Take My Dress Off (9 page)

“When we have sex for the first time I don’t want it to be because I’m sad or scared or desperate and I’m all these things. I’d be using you.”

Use me!
I screamed in my head. Tears slid down my cheeks. This was wreaking havoc on my self-esteem. Something was always getting in the way and making him think twice about it. Was it too much to ask that his desire for me get the better of him? That he could just let go and allow himself to get carried away?

“Oh God, now I’m making you cry. Don’t cry.”

He squeezed me to his side and now I was sobbing, like couldn’t catch my breath sobbing. I covered my eyes with my hands. I couldn’t look at him.

“Paige, please don’t cry. I’m so sorry.”

He tightened his arm around me and pulled me back with him onto the sofa. I snuggled into his neck and tried to breathe as he stroked my hair. I stared down at his untucked shirt that I had dampened with tears, his loosened belt, and felt rejected all over again. He was shaking, trying to control his grief. He wiped his eyes on the sleeve of his shirt. He didn’t need this from me right now. I needed to get it together, for both of us.

“You better get home,” I sniffed. “Your mom needs you.” I sat up and wiped the tears from my face. I’m sure I was a blotchy swollen mess. He nodded and rose. I looked up to him as he tucked in his shirt and buckled his belt. I had never felt so alone.

“C’mon,” he extended his hand to me. I rose obediently and followed him to the entry hall. He leaned his back against the door and reached for me, squeezing me tightly to his chest as he wrapped his arms around my waist. “Stop it,” he whispered.

“Stop what?” I said into his shoulder.

“The thinking, the blaming. I should have kissed you and left. I’m not being fair to you, I know it.”

I didn’t know what to say. My tears were resting in the corners of my eyes.
Please stop crying
. Why was I always crying?

“I can’t leave you like this. I did this to you.”

I didn’t want him to go.

But I knew he had to.

“Go, Chaz,” I said and took a deep breath. I loosened out of his embrace and wiped under my eyes. “I’ll be fine, really.”

He looked down at me and with one finger tipped my chin up to his. “I don’t deserve you.” He kissed me softly and my heart ached. I was bleeding inside. I opened the door and he stepped onto the porch. “I’ll call you later.”

I nodded. I couldn’t say anything.

He held my eyes with his as he backed away and I closed the door. I couldn’t watch him leave. I heard the Mustang fire up, the headlights flooding the living room with light for a few seconds then slowly dimming, the engine fading as it carried Chaz and my heart away.

The next
weekend Danielle, Chaz and I drove up to L.A. I had an audition for a Macy’s commercial. I had never done a commercial before and hoped it would be the break I needed. Chaz and Danielle spent the day touring UCLA with Danielle’s oldest sister, Gabriella. UCLA was Gabby’s alma mater and was encouraging Danielle to apply as well.

Maddie agreed to rent a room at the Ramada for us since I had to go back tomorrow for round two. She figured I was safe if Chaz and Danielle were with me. I was looking forward to a quiet relaxing evening with my two most favorite people in the world. What with the drive and the audition, it had been a long day. I wished Danielle and Chaz got along better. It was so annoying the way they bickered. Danielle still didn’t trust him but respected my choice to be with him. Chaz, for his part, thought Danielle had too much of an influence over me. Danielle said that this would be a big weekend for Chaz and me, that we would finally have sex.

I shoved the key into the lock and twisted back and forth. “It’s stuck.”

“Here, let me try,” Chaz offered. I backed away and he pulled the key out and stuck it in again. After a few tries it opened. Danielle shoved past me, her suitcase following obediently at her heels. Chaz and I filed in behind her and paused at the end of the bed.

One bed.

One king size bed.

“Paige, I thought Maddie booked two doubles?” Danielle scowled.

“She did.”

“Well, this is going to be cozy.” Chaz bounced onto the bed and opened his arms. “I get dibs on the middle.”

Danielle scowled. “No way, pervert.”

“I’ll call the front desk,” Chaz sighed. He hopped off the bed, walked over to the small desk, and picked up the phone.

“I can stay with my sister,” Danielle offered and propped her suitcase against the wall.

I leaned in and whispered. “And leave me alone with Chaz?”

Danielle raised her eyebrows up to me. “Isn’t that what you want?”

I stared back to the big bed. I was already a bundle of nerves about the second audition tomorrow. I couldn’t take another night of frustration with Chaz.

“They’re out of doubles.” Chaz hung up the phone. “They’re bringing up a roll-away bed.”

“Damn straight they are,” barked Danielle.

“Don’t worry,” Chaz smirked.  “I’ll take it.”

“I could stay at…”

I cut Danielle off briskly. “Thanks, Chaz.”

Chaz sank into a chair and turned on the TV. I unpacked my bag and Danielle disappeared into the bathroom.

“What time is your call-back?” shouted Danielle from the bathroom.

“Nine-thirty,” Chaz shouted back before I could reply.

“What are you, her manager?”

He turned to me. “Are you getting hungry?” he asked.

I shrugged. “I probably shouldn’t eat, the camera adds pounds, right?”

“Okay, Karen Carpenter,” shouted Danielle.

“Paige, stop. You’re eating so think about what you would like.”

Danielle emerged from the bathroom in a cloud of
hairspray and Tabu perfume. Her make-up had been freshened and her lips glossed in bright red.

“
Rox-anne, you don’t have to wear that dress tonight
…” sang Chaz.

“Shut up,” Danielle hissed.

“I think you’re a little over-dressed for the Burger King drive-thru, honey,” he snickered.

“My brother-in-law has agreed to let Gabby out of her domestic prison. He’s watching the baby so she can take me to dinner at a place that doesn’t serve toys with food. So sadly I will miss out on the Whoppers.”

“Just for that rude remark we’re ordering in room service,” scoffed Chaz. Danielle stuck out her tongue and peeled off her gray tank dress, revealing a sapphire blue bra and matching panties.

“Danielle!”

Chaz turned to her and shook his head. “Somebody needs attention,” he sang and returned his gaze to the TV.

“What? Like you guys haven’t seen me naked before.” She pilfered through her suitcase. She lifted out a black mini-skirt and tugged it up her thighs. Then she slipped on a black sleeveless blouse and gold pumps. Another quick spritzing of Tabu was followed by her huge gold purse over her shoulder.

“Good God!” Chaz coughed.  “You smell like a French whorehouse!”

“Piss off, Chaz.”  She leaned in to hug me, “Good luck,” she whispered. “I’ll be back late, you’ll have plenty of time,” she winked.

“Don’t wait up for me,” she called as she marched to the door.

“Don’t plan to,” Chaz yawned.

She tugged on the door and when it finally opened she was greeted with the roll-away bed. “You need to fix this door,” she barked at the bell hop. He rolled the bed in and waited for a tip as she scooted past him.

“Oh, I uh…wait a minute,” I stammered and looked around for my purse.

“I got it,” said Chaz pulling a wadded up dollar out of his pocket.”

“Thanks, man,” said the guy with a smirk as he took the dollar and backed out of the room.

“Where do you want to go for dinner?” Chaz asked as he locked the door after the bell hop.

“Do you mind if we order in? I’m beat.”

“What do you want?”

“Surprise me,” I said and walked into the bathroom. I changed into a pair of white terry cloth shorts and a baby blue tank top.

Chaz ordered in pepperoni pizza and we spent the evening watching movies on HBO. We were finally starting to talk in that familiar way that people do when they are comfortable with each other. I studied his profile more than the TV screen. The glow flickered across his face, lighting up his eyes, casting shadows over his strong jaw and that delicate soft dip above the middle of his collar bone that I longed to kiss.

He was so beautiful, this man that I had fallen so deeply for. Warmth swelled like waves within me. He had been through so much these last few weeks and I felt so inadequate in how to support him. He was such a strong person and I admired how he took care of his mother and sisters. He took over the finances including the operations of the lime orchards his father had so dearly loved. He had handled the final arrangements with his uncles and spoken so eloquently at his father’s funeral. He carried himself with strength and grace and never complained but to me he had aged so much in such a short amount of time and I could see it reflected in the tiny creases around his eyes. I could never do what he did, rise to the occasion, and I wanted to take care of him, ease the burden he was under. But I didn’t know how.

He absently ran his fingers through my hair, winding and twisting the long strands through his fingers then letting go. Every so often a sweet boyish smile would sit on his lips as he reacted to the show on the TV.

As the evening progressed I became more anxious. It wasn’t like we hadn’t been alone together before. I’d never spent so much time in hotel rooms watching TV with someone, it was kind of strange. Would we finally have sex tonight? Or would he back away again? Everything was happening so fast. He’d said he loved me the night his father had died. But he was high so did it count?

“Paige?”

I snapped out of my racing thoughts.

“Chaz?”

“Are you okay?”

I looked down at my hand that was death-gripping the comforter into a ball. He shoved the pizza box out of the way and rolled onto his hip. “Talk to me.”

“I’m freaking out,” I confessed.

He muted the TV. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know what you want.” I bowed my head, my hair fanning forward over my face as I crossed my legs and leaned into my hands.

“What I want?”

I hugged my legs to my chest. “From me…for us.”

He reached out and caressed my cheek. “What do
you
want, Paige?”

“I want to know where I stand…with you. Where we stand.” He smiled and rolled onto his back. “This isn’t funny, Chaz.”

“I’m not laughing,” he grinned and looked up to me. “You know I’m crazy about you.”

“I guess.”

“You guess?”

“No, I know. Argh! I’m being stupid.” I stretched out next to him. “I’m sorry I’m being weird.”

“I like that you’re weird,” he grinned. “And smart, and sexy, and beautiful, and caring.”

“Stop.”

“I think about you non-stop Paige.” He rolled back toward me. “You’re my first thought in the morning and my last at night.”

“Now you’re being weird. I like hearing the words, though.”

He pouted. It was adorable. “Weird? No. Corny? Yes.” He leaned over and kissed me softly. “Do you feel better now?”

I nodded.

He sat up and his eyes narrowed in concern. “I am worried about something though…”

“What?” I asked and also sat up.

“This big bed is not getting used to its full potential.” Before I could respond he pinned me beneath him and caught my wrists, pressing them to my sides, his nose inches from mine. “I’m sorry, Paige, but I can’t wait anymore. I’m really trying to behave but I can’t.” Kisses fluttered down my neck, softly at first then harder as the tips of his fingers teased under my tank top. He sucked in his breath when he discovered I wasn’t wearing a bra. I arched into him as he squeezed my breasts, delighting in the warmth of his hands as he caressed and teased. A tingling sensation shot straight down to my core, aching and tightening in response.

There was no holding back now. I was ready. He pinched the sides of my shorts and slid them down my legs. I shuddered as his hands grazed over my thighs. I reached down to lift the hem of his shirt. I needed to feel his skin against mine. He tugged the shirt over his head then slipped off mine just as quickly. His lips covered mine and I reached down and felt his desire. He was hard and my pulse quickened knowing it was for me. He covered my hand and pressed it against his arousal.

“Do you feel how much I want you?” he whispered into my mouth.

“Yes,” I moaned.

“Only for you, Paige.”

I popped the buttons of his Levi’s, deliciously surprised when I discovered he wasn’t wearing anything underneath. I freed him from the constraint of his jeans and he fell into my hand, heavy and hard. I tightened my grip around him, delighting in the smooth ridges as he thrust into my hand.

“Yes, Paige,” he groaned. “Like that.” He licked into my mouth as I rubbed him up and down, twisting and gripping.

This was it.

It was finally happening and I writhed beneath him, eagerly waiting for him to touch me where I so desperately needed him to. He sucked in air and exhaled slowly. I felt the sticky warmth spread over my fingers.

No. Wait. What?

“Fuck, Paige,” he cried and pushed harder into my hand. I kissed him desperately, pulling his hips to me as I sought release. I needed him inside me, I was so worked up.

“Paige.” He pushed his groin against my pubic bone. This would have to do. He was softening against me and the buttons of his fly pressed against my swollen center. I was falling over the edge as I thrust desperately against him. My release was quick and I felt so empty. We clung to each other as we tried to catch our breath. Tears were building up behind my eyelids and I squeezed my lashes together tightly, trying to seal them in. But it was no use. Hot tears slid down my cheeks.

“Hey, hey...” Chaz whispered tipping my chin up to his. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know,” I sniffed. But I did. I was so disappointed.

“Baby,” he consoled and drew me into his neck.

“I’ve never done that before.” I wasn’t lying. I hadn’t done that before because I hadn’t needed to. My last boyfriend had wanted to have sex with me.

“Really?”

“You don’t have to sound so shocked.” I choked back more tears.

“I just assumed, you know?”

Yes, but I never dry-humped anybody.
That was so junior high, what you did in the back of a car at the drive-in. I was a woman. I wanted him to make love to me, not come in my hand while I panted all desperate and needy beneath him.

“I feel foolish,” I said before I could stop myself. I twisted out of his embrace and went to the vanity to rinse my hands and face. He slipped on his jeans and came up behind me, his hands snaking around my belly. He pressed his lips to my cheek.

“You don’t need to feel foolish.”

I turned to face him. “I wanted more.”

“I know.” He kissed the top of my head like I was a small child he had to console. “I did too but I didn’t bring any rubbers. I didn’t think we’d have a chance to be alone, with Danielle here.”

“I’m on the pill.”

“So was Miranda,” he said coolly.

The door lock jangled and Chaz and I both turned to see Danielle throw open the door.

“Fucking door!’

I darted into the bathroom, turned on the shower, and jumped in. As I lathered up my hair I heard the door open.

“What’s going on?” asked Danielle. “Chaz is acting weird, even for him.”

“Nothing is going on.”