Sweet Sins (6 page)

             
This would be a difficult week for her being without him. Somehow she would have to get use to the idea that he would be spending the week with his wife. He would be going to New York for a family wedding; the family pressure for them to appear at his brother’s wedding together had become insurmountable. She would see him one more time before he left so she would make the most of that day.

             
On Monday, she took the boys to Pass-A-Grille Beach. The water sloshed and covered them with sea spray. Sitting close to the shore, she watched the boys play happily.

             
“Joshua, stop it!”

             
Joshua had removed his bathing suit and threw it as far as he could and began running. When she looked the other way, Brent had done the same thing. Shrieking with glee, the boys ran naked down the beach. Their maneuvering abilities seem to have been taught in the baby SWAT team. The only thing in her favor was the sand, it was sizzling hot to the touch and their steps were made with little yelps. She caught Joshua up while he was still squirming like a little fish, laughing hysterically. Brent was harder to catch, as he darted around the sand gazers. They had an audience and cheering section by now.

             
“You almost got ‘em,” yelled an older sunbather laughing.

             
Someone else yelled, “Got get ‘em Mom.”

             
“Me and who else? Any volunteers?”

             
After retrieving them both, they struggled to get loose. Thinking this great fun, they were winning the battle over her. As soon as she grabbed one, the other got away.

             
“Boys, do you want all those little girls over there to see you naked?”

             
Joshua nodded “yes”, bending over and showing his butt towards them. Hopeless, she thought, raising boys is just hopeless. After a while of this unsuccessful showdown, she decided it was time to go before their little bodies became crispy from the sun.

             
Even though they hadn’t behaved liked she hoped, she did not scold them much and they all went for ice cream on Madeira Beach. At John’s Pass, there was a boardwalk dotted with sundry and souvenir shops. Joshua watched the dolphins swimming and jumping and exclaimed,

             
“Look at that,” each word getting higher in octave as he jumped with joy.

             
After their joyful day, the boys fell asleep quickly and she was left to a worrisome, lonesome night thinking of Adam. Every time she thought of him going to NY with Patty Jo, she shrank a little inside. She knew they would be sharing the same hotel room…what if they…No, she couldn’t think about that. He just couldn’t be intimate with her. He just couldn’t.

Tuesday, Arianna took the boys on Mom’s tutoring tour. She liked to take them to different stores and expose them to things that might not be in their home, from kitchen items to tools.
Joshua was three now and had been reciting the alphabet for 6 months. He talked like a tiny professor and he surely thought he was. These days with the children made it a little easier to accept whatever might be happening with Adam.

             
Tonight would be the last time she would see him for a full week. She wanted it to be special. They had never been separated for that long since they had met. She dressed provocatively hoping he would remember only her while he was away. She had on a skin tight blue jean skirt, zippered on each side with black ties across the back. Her yellow maize top was highlighted by crystals running down the sleeves. Wednesday was ladies night at Webster’s and that is where they were going.

             
When she knocked on the door, she entered and twirled for him, expecting the usual whistle. She stopped suddenly as she saw the expression on his face. He didn’t reach out to hug her or lean in to kiss her as he usually did. He head was tilted and staring at two ice cubes as he rolled them in his Rum and Coke.

             
“What’s wrong? What is it? Tell me before I faint. Why are you looking at me that way?”

             
He remained silent and wouldn’t meet her gaze. Now she was panicking and looked around to see if Patty Jo was there. Did they get back together in the last few days? What could have happened to make him behave this way?

             
“Sit down, please sit down. I have to talk to you about something. I don’t know how to say it.”

             
He placed his hand sheepishly on her shoulder, like someone comforting a person who has just lost their best friend. He motioned for her to the glass dinette on the balcony. A drink was waiting for them both on the table. Trembling, she walked over and grabbed the drink, holding on to it like a parachute for someone who was falling.

             
He crouched down so that he was looking up at her and placed his hand on her knee.

             
“God, I don’t know how to say this so I’ll just say it. I’m no good at this. Patty Jo and I have decided to get back together.”

             
Hurricane winds felt as if they swooped down to the balcony and had blown her crashing to the ground.

             
“You can’t mean it. Please, tell me it’s not true. It can’t be true. It must not be true. What could have happened in a couple of days to make you change your mind? We were just at your Mom’s house.”

             
She grabbed her purse and took the cigarette case out. Tracing her hand over and over the cool touch of the metal distracted her. She felt she was spinning and this wasn’t real.

             
“It wasn’t planned—nothing like that. It just happened. Monday when I went to my Mum’s house for dinner, she was there. My Mum had invited her over and I didn’t know about it. I guess she thought we needed to get together before the wedding to talk and make our peace. After dinner, she wanted to go somewhere and talk. I thought that was all right because I was thinking about talking to her about splitting up permanently. After a couple of drinks she just went crazy on me, ripping my clothes off and telling me how much she still wanted me and loved me. She kept saying we were still married and that I owed her that much. She said she wants to try and have a kid. I owe her that much, Arianna. The whole family wants us to get back together. They love her and maybe I do too. She is my wife. I just have to. I didn’t want to hurt you, I didn’t. I’m sorry. I felt I had to tell you that we were together. I felt I owed you that much. I know you hate me now and I understand that. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”

             
Tears streaming down her face she tried to speak, a soft feeble voice came out, “Adam, you were the one who told me countless of times that even though you have been with her for so long, you never felt close to her, the way we feel towards each other.”

             
“She said New York would be our second honeymoon and we could start over.”

             
“I don’t know if I can hear anymore. I was doing nothing but dreaming about you and counting every minute till I saw you again and you…all along you were with her. It seems impossible to me.”

             
“Girl, I still love you, but I have feelings for her too. We’ve been together since forever; I have to at least try.”

             
“You said she never made you feel the things that you had with me, that you don’t feel lonely anymore.”

             
She moved to the other side of the room trying to distance herself from the pain she was feeling. His nearness seemed a sharp ache to her.

             
“You were the one who said you felt the time with her were lost years, wondering what you were doing together. You said if a things’ not right, it’s not right. What happened to those thoughts, that philosophy that you are always listening to from Dylan and preaching about life? What happened in a few days, how could it all have changed?”

             
She felt guilty pleading with him, he was married and she had no right to, but it seemed her very salvation was in the balance. He had told her he didn’t want to be married to her anymore and now it was only societal convention that was telling him to be with her. She felt that she was drowning, right or wrong, she had to state her case.

             
“These last two days, I was crazy thinking about you. You were never away from my thoughts and always profoundly in my heart. When I think during that time you were with her planning a new life, it makes me weak. How could you and I have been so far apart in our thinking when I think of us as one person? Why, Adam, why we had something so splendid, perfect as if fate had blessed us. Heaven was our playground, what we have most people only dream about. You said you never felt that way with her. What about the other guy she’s been seeing all this time? I would spend my life alone if I didn’t have you. No one could ever compare to you.”

             
“I don’t care about what came before. I know she left but it was probably my fault. I left her alone all the time. I was selfish with my time and demanded too much freedom. She didn’t cheat on me, we both agreed to the separation and its consequences. I love you still, that hasn’t changed but I feel like I have to do the right thing by everyone. I have to try and reconcile with her.”

             
He walked towards her and she moved away, the first time not wanting his touch. The sting of his words was too much for her to comprehend.

             
“Will you do this much for me? Will you tell me what happened?”

             
“I’ll tell you. I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t, but I’ll tell you. Yesterday we went shopping for stuff to do with my brother’s wedding. Then we went out to dinner and she just kept saying we’ve known each other since I was a sophomore in high school. It’s not that easy letting go when you are still married. There’s one more thing. I have to tell you, you deserve that much. We…we made love.”

             
By this time, she had finished three more drinks and was smoking one cigarette after another. It numbed the news for a moment before her heart started pounding like an earthquake inside her. She wished at this moment she did not exist or that at least she could erase from her mind what he had just said.

             
“You said if a things’ not right, it’s not. You said that over and over to me. You said I was the best thing in your life that ever came along. Why would you want to throw that away to go back to what you already know didn’t work. You said you have never been in love before. That you didn’t think real love existed. You said I was your forever. All these things, Adam, were they not real?”

             
Weeping, she went to him and took his hands. He pulled her up in his arms and cradled her against him. He was so tender; she knew he was sorry this had happened. She knew he had not meant to hurt her.

             
“God, Arianna, it’s over between us, isn’t it? I’ve ruined everything. I’ve wrecked our chance at being together. You’re right; it is you that I want. I love you, darling, I love you. I thought I was doing the right thing, but it wasn’t the right thing for me. It was the right thing for my Mum and Patty Jo. I’ve screwed up everything now for everyone. How could you ever forgive me now for being with her?”

             
“My darling, my love, do you mean that? Do you love me still?”

             
“You are my only love. Come to me, make love to me. Please forgive me.”

             
Her emotions were roller coasting in her head. Trying to jostle into some order all the things that he had said to her, she tried to steady herself. Part of the dagger he had placed in her heart was now removed. She would have to work on the rest later. Her pure relief that he was not leaving her, at least for this moment, overcame everything else.

             
He carried her into the bedroom, pulling on the zippers of her skirt with his teeth. He slid her skirt off easily while his hands continued to touch her body. He consumed her and she was helpless to not respond to his ardent love. He was hungry for her as never before. They were on the brink of going down like the Titanic and somehow they survived this storm. She was immersed in this moment of love with him, only him and always him. They lay making love, over and over again, as if it were the last day on the earth for them both. Sweating and weak, they clung to each other for strength. She held him tightly, fearing he would disappear in front of her.

             
“Adam, put me in your pocket and carry me with you always so that I never have to be without you again. I feel like I died when you told me that and now I have been reborn.”

             
She tilted her head to look up at him.

             
“Darling, are you sure this time, am I going to leave you tonight to find that you will no longer be mine tomorrow? You’re going to spend five days with her, in the same bed— in the same hotel room. You’ll be surrounded by your family and everyone that wants the two of you to get back together. What will I do if you change your mind again?”