The Bear: A Novel (13 page)

I am
one. My body is wet and it is dark and I can feel my teeth are jumping in my mouth because they want to get away from the black dog. They are very scared. The rain is falling on my body and I roll and it won’t stop. I am so cold and the hole in my stomach is gone because the rain filled it up. I am empty except the space is getting so full of water that you can see right through me and a goldfish could swim anywhere in my body and not get stuck. The stumps are all around me and the fish is not here.

I think of where Momma and Daddy are. When I was with them we paddled in the canoe and I sat on top of Coleman because he takes up so much room in the canoe. Stick and Daddy were singing near the front of the canoe because Momma is the best at paddling and goes in the back with me and Coleman. The canoe rocked a little and the water was chop chop chop. I needed to get off Coleman and down in the canoe in front of Momma so weight comes off the top and doesn’t make us so tipsy. Momma put her paddle across the edges of the canoe and folded her sweatshirt for the bottom so it didn’t hurt my bum. She helped me slide off Coleman because he is so big and he has to fit sideways in between the bars to fit so it is a long way. I like the canoe with Momma because I have her all for me and no Stick close by. We were close to the island and she looked at the map and picks a place on this side because the moon is nearly full and that is when it is round with no dents. She and I talked a lot too. She said “We are four again.”

And the rain has stopped and it is so dark. It is dark inside my eyes and through my eye crack. I think I am dead so nothing matters but something is squishy on my face. I am lying on the ground and curled into a ball. I am so cold it is a freezer. There is no thunder or electric lightning anymore. It is silent like after a storm and that is more quiet than anything else. I was in between Momma and Daddy after the lightning at the first night in the tent. I wish I was there again even though I was so scared because the bang was right above our head. When Momma counted there was no more numbers between the light and the bang and that’s how we knew the storm was right there. Momma and Daddy and me lay on our backs and had the sleeping bag tucked up so much it didn’t even touch the sides of the blue tent. Stick was pushed at the other side of the tent and sleeping and that was nice for me. We stared at the ceiling of the tent and we could see the branches of the trees bobbing around. The rain sounded like it was dropping onto a raincoat and that is one of my favorite things. The drops went slower. Daddy said in a whisper voice that it was so dark the moon was still climbing up and I didn’t know where it went but it was so quiet I didn’t want to make my voice out loud. We lay there and listened to the rumbles get softer and less drops and they traveled off to across the lake and there are no other tents so to a land far away and we kept listening and I didn’t even move or wiggle and we listened until they were all gone.

Momma even fell asleep but the snoring was from Sticky not her. Daddy put his finger to his lips to tell me shh and picked me up with his muscles like I was a baby. Normally I’m not a baby anymore but I was snuggled on his shoulder and no one could see so it was nice to be the baby. Daddy put a blanket around us like Batman’s cape so I’d be warm. He walked out through the zip door. His chin and the whiskers were there and they would grow because he is on our holiday. His feet on the needles were soft and he was walking on our campsite toward the lake. He laughed a little rumble in his chest that I hear because my ear was smooshed against it and warm. He stood on the edge of the beach and I knew because I could hear the water lick at the stones and I could smell it being warm and deep too. I could hear a creaking that sounds like a sad ghost and Daddy said it was just a tree feeling old and grumpy. And he told me “Look” and I turned my head even though I like his warm chest on my cheek and looked out and there was a big moon that was hanging above the water like it might fall in but it didn’t. It just hung and looked like the glitteriest gold and it had a big long tail that is stretching across the top of the water and came to reach Daddy’s toes. He stood there and we both looked and it was like the moon was talking through the light and saying things about love.

“The tail looks like a path across the water,” he said. “We can follow it and get to the moon.”

And Daddy said he was so happy to be with us and that we were in Algonquin Park and that was a good way to be four.

I open my eye crack and roll and I am soaked and my teeth are jumpy. I see something peek up through the trees and I can see it is the moon. It is hanging and round with just one side a little bit slanted like it got a small bang too. I see it shine in my eyes and even though I am so cold it makes my bones a little more warm and my eyes are dropping again and I am too tired but I know what the moon says and so I nod a little with one cheek scraped on the ground.

“I’ll come.”

My eye
cracks see light and I open them again for the moon but this time it is light and there is smoke all around. I think it is a fire and I sit right up. My head is pounding and what happened to the moon? I look for it straight ahead. It is gone and I feel empty but then I think I know where it was. I can go there still and be close for when it comes back because it always does and I can take the path. I try to stand up and my legs are floppy and like pipe cleaners except not as fuzzy. I have to use my hands to get them in the right place to keep me up. I see my spear on the ground and I want to pick it up so I have to use my hands again to bendy my knees and get it. I try and hold the spear up but it feels too heavy and I keep looking up so that I can remember when I saw the moon and so I can walk to meet it. The spear keeps tilting to the ground and stabbing but not a lot so I let it. I take a step forward. I balance on the spear and it is like an old man and that’s what I am now because I am all alone. I take a step and I move my spear forward and that’s how my feet know how to follow. I point my spear to where the moon used to be and I hope will be again and take more steps.

Bang

I hear a loud noise. It goes again like a firecracker except that it is not a black sky to see lights and there is no party.

Bang

It is a gun. It goes again or maybe like the hunter is coming and he has a gun. The black dog may have been running from the hunter too now he is inside me. I wonder if the hunter will try and shoot me.

Bang

And I know the hunter has a gun.

Bang

This is a naughty hunter who uses his gun too much. I don’t have a gun or shoes so I feel so scared. I keep walking and I bump into a stump and that was the wrong way if the stump was there so I turn and go the other way. I want to run but my legs won’t let me run. My throat must have the blisters now too because it feels so sore I can’t swallow like normal not even for food. I put a foot down and another foot in front of that and I can’t hear the hunter at all. I wonder if there is any food left and so I hope he doesn’t eat the rest of the cookies because he is hungry after a battle with the black dog. I hope he leaves some for me even though I have no shoes. I feel sores all on my body. I don’t think Momma has enough Band-Aids so I will keep just walking without any. I have a think about the black dog and how he lives in my tummy now and he growls. That explains why it is hard to move because he is heavy so I must go slow. Once he lives in my stomach he won’t want to leave so I will need to carry him and it’s okay but heavy.

I keep walking and the black dog is with me and I guess he likes walking to the moon because he starts to feel softer. I feel something on my back and I turn and there is a little peek of light coming through the trees. The sun is reaching his arms through the trees and trying to warm everybody up. He puts a hand on my face and I turn to keep walking and he smiles on my back.

“Thank you,” I say quiet.

I feel better because I am not just one if the black dog is with me. I sit on the ground for a minute to make my head think. I put my hand on my stomach to pat the black dog and we have a little talk. The black dog is quiet and talks in a soft voice. I don’t have to have so much worry. I feel better when I sit and maybe he is helping me be okay. He says the hunters have stopped and they are not hungry anymore so no guns that we can hear. He says that I was very bad because I wanted too many Barbies. I lost Sticky. Last time I lost Stick Momma was looking in the closet and I found him. Then that made Momma remember we left Daddy. He came back. He said we were going to walk on the path to the moon. Momma said “We will be there.” She means the moon.

I need to find Stick. I will look for a long time always forever. That is first. I stand up and start walking and my body is feeling warmer and the black dog starts to purr kind of like a grrrr gaaaa but softer. Kind of like a cat but a scary growl too so I know that even though he is there he will sometimes be nice to me when I am doing what he wants and being a good girl. He purrs louder and I keep moving my feet even though it’s so hard but my spear goes forward and I keep it in my hand. The black dog is even happier and the purr is loud. I know that I need to keep walking to keep him like that. There is a snort in the purr and what if there is two black dogs? There is one in my tummy and he says he is just the one. But I still hear the other purr and I am bad so the hunter is coming to get me now? The purr sounds more like a man and I think maybe the hunter ate everything and he saw smoke coming from my head and they are going to get me and creep through the bushes on their toes so I don’t see. I stop and listen and it does sound like a big man who is making the noises and pretending to trick me so I use my hands to bend my knees more so I am ready.

And then I worry that the hunter got Stick. I need to rescue Stick from the hunter and I miss Stick so much and I wish he never went away. I want to see him so we can go and get Momma and Daddy. I love Stick and I need to save him. I feel sick because I didn’t watch and it is my fault. I will never ever not watch Stick again and I tell that to God if he helps me find him. I try to hold up my spear and my arm is floppy. I see that God is not going to help so I try asking Jesus. He is a carpenter and could make me a real sword so I ask for that and nothing. I ask again and remember please and he doesn’t say anything and all I have is me and the black dog in my belly and there is nothing else.

I know the hunter is very smart. I put my spear on my shoulder and that is better and I can stab him fast from here and get Stick from him if my arm will listen. I take a step forward so maybe they will see my bare toes. I have to push some of the bushes out of the way and I know they will see my bush pushing and maybe I will see theirs so I watch like I have eagles in my eyes but I see a bush wiggle around me. I take another step and there is a bush wiggle just ahead. It is a wiggle enough to know the hunter is hiding and has Stick trapped as his prisoner. I get the spear up and watch the wiggle and it must be the hunter is hiding down in the bottom of the bush because I can’t see him at all and he is very sneaky.

I think the hunter is too sneaky but the black dog in my belly gives a rumble and I think yes it is okay. I put my hand on the black dog one more time and I know he will help. I will stab my spear in as hard as I can and scare the hunter enough and then start a battle and the black dog will jump out to fight beside me. Or I have a worry that the black dog will jump out and get me dead and I’m not sure which one. But I have to save Stick so I need to try and not have worry. But then I start to get scared about what is going to happen and if I start to shake it will be too late. I open my mouth and then put out a big roar and I think that I should do that second and do my spear first but I can already hear the roar but it isn’t so loud. I make it louder and I lift the spear and I chuck it into the bushes as hard as I can and it goes in pretty good. It spears into a soft part of the mud and stands up and I feel a little happy because that means it stuck.

I must have got the hunter dead through the heart and he can’t move or anything. Quiet and no bushes are moving or talking. He is not around and there is only one hunter because they creep through the bushes apart from each other and I don’t hear any others. But his friends might not see because they aren’t coming to help or else this is a hunter that maybe has no friends. I stick out my foot for a step and push the bush and I see the spear is in the ground and I feel a little sad because there’s no dead hunter. The black dog does not jump out to help. I pull to get my spear back from the ground. It comes out and then I take a step and my bare foot hits something. I pull my foot back and my hair goes prickle and I feel scared and look down. I have stepped on a leg that is sticking out from the bushes. If it is a hunter’s leg then maybe but I don’t think it is because there’s no boots. I take a step back and my hair is all prickled even on my arms and I want to run but my legs won’t move fast enough. I think the black dog will jump out of me for a feast and maybe on me because he is so hungry and only likes me when I’m brave. But he doesn’t jump again and he keeps purring and doesn’t move. So I am stuck in place with a black dog and feet that are stuck in one spot and I look at the leg that is lying on the ground and it is small. I reach with my spear and I push it and the skin pushes in so much.

“Stick?”

I push again and the purring stops and there is a snort. And I hear a quiet voice. “Ow.”

“Stick?” I say again and I push the bush to the side and it is Stick lying in the dirt and I start to cry because I am so happy to see his little squishy face. He is the dirtiest baby I have ever seen but a little part of yellow is sticking out and I see the ducks on his pj top and no bottoms just his dirty dingle. I think he is dead because he doesn’t move and he is bubbled and puffy and red and doesn’t look like he did when he was alive. But then I hear another snort and he tries to open his eye up a little. I drop my spear and grab him and get his little body in my arms and it is floppy. I give him the biggest hug ever and I cry and cry. I never know how much I miss him all the times.

“Nana?”

I think he says my name but his English is more bad which means I am the only person on the whole entire earth that can understand him. It is up to me to save him because no one else can and he knows. I put his little arms around me and hold him close to my body. I look at him and he doesn’t see back and his eyelids look like a ham that Momma brings on picnics and cuts into slices with a knife. He is gucky and gross and I will love him anyway. I grab his arm and spin him over and he flops on his back and I check for blood.

“No blood,” I say.

Normally he would say there was because he wants a Band-Aid but this time he doesn’t say anything. He just lets out a little moan and a snore-purr and I think it sounds like he is breathing harder than normally. I will save him. I will bring him to Momma and Daddy at the moon.

I try and get him to stand up but he is so floppy. He is standing less than Gwen and I miss her and wish I could sniff. I get him on his feet and try to get him to hold the spear to walk. His feet are all bubbled and they are big so he can’t really step. Sometimes he would like to have bigger feet but they look like they hurt and are not comfortable slippers. I feel sad for his bigger feet like that. I will save him and the sun reaches in and tells me to try to just get to the moon and it will help in my bones and pushing my back. I try to carry him like Momma by grabbing under his arms and putting his legs on my waist. I can walk a few steps but I fall and drop him. He doesn’t cry or say he will tell Momma. He just flops on the ground. I get down and look at him and his face looks like someone put a pig mask over the top but I can still see my brother. I am his person in the world and I feel my muscles have enough sun so they get warm and strong and I am like a battery and my robot can go.

“Stick?”

He turns his head a little.

“We are going to the moon, okay?”

I see his eyes inside the pig eyes move just a little and I know that means he wants to go because he wants to see Momma and Daddy and will try as much as he can. I have to leave my spear behind and even though the black dog no longer purrs he wants to make me strong and he boils inside my body and bursts into a roar. I drag Stick by the foot to a rock and I push him up on it and he is almost sitting. I keep him there with one hand and turn so my back is facing him for a piggyback.

“Grab my shoulders,” I say and I wiggle my hips between his legs.

He doesn’t grab but his body flops forward against mine and I feel his hot cheek is between my shoulders. I grab back for a floppy arm and pull it forward over my neck and hook it like he is strangling me and normally he is not allowed but this one time he is. I get my fists under his knees and stand until I can get my hands together. I try to stand up straighter, but Stick starts to flop back. I lean over so he is lying on me and my back like a mattress but my legs are straight. I take one step and it is hard to pick up a foot and make it go forward. I close my eyes and I ask the black dog to help and I lock my knees like a robot. I start to walk.

My eyes are pointing at the ground. I have to remember to face where the moon goes. It is hard because I can barely peek up to see trees but then I see a flat part under my feet. It is a path. I glance up and see the path goes over to the trees so this must be how people get to the moon. I am glad because I can stare at the ground and keep a foot going forward and the other foot and know that I am going the right way because I can see the path. And it is hard because bushes are thwacking at me and pushing my legs. I see that they have scratched in blood to my legs and at the sides. I would like to stop and see the blood but I don’t think I’ll have enough batteries to get Stick on my back and I can’t really stop moving my feet or I will fall so I step step step.

I step forever the longest time and I try to think how far until I get to the moon. Then I know the moon isn’t up yet. I will go as far as I can until I am at the edge and need to wait for the moon and that is when I can have my muscles get less sore. I watch my one foot come to the place that I can see it with my eyes and it disappears. My other foot comes into my eyes and each time it’s like there is a new cut but I can’t feel it. My blood has run out from the cuts and now it’s just batteries in my body. Instead of bones all the batteries are what make my leg look like a shape under the bubbles and the red and the blood. More steps and the bushes go away thank goodness. I see the needles are under my feet and they don’t prickle this time. I don’t feel them. All I can feel is the hot Stick on my back and his head is turned to the side so his cheek is still squished on my back and he is purring again. I take a harder step and he snorts a little and then goes back to purring so I know the black dog wants me to do this so I’ll keep going and won’t make him mad. I feel sad that he can tell me what to do like that but not sad because he just wants to help me with Stick and so I step step step.