Tantric Sex for Men: Making Love a Meditation (6 page)

Pain that Follows Relaxed Sex

After relaxed sex, surprisingly enough, there can also be pain in the penis, the testicles, the groin area, or the lower abdomen. When the sexual atmosphere has been one of relaxation, the pains are informing us that previously held accumulated tensions are leaving the tissues. These can be called “healing pains.” If this should happen to you, accept the pain and do not be unduly concerned; the pain will pass in time. Movements such as gently shaking the body, including the pelvis, for ten minutes or more will help to disperse the emerging tensions. Often allowing simple tears of vulnerability will dissolve the pain. It is also recommended that masturbation not be used as a way to relieve the tension or pain. The body is healing and regenerating itself through the sexual relaxation. As layers of emotion and physical tensions rise to the surface and dissolve, body sensitivity and capacity for pleasure return.

Safety Concerns Regarding Nonejaculation

We have heard from a few men that they have been advised by their medical doctors to ejaculate regularly in order to “flush out the pipes,” like a bit of do-it-yourself plumbing.

Personal experience has proved that it is possible to make love frequently for years on end without the need for ejaculation. It is not as though a man swells up into a balloon that eventually pops because of his unreleased semen! There is absolutely no physical danger for a man to go without ejaculation indefinitely. Sometimes there may be spontaneous emissions during the night, but these tend to happen more and more rarely as time passes. They occur frequently during puberty and adolescence, and the reason is thought to be sexual fantasies. These emissions have nothing to do with not having had an ejaculation for a long time or the body getting rid of old sperm.

Reserve Ejaculation for Conception

A man can, if he so wishes, reserve his ejaculation for procreation alone. There is no hard-and-fast rule, but a man should know that when he and his partner want to conceive, he can consciously decide to ejaculate at the time the woman is ovulating. (The time of ovulation can be determined through a number of different methods, such as changes in body temperature and vaginal mucus.) Conscious ejaculation will make conception an equally conscious event, rather than the hit-or-miss accident it often is. When a man ejaculates he can plant his seed along with an intention or vision for a conscious conception.

Women’s Identification with Male Ejaculation

Men need to be aware that women often identify with their man’s orgasm/ejaculation. In these few moments a woman feels that the man gives himself to her, and for woman this is somehow affirming. The irony is that she actually triggers the man into postejaculation syndromes, unwittingly disempowering him (and thereby herself) as the flow of intimacy and love gets interrupted or evaporates. Sometimes these breaks in the connection seem so normal that we would not immediately associate them with sex. We think this is who we are and how we are. However, a man who practices containment of energy will begin to experience himself as a completely different person in his daily life. Men report feelings of pleasure that rise to the heart with a lightness and glowing warmth that radiates throughout the entire body and being.

A man is equally identified with the woman’s orgasm, because it confirms that he is a good lover, which supports the male ego. (However, many woman fake orgasm, so it is not necessarily reliable feedback.) The big disadvantage of making a woman come, as mentioned earlier, is that more often than not the man will ejaculate a few seconds too early due to the heightened level of excitement and tension, and so disempower himself.

BENEFITS OF COOLING DOWN

Many of the personality difficulties or relationship problems between partners disappear when there is a shift in the style of sex. An ambience of love surrounds the lovers, and radiant love shines from their eyes. Men’s faces change completely when they are making love regularly in a relaxed, non-orgasm-focused way. The transformation is remarkable, certainly more effective than any facelift. Craggy, angular, mildly discontented grooves and folds transform into a widening and fullness of the face, as an infusion of
chi
or
prana,
the life force, enters into the facial tissues, energizing and rejuvenating the skin and leaving it rosy and radiant. The body is grounded as legs penetrate the earth; the heart is open, the eyes are shining.

Redirecting the Energy

In conventional sex the energy or vitality is normally forced downward and outward. To reach orgasmic states the energy has to be allowed to rise. It needs to be encouraged inward and upward, and this happens through relaxation in sex. An inner channel opens, and energy begins rising and expanding through the core, returning to its source in the brain. The ultimate source of the sexual energy lies in the brain. Roughly at the level of third eye lie the pineal and pituitary glands, known as the “master glands” of the endocrine (hormonal) system. Crucial substances and information are released and these filter downward through the system to eventually prepare us for sex. This cycle represents the reproductive, biological phase of sex mentioned earlier. When vitality is recirculated upward through inner channels and returns to its source in the brain it represents the spiritual or generative phase of sex. The inner design enables a man to reabsorb his vital energies and be empowered by them. Through relaxation a man can reach a vibrant and peaceful state, followed by the experience of feeling energized and rejuvenated.

It is an experience beyond and higher than the conventional reproductive expression, which is more “superficial.” By allowing the life force to turn inward and upward, the man uses his intention to create the foundation for evolved experiences. He shifts from running mechanically after ejaculation to being conscious and present each moment, attentive to the subtle sensations unfolding within his body and being.

The Inner Rod of Magnetism

Perhaps you are wondering how these altered states transpire. What’s going on? Both the male and female orgasmic experience can be explained most simply by comparing the human body to a magnet. Like a magnet, the body has two opposite poles—one in the heart and one in the genitals. Usually one pole is given a plus, or positive value, and the other a minus, or negative value. Whatever symbol or words you choose to use, the body’s two equal and opposite poles create a difference in potential. This can give rise to an electromagnetic streaming in the core of the body and an amplification of the energy field surrounding the body. Tantra calls the experience of streaming in the core the awakening of the “inner rod of magnetism.” And this is the true source of the human being’s orgasmic experience. Through this miraculous inner design humans are able to experience ecstasy, alone or together.

Recent studies of chromosomes confirm the “magnetic” design of human beings. Science has proven that man is part woman, and woman is part man. Each human contains both parts, male and female. Both opposing poles are contained within each individual. We each have a male and a female pole, a heart pole and a genital pole. Each individual is, at a higher level and by design, an independent unit unto himself. Each person has the innate capacity to circulate energy and vitality within his or her self, which is ultimately the experience of “inner sex” and the most evolved form of human sexual expression.

PERSONAL SHARING

My First Full-Body Orgasm

I’m in India and it is 1993. I have been here more than a month, meditating every day, and suddenly I fall in love. It happens instantly, just by looking at her. We meet the first day of a meditative therapy that lasts three weeks, and after a couple of weeks of courting and wooing we meet at her home to make love. After long foreplay we get into the real act. Since I arrived in India I have not had any sexual contact with a woman, so even though I’m in ecstasy about making love with the woman I most desire in the whole world, I also have the classic male fear—some call it performance anxiety—that makes me think, “I hope I don’t come immediately.”

For me the first love encounter with a woman has always been like a testing ground: If the feeling is real, everything goes well and the experience is satisfactory for both partners; if it is not a real energetic feeling but the mind comes between us, then the experience is not satisfactory. On this night all best conditions are met—there is heart, our bodies like each other, and very importantly, we are both meditating regularly. I have always been a sensitive man, but tonight is pure magic. I can feel what she feels and I know exactly where, and how, and when to touch her. I really feel like I am one with her. The embrace really lasts a long time and every anxious thought is completely gone and I am totally relaxed.

The moment comes when she reaches orgasm and I, too, am captured by the escalation of pleasure that usually leads to a short, intense little squirt that we usually call “male orgasm.” But this time it’s different. In the beginning everything goes as usual, with the energy concentrating in my penis, ready to be scattered outside. This time, however, instead of going out, the energy goes up my entire body, shaking me in powerful waves. It could be described as a tremor, because the body can’t be still, and there is heat, a kind of inner tingling, waves of pleasure everywhere, and maybe women can relate to this . . . these waves are not focused on the penis but wash through my whole body, all the way to my crown. Initially the interval between these long pleasure waves is a few seconds, and then they become less frequent, with longer intervals.

I feel the energy rushing through my body, flowing from me to her, going through her body and coming back to mine through the contact between penis and vagina. I realize that if we keep a light contact with our tongues the waves pass more easily from my body to hers, creating a virtual circle that lasts long and eventually fades slowly, slowly . . . and it is beautiful to lie together, hugging, to watch the shaking of our bodies, the energy waves going up and down the spine, exchanging that state of ecstasy, indefinitely recharging each other. And when the waves calm and my ocean becomes still again I have the usual post-orgasm symptoms: my penis becomes soft again and my limbs are relaxed.

Since that first time it has happened many times, but not always. This kind of orgasm, the valley orgasm, just happens of its own accord; I can’t make it happen, I can only relax and allow it to happen. The biggest difference from a traditional orgasm is that after making love it takes less time for me to be ready again, because I’ve gained energy rather than wasting it, and the feeling of desire is untouched. After a night of these orgasms I need less sleep than usual, only a couple of hours, to be okay and get up perfectly refreshed. If I don’t ejaculate I can go on making love for hours and hours. Of course I don’t mean the boring “in and out” that we usually mean by making love. I mean following the energy, allowing the energy to guide me to move, to slow down, to stop . . . I wait, feeling what happens in my and her body, feeling the exchange of energy that goes through my penis.

The most important thing for me is to be relaxed. When I feel pleasure rising intensely, I have to remember to relax, rather than becoming tense as I normally would. It is particularly important to keep the muscles of the anus relaxed and soft, not tight and contracted. This expansion allows energy to go free, rather than being obstructed there: if the energy can’t find the space to go up, it will be forced to go down into an ejaculation.

The other important thing is meditation. I’ve noticed that this type of orgasm is more likely to happen when I’m meditating regularly.

I don’t think that technical knowledge about tantra is particularly important. That first time, in 1993, I was so completely ignorant about tantra that I was surprised and puzzled about what was happening to me, and thought I might be ill. I had to wait for years, till I met you both in 2000, to learn more about the circulation of energy in and between male and female bodies.

Tantric Inspiration

Tantra says do not try to escape; there is no escape possible. Rather, use nature itself to transcend. Don’t fight—accept nature in order to transcend it. If this communion with your beloved or your lover is prolonged with no end in mind, then you can just remain in the beginning. Excitement is energy. You can lose it; you can come to a peak. Then the energy is lost and a depression will follow, a weakness will follow. You take it as relaxation, but it is negative.

Tantra gives you a dimension of higher relaxation, which is positive. Both partners melting with each other give vital energy to each other. They become a circle, and their energy begins to move in a circle. They are giving life to each other, renewing life. No energy is lost. Rather, more energy is gained because through the contact with the opposite sex your every cell is challenged, excited.