The Art of War for Zombies: Ancient Chinese Secrets of World Domination, Apocalypse Edition. (17 page)

Doomed spies

“Surviving” spies

When these five kinds of spies are all at work, none can discover the secret system. This is called “diabolical manipulation of the threads.” It is the Horde’s most precious faculty. Let’s face it: In a universe of dwindling faculties, one must grasp at every thread (or straw or loose digit).

Having
local spies
means befriending the recently reanimated of a given locale or district.

Hone-onna
(skeleton woman) decoy used by Jiang-Shi to lure Imperial warriors into the legions of the Horde

Having
inward spies
will be difficult, but not impossible. One must make use of the officials of the Enemy. Some law enforcement personnel, especially those living in remote backwaters or rural areas, may be hoodwinked into revealing volumes of information.

Having
converted spies:
Do we really need to explain this? It’s not brain surgery. OK, actually it is...of a more primitive nature.

Having
doomed spies:
Select a sufficiently putrefied specimen to infiltrate an encampment of the Living. Watch the results. While your scout may perish, the sacrifice is not without merit, as Mortals will stream in from all directions as ants from an anthill. Forget your scout. He was doomed anyway.

Finally,
“surviving” spies
(“surviving” being a relative term) are those who bring back news from the Enemy’s camp.

And none should be more liberally rewarded with choice tidbits of Gray Matter. In no other business should greater secrecy be preserved. Apocalypse Tip: Spies should be coached to use The Moan sparingly, if at all. Always select the freshest-looking of your number.

Spies cannot be usefully employed without a certain intuitive sagacity. This quality will be in short supply amongst the Undead, so choose carefully.

They cannot be properly managed without restraint and straightforwardness.

Without subtle ingenuity of mind (no one said this would be easy!), one cannot make certain of the truth of their reports. You WILL strain what is left of your brain. Count on it. All the more reason for the increasingly aggressive pursuit of fresh Gray Matter.

Be subtle! Be subtle! (Try!)
And use your spies for every kind of business.

If a secret piece of news is divulged by a spy before the time (or the spy) is ripe, he must be devoured together with the Zombie to whom the secret was told.

Whether the object be to crush a government facility, storm a theme park, or dine on a particularly troublesome individual (elected officials, religious zealots?), it is always necessary to begin by finding out the names of the attendants, the aides-de-camp, door-keepers, and sentries of the target. Who holds a secret grudge against The Dishonorable Judge Unscrupulous? Who leaves the keys to the executive washroom where anybody—with or without fingers—can pick them up with ease? Our spies must be commissioned to address these questions.

Mortal spies who come to spy on us (let them try!) must be sought out, tempted with bribes and electronic games, led away, and comfortably housed—temporarily. Fatten them up for the inevitable. Thus they will become “converted” spies and available for
our
service.

It is through the information provided by the converted spy that we are able to acquire and employ local and inward spies.

It is owing to his information, again, that we can cause the doomed spy to carry false tidings (and the Virus) to the Enemy.

Last, it is by his or her information that the surviving spy can be used on appointed occasions.

The end aim of spying in all its five varieties is knowledge of the Enemy... and that can only lead to one thing:
More BRRRAAAIIINNNS for all!

Men at some times are masters of their fates. It is up to us—the Undead, the Decaying, the Rotten, the
corps du Corpses—
to become masters of our own, and theirs also.