Surviving Regret (6 page)

“Goodies” by
Ciara comes on the radio and the rush of memories hits me right in the fucking stomach and I’m tossed back to the night of senior prom.

Why am I here? I don’t belong here.

Those people made me feel sick. I looked at them. Nothing fazed them. I hated how everyone was so happy and content with their lives. You know those dirty houses with the shingles all messed up on the roofs, gutters dangling, barely hanging on, where some punk kids threw rocks at the windows until they cracked, and the summer grass up to your knees? While just down the street are those flawless houses with the perfectly landscaped yards, freshly painted fences and expensive cars parked in the driveways? I was that roof on the forgotten house down the street. I was those broken shingles. I was that cracked window. I was that puddle that formed from the gutter hanging from the house. I was drowning, while she was that beautiful rose blooming in the rose garden down the street.

Macy’s eyes went wide when it dawned on her. It’s the song that was playing on the radio that night. I held her close to me in that moment when really I wanted to get the fuck out of here. All I heard was Alexa screaming and Macy and Madison crying hysterically. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw Madison run from the room. I looked around. Cash was talking with Coach Mitchel. He either was not paying attention to the music, which was nearly impossible or he’d chosen to tune it out as the memories of that night plague him as well.

Macy leaned back and looked up at me with tear- filled eyes, “Landon,” she took a shuddering breath. “Do you hear it?”

Goosebumps broke out across my body, she remembered that exact second of the night that changed our lives forever. She pictured the dark, visualized the scene of the accident and the horrific ending.

“I’ll be back,” I told Macy, not looking her in the eyes when I said it. I couldn’t, I was barely holding on right then. I knew if I looked at her and saw the pain I knew was there I’d lose it. Macy didn’t deserve that tonight.

I thought I knew where Madison had gone when she ran from the room; she was looking for an escape just like I was. After I checked some classrooms I came across the janitor’s closet.

I knocked on the door and after a few seconds it opened slowly and Madison was before me cast in the shadows. As I stepped into the closet and shut the door behind me the pungent smell from the weed she was smoking invaded my senses. Smoke floated between us, the constant ache seemed to fade just a little as I thought about taking a hit from the joint. The pain will never go completely away but it seemed manageable when I was drunk and high. Madison and I shared a bond that others didn’t. Or maybe it was guilt we shared that we simply confused in our minds as a bond? They didn’t cause the accident. We did. We were the two who caused everyone else’s pain.

The only way I could survive day-to-day was to smoke, to drink, to numb the sounds of that night away.

The bass of the hip-hop song pumped in the background. I smiled at Madison as I pushed off from the wall. Finally, everything was quiet and all I heard was the sound of our breathing. I swayed at first, I was drunk, numb, as usual. I twisted around and started dancing, shaking my ass to the beat of the music and chuckled. I was working it, doing the butterfly and all kinds of crazy shit. I fell backwards against the brooms when I tried to spin around once more losing my footing. Madison laughed so hard she snorted. It was exactly what I was trying to do. I needed us to forget about that night if even just for a few minutes. Every laugh those days counted, precious reminders as to who we should have been rather than the reality of who we were right now.

I stepped forward. My left hand reached out to touch Madison’s hips as she moved and brought her against me. She wasn’t mine to touch, but I did anyway, testing a boundary that should never be tested. I touched because it was what I wanted right then and there. Fuck everything but that moment. I knew what I was doing when I leaned in. She did too. You can’t tell me we didn’t know and have me believe you.

My mind faded, it was like looking through fog, trying to breathe in the thickest of smoke and see through the darkest of nights. I didn’t want to see right then. I wanted to be blind. Lock me in that broken down house. Make me lie on the floor. Make me cold. Make me anything but alive to feel the pain.

When I blinked, it was Macy with me and then it just as quickly faded back to Madison. I could have stopped right then and nothing would have changed. It was just a kiss. But what did I want? What did she want?

Madison gave me what I was looking for, the peace and quiet. She’d let me lie on that floor, hell she’d be lying right next to me. She didn’t ask for anything in return. Just let me take what I wanted in the moment to numb me.

Everything seemed different. It wasn’t the normal sweet tasting kiss. The high and alcohol was really messing with me. I wondered if Madison felt it too. She had to of. My tongue moved against hers. I grunted, pushed her small delicate body against the wall.

She groaned and pushed down against my leg harder. I gripped her ass in my hands, and raised her up so her legs were spread. Pressing forward, my erection dug into her. The newness, the anticipation, all of it sent a jolt through my body, a shiver I felt run down my spine. One I hadn’t felt in a while. We both gasped, her hands flew to my chest tugging at my tie and white dress shirt. I helped her out, my lips never breaking from hers.

“I have a condom… ” I whispered, gasping for breath.

Please don’t tell me to stop.

Don’t.

She didn’t say a word, her body started to shake. My hands fumbled to find the condom in my pocket but there wasn’t much hesitation on my part. She wasn’t stopping me either.

Some rationality hit me then.

Fuck. Stop, Landon. Don’t. Think of Macy. Think of Cash.

My body wouldn’t listen though. I wanted this. A way to cope. A way to forget for a second. I wanted to fuck her. I wanted to feel something besides the everyday feeling and I was sure this was the answer.

Madison’s body shook against me again. “Landon…” she pushed against my shoulders. I didn’t stop. Instead I pressed against her harder trying to make her see.

There was a click in the distance; my head turned as I looked over my shoulder and stepped away.

Alexa.

Fuck!

I was soaring but it quickly faded. I was burning until the ice water hit me. I was extraordinarily wrecked beyond forever. I was the blind man who crashed into everything without his walking stick. I lost the only little bit of light I had left of my shining star.

Wrecked.

Destroyed.

Shattered.

“Goddamn it!” I punched the wall and quickly pulled my pants up to go after Alexa. Madison followed behind me.

We ruined everything that was barely holding us up anymore.

Stepping out of the closet, we came face-t0-face with Alexa, Cash, and Macy. All was quiet for just a few seconds until it was so loud my ears felt like they were bleeding.

“I NEVER want to see you again, Madison!” Macy’s voice echoed through the hallway. “You’re no longer my fucking sister.”

My eyes settled on Macy’s when the severity of what we had done had set in. I’d broken her, what was left anyway. The tears streamed down her face, I did that. I put those tears in her eyes again. I thought that was the last straw with us. How much more could I break her? How many more times could I screw her life up? I looked down, my shirt was ripped and my tie was gone. My chin went to my chest, I fucked up royally, and I didn’t even have the balls to look her in the eyes. I didn’t mean to, I just wanted to forget for just a little bit. I saw that just those few minutes caused me to lose my light, my star, my last hope.

I looked to Cash, he was shaking his head. He blinked and stared at me. I hated the look he gave me. I touched his girl.
His.
Not mine. Our friendship shifted again and not in a good way.

Madison, who was standing beside me, took a deep breath; I could feel the trembling of her body from even a foot away. “We need to talk, Macy.”

“No.” Macy snapped. “Actually, we don’t need to talk because we’ve done nothing but talk these past four months yet nothing has changed. Nothing!”

Madison’s eyes flickered to Cash’s before she looked back to Macy. “I know, and I’m sorry! I know that I hurt you and I hate myself. Just tell me what I need to do. How can I fix this?”

Macy stared at her sister, one of her best friends, before she said, “You can’t! You can’t fix anything you’ve done!”

I slid down the wall I was leaning against, brought my knees up to my chest and dropped my head. Everything around me fell apart. I shut down, it was the only way.

I’ve lost all control.

I couldn’t deal any longer.

I ripped those gutters off that perfect house. I tore the door off the hinges, broke the windows, and set the grass on fire. I ripped every pedal off that beautiful rose leaving it broken and ugly just like the house.

She was right. We can’t fix anything we’ve done. Macy forgave me after that night as if it never happened. In reality, she forgave me before it even happened. That’s just Macy though. She wasn’t ready to lose the only piece of us we had left. I should have ended things right then and there between us but I couldn’t. I’m a selfish asshole. Deep down inside I need that girl more than I need my last breath.

A tapping on the window causes me to jump. I look around,
where am I
?
What the hell happened
? I hear the tapping again and I look to see what’s causing it.

Madison.

I roll the window down a little bit with a shaking hand, “Get in.” My heart is pounding from the flashback like I had been propelled back in time and then with the tapping at the window I had been jerked back into reality.

Madison walks around my truck and gets in. She rubs her hands together warming them up from the cool night.

Taking the bottle of whiskey out of my right hand, she examines it and shrugs before taking a swig. It’s quiet for a few minutes before she asks, “Have you seen her since the season started?”

She has this weird way of knowing where my mind is most of the time. Or maybe that it’s mostly on Macy these days and her guess is always right.

Twisting my head to look out the driver side window I see all the cars have emptied from the lot. “Yeah. I took her out the other night and I said I would tomorrow too.”

I face Madison as she nods, but she doesn’t look at me since she’s rolling a joint. I know it hurts that she doesn’t have her sister in her life anymore. Probably about as deep as it hurts that I don’t have Cash in mine. “What about you?”

“I haven’t seen her.” Madison looks at me curiously.

“I mean Cash. Have you seen him lately?” I wonder about what Saylor was talking about in the gym. I know they still see each other, and that it’s never public but I’m kind of curious. I want the two of them to work. I really do. Something from that night needs to stay the same.

“Yeah,” she laughs lightly bringing the joint she just rolled to her lips and tucking her long hair behind her ear with the other hand. “Before you played the Colonels, he showed up at my dorm for five mornings in a row before your morning practice.” I laugh because it makes sense now. Cash was an animal that week and playing like I’ve never seen him play before.

Madison and I don’t say much after that, neither of us needing to. The whiskey and joint doing its job and relaxing us to the point where nothing mattered.

September 20, 2013

After my second class lets out I text Macy and let her know I’m on my way to pick her up. We’re going to Macy’s favorite place, Pegasus Pizza, for lunch. I swear as tiny as she is she can practically put a whole pizza away herself.

I pull out front of her dorm just as she’s walking out of the door. Her ponytail swooshes behind her as she makes her way to the truck. Her hips sway just the way I like them. I bite on my bottom lip as she opens the door. We could have walked, it’s not far, but it’s started raining hard right now. Plus, I like that I get to be this close to her, to shut the rest of the world out, for just a few minutes and not feel guilty about it.

Macy’s warm perfume fills the truck and it takes everything in me not to pull her on my lap and take her right here and now. It’s been too long since we’ve been together last and my hand doesn’t seem to be doing the job anymore. I try not to let myself get too attached to the closeness that we seem to gravitate toward when we’re together so I keep her at an arm’s distance. She glances over at me shyly but with that little smirk on her face. She knows I’m turned on, she always seems to know. I guess that’s what happens when you have been with the same person for years.

I pull on her arm and bring her closer to me, “Give me a kiss.” I always make her take the lead, I never just do it. It’s my way of reassuring myself that we’re still okay.

She places a feather light kiss on my lips. She’s teasing me.
Okay, that’s fine.
Two can play this game.

“Baby,” I whisper as she rests her forehead on mine.

“Landon,” Macy says breathlessly.

I lick my lips and the tip of my tongue brushes against hers. She whimpers as I pull away teasing her.

Macy straightens herself then sticks her bottom lip out pouting.

I chuckle softly as I put the truck into drive. That’s all I am allowing myself to indulge in. I’m letting the mood simmer until it’s about to explode. The explosion could go either way landing us into a fight or a rip our clothes off situation. I’m praying for the second option but I wouldn’t be surprised if the first happens. It’s what I deserve for treating Macy the way I do. I wish she’d take the action I need her too but she never does. I need her to be strong for the both of us and walk away but maybe she’s not as strong as I think she is.