Authors: Rene J. Smith,Virginia Reynolds,Bruce Waldman
Tags: #Zombies
The Art of War for Zombies: Ancient Chinese Secrets of World Domination, Apocalypse Edition. (3 page)
Hold out baits to entice the Enemy. Cupcakes work well, as does bacon.
Feign disorder, and crush him. Nobody takes Zombies seriously, and for this they will pay.
If he is secure at all points, be prepared for him. Dismembered body parts can be used as weapons. Chew on this: Even your severed head can deliver a
coup de grace
!
If he is in superior strength, evade him. Given our legendary endurance, this is a no brainer. Bodies of water are to be avoided, however (see
THE BRANCHES OF LORE
).
If your opponent is hot headed and high-strung, seek to irritate him further. Note: His digestive tract will likely be unappetizing.
Pretend to be weak, that he may grow arrogant. They never learn, do they? And they say
we’re
the dumb ones.
If he is relaxing, give him no rest. If his forces are united, separate them. Divide and devour.
Attack the Human where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected. Press this advantage at every turn. Nothing unhinges a Human more than a Zombie outside an open window.
All this strategizing aside, Horde tactics are driven by one directive and one directive only:
WAR
The race is not
to the swift,
nor the battle to
the ambulatory
S
un-Tzumbie said: In the operations of war, where there are in the field a thousand swift Rams, Raptors, and PT Cruisers, as many heavy Hummers, and a hundred thousand chainsaw-carrying Humans, the expenditures for essentials—including ammunition, armor, entertainment of guests, and small items such as Yodels and beer—will reach untold amounts each day.
Such is the Humans’ cost of raising an army of willing soldiers.
Our cost: nada. The Zombie need not raise a levy, nor use sport utility vehicles. Or weapons, uniforms, or even clothing, for that matter. Clothes do not make the Zombie.
Zombies, you bring war material with you—your terrifying Virus, your vicious bite, your overpowering odor. You may forage—literally—on the Enemy. Thus the Horde should have BRRRAAAIIINNNS enough for its needs. Certainly enough to carry out the first principle of waging war: Bleed ’em dry!
Three noblemen encounter three cadavers. A popular theme of medieval art, “living meeting dead” was intended to warn the living of their coming mortality, and cause them to repent.
The Humans will become impoverished.
The proximity of a Zombie army will cause scarcity of resources, high prices, and widespread panic. The Humans’ substance will be drained away. The peasantry will be afflicted by heavy exactions. They will panic, squabble over tubular snack foods and can openers, and slow each other down. Yes, they will seem brain dead, but rest assured—there is juicy Gray Matter inside each and every one.
