Surviving Regret (9 page)

I roll my eyes as she takes my hand and we make our way around the house. We say hi to a few people as we pass by them. Heather looks over her shoulder, “You better be swaying those hips.”

I laugh, “You’re fucking crazy.”

She laughs right back, “You bet that fine ass of yours I am.”

A shiver goes right down my spine and I freeze. “A fine ass you do have.” The sound of his voice charges the electricity flowing between us. I hate that he has this grip over me.

I turn to face Landon. I don’t know how to respond to his comment so I wait for him to say something else. He reaches for my hand bringing me closer to him. I go because that’s what I always do. He whispers in my ear, “I missed my shining star today.”

I close my eyes and rest my head on his shoulder. “I didn’t think you’d even realize I wasn’t there.”

“You know better than that, I always see you,” Landon says, “And I’m sorry for being a dick to you.”

I lift my head and stare into his eyes gauging his sincerity. I know Landon knows I always go to his games but I never knew he checked to see if I was actually there. It gives me a little hope.

He bites back a smile, “I’m sorry,” he mouths again.

I give him a little smile because that’s what I do. I always give into Landon Hayes. He’s my weak link. My heartbeat. My soulmate.

Heather clears her throat behind us. When I turn around she has her hand out. I shake my head then dig into Landon’s back pocket pulling ten dollars out of his wallet. He’s paying for this.

“Told you,” she says, winking and leaving Landon and I standing there.

“Want to explain that one?”

Landon pulls me into his arms. He’s so warm and comfortable. “Not a chance in hell.”

He laughs and I feel his chest vibrate. Landon doesn’t laugh enough these days and I miss the sound.

I huff, giving in, “She bet me that you would be talking to me within twenty minutes of showing up.”

“That’s it?”

I close my eyes and lean my forehead on his chest. “She may have mentioned something about me swaying my hips.”

Landon groans, “Don’t listen to her, ever.” I lift my head. “You only do that shit when I’m with you. If not, I can’t promise not to beat the shit out of every guy who looks at you.”

My Landon is back for just the briefest of moments but it’s enough to give me a slight hope that one day, someday, we’ll find our way back to each other.

Landon and I gravitate to the kitchen away from the thumping of the music. He’s telling me about the game and what I missed. I let him tell me because I just want to hear him talk, I just want his attention, I don’t want to share him with anyone else right now. I don’t tell him I watched every second of it on T.V.

Things for the moment are back to normal with us. Whatever the fuck our normal is, I guess. There is no denying our attraction for each other but there is a mountain between us. I want to go down one side while he wants to go down the other.

Landon’s eyes go cold and his body suddenly stiffens.

Someone clears their throat behind us and I mentally scream because I know it’s Cash. And here I thought things were going so good.

I turn in Landon’s arms and he brings my back flush against his chest. He’s staking his claim to Cash.

Cash looks directly at me never even acknowledging Landon, “I’m outta here. I’ll talk to you later.”

All of a sudden I feel cold, something’s wrong with Cash. “Alright.”

When Cash steps around us he bumps Landon’s shoulder so hard his back hits the wall. Landon pushes himself from the wall, visibly pissed with Cash and throws his arms in the air, “He’s lucky I don’t kick his quarterback ass!” He yells loud enough for Cash to hear, but it doesn’t stop Cash or even cause him to turn around. In typical Cash fashion, he holds up his middle finger before disappearing into the crowd.

I push back on Landon’s chest, “Settle down, he didn’t mean it.” Then I nod my head in my sister’s direction. I found out the problem.

Landon grips my arms and moves me from his embrace. “I don’t give a fuck if he can’t handle Madison. Maybe he should just leave her the fuck alone and while he’s at it I wish he would fucking leave you alone too.”

Landon storms off before I can even get a word out. People are looking at me, me, not him. Landon Hayes, number ten, wide receiver can do no wrong around here. Fuck it that Cash and him are the ones with the issues.

I’ve learned my lesson years ago with Landon. When he’s pissed just let him go. He just needs to cool off, work whatever the hell is wrong out and then he’ll come back around. Just like he did when Cash high-fived me. I know deep down inside that he isn’t coming back anytime soon tonight though. He walked off in the direction of the stoners who are hanging out back. He’s promised me over and over again he was done with that shit but clearly he isn’t.

Jet Johnson, a tight end from the team, gets up from his seat and gives me a little nod. I smile and take the seat he just vacated.

“You know you aren’t the only one who deals with that shit, right?” he asks me.

No, I don’t really know because Landon doesn’t talk about much of anything with me. “Well, that makes everything all better, huh?” That came out a little bitchier than I wanted it to and I know he was just being nice but I’m fucking tired of this shit. He’s pissed and I didn’t even do a damn thing.

Jet smiles, “They could be fist fighting every day.” His smile widens. “Now that’s something I’d pay to see.”

I try not to laugh but it’s either that or cry right now. I finish my beer hoping that Landon would come back before I’m finished. It’s a long shot but whatever.

My eyes land on my sister across the room. She’s standing there with that guy Jay I’ve heard about. She looks uncomfortable as he gets closer and closer to her. I watch the two of them wondering what in the hell she’s doing with him. He’s bad fucking news.

Jay reaches for Madison’s hand and they disappear into the crowd. My sister is a fucking idiot. I need to get the hell out of here, I can’t watch this shit.

I stand and toss my cup in the trashcan. “You leaving?” Jet asks.

“Yeah, he’s not coming back.”

He nods because he knows too.

Heather is sitting on a couch on the other side of the room. I make my way over to her and she tries to look behind me.

I shake my head, “Will you leave with me? I don’t want to walk home by myself.”

Heather stands and adjusts her shirt, “Where’s Landon?”

I look toward the door, “Cash talked to me.”

She sighs loudly, “Alright, let’s go.”

Chapter Three

September 28, 2013

Landon

I lost my shit after Cash shoved my shoulder. He was being a prick. Taking it out on Macy wasn’t right but I’m so fucking sick of everything and everybody. I just need an escape. I knew coming to this fucking party was going to be a mistake but I also knew I needed to talk to Macy. It’s not her fault that Cash and I don’t speak. It’s my fault, everything is always my fault. I’m the fuck up.

I storm off outside needing to cool the hell down. Once the cool, fall air hits me I take a deep breath and hold it for as long as I can. I do this two more times but by doing that it sends me in search of the weed I smell. My body craves it.

“Hey, man,” Jack says to me when I walk over to him. He’s the campus stoner, everybody knows this. He’s the one who introduced me to Jay.

I give a little nod in his direction as he offers me his joint. I take a hit and hold it in until my lungs start screaming. I let it out and take another hit doing the same thing before handing it back to him. My blood starts pumping slower, my lungs aren’t working overtime and my head starts to clear.

Looking around I notice a few people staring in my direction, it should bother me but I don’t give a shit. People treat me like I’m a god around here all because I’m a starting wide receiver and I’m having a great fucking season on the team. I hate it. I know in the back of my mind I should worry about these people watching me get high because it could get back to Coach but at this point in time I don’t care. It’s this or beat the shit out of someone. I need this to take the edge off things until I can get home.

Jack offers me another hit and I take it. I need it. I want it. I crave it.

“You alright, man?” Jack asks, taking it back from me again.

I pat him on the shoulder, “Yeah, man. Thanks.”

He nods, “Jay’s here you know.”

At the mention of Jay’s name things stop. I tilt my head to the side, “Where?”

Jack nods his head toward the house, “In there with your girl.”

My face instantly goes red with rage. I can feel it all the way to my bones. Those couple of hits don’t even faze me. Not now. He isn’t talking about Macy though. He’s talking about Madison. No one can ever tell them apart and there isn’t any way he could know that since he’s been out here the whole time I’ve been with Macy in the house.

I set out to find out what the fuck Madison is doing with Jay at a party of all places. I’ve told her to stay the fuck away from him so many fucking times I feel like a broken fucking record. I push the back door open and look to the spot where I left Macy. She’s gone. I feel bad that I just left her but I needed to cool off.

I catch Madison out of the corner of my eye and I stalk straight toward her. She’s walking down a hallway with Jay tugging her along. When I reach her, I grab her elbow and give a little tug.

“What the fuck?” Madison says whipping her head around.

Jay reaches toward his back but stops when he sees that it’s me. He was probably ready to pull his gun out.

Madison places a hand on his chest, “Go ahead in the room I’ll be right there,” she tells Jay.

Jay doesn’t say a word but stares me down before walking into the room.

I don’t let go of Madison’s arm, “I thought I told you to stay the fuck away from him, Madison. He’s bad fucking news and he’s going to fucking ruin you.”

She wrenches her arm back, “You need to mind your own business.”

I lean back against the wall, “You’re making a huge mistake. Leave with me.”

Madison looks conflicted for just a second like she wants to come with me but the corner of her lip raises. She steps past me and into the room with Jay without another word.

I bang the back of my head against the wall. “Fuck!” I yell. She shouldn’t be in there. I shouldn’t have let her go. I know what’s happening behind those doors. He’s gonna get her high, and then have his way with her then leave her there naked and exposed for anyone else who wants their chance with her. She’s gonna let him too because that’s what Madison does. It makes my stomach turn and I bet if Cash really knew, it would completely break him to know what she does and what guys do to his girl. If I were Cash, I wouldn’t be okay with this. There is no excuse, none. Even if the tables were turned and it was Macy, I wouldn’t let her self-destruct. Not like this.

I bang the back of my head again before storming out of the party and back to my empty room with my full bottle of whiskey.

When I arrive back at my dorm I slam the door shut and lock it, locking the world out. I can’t fucking take anything else. Trudging over to my bed, I sit down and run my hands through my hair. I can’t get the mental images of Madison and Jay together out of my mind. It’s fucked up. She’s fucked up. He’s fucked up. I’m fucked up.

Why can’t she just see how bad he is?

I pull open my desk drawer and pull out the bottle of whiskey I have hidden in there. Something drops to the floor but I don’t care right now. I need that burn. I need the numbness. Unscrewing the top, I take a pull directly from the bottle.

I put the bottle on the floor and reach behind me to pull my shirt off. It’s cool in here, the cinder block walls not offering much warmth but the whiskey does the trick. I toss my shirt on the floor and pick up the picture that fell out.

It’s Macy and me in Cannon Beach lying in the hammock where we spent most of our time when we were there. Just the two of us together. Macy’s face is slightly pink from spending the days playing around in the water. She has a hand placed on my cheek staring intently into my eyes.

I swallow hard trying to breathe in deep, easing the pain but nothing helps. My eyes burn like a motherfucker and I rub at them with the back of my hand.

“Fuck.” I reach down and take another swig, it does nothing but burn so I keep it up until the burn is suppressed and I feel numb.

I hold the picture so hard in my hand it starts to shake. Where did that girl go, the one who could never wipe the smile off her face? The one with the dreams bigger than life itself? The one with the master plan? That’s right. I fucked that all up. I killed our best friend. I ruined her dreams, wiped the smile off her face in a single moment, a night that hangs over our very existence three years later. I’ve ruined my dreams and the dreams of our friends. The fucked up thing is I continue to do it. I tried to stop. I laugh at myself. Who the fuck am I kidding? I didn’t try to stop, I don’t even want to. It’s the only way for me.

I have to get high and drunk to cope with this shell of a life I’ve created to keep the fucking voices and sounds quiet. It’s my survival. Macy doesn’t need or deserve that. She’s got too much going for her.

Time passes as I sit here and stare at the picture. Sometime later there is a knock on my door. I climb off the bed and go to open it. I know who it is even before opening the door. It’s Macy, she’s checking on me like she always does when I’m pissed the way I was at the party. She’s making sure I’m not still stuck in my own head with my thoughts. She wants to make sure I’m not going to do anything to harm myself, well, more than I already do.

She’s leaning against the door with her Ducks hoodie and yoga pants on with her hair up in some messy bun thing. I stare at her thinking how adorable she looks when she’s tired.

“What happened to you?” she asks, never making the attempt to come inside. She’s waiting to see what I’m going to do, how I’m going to react.