The Art of War for Zombies: Ancient Chinese Secrets of World Domination, Apocalypse Edition.
Authors: Rene J. Smith,Virginia Reynolds,Bruce Waldman
Tags: #Zombies
ART OF WAR
for
ZOMBIES
Ancient Secrets of World Domination
APOCALYPSE EDITION
Sun-Tzumbie
Translated and annotated by
Madame Cadavre Exquis
Interpreted by Rene J. Smith
and Virginia Reynolds
Illustrated by Bruce Waldman
Cartography by David Lindroth
To our newest Undead recruits.
Good moaning! Today is the first day
of the rest of your afterlife.
Designed by Margaret Rubiano
Illustrations copyright © 2011 Bruce Waldman
Map copyright © 2011 David Lindroth, Inc.
Copyright © 2011
Peter Pauper Press, Inc.
202 Mamaroneck Avenue
White Plains, NY 10601
All rights reserved
ISBN 9781441307187
Printed in Hong Kong
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CONTENTS
1. Laying Plans: Dead Reckoning
Or, how zombies will win the day
The race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the ambulatory
Offensive? Moi? Nay, ’tis only a flesh wound!
In the midst of life they are in death
Heads will roll . . . and explode
You hold their fate in your gnarly, outstretched hands
Deviate and subjugate
Be tricky
Zombie all you can be
Making your way through the land of the Living
Hit the ground shambling
When they are engulfed in flames
I spy, with my single eye . . .
W
ritten by Chinese philosopher general Sun Tzu in the 6th century BC,
The Art of War
is the definitive work on military strategies. Popular today also in the fields of business, sport, law, and education, which embrace the strategy of adapting to changing conditions,
The Art of War
has been published worldwide for centuries and has sold millions of copies.
Now, for the first time adapted by Sun-Tzumbie for use by the Zombie community, subsequently translated and annotated by Madame Cadavre Exquis, and modernized by Rene J. Smith and Virginia Reynolds,
The Art of War for Zombies
is unearthed and in print. This text is essential reading for the Undead in the coming Zombie apocalypse.
S
un-Tzumbie vanished in the year 918
BA
(before apocalypse), soon after committing his famous text to paper. He is believed to be Undead and in seclusion in a remote area near the border of Tajikistan and China. Sightings have been reported in China, Uzbekistan, and as far south as Kashmir, but these cannot be corroborated. The text in this volume was recovered in the year 1871 during one of my many Asian expeditions. All porters were subsequently eaten. I translated and annotated Sun-Tzumbie’s (incomplete) manuscript with the help of Undead scholars in St. Domingue, Transylvania, and New Orleans. Any errors or omissions are mine.
Cap-Haïtien, Haiti, 1958
T
hey walk among us: The Living. And they have for centuries. They are the Human Race—our nemesis. They seek to vanquish us. But we bite back. Still, every Zombie needs support. Hence this book.
The Art of War for Zombies
will assist you, Undead Comrade, on your journey through the land of the Living. Based on the teachings of Sun-Tzumbie, with additional anecdotal material from Madame Cadavre Exquis, this book will help the Horde become organized as it reveals ancient Zombie secrets for overcoming our Living opponents.
Discover how to assess your Enemy, plan for sieges, and develop offensive strategy (an easy task for us of the decaying flesh). Understand that female Humans
will
wear high-heeled shoes during Zombie outbreaks, making them easy targets. (Why do Humans insist on thinking the Apocalypse is going to be sexy?) Laugh because a popular “Zombie survival manual” is dispensed
not
in bookstore “Self-Help” sections, but in “Humor.” BWAHAHA! (Unfortunately, it remains a bestseller.) And remember: Those who do not learn from history are condemned to repeat it. Soon every day will be the Day of the Dead. If you can’t join ’em, beat ’em—and eat ’em!
As Sun-Tzumbie says, “If you know the Enemy and know yourself (or what’s left of you), you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.”
It all starts by declaring one word:
WILL NOT BE
TELEVISED.
PLANS
DEAD RECKONING
Or, how zombies
will win the day
S
un-Tzumbie said: The art of war is of vital importance to the Horde.
War is a matter of life and death, or undeath, as we prefer. It is a road either to safety or to ruin. Hence it is a subject of inquiry which can on no account be neglected. If we are to take over the world, we must have a plan. Yes, we are Zombies. Planning is not our strong suit. However, with a little effort and a lot of BRRRAAAIIINNNS
(NOM NOM NOM),
we will prevail.
W
hile Humans will be hampered by their insistence on following their pesky laws and leaders, we are Zombies. The Horde is under no such constraint. Immoral law wins the day. We are only dismayed by danger inasmuch as we fear a crowbar to the eye socket. That is to be avoided.
