The Art of War for Zombies: Ancient Chinese Secrets of World Domination, Apocalypse Edition. (9 page)

However, we are not fit to conquer unless we are familiar with the face of the country—its mountains and forests, its pitfalls and precipices, its marshes and swamps. The Humans would like to see us fail in this regard. We’ll show ’em!

When entering unfamiliar terrain, immediately devour a few of the locals to recruit them over to our side. They can prove invaluable as scouts and guides.

In war, practice dissimulation, and you will succeed.
In real terms, this means Fit In. Take note of local customs. You don’t want to stick out like a sore (and gangrenous) thumb. Calling undue attention to yourself is a sure recipe for disaster.

Circumstances will dictate whether you remain concentrated in a group or fan out to infiltrate the countryside. Urban settings can be especially challenging, as Humans will seek refuge in the upper stories of buildings. See Chapter 3 for advice on smoking them out. There will be plenty of food on the ground, though. Forage as you go. This is known as
(Un-)Living off the fat of the land.
Yes, the obese can be very nourishing, if a trifle rich. Eat sparingly if you’re watching your cholesterol—and who isn’t these days?

Let your plans (plans? We have plans?) be dark and impenetrable as night (should be easy stuff here), and
when you move, fall like a thunderbolt.
Eat whatever unfortunate creature you land on.

On the field of battle, endeavor to set up a continuous Zombie Moan. The Moan has been known to drive the most hardened Human warrior over the edge of madness. It is one of the most powerful weapons in our magaZine.

The Living will try to harass you with shouts and mechanical distractions, torches, and pitchforks. Remain focused.

Disrupt Mortal communications whenever possible and by whatever means necessary. Use your old high school basketball blocking moves.

Dispatch your most putrid minions as part of your advance guard, in order to strike terror into the hearts of your opponents.

If you must strike at Humans early in the morning, try to intercept them before they’ve ingested their daily ration of caffeinated beverages.

If you are able to pique the curiosity of a Human, that is a good thing. Chances are that you can lure him to his doom. This is the art of studying moods.

The art of self-possession is the art of retaining all needed body parts.
While your continued survival may not depend on it, consider the advantages conferred, for example, by keeping your opposable thumbs attached to your hands. Without them, your dexterity is reduced to a level below that of most simians.

To be well-fed while the Enemy is famished—this is the art of husbanding one’s strength.
Regrettably, once you become the Living Dead, your marital responsibilities will evaporate and be replaced by martial responsibilities. Such is the fate of the Zombie warrior.

Do not attempt to follow your Enemy uphill. The Enemy would take advantage of our loss of coordination. It is better to entice him downhill, with shiny objects or a ringing cell phone, the sound of which Humans cannot resist.

SUCH IS THE ART OF WARFARE

Buruburu,
a spirit that causes the shivers

Be tricky

S
un-Tzumbie said:
In war, the Zombie general receives his commands from the Zombie Sovereign, collects his army, concentrates his forces, and takes up arms (and legs).

When in difficult country, do not encamp. In country where high roads intersect, join hands with allies.
Be polite to everyone, especially your fellow Undead. Do not linger in dangerously isolated positions or in open fields where you can easily be picked off. Keep on lurching. And in hemmed-in situations, you must resort to stratagem. Lunge for arms, legs, and pony tails. In desperate positions, know that you must fight. If necessary, join hands (if you still have ’em) with Vampires, Mummies, and other re-animated friends. We Undead must rely on our
esprit de corpse
, as it were.

There are Interstates which must be followed, and this may prove difficult, considering the rusting wreckage that will choke each thoroughfare.
Watch your step! And consider that if vehicles are operational, Humans will rarely brake for Zombies. There are armies and law enforcement agencies that must be attacked, but many may simply go mad, go AWOL, and become easy prey. Note that mavericks among them may be particularly irrational; they will destroy many of us with their heroics, but in the “end” will succumb themselves, most likely through carelessness.

Know this: If anyone can save Humankind, it will be the fabled Redneck. Or the Human named Chuck Norris.
Beware the Living in rural areas and especially below the Mason-Dixon line in the United States. Here, people buy guns and use them. And these weapon-toting folk are eager to fire their Glocks and Uzis at something other than small “varmints” and major appliances. Avoid becoming target practice for these, the Select Elect. Conquer them, so that the South may rise again... as Zombies!

There are towns and high rises which must be besieged. (Urban areas are a cornucopia of BRRRAAAIIINNNS for Zombies.)
There are positions which must be contested. (Who will be first in the queue to attack the Humans entrapped in the Monroeville Mall?) There are commands of sovereigns which must be obeyed, if only we could understand them. Keep in “mind,” too, places to be avoided, such as open fields. If, by some misfortune, you find yourself in such surroundings, remember the wise words of the Human leader Winston Churchill: “When you’re going through hell, keep going.” Gimp along as best you can. And if you can’t run away, at least run amok.