.

Then he began talking again, quietly now.

"I've taken extra pride," he said, 'in being known as "Bailey, the big fella"

, builder and contractor, who swiped the biggest deals that this town has known in years, and who is a name to be reckoned with in the business world.

Bill Bailey, who has men toadying to him for sub-contracts. Bill Bailey, who had been invited on to the council, but was big enough to refuse. Yes, he's got a nice wife. She was a widow with three children when he took her. Then he adopted another, one of his men's hairns. Then, you could say, he

fostered a young fella from "Bog's End" , a rough piece, and look at this young fella now, going to university the morrow. Oh, he's done well, not only for himself, but for everybody connected with him, has "Big Bill Bailey"

And what do they know about "Big Bill Bailey" Bugger-all. They don't know that he has an inferiority complex, as the degrading condition is so-called.

And now his wife is determined to overwhelm him by it, and what he'll hear in the future is, "Oh, his wife's a different kettle of fish from him. Dragged by his shoelaces, he's been, but she's got degrees."

He stopped speaking. And now she saw his eyes were tightly closed and his teeth were grinding one against the other, when he said, "Why have you made me appear so small, even to myself, that I have to talk like this to you? It proves I have reached bottom in self-estimation. And what you felt like, listening to me, I don't know. But listening to myself has made me feel sick. "

She could not suppress the groan; it was riven from the depths of her.

And when the words, "Oh, I'm sorry. Bill. I'm sorry. I didn't know,"

spiralled from her throat and as she attempted to rise she was almost knocked back by the force of his body against hers. And there he was, kneeling at her side, his head on her lap and his arms about her. And she bent over him and held his head that lay against her . How long they remained in this emotional embrace, neither was aware.

But, after some time, when she said, brokenly, "It's all right, dear.

It's over. I. I won't do it," this brought his head up, and the fact that his face was wet caused an agonising pain that seemed about to put her heart into a cramp. And when he said, " Oh, no, you don't. You don't give it up.

No! You're going on with it. "

"Bill, it's all right. I..."

"It isn't all right." Now he moved his body until his elbows were resting each side of her on the arms of the chair, and he gripped her hands as he said, "Don't make me feel any worse than I am at this moment. You're going to go through with it, even if I have to apply for it for you. Sammy threw something at me before I levelled the jug at him. It was about a man

discovering a big diamond, only to

find there was a flaw in it. And it would seem that everyone in this house, with the exception of Willie has discovered a flaw in me today.

But your mother's been the kindest of them all, for all she said to me was,

"Bill, that was such a nice jug. But then, what's a jug?" Even the child became afraid of me and she took some pacifying. I think that was the last straw. "

When he drooped his head, she shook the hands within hers, saying, "Bill, look at me. Look at me! All you have said isn't news to me.

I've always known how you have felt. Yet, at the same time, I wondered how such a big creature as you are, and in my mind you're away above any man I know, or will ever know, could really hold such an idea in his head. And I'm hurt to the very soul of me by the fact that you would, even for a moment, think yourself in any way . in any way at all, inferior to me. And the

reason I wanted to take up this course wasn't only because I would have a lot of time on my hands in the future, it was because I know so little. My view of the world and everyone in it is so narrow, and I can never widen it by travel, because I don't like travelling. So I could only turn to books. But I know so little about literature, so I felt I needed a guide in that way. I wanted to have an interest as you have in your work, designing, planning, arranging, always having something to look ahead to. In that world you are looked up to, adhered to, and it brings you satisfaction, I know it does.

But I had nothing like that to look forward to, except my children

coming back from university and, in the main, talking over my head.

So, you see, dear," - she smiled wanly at him 'we all have our inferiority complexes. But, oh, my darling," she now cupped his face with her hands,

'the relief, the wonderful relief that it's over, this awful feeling between us. I could never have believed that it could happen. Yet, in a way, I know now we'll understand each other better. "

He did not reply as she leant forward and pressed his lips gently to hers.

And when she said, softly, "Let's go upstairs and see Angela," he nodded at her. Then, getting to his feet, he said, "You go along, I'll follow you.

I'm--' Then, half-shamefully, he added, " I must sluice my face. " At this he took a handkerchief from his pocket and rubbed his eyes as he muttered, "

There's a first time for everything, and I've proved it today. Yes. Yes, I've proved it today. "

"Mam. What would you think if I asked Sep to dinner on Sunday; tea would be too late, because Sammy and Katie will have to get back early in the evening and there would be no time to have a game or ..."

Fiona was busy at the kitchen table, preparing a fruit salad, and she stopped the process of peeling an orange and, looking across to where Willie was sitting, she said, "If you would like to explain who Sep is, and why you want him to dinner, and what game you want to play, then we can discuss it."

"Oh, Mam. It's Sep Gallagher, Daisy's brother. The one, you know, who works for Dad."

"Oh, Sep. And you want to ask Sep Gallagher to dinner?"

"Well, yes. You see, we never have tea before about six o'clock .."

"You've said all that. But you've never before expressed a wish to invite any of the Gallaghers to a meal, except Daisy."

"Oh! Well, I thought I might have mentioned it to you some time about Sep being an expert table- tennis player. We have a table, you know, Mam,"

- he thumbed over his shoulder 'in the recreation- room. "

"Now, now, Willie Bailey ..."

"Well, Mam, it should happen that Sep has won the competition at the club.

It's been quite a big thing. He's a wizard at it. He started at the club when he was a lad and then he dropped it when he was out of work. But since he's had the job at Dad's place, he's picked it up again. And, as he said, just out of the blue he went in for the contest, and the champions from different clubs were also competing, and one after another were eliminated, leaving only him and the American still unbeaten. And I'd better explain who the American is.

He is the son of an American who apparently came over during the last war.

Well, he talks like a Yank; at least, I suppose, as some Yanks talk. Anyway, he was a crack player and Sep beat him and won the trophy. But, as Daisy said, the others in the house just made a joke of it, even his dad, although he was laughing as he said, "What's the good of a silver cup if you only hold it for a year? Together with a free ticket to an international match of your choice, but not a penny to get you there." So, I thought, Mam, it would be nice and it would make him feel that it was an honour well, it really was, of a kind;

and of course, it would please him and Daisy, if he could have a game with Sammy, because Sammy is hot stuff at it, you know. "

Fiona looked down into her son's face. He was a nice boy, was Willie.

Thoughtful and kindly.

Impetuous, oh yes: spoke without thinking at times. But when he did think it was nearly always about other people. And here he was, suggesting

inviting another of the Gallaghers to a meal, just to make him feel good. So opposite to Mark; he was more like Sammy; they could have been brothers, those two.

Thinking of Sammy for a moment she was so glad he was going to remain in the family, because he and Katie would always remain close to her and Bill. Oh, yes, and Bill. As yet, however, she couldn't come to terms with accepting Daisy. But then, with regard to Daisy, Willie was tenacious. And it was odd, but during this last year, so Katie said, Daisy wasn't pushing him off as she had done previously. It was as if she had changed her mind about him.

But what she herself did know was that if she refused to accept Daisy, she would lose Willie.

Still, Daisy was hard to accept, because in spite of all the change in her dress, she remained herself. In fact, she seemed determined to remain

herself, and she would go out of her way to impress this attitude when she was in her company.

"All right, Mam, if you'd rather not." Willie got up from the chair and was about to walk away when she said, "Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I... I wasn't thinking about him, but about something else that's on my mind. Yes.

Yes, of course, invite him to dinner. But it'll be the ordinary Sunday do, mind. And Nell and Bert will likely be here, and the children; then there'll be Gran and Angela."

"Oh, he certainly won't mind that. He's used to

a crush. They can hardly get round their table;

they're packed like sardines. "

"Well, if he comes, that'll be a round dozen here."

"Thanks, Mam."

Suddenly he went round the table and, putting his arms about her, he kissed her. Then, holding her at arm's length, he said, "You know something?

You've looked happier these last weeks than I've seen you for a long time.

And you know something else? I've felt happier, too.

There was a period when the house turned gloomy, didn't it? But now we seem to be back like we were when Dad first came on the scene.

Remember? Won't you come home, Bill Bailey? Bill Bailey, won't you please come home? " he sang to her.

"I look back, you know, on those days, as simply marvelous. There was Mr.

Bill always creating excitement, and Sammy, whom you couldn't stand because he swore like a trooper;

but you always gave us grand teas. And exciting things used to happen,

didn't they? Like Katie being kidnapped and Dad being nearly murdered;

and Sammy's father going to jail and Dad getting him out. Then Angela

coming, and how she made us all love each other for a time. She did, an'

all, didn't she? " He nodded at her.

"Then things got serious.

Katie trying to brain Rupert and the girl, and Mr. Davey dying. Life changed from his going. I suppose we were all growing up. But it isn't life that changes, Mam, is it? It's people. Mark, Katie and I, we've changed. Even Sammy has. But he's like Daisy, in a way; he'll always be himself

underneath. People brought up as he and Daisy were are

tough in some ways. Don't you think so, Mam? They're stronger somehow.

And yet that isn't the word. "

"I think it is, dear. They're made strong by their environment.

Refinements of any kind in some odd way appear to dilute the personality. "

And she smiled now as she added, " Take me for instance.

I'm an example. "

"Oh, Mam, I could take you in any form, personality or not." Again he was hugging her; and when he went to dance her round the kitchen, she laughed and said, "Give over, you fat-head. If you want to be helpful, you'll take those dishes out of the sink and put them in the dishwasher. I'm beginning to think that your father's right about dishwashers. You've got to practically wash the stuff before you put it in. Mrs. Watson won't go near the thing since it knocked the handles off those two cups."

"She's daft. I believe in using everything. I used to loathe it when it was my turn for the washing- up. When I marry I'll have the whole house

electrified. Everything, right down to my pyjamas. I'll have them made like an electric blanket."

As Fiona laughed, she thought, when he gets married. My, my! It must be on his mind. And he's going to have everything electrified. Well, that should complete the picture, because he'll certainly be marrying a live wire if he takes Daisy. Dear, dear! She grabbed up a pear, put the knife in the top in order to peel it, but brought it down too sharply and cut her finger.

Dinner turned out to be a very jolly meal. It seemed that Sep competed with his sister to make the whole company laugh.

Fiona had been surprised by Mr. Sep Gallagher, not only by his appearance, but by his voice. He used the idiom of the Northerner, but it wasn't thick and stressed as it was generally spoken, and his inflection, too, was

somewhat modulated. You could say he had a very pleasing voice and a manner to go with it. Moreover, he had finely cut features and must be close on six feet tall. And she understood he wasn't yet twenty. He had been set to work with the plasterers. When he was told to go to the main office and ask for a chit for two buckets of lime for the plaster, at that moment he knew no better than to obey them. In fact, he had not hesitated in doing so because he knew that lime was an ingredient for plaster and they were using a lot of it. His precise orders were to go to the main office and ask for the chit, then take the buckets to the store and have them filled up. The main office was a set of huts with a large caravan just beyond them. He had sense enough not to go into the caravan, but he didn't know which of the huts would be the office. So he stopped two men and said, "I'm new here. I have a chit for some lime." He nodded down to the buckets and the men dug each other and one had said, "Oh, a chit for some lime. Which house are you doing?"