The Art of War for Zombies: Ancient Chinese Secrets of World Domination, Apocalypse Edition. (15 page)

S
un-Tzumbie said: There are five ways of attacking with fire.

     
The first is to burn the Enemy in its camp.

     
The second is to burn stores. (Gordo’s Gun Shop comes to mind.)

     
The third is to burn baggage trains, baggage carts, and those annoying rolling suitcases that trip Zombies up.

     
The fourth is to burn arsenals and magazines, especially periodicals devoted to the Living—
Boys’ Life, Southern Living, Long-Term Living, Mountain Living, Coastal Living, and Vermont Life.

     
The fifth is to hurl dropping fire amongst the Enemy.

Fire can be highly useful to a Zombie.
It’s true: You, in your current state, are no longer concerned with having light, warmth, cooked food, purified water, or sterilized bandages. And you’re not really worried about predatory animals. Or signaling for help. Nope. It’s the Humans who need fire for all these things. There is an old Human saying: “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.” And there is also a Zombie saying: “Where there’s fire, there’s likely BRRRAAAIIINNNS!”

You may lure Humans to you with a good old-fashioned campfire.
Making one is easy. Even a Zombie can master this basic wilderness skill. Material for building a fire should always be kept in readiness: matches, gasoline, greasy rags, dryer lint, paper (the publications mentioned earlier will do nicely), grass, bark, and resin (a.k.a. tree sap).

There is a proper season for making Zombie attacks with fire, and special days for starting a conflagration.
The proper season is when the weather is very dry, obviously; the special days are those when the moon is in the constellations of The Colander, The Wall, The Wing, or The Cross-bar, for these four are all days of rising—ahem—Wind. And if there is one thing the decomposing Zombie can do without peer, it’s raise Prodigious Wind.

In attacking with fire, the Zombie should take into account five considerations:

     
When fire breaks out inside the Enemy’s camp, respond at once with a Horde attack from without.
No one gets out alive! Except you of course. Although you are dead. In a manner of speaking. Never mind.

     
If there is an outbreak of fire, but the Enemy remains quiet, bide your time and do not attack.
The Humans may be attempting to hornswoggle you. On the other hand, they may have simply panicked and died from smoke asphyxiation, the number one cause of death from fires. Blunder in and feast on their BRRRAAAIIINNNS before they are too well done.

     
When the force of the flames has reached its height, attack, if that is practicable.
Just shamble on into the Enemy camp and make yourself at home. They’ll likely mistake you for a counselor.

     
If it is possible to make an assault with fire from without, do not wait for it to break out within.
Go ahead—set the world on fire!

     
When you start a fire, remain windward of it.
Do not attack from the leeward side, unless you wish to become Zombie Flambé.

An ill wind that rises in the daytime lasts long, but a night breeze soon falls.
Zombies prefer the longer-lasting, Virus-spreading ill wind. Speaking of wind, stay downwind of the Mortals; your aroma will betray your position. Unless, as mentioned above, you’re starting a fire.

In every Horde army, the five developments connected with fire must be known, the movements of the stars calculated, and a watch kept for the proper days.
And remember: Star sightings attract Humans in droves. Therefore, Zombie contingents in Hollywood, the Hamptons, and Cannes have built-in advantages. Many celebrities are already Zombies (though a number are vegan); this is not common knowledge among Humans. Even so, these stars attract mobs of fans and insatiable stalking paparazzombies, who seek to capture them in trophy photographs.