Take My Dress Off (22 page)

“Don’t let Maddie hear you say that or she’ll recruit you for the spring bridal show.”

“Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad.” Xavier squeezed Danielle to his side.

“Just a heads up,” called Danielle. “Chaz is in complete asshole mode. You’ve been warned.”

Ramon leaned out of the doorway. “Okay honey, we’ve got room. Let’s get that dress bagged.”

I lumbered into the dressing room. How did girls wear these things for hours? I was exhausted and decided if I ever got married it would be on a beach in a bikini and a cover up. Donny, Dillon, and Chaz were the only ones left in the dressing room. They were gathered in a small circle talking quietly.

“Alright guys, you need to make like the wind and blow,” Ramon ordered. “We have to get Miss Paige out of this dress.”

“Catch you later.” Donny slung his backpack over his shoulder and left. Cynthia helped me step onto the dais and began buttoning up the bustle on the train.

“Why do you get to stay, Ramon?” Dillon asked and slipped on his jacket while Chaz leaned against the make-up table, his arms crossed over his chest. He still hadn’t said a word to me.

“If you would like to stand here for the next twenty minutes and take out pins be my guest,” Ramon said, pins clenched between his teeth.

“Sure,” smiled Dillon.

“Get out,” I said, wincing as Cynthia pried the veil from my head. “Chaz, you can stay.”

“I’ll wait for you in the car.” Chaz said in a low voice. He pushed off the table and followed Dillon out of the room. He paused at the door and turned back to look at me. I studied him, wondering what on Earth he was so angry about. It couldn’t be me, I hadn’t done anything. It wasn’t my fault Karla was in an accident and I had to be the bride. This was my job, he was going to have to deal with it. His body relaxed and he rested his arm on the doorframe looking positively sexy in his brown leather bomber jacket.

“You’re going to be a beautiful bride, someday, Paige. You take my breath away.”

I felt my body collapse even though I was still standing. Good thing the dress was holding me up.

“Aw, that’s so sweet,” said Cynthia. “Is he your boyfriend?”

“Yes.”

I didn’t sound confident.

***

When I finally got to the parking lot I was surprised to see Donny and Chaz leaning against the Mustang.

“Hi guys.” I tossed my bag into the backseat.

“A bunch of us were thinking of meeting up at the Pizza Shack. You in?” Donny asked.

“Sounds good, I’m starving.” I hadn’t eaten all day so I could fit into the wedding dress. Karla was considerably thinner than I was.

“I’ll drop you off,” said Chaz. “I have a lot to do at home.”

“Like what?” I asked.

“You can ride with me,” Donny offered much too quickly.

“Why don’t you go,” encouraged Chaz.

“We’ll catch up with you guys in a little while,” I smiled to Donny and lowered into the Mustang. Donny looked to Chaz who nodded back.

“Get in the car, Chaz.” I slipped across the seat. I wasn’t having a fight in the parking lot of the Hotel Encanto while everyone and their dog watched. He climbed in next to me and started the car.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? You’re being a total ass.”

He stared back at me, a blank expression on his face.

“So I had to walk with Xavier down the ramp in a fucking wedding dress. Who cares? I’m not fucking him, I’m fucking you. Get over it.” I could feel my pulse pounding in my ears. I took a deep breath and waited for his response.

“I know that. I don’t care about Xavier.”

“Then what is it, Chaz?”

He ran his hand through his hair and leaned his elbow on the window ledge. “I’m really stressed out, Paige.”

“I’m sure you are but taking it out on me isn’t going to help.”

“I know. I’m sorry. You deserve better.”

“Let me know what I can do to help.” I reached out for his hand.

He turned to me, his eyes glassy. “I wish you could.”

“Chaz, what’s wrong?” Panic flowed through me. He was slipping so fast.

“I can’t give you what you need, Paige.” He looked away.

“I need
you,
Chaz. You.” I reached up to him.

“I think we need a break.”

My hand froze on his cheek. He was fading away right in front of me and I couldn’t stop him this time. Hot tears stung the corners of my eyes. “Are you breaking up with me?”

“No, I don’t want that.” He squeezed my hand. “I just can’t be here for you right now like I want to be. You should be able to get pizza and hang out with friends. I can’t.”

“I don’t care about that,” I sniffed.

“I quit my job today.”

“What? Why?” He loved working at the country club.

“I can’t handle it and school. I quit the golf team too. I have too much to do at the ranch.”

I felt the anger welling up in my chest. I got that Chaz’s mom needed his help but she was expecting too much of him. He was just a young man starting to make his way in the world. She needed to figure out what to do with the ranch herself. She couldn’t dump it all on him like this. It was tearing him up, tearing
us
up.

“Chaz, you can’t be expected to take over everything. The ranch isn’t your life.”

“There’s no one else, Paige, I have to.” Each word he spoke became louder, more deliberate. His hands opened and clenched in his lap. “I need some time.”

“To get away from me because I’m obviously so needy,” I spat.

“Stop.” His eyes softened and he pulled my hand into his lap. “Just until we’re done with the limes, okay? I need to get my shit together. Figure out what I’m going to do.”

I slumped into the seat. I had lost and Chaz’s demons had won. “Do I need to move Dusty?”

The windows of the car were starting to steam and he turned on the air. “No, of course not. We’re not breaking up, Paige. We’re taking a break.”

“Seems the same to me,” I sniffed and looked out the foggy window. I remembered when we fogged windows in a different way.

“You asked me what I needed, Paige. Just give me some time, please.” He reached for me and pressed his lips softly against mine. I melted under his touch and tried to coax him into a deeper kiss. He pulled away and placed his hands on the steering wheel.

“Pizza Shack?”

“No.  Take me home.”

***

“He wants a break? What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Danielle’s dark eyebrows knotted together. I took a bite of the pepperoni pizza Danielle had brought. When I didn’t show up at the Pizza Shack she called and I had been so hysterical she had insisted Xavier drop her off at my house.

“I don’t know.”

“So you’re just supposed to sit around while he gets his shit together?”

“Danielle, right now I don’t know what to think.” I felt like my world had stopped. I had become dependent on Chaz for everything. He seemed so mature. He handled everything that came at him with ease. I thought I was being supportive. Was I putting pressure on him? All I knew was that he had finally reached his breaking point, with his family, with me, with everyone. I took another bite of pizza.

“Do you want me to stay with you tonight?”

“No. Go out with Xavier and enjoy yourself. I’ll be okay.

“I don’t mind, really,” she smiled. “It’s the least I can do.”

“I’m going to have to learn to be on my own. No time like the present.” I grabbed another slice of pizza. No need to fit into anymore wedding dresses. Not any time soon anyway.

Chaz called me
that night but I was all cried out and hearing his voice tore my heart even more so I ended the conversation abruptly.

As the days passed, Chaz became more distant, withdrawn and unavailable. He took me out to dinner once but he seemed distracted. He was overwhelmed with the lime harvest and I couldn’t get what the big deal was or why these little green balls of fruit were ruining his life. Wouldn’t you just hire some people to pick them, box them up, and send them to a market or wherever they went to be sold? I was sure his dad had regular people he called, phone numbers, notes on how it was done. But I kept my opinions to myself because the last time I had made suggestions to Chaz he went off on me. When he dropped me off at home he reached around my nape, pulling me to him, kissing me softly and whispering that he was sorry and to be patient. It wasn’t enough.

***

It had been three days since I had talked to Chaz. I had picked up the phone so many times, my fingers hovering over the buttons. But I wanted to give him the space he needed. I knew this was finals week for him and he needed to study. Mine were the following week so I spent all of my time in the library. I had been so consumed with everything Chaz I had neglected my school work and needed the extra time to study. I had also developed a nasty bout of insomnia. My mind would race about what I could have done differently and I would read until I fell into bed exhausted, anything to keep my mind off Chaz. But it was impossible, I was reminded of him everywhere.

That Friday, I barely made it out of bed but I couldn’t skip school. Since it was the last day before Christmas break, teachers were very strict on attendance. I woke up late, threw on a sweatshirt and jeans, and twisted my hair into a ponytail.

“You need to get yourself together, girl,” said Danielle as we walked into A2. “Don’t let this shit with Chaz define you,” she said with an air of authority, obviously a quote she had read in the latest
Cosmo
.  I didn’t even know what “this shit” was. I was in relationship limbo.

“Damn, Paige, you look like crap,” smirked Dillon.

I kicked his black Converse from the seat of my chair.

“I’m sick.”

Sloane turned toward me and shot a pitiful look my way, her slicked straight ponytail swaying as she smirked.

Danielle was right. I needed to get myself together! I didn’t want Sloane’s pity and I didn’t want anyone to know, especially Dillon, that anything was wrong between Chaz and me. I decided I would call Chaz that night. I couldn’t take this anymore. Besides, I wanted to see Dusty. Usually whenever I was this upset I would go the ranch in San Luis Rey. It was my safe place, my refuge, and Chaz had taken my safe place hostage.

My heart jumped when I slowed my car around the corner and saw his car sitting in my driveway. He climbed out as I parked next to the Mustang. I expected him to look as bad as I did, weary eyed, unshaven. But he looked beautiful, like always. He stepped from the car in Levi’s and a cream ribbed V-neck sweater, a navy polo underneath to match the maroon and navy piping on the sweater. I on the other hand looked like a troll. I restrained myself from running to him. I didn’t want to seem desperate and I hadn’t taken a shower this morning.

He leaned up against his car and crossed his arms over his chest. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

He didn’t move toward me so I leaned against the hood of my car.

“I was worried about you.” He studied my appearance. I know I looked awful.  “Baby, come here,” he said and opened his arms.

I obediently went over to him, sinking into his embrace. I hadn’t felt his strong arms around me in two weeks and I was starved for his affection. He smelled like Polo cologne and soap, familiar and comforting, like Chaz. I probably smelled like a litter box.

“Say something.”

I shook my head. I knew if I talked the tears I was trying so bravely to hold back would break like a dam. I wanted to be strong. I wanted him to
think
I was strong.

“Want to go get something to eat?”

I shook my head no.

He probably felt how thin my frame had become through my sweatshirt. I couldn’t eat, I was too upset. Maddie had been on my case because I had fainted two times this week.

Yes, I had become that pathetic.

Maddie had taken me back to the doctor for tests and I had to listen to yet another lecture about my blood sugar. I hated that I had let myself get this way in a matter of days. It was like my situation with Brit all over again, without the stalking part.

“Can we go inside?” he asked.

“Okay,” I managed to whisper.

I unlocked the door and he followed me in. I tossed my keys and bag onto the dining table and sat down. Chaz stood awkwardly next to the table.

“Maddie’s working?”

“She’s working twelves.”

“Twelves?”

“Twelve hour shifts.”

“That sucks.”

“She hates it. But it means she only works three days a week.”

“Cool.”

Chaz still wasn’t sitting. It made me anxious, like he was stalling.
What if he came over to break up with me for good?
At least he had the balls to do it in person.

“I’ll move Dusty this weekend.”

“I told you, that’s not necessary. Dusty is fine.”

“I’m not.” I placed my hand protectively over my heart. I fingered the outline of Chaz’s necklace through my shirt. I wouldn’t take it off. “I want to see my horse.”

“Paige, you’re not banned from my house. You can see Dusty any time you want.”

“It’s too awkward. I don’t want you to think I’m invading your space.” It sounded sarcastic. And bitchy. I didn’t plan on it coming out that way but I couldn’t control it.

“Paige, stop.”

“Look, will you just get this over with?” I pleaded. “Say what you came to say.”

“I came over because I miss you.”

“You miss me?”

“Of course I miss you,” he said.

My emotions were on a rollercoaster and I wanted off. I stared back, not knowing how to respond.

“I love you.”

He shattered me with those three words. Three words that used to mean so much and now he was tossing them out with no regard as to how they would affect me. The dam that was holding back my tears broke and I threw my head into my hands and sobbed.

He knelt down in front of me, resting his arms on my thighs.  “I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.” He sat on the floor and pulled me onto his lap.

I sobbed against his chest as he held me. I was so scared by how much I hurt. Deep inside my chest I felt cold, numb.

“We’ll figure this out, okay?” He swiped at my tears with

the pads of his thumbs. “I just need to get through Christmas.”

“Christmas?” I fired back, collecting my breath. “That’s two weeks away!”

“It’s going to be really hard for my family without Dad.”

I thought of how difficult Thanksgiving had been on him. How he had chosen alcohol to help him instead of me. He hadn’t been the same since. He was turning into a ghost right in front of my eyes. Each day he faded away more, like a Polaroid in reverse. Lately, I felt lonelier when I was with him than when we were apart.

“Drinking yourself out of the pain isn’t going to help you or your family, Chaz.”

“I can’t have you around me when I’m going through this.”

“I can’t go days without hearing from you.”

“You can call me whenever you need to.”

“I don’t want to need to.” I stood up and went over to the kitchen sink. I splashed water onto my face and took a deep breath. I didn’t know how I was going to make it through the next two weeks feeling this miserable. My thoughts drifted to Brit when we broke up. I was desperate, erratic, and irrational. I wasn’t going down that road again. I couldn’t. As I patted my face with a paper towel I felt the walls going up around my heart, securing me into self-preservation. I turned to face Chaz. He was leaning against the dining room table, studying me, his chest rising and falling deeply. His hands clenched the sides of the table, bracing him when I began to speak.

“You came over today to break up with me.”
Was that me talking?
I felt like I was standing behind myself. One of me was the strong one talking to him, the other me quivered behind her.

His stance stiffened. He didn’t confirm or deny my accusation. “I can’t...”

“I know. So I’m doing it for you.”

“Please. No.”

“You’re not being fair to me. You say you love me but you can’t be around me or talk to me because it’s too hard for you? I love you. I need to see you, talk to you. I want to help you with whatever it is you’re going through. Because that’s what you do when you love someone, Chaz. You lean on them and they support you when you can’t stand on your own. I have been through so much with you, I’ve never failed you. Why would I stop now? You’re denying me that.” My voice broke and I swallowed back the lump in my throat. “And it’s so selfish. The worst part is that you won’t tell me why. That’s not fair either. If I did something wrong you at least owe me an explanation.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, baby.” He walked over to me and I stiffened as he took me into his arms. “You’re perfect.”

Before I knew what was happening we were kissing and he backed me up against the wall. My hands stole around his neck as his tongue collided with mine. For a brief moment I was relieved and pretended that this had all been a bad dream. I was going to wake up and be in his bed.

Then he pulled away from me and said, “I can’t do this.”

I closed my eyes and tipped my head back against the wall. I couldn’t believe this was happening.

“I have to go.”

I stayed against the wall, grateful for its support as I heard the Mustang fade away.

I was numb the rest of the night. Maddie came home and we watched TV and ate Chinese take-out. She was quiet, waiting for me to talk but I didn’t know how to explain it. “Alright, Paige, spill it,” she said, finally, her gray eyes peering over her glasses. “What’s going on? Why are you home on a Friday night and not with Chaz? You practically live at his house.”

I cracked, I confessed everything, my words coming so quickly I couldn’t breathe. I sobbed in her lap as she stroked my hair. “I don’t get it, Maddie, and he won’t tell me.”

“I know this isn’t going to make you feel better but I don’t think this is about you, honey.”

She was right about one thing, I didn’t feel better.

“Chaz is going through a lot, losing his father and all the added responsibility. The holidays are probably wreaking havoc with his feelings. Grief hits people in different ways.”

I sat up and gathered my hair into a ponytail. “I’ve been right there with him through all of it.”

“I know, honey, and I’m sure he’s appreciated your support. Maybe he needs to be with his family right now, needs to spend time with his mom and sisters. Give them some time to grieve as a family.”

I didn’t think about that. Sandy had said at Thanksgiving that she was worried about him, how withdrawn and isolated he had become. She had also asked me to take care of him. I was trying but he wouldn’t let me.

***

The next day I called Woody and asked if he could pick up Dusty and take her back to the ranch in San Luis Rey and he said he would have time on Monday afternoon. Then I called Chaz and got his machine so I left a brief message letting him know about the arrangements. He didn’t call me back.

I drove over to his house but he wasn’t home so I brushed Dusty and took her for a short ride down the road. She was out of sorts and didn’t want to go faster than a trot. I wanted to gallop and feel the freedom that comes from racing against the wind. I squeezed my legs to urge her on and she hopped and tossed her head. She wasn’t having any of it. When I brushed her down she was really sweaty even though it wasn’t a very warm day. I pulled a carrot from my pocket and held it out to her. She sniffed at it and walked to the other side of her paddock.

Dusty was just as depressed as I was.

I leaned on the fence and glanced at the main house. Its massive presence loomed through the impending dusk, dark and quiet. I wondered if Chaz and his family were at Saturday mass. For their sake I really hoped they were.

Danielle had left for Portland to visit her father and Maddie was at work so I made a sandwich for dinner and settled in bed with the TV.

Later, Maddie woke me, the phone in her hand.

“It’s Chaz,” she said.

“What time is it?”

“Eleven-thirty.”

“Chaz?” I yawned.

“Paige, you need to come over. Something’s wrong with Dusty. When I got home tonight she was rolling in the dirt and wouldn’t get up. Uncle Oscar thinks she has colic.”

“Oh my God!” I cried. “Make her get up, don’t let her roll! I’m on my way!”

Maddie called the vet while I threw on a pair of old sweats. The drive was the longest twenty-three minutes of my life and I prayed I wouldn’t get pulled over because I was flying down the highway.