The Bear: A Novel (16 page)

I hear
Rose is calling me and Gwen doesn’t answer. I am put back in bed and someone lifted me here not Daddy. I pull the blanket up to my chin and even though the sun is outside. Gwen is cold. I am in my room and it is my favorite place but maybe not so much now I am older. It is light blue like the sky and because Momma said that went with a part of my eyes. I used to lie in bed and feel like I am floating in the sky. I like my room and I like my bed and I feel worried so I can’t float. I sniff Gwen. I don’t feel like I am floating anymore even though the room is blue. My head is heavy and it won’t let me go up.

I roll on my back and Gwen tucks under my chin and I can see the tree is waving its leaves at me. I say a hello but only in my head. If it’s in a dream I can’t talk out loud. In a dream my voice doesn’t really come out of your mouth. Even once Daddy said I was shouting out my dream but he said that is because I was waking up and so the dream went across from where I sleep to where I really awake. When the dream goes across I will wake up. When I yell in my sleep Daddy needs to come and climb into my bed for a snuggle. I will wake up. That’s when my voice will come out loud from my mouth.

“Anna?”

Rose says my name and she doesn’t say Gwen’s so Gwen doesn’t know that she is being called. She just stays tucked in and wants me to stay there too. I pull the blanket up and it is a bit darker except not that dark. Rose’s head comes into my room. “There you are, dear. Gave me a fright. I didn’t see you under the blanket.”

Gwen says oh.

“You’ll come down now? There’s someone…well, I made cookies.”

Gwen pokes me with a round, fuzzy hand.

“Come before the cookies all disappear down your brother’s throat.”

The blanket comes away from my head and it is daytime again. Rose has a fold on her face that goes into a smile and her hand on my forehead and feels like cool butter that comes out of the fridge.

“Come, sweet thing.” She pulls us up to sit and gives me a sugar hug. I like Rose.

Rose and I tuck Gwen into the blanket with her head on the pillow. Gwen is still cold. I hold Rose’s butter hand and my feet are on the stairs and creak creak and the smell of cookies and Stick is running around with two cookies. He wouldn’t be allowed by Momma for breakfast except Rose gave him two.

“Nana-nanananana,” he yells when he sees me and he has the cookie crazies from so much. I hear a stranger voice and I look. Sitting on the couch is the lady with the crayon smile. My stomach thinks oh no. The crayon drawing on her lips spreads out and she has her eyes on me. It means I am her person. I don’t want her back.

I want to sniff Gwen. I turn to go back upstairs to get her. Grandpa is there and takes my hand. Rose puts a cookie in my other hand and I look up at her with sad eyes like Stick does. Stick is not that smart but sometimes he has a point and she puts another cookie in my hand. I say in my voice inside my head that the second cookie is for Gwen and that I am not a piggy like Sticky. He is running around and laughing and Grandpa says for him to come. Grandpa has a ball and they go into the backyard. I watch because that’s where maybe I would like to go. Nobody asks me to be there too.

Rose puts a glass of milk on the coffee table with a coaster underneath because she says the wet rings on wood are her trouble now. She tells the crayon lady that she gets used to cleaning with kids and puts mayonnaise on the rings on the table. Then it takes the rings away and that is better. I look at the table and I see the rings that happened when Stick left his sippy cup for a really long time and Momma forgot. I want it to stay with no mayonnaise. I put my hand on the ring. The crayon lady looks at me and says “It’s okay, Anna.” Rose gives me another cookie and then she is gone and I feel bad and she left maybe because I said no mayonnaise on the table. Now it is only the crayon lady. She smells like crackers.

The crayon lady has her crayons because she always does. And a piece of paper. She puts a paper in front of me and I nibble a cookie. My front teeth are like Fluffy and they chew chew fast and get a chocolate chip out. I look for another chocolate chip and there are lots because Rose puts in lots.

“Would you like to talk?”

I nibble nibble.

“Would you like to draw?”

I look at the crayon lady and her lips are so red and I see the red in her crayon box is used a lot. I put my shoulders up and she puts a crayon in my hand. It is blue so she thinks I am a boy. She doesn’t know. I put it down and look for a better one.

“I had a nice talk with your brother.”

I look up at the crayon lady and wonder if she gave him a Popsicle to get him to talk. I know Stick doesn’t speak that many words. One of his tricks is sad eyes and maybe a giggle and he gets treats. I look at the table and I see that there is yogurt in a bowl and all messy so the crayon lady got him to talk because he sits in one place for long enough to get food in his mouth only. The yogurt is blue so blueberry. A spoon is sitting in the bowl. The wrong end sticks out and yogurt is finger-painted on the spoon hand. That means Stick’s sticky hands.

“He told me your father is at work.”

I stare at the spoon and I can hear Stick saying “werk.” I knew that he needs something to eat yogurt with. I speak Sticky’s language and the crayon lady doesn’t. I smile a little and Stick is funny.

“Do you know where your father has gone?”

I look at the crayon lady and I don’t know what the answer is that will make her know she can go away. I think manners so I just smile a little. I don’t really think smile. She maybe sees that my eyes don’t think smile because she puts the crayon lips together and pushes the box toward me. I forgot that I am picking a color. I don’t know what to draw. Maybe I want yogurt but not really and I could draw our house or our family and that’s what school always wants. Something else is better and maybe a balloon. I see the red crayon and it is stubby and the paper had to be peeled back. The lady uses too much of it for her lips. Momma would say share but I don’t want the lady’s red crayon because she has touched it.

“Do you know what it means when someone dies?”

Momma likes canoes better than loud boats. She likes Algonquin Park because most people aren’t there now and it will be only our family. We will be all together because we are so big and we will fill up all the empty space. And that’s how I think of our family when I draw us for school. Daddy’s and Momma’s legs are really long and stretch up for most of the whole paper. I am long too and I have on my pink socks that can even go over my knee when I really pull. Stick is a little stumpy thing and not big except his head because it is. But the whole picture uses lots of color and is big enough to be from side to side and we make it so full.

“It is not like sleep. It means that life stops. When people die they do not come back.”

The crayon lady can hear my inside thoughts and maybe that is because I am dreaming. I wonder if she can see my brain worms and I feel mad. And there is one crayon that is brown and it still has a tip that is perfect and she hasn’t touched it. I know what crayons look like when they just come out of a box. No one really likes brown and same with me. The brown has no paper peels and I think Gwen is like that brown. She is upstairs warm and sleeping. I am happy when I think about Gwen so I take the brown.

“Do you have anything you would like to ask me, Anna?”

I left Gwen upstairs and mistake. I want to go and get her. I am stuck with the crayon lady and manners. I draw Gwen and I do sometimes when I was at school too. I miss her. Her ears are circles and except they don’t have a bottom part on the circle and I do her little round head with the black stitches that are her little bit of smile. I need the black and I make them black. I do her body and it has lighter patch of fur that is a little soft and so I make the hairs show that sometimes tickle my nose. She has stubby legs and arms and beans somewhere in her bum. I don’t put those in because they are inside her body and the stitches keep them in. I can’t see them but I can feel them when I squish.

“A bear?”

I draw on her fur and keep the little hairs small because they are more like a carpet than Stick’s head. So so soft. I put in the stitches that are claws. Even though the black crayon is a bit more used that is okay because I need it only for a little bit. I make the best picture of Gwen ever. I want to show it to Momma so much. My tummy feels empty because I want to get Gwen. I miss her and would like to sniff.

“That’s a good girl, Anna.”

I wonder if my drawing is so good that it sniffs and I hold it to my face and take a big sniff. And no. It smells like crayon but okay because it is so nice. It has a warmer smell like on the dock at our cottage. I feel cold. Crayons and the dock are nice. Sometimes I lie on the dock because my skin and hair is wet. The warm wood melts into my bones. I think my bones are like metal. Once the wood heats up enough it makes my bones warm. My bones push the hot around to everywhere in my body. A towel comes over me and I keep my eyes shut really tight and only look at the orange inside my eyes. It is orange and the sun made a dot that looked more like the moon and if I squished it goes brighter red. When I open the sun smiles right inside my eyes and I have to squint and whisper thank you because it keeps heating me. I want Momma.

“We’ll make our peace with that bear.”

I need a fire inside my bones.

The doorbell
rings and Rose goes to the door again. I think something in a pretty dish that smells like cheese and bread will come inside. Or maybe it is lucky and a chocolate cake. Grandpa points his eyes at me and I know but I am stuck and have to say hello. I sit on the stair. I look at Grandpa and the door opens more and Rose steps away and points her eyes at me. It is a parent in the door.

Grandpa says ahem. “Anna, say hello to Mr.…”

I smile a little at the parent because manners but I am used to seeing him. It is Steven and Grandpa doesn’t know because Momma does playdates. I hear Steven’s feet step forward.

I don’t feel like saying hello to Steven and so he says that is okay sometimes. I look at his feet and then I see a small black shiny foot. A girl steps out for a second. I watch the pink shine float around her legs like it is barely touching. It is Jessica. Her bangs are extra straight and round. I think the big brush that has pig wires might be stuck in the front of her head because they are so bouncy and smooth. Only just the bangs are like that. She has a pink dress with a skirt that stands out. It is shiny and at the bottom there is a crinkly bit. That means it stands out all by itself with no wind blowing.

I hear Jessica say my name and I don’t say anything. The shiny pink and then socks that turn over like white Kleenexes. A hand goes down on her back and she pushes forward from the leg and looks shy like it is picture day. Except I don’t think yes because that is at school and she is at my house. She has hands behind her back and looks at the ground. Pink cheeks and a hand does a tap tap and she says “Hi, Anna” and looks at Steven.

I stay sitting on the stairs. My hand is on my bangs. They don’t hang down or go smooth. I think that I was in the canoe and I had wet bangs. A bear walked on the beach and his nose was in the air. He was sniffing up with his nose and scared off Snoopy and even the black dog. There was no brush or a hair dryer to push hot hair and even no plug. Jessica doesn’t know. Momma only has a comb and I said it’s a brush and it is round. Momma has one that is more like a square. She tries and my bangs go straight and not round. Not smooth but little parts that fly up. And I say that it’s too fluffy. I don’t want to look like Fluffy because that is a hamster. Not like a real lady. I stand up and stamp my foot on the stairs. They go creak creak. I feel so mad and twist my hands in my pj’s and they are still on my body. No dress. And my pj top even has little teddies like a baby and there are cookie crumbs. Momma doesn’t do it right. I hate Momma! I scream and it turns into a cry. Jessica walks backwards. Steven puts his head down. Rose is on the stairs and I see Grandpa waving his hand. Stick has a truck in his hand. I cry and cry and I hate them. And Rose has her sugar arms on me and rocks and says “There, there, baby.” She asks me what is wrong and my inside head voice can’t say. I am not a baby. I cry and I cry so hard. I feel tired and sniff. My lake is empty. And there is nothing else to cry.

But then Rose has a Popsicle not broken in half. It is pink. I get it all. And I get shooed out to the backyard and still in my pj’s but I don’t care until I eat the Popsicle. I see my tree and Jessica and Stick are playing with the sand. They always do when we have playdates with Steven at our house. Momma said Jessica is like Stick’s babysitter even though she is too young. Momma said it keeps Stick from crying. Jessica fills up a bucket and she pats the sand on the top with a shovel. She turns the bucket over very fast. There is a castle except flat on the top no point or princess in the top tower. Stick brings his fists down and smashes. He laughs and laughs until he rolls on his bum. He thinks it is so funny. Jessica isn’t mad. She smiles and she laughs at Stick like he is funny. She starts digging the shovel in to the sand to fill up the bucket again.

I don’t want to play that game. The sun is on the grass and it is melting my Popsicle. The sun has an invisible tongue that likes to lick my Popsicle. It licks the good part when it gets runny on the side. I walk to the back of the grass and my Popsicle drips a bit on the ground. My tree wants a drip so I walk over and lean the stick at the bottom and drip drip drip. It gets three drips and then the rest for me.

“Oh, Anna, is that you?”

The fence is talking. I didn’t know it knows my name. That is kind of funny so I laugh and then a head comes over the top. It is white and has curls that sometimes hold pins in them. It is Mrs. Buchanan and her jeans are rolled up to show ankles. “I heard you were back, but I haven’t wanted to bother you. All those newspapermen after you?”

And I look behind me and there are no newspapers. Maybe she puts them down for Snoopy. When he was a baby she said to stop his poop on the carpet. I don’t know why there are newspapers and Mrs. Buchanan keeps talking about them and like they are in our house. And then my heart goes whoa and I put my hand on the spot. Mrs. Buchanan knows. She can see that I am different because the black dog is inside.

I see the back gate open. Stick looks up with a funny face. Jessica pulls him back to pay all his attention to her. Stick peeks at the gate and sees Mrs. Buchanan is there and Sticky starts to cry. Jessica makes a cooing over him and stands him on his legs. She brushes the sand from his bum. She takes his hand and tells him to go inside and now he is her best friend. Not me.

“I’ll let Snoopy in,” says Mrs. Buchanan. “He wants to see you.”

Snoopy runs at me and he comes up fast and stops just before me and doesn’t push. I feel a big smile because I love Snoopy. We love each other so much. Snoopy rubs on me and gives me a big kiss on the lips. His tongue goes up my nose and I laugh. He is licking my Popsicle and I say “Hey” and pull it away. He stops licking but stares at it with both eyes and hangs his tongue out really long. He keeps staring and tail wagging because he really really wants it so much. I take more licks and I am glad that Snoopy is with me. I give him more licks of my Popsicle and even break off a part. I pinch it between two fingers. He takes it from my fingers and I feel his teeth are gentle on my fingers. They touch but they don’t bite or scrape or smell bad. I know that is not what I saw. I ask him with my eyes if he saw Coleman when I was inside. He says no and wag wag wag. I say I knew it wasn’t you.

Snoopy licks my face. I pat his black hair and I point to my chest and show him why we are best friends. I was away and a black dog jumped in me. He wags and I say that’s why Mrs. Buchanan will give us both newspapers. Now we are the same. We rub on each other and I wag too. And we touch our noses and I feel so happy. We are the same now and can be in the yard and play and I get a ball and we run and run. And then I am tired and so is Snoopy. We lie down under the tree. I put my head on Snoopy’s belly and look up at the branches that wave in the sky.

I open my eyes in a second but it must be later and Snoopy is not under my head. I wipe my eye and think I have a paw but no. I have a hand like a girl. Except that if I could see inside with X-ray eyes I know that I am different from everybody. Grandpa’s knees are standing in front of my eyes. I hear him saying did I fall asleep? I don’t know and he sits on the ground beside me and puts his back on the tree. He moves my head onto his leg and I look up and so I see up his nose and hairs. I watch his face crumple up a bit like a sponge when it is dry and crinkles and should have more water. Except if you put water on it it would get soft and spongier and Grandpa’s face isn’t. I wonder if his face will crack and I get a little worry. Then I think that sponges don’t break so it will be okay. Grandpa is talking in a sad voice and how dreams come in the day but I don’t know all the words. He puts his hand on my back and hangs his head down too like Snoopy when a dog is bad.