The Bear: A Novel (17 page)

Rose puts
macaroni and cheese in my bowl for dinner. It isn’t the right kind so I know it is still a dream day because it is white and not orange and the noodles are big and curled and I want them straight and skinny. Rose says it’s from scratch. I didn’t scratch Stick but she says yes she knows. I want macaroni and cheese like Momma’s and I tell Stick he can come to my room to play. More times I say no Stick and I put a sign on the door that says
NO NO NO STICK
. Except this time I want him to come.

I give Stick little Legos and he sits on his bum. He isn’t good at sticking them together but I make the bottom of a castle and then he can put them onto each other to make the walls. I will be in charge of the tower because I do that the best. Soon Stick wants to leave and I have the door shut. I always shut the door to keep him out and this time he is in. I show Stick how to pull down on the handle to open the door. I have a surprise when Stick is tall enough already. He pulls down on the handle and the door opens. He looks so happy and it’s a big big smile. I say good boy and I pat his inside dog and he wags his bum and shuts the door so he can open it again. I say good boy again. He shuts the door again and he opens it again. And again. I get sick of that game so I go back to play. He keeps open shut open shut all the time.

A little thump and Grandpa stands at the door. He is watching us play and a smile is on his face. That is nice and he says he has something. His hand is behind his back and I know that is good signs. Stick takes a red Lego from me and I don’t even care because of Grandpa’s back. I stand up and smile. Grandpa gives Stick a red fire engine. Stick likes it because it makes the sound ba-whoo like a real one and he ignores the red block and starts rolling the truck on my bed. He doesn’t say thank you and no one says “Stick, say thank you.” Grandpa looks at me and I look at him and he pulls a box out from his back and it is Barbie!

I open my mouth wide. I think it is probably Jessica’s when she has even more except Grandpa gives the box to me. I am not sure and he says yes and laughs and I take it and we rip it open. I worry that I am ripping Barbie’s house but she tells me that she doesn’t want a box house. She wants a real dollhouse and a tissue will be her sheet and a washcloth is the blanket and she needs a picture book with four corks that are the legs of her table to hold it up. I say okay. Barbie and I both know everything already. It is a really big plan. I squeeze her and the top of her head smells like a flip-flop.

I want to make her house. First I need to see her and she is so so pretty. Grandpa sits on the bed and laughs and looks at me. I say a thank-you with my eyes and he says yes he knows and puts his shoulders up. She has silver slippers that tie all the way up and real pearls are dangling down her forehead. Her tights are sparkling and I wish I had them for legs. Her skirt is poufy like cloud. The cloud is on her shoulders too.

“Jessica thought Swan Lake Barbie might be just the thing.” Grandpa puts his finger on a feather and I pull Barbie away because dirt. He only laughs and his hand is on his face over his eyes. Stick is looking at the Barbie and he says “Oh, wow” because even he knows this is really really super special. Barbie and I need to have a talk and we look at each other and plan about our castles.

“Glad you like it, Anna.” I see Grandpa’s knees unbend and go to the door. “I never saw why she made such a big deal over a doll.”

I show Barbie my jewelry box. It is the prettiest girl thing in my room and so it’s a really good dream day. There is a ballerina inside that pops up on a spring and twirls to pretty music. I show Barbie and lift the lid and snap it down and the music stops and I do it again and again and it is a lid and like a mouth. When we were in Coleman and the black dog bear was chewing on the sides and making splinters. Coleman’s mouth was not the same as my jewelry box but it opens and shuts the same. I click the box shut and it almost chomps my fingers. I have the smell and the red juice. The black dog is inside. He chews on my heart. I scream and I grab and he laughs. I kick and my head feels like it goes pop.

“Nana?”

I have snot and Stick is looking at me. His blue eyes are really big and his chubby cheeks are hanging on his face. I feel glad he is there. I can breathe. Then I look and he has Barbie! She is in his hand and his fingers are crushing her skirt flat. I roar and I jump and kick. He is scared and says “Waaaaah” but he won’t let go of Barbie. I tackle him. He tries to run away and crying but Barbie is getting messed up and he hits her on the bed and the pearls break and go all over the room. I will never find them again. She is broken now and ruined. I make my fist into a ball and pull it back.
Thwack
into Stick as much as I can. And
pow
and his head goes back and he falls.

Grandpa runs
in and Stick’s eye looks like it had blood on it that dripped down. Rose is gone away home at night. I am very very bad. All the love in Grandpa’s heart for me is not here anymore. He says to sit in Grandpa’s chair. I am not allowed to move away. He says he means it and I better not move ever. Stick has a Popsicle but not for his mouth for his eye. I stay in the chair for a long time. I have to pee. Mrs. Buchanan is there and she is staring at the eye. Grandpa won’t look at me. I have to stay and I wiggle. I don’t move anywhere. I feel so sick and I want to go home except I am.

I have to sit in the chair and I have to pee. No one talks to me. I don’t talk and so I just sit and sit and sit. Mrs. Buchanan goes away and I think she is giving Snoopy kisses. I can hear Grandpa is putting Stick in bed. Books and more kisses and I just sit and sit forever because that’s how bad I am. I think that my bowl for food will go in the backyard. Then I feel hot and not good and I pee a little. Just a little but then it all comes out even though I try to squeeze it shut. It is warm. All over the chair is wet. Grandpa’s chair. I don’t say and I hope no one can see. I want it to dry and it will be gone.

Grandpa comes over to the chair. He wants to take my hand but I sit on my hand. The pee is still hot and not as hot because I sat on it for a long time. My pj’s are wet. I am not a baby anymore and no diapers so I am very very bad even worse. The black dog barks in me. My face is hot too. I think it is the fire that my momma and daddy sit beside and I don’t want anyone to see. I look down but try not to look at the pee. It stinks. Grandpa sniffs.

“What happened here?”

I look my eyes to the side and put my arm up to cover my fire face. I am crying and I can’t stop. This is Grandpa’s special chair and I peed. I am bad. So now he will take it away and we will leave him too.

I feel Grandpa pull on my arm. He tugs it away from my face. I don’t want to look but I don’t need to because he puts my head on his shoulder. He pulls my body close to him and even if it whiffs of pee. He hugs me. He doesn’t talk about anything and not about the chair. He hugs me and it helps to make the black dog lie down. He tucks his nose into his tail and that feels better. Everything is quiet now.

“Let’s get you cleaned up.”

Grandpa runs the bath and checks the water. He asks me to put a foot in and tell him if it is right. No bubbles but okay. He takes off my smelly pj’s and tells me not to get worry about the chair. I get in the bath and the water is nice. He helps me lie back and he puts his hand under my head. I float and I feel so happy and it’s what Momma and I do every time. And Grandpa starts to hum and it is the song of Momma and me. I do a big smile on my face so big it almost hits my cheeks on the sides of the tub.

“You know that tune?” Grandpa says in between his hums.

I shake my head yes.

“Ah, it’s her floating song. We did this so many times.”

And he keeps the humming and sings some of the words and it sounds different because his voice is sandy and shaky. I close my eyes and I can hear Momma’s voice higher up and it sings with us like a ringing in the tub. I float and my hair spreads out like magic.

“Here I’ve been feeling sorry for what I’ve lost,” he says. “And look at all I’ve got.”

It is
nighttime again. I don’t know now if it is dreaming or asleep or when the day comes. The sheet is tucked under my chin and outside the tree is waving in the moon. The lights are on outside my door. I can hear no people in the downstairs. I did hear a rumble like Grandpa’s voice and now it is gone and so I think he is. I can’t hear Rose’s voice even though Rose says she follows the sun to our house and the sun is gone too. They are all gone so it is me and Stick. A good stranger might come to our house with more hot cheese in a bowl or cake again. I sniff and I don’t smell cake. I sit up and there are no sounds.

“Momma?”

My voice goes out of my face and back into my ears. I can hear it out loud and it sounds more like the voice of a lady and maybe because now I have a Barbie. My voice is outside of my head for the first time in a long time.

“Momma?” I call out loud. “Daddy?” And nothing. No one comes for me. I am one.

I get out of bed and it’s not so cold and I leave my pj’s on because it’s still nighttime. I walk on the carpet and the hairs tickle my feet. I see the bathroom light is on. Stick’s door is open and closer to the stairs. A truck is in his door. I push the door more and look in and always it’s Stick’s bum hanging in the air. There is no bum. Stick isn’t here and so I am alone like in the trees. Or Stick is up. Cookies! He has so many sorries because I punched his eye and is getting treats. I go quick down the stairs bounce bounce bounce and it is dark when I am on the stairs so I stop. My eyes can’t see. Momma says to wait and I do and my eyes start to see more because they need minutes when it is dark outside.

I see there is something black in the living room and I think it is the black dog sitting beside the window and waiting to have a talk but I do squinty eyes and it is Grandpa’s chair. It flew here and is staying now. And Grandpa. He is lying in the chair and mouth open with his feet on the toadstool. Daddy gets mad if I am up in the nighttime and so maybe Grandpa too. I walk super soft on the stairs and don’t make the creaky one creak. Our house is old. It is dark and smells like pipe and is different now. I am awake.

I creep on my feet away from Grandpa and his chair and I won’t want it to fly after me so shh. My bare feet smack smack smack to the kitchen. The floor is cold and my toes have to curl up to stay warm because of tiles. I see on the counter and there is the bigger square tin that Rose puts cookies inside and the lid is off! There is a cookie sitting on the counter like it is lost and no one to eat. I take a bite and check that there is no grown-up to see. There are crumbs all over and I think Stick’s bum is not waving in bed because he is so busy stealing cookies.

Stick is not beside the cookies. He is gone away because I punched him. Momma said it wasn’t my fault at the cottage and except this time I know it is. I feel crying and I want to see Stick and give his little belly a squeeze. Stick goes away because my whole family is gone. He didn’t run away because his legs are quite short and stumpy. He doesn’t run and more waddles. He waves his arms a lot and thinks he is running. I tell him he is just walking and waving his arms a lot. He says no he is running really really fast even though I know he isn’t. He is gone because I am so so bad. I am the bad guy.

I feel my leg is going shaky shaky but I know that Snoopy is my only friend in the world besides Gwen. She doesn’t talk even though I pretend that I can hear. I listen and my feet feel cold and maybe I do hear Snoopy in the backyard. I want to tell him the news that Stick left because I am so bad. I want to say hello and have a cuddle. Snoopy always wags and kisses me on the lips.

I walk on my bare feet to the back kitchen door and look outside the glass to see if Snoopy is outside. When I am inside and have to look out I need to smoosh eyes right to the glass and use my hands like cups around the sides. It is dark and my eyes have to try hard to see. I can see the gate and the tree and no Snoopy. I look through the fence and make my eyes squinty but I can’t see him through the cracks even his nose isn’t sticking in between them to sniff. The houses behind our house are big and the lights are big and in the windows. I want to know if people are inside talking. And they keep their voices soft so they don’t wake me up because they think I am asleep still and how Momma and Daddy were talking when I was in the tent and I peeked out. I think Momma’s hair was hanging down like a tail. I close my eyes and I feel like I am in the blue tent and can hear the air going in and out of my brother’s nose. I listen to the air.

I make my eyes squintier and I still hear the air going in and out. It sounds like Stick breath. The air stays in my ears so I look down. Tucked in by the door is a little yellow head. I nearly step on a leg again and I didn’t see it because of the dark. I put my head closer and it’s Stick. He is curled into a ball and sleeping by the door on the doormat. I give him a poke in his belly with my biggest toe. He keeps sleeping and his breath goes in and out and I see that he has a piece of cookie chocolate chip on the side of his mouth and that is kind of funny that he sneaks down to eat cookies. I think he probably sneaks all the time now and he is not so dumb as he used to be. I have to give him a really hard poke that is not a kick but still with my foot. His eyes go pop and are all fuzzy. He blinks and the balls of his eyes google all around his head and then he looks up.

“Nana?”

“Stick?”

“Nana.”

“What are you doing?”

His eyes blink and blink.

“Are you running away, Stick?”

He shakes his head.

“I know and you are stealing cookies.”

He looks like he thinks he is lost but it is just sleep fuzzies even though he doesn’t speak enough words to say. I can see his punched eye where he got hurt now and the eye is like the jelly part in the middle of a doughnut and darker. Yuck. And I remember me and how I did it. I feel so bad that I punched him even though I love him.

I sit down beside him on the kitchen mat by the door and it is a little warmer than the floor. I give Stick a kiss on his cheek and it is spongy and soft and maybe the closest to a cloud that I know. “I’m sorry I punched you, Stick.”

“Okey.” He sniffs.

“You opened your bedroom door all by yourself and got out?” I ask.

He wags his head yes and looks proud because that is what I taught him. It means he is big. I tell him that Grandpa might get mad if he is not in bed. Bad Stick. Stick just looks sad.

“You got cookies?”

He smiles and puts his fat fingers over his mouth to cover it. One finger feels the chocolate that got rubbed off and he picks it and puts it into his mouth. “Yum.”

“It’s time to go to bed, Stick.”

He wags his head no.

“It’s the nighttime.”

“No bed.”

“Why not?”

He looks around and I think he is going to say cookie. He doesn’t say cookie and he points at the door. I look and I speak Stick even though he doesn’t say it out loud. I know why. He is waiting.

“Daddy,” I say.

I look at the door too. It is closed. When the door is open, there is the backyard and then my tree and then the gate where Daddy comes in. He is not home from work. It stays shut and so Stick came down to see if Daddy came and fell asleep.

“It’s bedtime,” I whisper.

Stick still wags his head no. He wants to wait. I say shh so we don’t wake up Grandpa. I don’t want him mad again but I will not leave Stick alone. I cuddle in beside his little body. It is warm and I get in close. We sit beside the back door and it does not open. I can hear Stick’s breath go in and out. He always falls asleep before me. I listen to the air of his nose. I can hear my parents’ voices like at the fire but they are only in my head. Now I am awake. I know that I will wait for my parents beside Stick. And we will be waiting for a long time maybe always forever.