Taking Him (Lies We Tell) (24 page)

Her heart cracked. She hated doing this to him.

“No,” she whispered. “Not until you stop running and face this.”

Chapter Thirteen

“I can’t.” The words were ripped from him like stitches from a partly healed wound. Words he hadn’t meant to say. But he was surrounded. Trapped. By Ellie’s body, her heat, her scent. Her arms around him, holding him with such gentle strength he wasn’t going to be able to escape.

Anger and pain and desire all pounded in his head. And a wild, unreasoning fear he couldn’t seem to control. Or escape from.

“Why not?” There were tears on her face, glittering there like small drops of rain. And he knew they were for him. And he hated himself so fiercely in that moment, hated himself for using her to prove a point, for causing her pain, that if he could have wished himself out of existence he would have.

“There’s no shame in it, Hunter. How could there be? You were a child.”

He turned his head into her hair, buried his face in the softness of it, held her like a drowning man holding onto a life preserver. All the anger and desperation had gone, leaving him shaking and hollow.

Ellie’s hands moved in his hair, stroking. Gentling.

“I didn’t want it,” he heard himself say. The truth he’d never said to another soul. The truth he scarcely admitted to himself. And because of her, because of Ellie, he now understood the difference. “I didn’t want her to touch me. But she wouldn’t take no for an answer. She made me hard and I thought… You were right. I thought it meant I must like it.” The breath heaved in his chest, not enough air to fill his lungs. “I did like it. It felt good. So good. She made me fall in love with her and after that I couldn’t even remember what no meant.”

Ellie’s hands had dropped, stroking down his spine. She didn’t say anything. And he waited for a flashback to hit him, a memory to come at him, either a visual of Liz in his bed or at least the physical memory of her hands on his skin. But there was nothing. Only the feel of Ellie’s fingers on him. A gentle movement up and down.

He shut his eyes, wanting to feel only her. The heat of her body clenched hard around his cock, her hands on him. He moved, rocking his hips, hearing the intake of her breath, feeling the shiver that ran through her body.

She’d always been a haven for him. A place of peace. Of happiness. And he needed that now. Needed her.

“Hunter,” she murmured as he moved. “We should—”

“Let me have this,” he whispered, cutting her off as he nuzzled against her neck. “Please, Ellie. Liz can’t touch me when I’m inside you.”

Her arms tightened and he felt her breath against his hair. Then her body melted into his and he kissed her neck, her throat, moving slowly inside her. His hands slid up the graceful column of her back, feeling her arch as he picked up the rhythm. Pleasure built, drowning out the darkness and the pain, the anger and the sickness sitting in his gut, built and built until he didn’t think he could hold on anymore. And then Ellie cried out and he felt her convulse around him, her inner muscles contracting around his cock, sending him over the edge and almost into unconsciousness.

Afterwards it took him long minutes to gather the broken pieces of himself together again, Ellie’s arms the only things holding him together.

“You were right about the tattoos,” he said at last. “I need the pain. It helps me distance what happened. Not feel it.”

“That’s what you were doing with the drawing pin too?”

God, what a pathetic piece of shit he was. “Yeah. That too.”

Her arms tightened around him but she didn’t speak.

A small silence fell. Then she said, “What did you mean? About Liz not being able to touch you.”

He didn’t want to move. Didn’t want to open his eyes. He only wanted to stay right here holding her, being held in turn. “I get…memories of her sometimes. When I’m with other people. Memories of what we did. But not when I’m inside you.”

“You didn’t do anything,” she said softly. “Remember that. It was her fault. Not yours.”

“It’s hard,” he began hesitantly, “to admit that. It makes me feel…weak.” His mouth dried but he made himself say it. “Weak and helpless.”

Ellie curled around him, holding him tighter. “I know. But you aren’t either of those things. You were young and she took advantage of that.”

His throat constricted. “I should have said no.” His voice didn’t sound like his. “I should have pushed her away.”

“But you didn’t want to hurt her, did you?”

He didn’t know what to do. She was small and delicate, shorter than he was. He could have taken that exploring hand, twisted it and broken it. But you didn’t hurt girls.

“Don’t,” he said instead. “I don’t think this is a good idea.”

“Why not? You like it. See?”

And he had liked it. And hated it. Until the two had become so mixed up he hadn’t been able to tell which was which.

“No. I didn’t.”

“And she knew that, Hunter. She totally manipulated your feelings, your protectiveness. You loved her and would have done anything for her and she knew it.”

Christ how he hated the sound of that. Hated how vulnerable it made him feel.

A small kernel of ice sat inside him. He lifted his head at last, looked into her bright silver eyes. “And have I done that with you?”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“Vin.” He didn’t add anything more. He didn’t have to. They both remembered what Vin had accused him of doing.

“No. No, of course you haven’t. I told you. Everything I did with you was because I wanted it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure.”

“And you didn’t do it because you were in love with me and would have done anything I told you to do?”

A blush crept over her cheeks, staining her skin. Coppery lashes veiled her gaze. She didn’t speak.

The kernel of ice grew barbs, like a fishhook. “Ellie?”

She was silent a moment longer. Then her lashes rose again. “Would it be so very bad if I was in love with you?”

His heart lurched. “Yes. Christ, you know it would be.”

“Why? What’s so wrong with it?”

A sensation of suffocation crept up on him. She was everywhere, around him, holding him. The scent of her flowers and musk and peace. And he couldn’t breathe. “Because I would never know if sex between us was your own choice or whether you did it because you loved me.”

She stared at him for a long moment. “Do you even understand what love is?”

Yeah, he did. Love was shame. Guilt. The dirty feeling of wanting something you knew was bad for you, was wrong. Love was longing and sick desire. And helplessness. Vulnerability. And pain. Love took away your choice and left you with nothing in its place.

“Of course I fucking do.”

“What? You mean Liz? Because that wasn’t love, Hunter. That was a lie.”

A lie. It couldn’t be a lie. It had to be true. Love was his last defense. If he hadn’t been in love with Liz, then he had no excuse for carrying on with her when part of him had wanted to run screaming in the other direction. No excuse at all.

“It wasn’t a lie.” His hands were on her hips, shoving her off him.

Ellie slid down onto the bed, her cheeks pale now, her hair a molten copper veil over her white skin, her expression one of shock. “Hunter…”

“It’s true! I was in love with her.” He couldn’t seem to shut himself up. “Why else did I continue on with it? There was no other reason. I was in love with her. I wanted to be with her. I even went to my father to tell him I wanted to be with her. But he threw me out because he thought I was a liar.”

Ellie sat there staring at him. She’d gone extremely pale. A small tear trickled down her cheek, but she made no effort to brush it away. “You’ll never love me, will you?” Her voice, small and thin, cut like glass. “No, of course you won’t. You don’t even know what it means.”

The fishhook inside him twisted again, the barbs pushing into his heart. Sinking right down into his soul. It hurt, it hurt so much because he hated to see her upset. And yet it made him so desperately angry, an anger that fizzed and burned in his veins with no direction, nowhere to go. She was right in one way. He could never love her. He could never love anyone. Not after Liz.

“Ellie,” he said desperately. “You can’t be in love with me. You can’t.”

She turned, getting off the bed. Picking up the T-shirt on the floor. “Bit late for that now, don’t you think?” Straightening, she pulled the T-shirt on.

“Where are you going?”

“Away.” She pulled her hair out from underneath the neckline of the T-shirt, letting it fall over her shoulder. “I can’t be here with you anymore.”

The spines on the fishhook sank deeper into his heart, hurting. After suffocating earlier, he now couldn’t bear for her to go. “You don’t have to.”

“Yeah, I do.” She lifted a hand, brushed futilely at the tears rolling down her face. “I love you, Hunter. I love you so much. And for years I’ve been happy just to have whatever you threw in my direction. Shit, any smile. Any touch. Any bloody attention at all.”

“Ellie—”

“No. Let me finish.” She blinked. “And you know why? Because I thought, I really believed, that if I did that, one day you’d see the light. That you’d fall in love with me as deeply as I’ve fallen in love with you. But you won’t, will you?”

His throat had closed and he couldn’t speak. But maybe that was for the best anyway since he couldn’t give her the answer she wanted. Christ, she loved him. She fucking loved him.

You knew she did. You knew it all along, you prick.

For a minute she looked at him with such hope it was as if he contained all the light in the universe.

Then she took a ragged breath. “Okay. I get it. I was right.”

“You don’t have to go,” he said thickly, forcing himself to speak. “You can stay. Stay till you have to leave for Tokyo. We can—”

“No.” Such finality in her voice. “No. Not going to.” Ellie wiped away her tears and underneath them was that strength that had always been at the heart of her. That determination that had broken him at the end. “Not going to accept crumbs from you anymore, Chase. Never again. Because I’m worth more than that. I’m worth a hell of a lot more. If you want me, you take all of me. Forever. I’m not going to accept anything less.”

She didn’t wait for him to reply. She turned and walked out of his bedroom.

“Hey? How are you doing this morning?”

Ellie cracked open an eye to see Kara looming over her. She closed the eye determinedly. “I’m sleeping, what does it look like?”

“Babe, it’s eight in the morning and I have to be at work in half an hour. You wanted me to wake you up before I left.”

Had she? Then she must have been insane. Because what she really wanted to do was sleep. Sleep for the next century. Sleep away all the agony in her heart, so that when she woke up, she wouldn’t remember any of it.

“Well, I don’t want to,” Ellie said, pulling the couch cushion over her face.

There was a silence, then Kara asked gently, “Are you going to talk about what happened last night, Ell?”

It was kind of the last thing she wanted to do. But her throat ached. Her heart ached. Everything ached. Then again, Kara hadn’t said a word when Ellie had knocked on her door after leaving Hunter’s place the night before. Just let her come in and wordlessly shoved a shot glass full of vodka at her. After getting her drunk Kara had then let her pass out on the couch and now Ellie supposed she owed her friend some kind of explanation.

“I talked to Hunter last night,” she said, her voice muffled by the cushion. “I told him I loved him.” No reason to tell Kara about Liz. About the abuse that had screwed him up so badly love wasn’t anything he’d recognise even if he did feel it. But she was pretty sure he wouldn’t feel it. She’d known as soon as he’d shoved her off his lap. As soon as she’d recognised the necessity of the last lie he’d been clinging to. That he’d loved Liz.

He’d needed that lie to make it all okay. To protect himself. And he would keep on protecting himself no matter what she said. No matter what she did. He didn’t trust her enough. And she could keep on battering herself against the walls of his denial, breaking herself down to help him. Giving everything of herself to him. All on the narrowest of hope that one day he might feel for her what she felt for him.

But that would never happen. Because if he thought what he felt for Liz was love, then there was no hope at all.

“Oh babe.” Kara’s murmur said it all. “And I take it he didn’t feel the same?”

“No,” Ellie replied, keeping the cushion over her face, closing her eyes against the tears.

“Shit, Ell. I’m so sorry. What did he say? Did he even say anything?”

Slowly Ellie let the cushion fall away, blinking in the light. “Yeah, he asked me to stay until I left for Tokyo.”

Kara’s eyes widened. “He didn’t!”

“He did.” And that’s when she’d finally found her rage. A terrible blistering anger that had stemmed from dashed hopes. From years of fighting for attention and love from people who would never, ever give her what she wanted. Her mother. Vin. Hunter. People who’d never given her anything and yet expected everything from her. Expected she’d give it because she always did. Giving away little pieces of herself until she had nothing left.