The Bear: A Novel (8 page)

And then I am getting more tired of watching Stick because he tries to put sand in his mouth like it is lunch. I tell him no and I don’t know what we should do even more and why Momma and Daddy are taking too long. We work on training Stick’s inside dog like we practice all summer. I say sit and he sits. I say paw and he gives me a paw and does a really good job because he puts his tongue outside of his mouth and lets it hang down and even a little bit of spit drips from his tongue. I need a leash and a piece of grass is long enough but it is hard to tie around the dog’s neck and my fingers won’t. Stick won’t stay still for long enough.

“Sit, Stick!”

He gets up and runs with his fat legs away.

“No.” I need to punish him. I catch him and push hard. He falls back into the sand and his mouth is like an O.

I say “No! Bad dog.”

Sticky cries for a minute again but then I don’t care because maybe he is so bad and he makes all the bad things happen not me. When I don’t care if he cries Stick usually stops so he stops. He goes onto all fours and squeals and hangs his head.

“Okay, doggie. Bad doggie,” I say. I decide that Stick can be a good dog if he does tricks. I tell him this very loud and slow so he can understand. He sits and I bury his legs but he wiggles so I can’t get everything covered at once. He stands up and shakes off the sand and starts to pee. I watch the pee go over and into the lake in a part circle like a rainbow.

I put my hand on my head and shake it around and dust comes out. I am very dusty everywhere and some of the dust is in my eyes. Stick dusts his hair too and it goes in his eyes and he squeezes them shut and can’t see. He is stuck with his eyes shut so I have to dust the dust from his dusty eyes. But my hand has dust. My feet that are in the water aren’t dusty and that’s why I have to wash my hands after the bathroom so I try and get him to stick his face in the water and wash his hands. He does only a little so I start to splash him and it’s funny because he is running around and screaming.

“No splash, Nana.” He shakes a finger at me like a teacher and runs out of the water.

I follow him out because some of the dust is gone. Stick’s hair looks gray like an old man. His body is streaked with dust and some mud and it makes him look like a zebra and he likes that because he has a book with a zebra. He neighs because he thinks it is actually a horse with stripes and maybe it is I don’t know. He goes up to neigh and eat some grass. I don’t care where he goes because I am tired of watching. I am too hot.

I am
getting mad at Momma because it is too long. I don’t know why it is so long and she said “I will be there.” And then this is where we are. When I get lost I am supposed to go to the meeting place that is at the front of the grocery store but there are no cash registers with many buttons or rubber belts that slide groceries here. I have worry that I am in the wrong place and maybe Momma is waiting and getting mad.

The sun is following me. I walk along the water a little and it comes right by my shoulder. I turn and walk the other way because maybe Momma is here and I don’t see her. The sun is shining too much in my eyes and it walks with me. It is like a balloon that is tied onto my wrist with a string in a double knot. I don’t want the balloon but there is no string so I can’t let it go. It follows me no matter what I do. I walk faster and I jog and then I run and my feet go smack smack smack in the shallow water and then I stop. Sometimes I do that and Jessica will keep running right past me for tag. When I look up the sun knows that I stop and it stops too. The sun is sneakier than Jessica.

I stand for a minute and I look over and there is Gwen! She is waiting for me on a rock. I reach her and sniff and she is a little bit crunchy like cereal got on her sleeves but I love her so much. Sniffs and hugs for Gwen and we cuddle. She gets some dust on her fur but she doesn’t mind and it’s so good to see her. There are also my pj’s and I think that they might feel good because it’s like going to bed. That’s what Momma said to be in a safe place and wait for her and my bed is the safest place so I’ll get ready. Except we are camping so maybe my safe place is the tent or maybe the cottage or Toronto. I don’t know which bed. I pick up my pj bottoms and they are a little bit almost stuck to the rock and straight and not bendy soft. The ducks have wrinkles. I hold them out to stick a foot in and they get more bendy when I wiggle them so I crunch them into a ball and they are better. I put them on and the dust is itchy but it is okay. I have to pee and I pull them down again and nearly pee in them but I don’t because I bend my knees and pee in the sand just in time. I put the top on too and my skin feels a little bit sore in the dust. I sniff Gwen and look and there is Stick’s pj top too. I pick it up and something is missing. I look at my legs and Stick’s pants aren’t here. I put them on the rock but I think Stick must have put them on already even though I didn’t know he could do it.

“Sticky?”

I stand up on the rock and look around. I don’t see Sticky. I hold Gwen up so she can look but she doesn’t see either. I have so much worry and my stomach goes boing. I am supposed to watch Stick. But I am not a babysitter and even when I’m not watching Stick Momma felt bad for leaving too long. Jessica and I had the castle and Ken was the bad guy trying to steal Fairy Barbie’s wand and the Barbies won against him. Jessica said I was Ken the first time and so I was. And then another stealing was about to happen and she said I had to be Ken again. I said no. And Jessica said they are her Barbies so she gets to say. She said bring my own Barbies and I don’t have any. Even though Momma said I could play as long as I want I was so so mad. I stomped my leg at Jessica and I went out of her room and she shut the door behind me so I was out of Barbie land then it was only Jessica’s house and me.

Jessica’s house is big because her mom is important and there are many rooms and I couldn’t remember which. I only see Jessica’s mom sometimes at the play school when we sang a song. She had black hair that had very many shines and she nodded her hair when she listened to the song and the light went twinkle. My momma’s hair doesn’t have as many shines and she says that is because it was yellow like Stick’s and now it comes out of a bottle. I looked in Momma’s room and I never see a bottle that has her hair inside. I don’t know if Jessica’s mom keeps her hair in bottles and maybe she has a bottle with shines in it. I wanted shines.

I went to the room that is Jessica’s mom’s and I think so but I’m not sure. The door is closed and I didn’t know if I was bad or if the room has a bottle so I was very quiet and I sneaky turned the doorknob so I wouldn’t get caught. Shines aren’t for kids maybe or I won’t know if babysitters can have them but I am probably not allowed until I am a grown-up. There are no shines and I can’t find Momma. But then she is there anyway. She gives me a cookie and we got in the car and she says she felt bad for leaving me so long. I say give me a Barbie if you feel bad and she says no and I cry and cry so much. Daddy comes home and Momma says I didn’t get a Barbie. That means that Jessica can do whatever she wants. I have to be Ken.

And the sun is hot and I close my eyes and I don’t know where anyone in my family is and there is supposed to be four people and Gwen. My brain sees Stick’s little round face and a smile with two dots in his cheeks and he is so sneaky and then I think oh no maybe Momma and Daddy came and got Stick. He is having snack and his belly full and his head on Momma’s lap and with a cookie and I don’t have it and I feel mad. I got my pj’s on all by myself and had to watch Stick forever. He gets lunch and a cuddle and that is not fair. Stick didn’t even put all his pj’s on his body and he doesn’t get my cookie. Gwen is mad too because she knows Stick always gets the special things.

“Momma?” I call out and look.

I don’t see them on the lake so they must have got out of the canoe. I look up and down and I can’t remember the way I ran from the sun and I’m not sure which way Momma would be.

I walk along with my feet in the water and Momma said she wouldn’t leave me so long so I call out.

“Momma! Momma. I’m here. I want lunch too. Don’t forget about me.”

She doesn’t answer and neither does Daddy and no Stick so I cry and wait. They don’t come and it must be because they are so mad this time. I cry harder to show they better come soon and my tears are dropping in the water at my feet so it is getting deeper and I will drowned in the water if they don’t come and get me soon. I am crying and there is a lake in my body that all the tears come from and it is getting smaller and the lake at my feet is getting bigger at the same time so my inside lake will be dry and I will die and it will be Momma’s fault because she let me keep crying all day and it feels like a long time. I stop because I can’t make any more tears come out. I look up and down and sniff. I can’t see Momma anywhere. I wish the sun would quit following me all the time.

I sing
a song and walk and da da da down by the bay, where the watermelons grow and I wish I had a big piece of watermelon and I look and there is a lake and no watermelon. I am not supposed to touch the watermelon knife. They are mean to leave me with no lunch and I walk because I will show them and look over and Stick’s pj top is still sitting on a rock. I think maybe Stick is still getting the cookies and he didn’t get his pj’s on yet and it is really really not fair. I grab the pj top because I want to show Momma that he is so naughty and she can’t say it is just because he is a baby because he is not a baby. Babies can’t walk and he can.

Maybe I can see the picnic blanket and I put my hands on my hips with Gwen in one and the pj top in the other and I look around and in the grass is a big round head. Sticky is there and his face is back to squished tomato and crying. He can see the pj top and knows that he is caught.

“Stick,” I say.

He doesn’t answer me he is crying.

“Stick?”

“Momma,” he says.

“Where’s Momma?” I ask.

“Momma.”

And he won’t give me another answer so I walk over and then I think maybe he has an owey. He looks a little bit red but not blood red just skin red. He looks sad and he is dusty and dirty and naked and I see a pile of poo is beside him. He always always poops.

I look around and he is not with Momma or Daddy and there is no lunch. I am glad that Stick didn’t get lunch and I didn’t either but then I feel sad because I am hungry and I wish Stick wouldn’t cry.

“Hungry, Nana?” he asks.

Why does he ask me instead of Momma? I don’t know where Momma is. Momma is the lunch.

“No lunch.” I shake my head.

Stick is playing with a stick but I can’t because there is a big hole in my tummy like if I could bend down and look then I could see right through it. I put my hand there and it still feels like my tummy but inside is the hole because it is empty. And it goes grrrr and then sounds like the washing machine when it is making the soapsuds up. Stick hears my grrrr too.

“Hungry, Nana,” he says.

“I know. Me too.”

“Snock?”

I know that is Stick talk for snack. “I don’t have any.”

“Please?”

Stick looks at me with beggy eyes but that doesn’t make lunch come any more. He thinks I am his babysitter again and that my counter has bread and butter and bananas and maybe even jam. Or pancakes with lots of syrup would be best and some bacon that is soft not burned. I can smell bacon in the air and I look around because I think that someone is cooking it and not sharing and being sneaky but I don’t see anyone at all. It is empty all around us the trees on one side and the wet and mushy grass on the other.

“Hungry,” says Stick.

Momma is gone so so long. I have worry that I am in trouble because I don’t listen. I think what Momma said that she will be there. I am supposed to wait in a safe spot and I think that is my bed. Except we are not in Toronto and not at the cottage so then I sleep in the tent. I don’t know anything. I stand up and go to where the water licks the corner of my toes and look at the water. Across the lake is a land and maybe the tent is there and I can take Stick for a ride and go. I have to squint my eyes because there are jewels on the water except not really diamonds just twinkles from the sun. On the land across I see something move and it is in the bushes. It is on the other side of the water away but I can see.

I watch and I see something moving in the trees on that land. It is a black thing and my tummy knows it’s the black dog. I feel scared and glad to be on this land. The black dog is moving on the land and is sniffing. The air comes out of me in huffs. I hold my breath make it stop and I see that the black dog is nosing around and sniffing and walking to the water that is across the lake from me. I stay quiet and try not to breathe and hope Stick will stay quiet too. The black dog is nosing around like Snoopy but more like the raccoon. Snoopy would be looking for Mrs. Buchanan to get in trouble or even Momma. He wouldn’t be just nosing around like there was no trouble. The black dog is more like the raccoon and sniffs and eats something and puts his nose in the air. He sticks his nose out and sniffs for a minute and then walks slowly along the water.

I know that dogs can swim because I have seen Snoopy swim. He came up to our cottage and he was in the water and there was another summer friend dog named Fergus. He is short and fat. His hair is white and I tried to take him in for a swim and his momma said no. Fergus hates water same as Stick. Fergus fell in when he was getting out from a boat and the water was bad ever since. So Snoopy was at my cottage and jumped off the dock into the air after a ball and Fergus just got to watch and wag wag wag. I get worried that the black dog will jump into the lake and is coming for us but he stops. His toes at the water like mine. Both our toes are inside the lake and I can feel that he knows and I know it is like we are touching across the water. He keeps his nose sniffing up in the air. I can see him more now because he is out from the bushes and his fur is very black. His belly is big and his legs are short. I let go of my breath and feel phew.

He is a black dog that isn’t a swimming dog. He is more like a bear than a swimming dog, except he isn’t brown like Gwen or a real bear. If I threw a ball into the water he would not jump off a dock just wag wag wag. My family isn’t scared of bears. They come around the cottage to remind Daddy that he didn’t scrub the barbecue enough and left a piece of hot dog that was burned on there so I didn’t want to eat it and I make Daddy cut it off. Momma said that was very bad because then we get the bears used to us so we never do that anymore. If I don’t like a burned hot dog I gave it to Stick. And sometimes he won’t eat it so I peel off the skin of the hot dog because they look like a finger but really they are more like trees and you can take off the burned bark and the inside is fine. Stick will eat it. Then when Momma asks if I ate it I can say yes and get a cookie. When our family sees a bear I never saw it. Daddy is the only one who got to. We just stay away and sometimes we make noise with two pots that we bang together. Momma says to tell the bear “Yo, bear” but I never say “Yo, dog” so I don’t say anything. I listen to see if Momma is banging a pot and she isn’t. I don’t hear any pots and no one yelling. The black dog has a big nose and it just sniffs the air and I don’t have to be scared because of water. But I have to be careful of strange dogs.

I watch the black dog and I feel like it is watching me with the tip of its nose. I watch like on TV when animals are inside there. I wonder if Momma can see it or if she is still asleep or she might be gone away. I know that if there are no pots she is not near it. The black dog noses around and it grabs something in its mouth and I look and I can’t tell what it is besides long. But it waves around and on the end it’s red and it might be the meat with Daddy’s sneaker. Daddy won’t like a bear chewing his sneaker.

“Hey,” I say.

The black dog looks up for a minute and sniffs like I don’t matter. I watch and he goes back to the meat and he sits on the ground and chews his bone. I put my hands on my belly and it feels weird.

I hear Stick making noises behind me.

“I pooed,” he says and with crying eyes.

I look and he is sitting with a naked bum and there is still the pile of poo beside him and yuck. It’s like he thinks I am his momma and do poo and lunches now and I don’t like it no thanks. I don’t help him. I wrinkle my nose and lift Gwen for a sniff.

“Hi, Glen,” he says.

That is nice and I sniff her. Gwen feels like we share with her. My momma says it can be hard with only three people but Stick and Gwen and I are used to each other. I stick Gwen out to kiss Stick on the cheek because she is quite kissy and that’s what she wants to do. Stick’s tears have stopped and he even smiles and I see the two dimples that are like when a stick goes in the marshmallow and a hole is left in it.

“Sanks, Glen,” says Stick to Gwen.

“Are you okay?” I ask.

Stick stands up on his fat legs and shows me his pooey bum. Yuck.

“Bitchy,” he says.

He is itchy. He means I have to watch him more. Things like diapers mean you are a babysitter but I am not. I take a breath out my nose and it makes me sound like Momma when I do that. I do it again because when the air is coming out my nose I can’t smell the poo and that is better. I do it again and again but then my head feels like the balloon would pop so I stop. It floats back into my nose and smells like the time Daddy forgot and left the diaper in the car and we drove around with the poo by accident. Gwen says she will help me and I think I will help Stick because we are three.

I put Gwen and Stick’s pj top in one hand and take Stick’s hand like a babysitter even though I am not. We step carefully up the hill with grass to get away from his poo. We have to climb up and that is okay because sometimes Stick sits in the dirt and that will be a bit less for me to fix. We get to the top and I look and I see there is a forest here and a slide down to more grass. I tell Stick to lie down like when he gets diapers at night and I don’t have wipes or a washcloth like Momma. There is a green leaf and a few more on a plant and I take it and wipe and it smells like it tastes like a sour candy that makes my two sides of my cheeks get pulled into my mouth. There isn’t that much, so it is actually pretty easy and Gwen and I are good moms. Stick stands up and I make him put his pj top on. He wants the pants but I don’t know about those. He stamps his leg but that doesn’t make the pants come back. His little dingle just wiggles.

“Juice,” says Stick.

Me too. And Gwen. We are still always thirsty. I stand up and look down and see if we walk along the side of the trees they open up to a grassy spot and there is a little water trickling down. I say pretend it is juice and apple or orange and take Stick’s and Gwen’s hands and we walk over and there is a little pool of water like chocolate milk. I kneel down and put my lips in it and suck in like a straw except I don’t have one. I get mud in my teeth and I sit up and chew and it crunches. Stick laughs and he wants chocolate milk and puts his head down to the pool and I think about how a bad girl would smoosh his head in the water and I don’t because I am the one watching. He lifts up his face again and says he can’t get any into his mouth.

I tell Stick it’s like a straw and he has to suck in and we both make sucking noises for a minute and it is funny and then he tries to drink again and I put my knees down and this time I know it is wet ground and a little like a sponge which is funny because Stick is on the sponge except in no pj bottoms so only me is getting wet at the knees. But not that wet and Gwen is dry because I hold her up. Stick isn’t getting water through his no straw so he starts licking the water like Snoopy. That is funny too and I laugh and he laughs and then he can’t lick and laugh so he tries to smoosh his cheeks back down so he can drink. He tips forward a little and gets his face wet and might cry but I say it is funny so he laughs.

“Juice,” he says again.

I put Gwen between my legs to hold and I scoop my hand in the chocolate milk water so I am holding it. Stick puts his face in my hand and he gets drinking like that. I put two hands together and scoop and it gets more in his lips. I do it again and I look at the water and see little pieces of dirt but they look like nice dirt not bad. Stick drinks all that and so I get a bit more and this time a fish! It is small and clear and has legs sort of like a crab but sort of like a spider and maybe not a fish but something crawly. Stick puts his face in to drink it.

“No, Stick. There’s a fish.”

“Where?” He looks behind him.

“There!” I point down but my fingers can’t point because they are making the bowl that holds the fish like a fish tank.

“Where?” He looks down into the muddy water in the pool.

Finally I put my hands up near his face so his eyes can’t look anywhere else and he sees it.

“Fishie!”

He is excited too and we watch it scratch at my hands except I can’t feel it but a small tickle.

We are busy watching the fish and I see something moving out of the corner of my eye but I don’t care because the fish is trying to crawl out the side. It looks not happy to be in my hands or like it is worried and I think about squeezing my hand to crush it. I close my fingers but Stick makes me open them again because he wants to see. But I am the boss of it and the fish can’t get away and I don’t care about Stick so I smack my hands together and squish squish roar.

“Hey,” says Stick.

“I must crush you,” I say in my deepest voice and I am a pretend big man with muscles like Daddy’s. I open my hands again and look. There is no fish and the water has fallen back into the puddle and we look but no fish. It must be scared of me and it ran away. Or it fell back in the puddle or I crushed its body so we can’t see it anymore.

“Here, fishie fishie.” Stick is looking around the ground.

The corner of my eye sees something again. It is brown and over in the part where there are no trees and more grass. It has fur and it moves and that makes me turn my head. It is half in the grass and an animal. I think oh neat because I like animals and especially tigers. This is not a tiger because there are not orange and black stripes. The fur is brown and the body is big and it is like a blob sitting in the grass. I think it is cute for a second and maybe a hippo like at the zoo and then it moves a big head around to look at us and I feel a little scared. There is no fence and it is not that far away. And you have to be careful about animals I remember. Even Snoopy. They don’t speak English and can get confused like Stick except that he is human too. No fur. This animal doesn’t look mad but I don’t know if he likes us or not. He starts to move and I put a hand down to grab Gwen and sniff. The animal steps up onto a harder part in the dirt and I see it is huge and it has four legs that used to be in the water and now they aren’t.

“Look, Stick,” I whisper. “A horsie.”

Stick looks over and his mouth goes into an O and he is quiet. He turns to me and puts his pointy finger to his lips and says “Shh.” He is squatting down and has his hands on his knees. This is funny because when we are at the zoo he always shouts at the animals and Daddy says no. We are not supposed to shout or bang the glass because it gives the animals headaches and they have to put up with a lot. I watch it too and it is standing now up higher so I can see that it has legs that are really long. Now he is standing on them. It has a smooth fur that is brown and darker than Gwen. I think it is probably a horse with big lips because of the eyes at the side of its head. A horse can see backwards to run from people if it needs to. And big ears that might make it a donkey but it does not make donkey noises. It got a haircut because it has bangs that are straight across and not in his eyes. That is like how the lady cuts my bangs and sometimes I wish they could stay long but then I can’t see where I am going. The horse doesn’t make any noises. It just stands and looks at us and chews.