Surviving Regret (7 page)

Macy and I score a booth in the back corner away from mostly everyone. It’s the way we both prefer. No one can see me to bother us for a picture or an autograph. The waitress takes our order and says she’ll be back in a few with our drinks. Macy and I sit and talk about school. I yawn trying to fight off sleep. I barely slept last night, as I rarely ever do, but last night I was lucky to even get two hours.

Fucking voices.

I couldn’t get them to stop even after getting high and drinking more than necessary.

I glance around as Macy goes on about Heather, her roommate. I know Heather is messing around with Declan but I don’t gossip so I just let Macy go on about it. I notice some geek with glasses too big for his face checking Macy out.

“Who is that, Macy?” I ask giving a little nod in the douchebag’s direction.

Macy looks all around, “Who?”

I roll my eyes, “That guy over there staring at you?”

Macy twists in the other direction, “Oh,” she turns back around. “That’s Will. He’s in my business strategy and planning class.”

I nod because I want to rip that fucking guy’s glasses off and break his face for staring at her the way he is. It shouldn’t bother me but it does. Macy deserves a lot more than my sorry ass but it doesn’t stop me from being possessive over her.

Will catches me staring at him. I smirk and nod in his direction letting him know I caught him. He quickly diverts his eyes and doesn’t look over at her again.

The rest of lunch I go from acting like I’m paying attention to Macy to watching to see if Will looks over here again.

He doesn’t. Smart man.

After we’ve eaten we drive back to the dorms. I park my truck then meet Macy around the front and we walk hand-in-hand up to our dorm building. The rain has let up a little bit and now it’s just a fine mist.

“Is Heather in there?” I ask with a nod toward her wing of the dorm rooms. Even though Macy and Heather don’t share a bedroom it never fails that Heather walks in on us so Macy refuses to have sex if she’s in their dorm room.

Macy nods, “Yeah, she doesn’t leave for another hour or so.”

Colton is probably in our room jerking off again but I’m kicking that pussy out. I open the doors and allow Macy to walk into the building first. She adjusts her purse on her shoulder. She doesn’t want our time to be over yet, I can tell by the look in her eye every time she looks at me. And I’m not gonna lie, I don’t want it to end either. For once, the voices are quiet today and I’m having one of my better days.

I pull her into my arms and she snuggles into my chest. “Come with me.”

She looks up, “Where?”

We don’t spend time with other people when we’re together. It’s always just her and me. The way we both like it. We don’t need to pretend for other people and we are free to be the real people we are. “To my room.”

“Colton’s there, isn’t he?” She knows Colton’s schedule like the back of her hand. We’re used to sneaking around to find a place to hang out together.

I start walking backwards toward my room pulling her along, “Yeah, but not for long.” Now I just pray that pussy really isn’t jerking off because that’s the last thing Macy or I need to see but it won’t be the first time we’ve interrupted his one-handed dates.

Surprisingly, when we get to my room it’s quiet. I don’t know where he’s at and I don’t really give a shit right this second. I only care about being inside Macy and losing myself for a little while. Keeping the ugly at bay.

I shut and lock the door behind us then toss my keys on my desk. Our room fucking smells like a trash can and it’s a mess with clothes thrown all around and empty beer bottles all over.
We really need to clean this place up.

I stalk over to Macy. She’s nervous, afraid that any minute I’ll shut her out. It’s what I normally do to her. She puts herself in a shell to protect her heart from me but today, right now, I’m cracking it open. These feelings are few and far between with me but when they are here I’m taking every single second of it. I don’t deserve her, I never had, never will, but for some reason she thinks otherwise and I’m so fucking glad she does.

“You’re scared,” I state rather than ask.

She blinks a few times, her cheeks turning pink. “A little.”

I slip her purse off her shoulder, it hits the floor with a thud. I step back slightly to reach behind me with one hand pulling my shirt over my head. I have to lead this show. I have to put myself out there first for her. Macy’s eyes roam from the floor up to my bare stomach. Her fingers tap on her legs like she has to do something with them in order to keep from touching me. I flick the button of my jeans, then unzip them and they fall to the floor. Macy gasps and a smile tugs at my lips. I toe each shoe off and kick my jeans to the side.

Finally, as if Macy couldn’t hold back anymore her fingers graze over my stomach. As soon as I feel the contact my stomach muscles tighten. She doesn’t move her hand but doesn’t pull it away either. Lifting her chin up I kiss her and she melts into me, slowly at first but then it’s like that shell cracks wide open with only my touch. I reach for the hem of her shirt and pull it off, her bra, pants, and panties follow.

Reaching for Macy’s hand I pull her to my bed with me. I kiss low on Macy’s shoulder while my fingers skate over her bare chest all the way down to her pussy. We’re watching our every move in the mirror that is fixed directly across from my bed. When we’re both watching each other it makes everything more intense. There is nothing in this moment but the two of us, everything and everyone is blocked out. Our hearts beat as one as I wish it would continue doing for the rest of our lives. I can’t give Macy a happily ever after, I’m not that guy, not anymore.

I slide one finger between her legs massaging her clit lightly at first then apply a little more pressure. She’s already wet for me and I love it. Her eyes start to flutter closed but when I bite down on her shoulder they fly back open. “Do you know how beautiful you are?”

Macy’s breathing catches and she stares intently into my eyes through the mirror. She wants to believe me and she should but she won’t. That night took more from us than any of us are ready to face. I know she has more self-image issues now after the accident. Her nose is slightly crooked but I think it makes her look more beautiful. I wish she’d see it.

I continue placing small kisses down her collarbone. Then slowly I slide my body out from behind her but make sure that she can still see me. “Keep watching,” I tell her in between kisses I place on her chest between her breasts.

I cup each of my hands and take one of her nipples into my mouth. I kiss it, swirl my tongue around it a few times before moving on to the other one. I start to make my way down her stomach but she puts her hand under my chin and stops me.

“My turn.”

My heart starts to beat wildly. Today something is different between us and I can’t quite put my finger on it. Normally when we have sex it’s one sided, the connection isn’t firing at one hundred percent, but it’s firing on all cylinders tonight. Maybe it’s because we’ve gone longer than normal without having sex, maybe it’s just that we’re on the same page. Whatever it is we both need it more than we’re willing to admit to each other.

I lie back on my bed as Macy takes the lead climbing between my legs. She kisses me until her mouth reaches the waistband of my boxers. My dick is straining hard against them and it jumps as she kisses the head. Too worked up to take this slow I lift my hips and start sliding my boxers off not even waiting for her to move.

Macy leans forward a few inches and licks the bead of pre-cum before she lowers her mouth onto me. I groan as shivers rack my body. She sucks me in until I feel the back of her throat. My hips arch off the bed wanting to go deeper but Macy places a tiny hand on my stomach stopping me. Once she knows I got the message she slips her hand down and wraps it around the base of my dick. She pumps her hand up and down while bobbing her head at the same time working me over. My breathing is shallow and I’m close but I don’t want to come in her mouth. I’m just about to tell her to stop as she slows down and then swirls her tongue around the tip.

“Baby,” I pant.

Macy looks up at me with wide, innocent eyes. She’s surprised I’m ready so quickly but she doesn’t seem to care since she presses my dick forward and licks the underside causing my stomach muscles to clench. I can’t take it any longer, she done playing around. I reach down grabbing her under the arms pulling her toward me and then rolling us so I’m on top of her.

“My turn.”

I lean up but she grabs my wrist, “No, I just need you now.”

Nodding because I understand what she means. We’re past the foreplay stage and she needs the connection.

I reach over and pull out a condom from my bedside drawer. After quickly sliding the condom on I cover her small body with mine once more. I can’t wait another second to be inside her. I move my hands and position her hips so that my head is at her entrance. Pushing in very slowly my eyes squeeze shut from the tight, hot sensation. I wait just a few seconds giving her a chance to adjust before pulling almost all the way out and slamming hard back into her. Leaning down I rest my forehead against Macy’s rocking my body back and forth. Our eyes lock and the intense raw emotions are almost too much. Macy feels it too as tears pool in her eyes. This is the “us” from our first time. Nothing is tainting our lives in this moment. Just two people who love each other until the end.

Tears slip down her cheeks and she reaches up to wipe them away. “Don’t cry, Macy.”

Macy gives me a sad smile before wrapping her arms around my neck to pull me closer to her. I can feel her heart beating against my chest, that’s how close we are. She’s anchoring herself to me for however long this ride lasts. I’m not going to lie, I’m holding on just as hard too.

Her body wracks with sobs and I almost stop but then her hips start meeting mine thrust for thrust. My body starts humming from the state of ecstasy she’s propelled me into and my tempo speeds up with hers. We’re feeding off of each other like we always do when things are good.

“I love you, Landon.” Macy’s muffled voice breaks through my fog.

Leaning up on my elbows I tell her what she needs to hear in this moment. “I love you, too, my shining star.”

I shouldn’t have told her that but I do love Macy. I wish that I didn’t because I can’t ask her to live her life with me. I’ll just drag her down and she doesn’t deserve that. I’m too fucked up.

Macy’s body stills and her eyes fix on mine for just a second before she’s clinching around me. The sensation does me in and I pump faster, my release hits hard. My vision gets spotty as I continue to rock in Macy at a slower pace but never losing eye contact with her. Eventually my body gives out and I collapse on top of her. I’m probably crushing her but she’d never tell me. Macy runs her fingernails up and down my back as I try to get my breathing under control.

“Fuck,” I pant out. “I never wanted it to end.”

Macy doesn’t respond. She knows me all too well, she’s waiting for that wall to go up between us and for me block the world out again. It’s what she’s used to.

I slip from Macy’s body with a hiss, missing her warmth already and pull her to me. We wrap our arms around each other and fall asleep eventually listening to each other’s breathing.

September 23, 2013

I pull my cell phone out of my pocket and curse. I’m late meeting Jay, he hates that shit and I doubt he’s still waiting for me. I got held up by one of my professors. She’s concerned about me and my grades. Hell, I’m concerned about them, too. No matter what I do I feel like I’m always one step behind. I’m passing but just barely and I have to keep my grades up in order to keep my scholarship. I promised I’d get some help, it was a lie but she bought it. I don’t have time for help.

I walk quickly just off the quad in my normal meeting place with Jay and am thankful he’s still there. I hand him the money, he hands me the weed and I take off in the other direction in a hurry because I’m going to be late for practice.

Colton and Jet greet me when I walk in. I throw my bag on the bench and pull out some clothes. The locker room is mostly empty except for Cash who is still getting changed himself.

I reach into my jean pocket and pull out the baggie quickly shoving it in my bag and zipper it. I look around making sure no one saw but when I glance in Cash’s direction he’s standing there staring at me, but acting as if he doesn’t really care. But he saw me and what I had.
Fuck.
I really didn’t need for him of all people to see that.

I stare at him, wondering if he’s going say anything, only he doesn’t. He just shakes his head and continues doing what he’s doing.

I put on my basketball shorts, slip my shoulder pads on over my head, securing them and then toss on my practice jersey. We’re just doing catches so I don’t need to be completely suited up. I double-check that I’ve locked my locker, grab my helmet and run off to the field before coach bitches I’m late again.

We’re running plays getting ready for the game this weekend. Cash is throwing balls to the other receivers perfectly, nailing it each and every time. When he throws to me he makes me work for it. He throws the ball too short, too long, too hard. I keep up for the most part but I fuck up some that I should’ve been able to catch. He’s doing it on purpose and he has every right to. Coach is all over my ass about it and there isn’t a goddamn thing I can do about it.

After practice is over we all hit the showers. The voices in my head are creeping back in.

“Landon, get down.”

I hurry, rushing around when normally I’m one of the last to leave.

“Landon, get it. It’s burning my back.”

“Hey, man, where you going?” Colton asks.

“Steven!” Alexa screams. “No, you promised.”

I pick up my bag and throw it over my shoulder, “I’ve got stuff to do.”

When I walk past Cash I catch him say, “I bet you do.” But I don’t stop. No good will come of it if I do. He doesn’t realize I’m on the verge of losing it.