Stuff White People Like (31 page)

This is because lending out books is the only practical reason for white people to hold on to their entire collection. So by asking to borrow a copy, you are justifying their decision to save the book, allowing them to both introduce you to a new author and assert their status as a well-read individual. It is the perfect move.

But there are times when your visit to a white person’s house is not long enough for a full inspection of their bookshelves. How then can you gauge their taste? Simple, just look at the coffee table. You see, white people like to purchase very expensive, very large books that they can put on their coffee tables for other people to see and then use to make value judgments. If the coffee-table book is about art, then the white person wants you to ask them about their trip to the Tate Modern. If it’s about photography, they want you to ask them about their new camera. If it’s about football or bikinis, you should politely ask to leave.

So now that you know white people like books, you might assume that a book is the perfect gift. Not so fast. There are a few possible outcomes from giving books, and few of them end well. If you get a white person a book that they already have, the situation will be uncomfortable. If you get them a book that they do not want, you will be forever viewed as someone with poor taste in literature. In the event that you get them a book that they want and do not have, they are forced to recognize that they have not read it, which instantly paints you as a threat. There is no way to win when you give a book to a white person.

139 Music Festivals

Imagine spending three days in a tent, but instead of being surrounded by nature you are surrounded by mud, oppressive heat, loudspeakers, and thousands of white people swaying with their eyes closed. Many people would call this “hell,” “a nightmare that won’t end,” or “some sort of sci-fi zombie scenario that is worse than anything we could ever imagine.” White people call this a “music festival” and will pay large amounts of money for the experience.

These events play an important part in white culture, as they provide both an excuse for travel and an excuse for using outrageous amounts of recreational drugs. If a white person tells you that they are going to a music festival, push a little further into their plans and you will discover that they have spent weeks acquiring different drugs and doing Internet research to find out how to best combine them. They will also be happy to tell you their exact inventory: “We got four hits of Ecstasy, an ounce of ’shrooms, an ounce of weed, an eight ball of coke, ten hits of blotter acid, all sorts of pills, and some GHB to help come down. I think it should be enough.”

These drugs are necessary because the sheer size of the festival means that the majority of people in attendance will be watching everything on large screens near the stage. So, to make that clear, white people are paying for the right to watch large televisions with other white people through obnoxiously loud speakers.

Before you start talking to anyone about a music festival you have to understand that your choice of festival defines the type of white person that you are. Type A people who regularly attend festivals like Glastonbury or Roskilde are more into European music, which often means electronic. They will be bringing more Ecstasy to the show. Type B people attend Bonnaroo and are into jam bands and will likely have beards, sandals, and an abundance of psychedelic mushrooms and acid. Type C people prefer Coachella and are passionate about indie rock; they will likely be bringing antidepressants and water bottles to the event. It is acceptable to confuse types A and C but
never
confuse type B with type A or C. Everyone will be offended.

Do not under any circumstances attend one of these festivals.

140 Glasses

As white people get older they attempt to construct their “look” much in the same way they construct a Mii avatar on the Nintendo Wii. Since many white people look alike, they are desperate to find ways to have a distinctive look. Some try complex facial hair or wild haircuts, but these require rather long-term commitments and are not always welcome at nonprofit organizations or film-festival offices. The easiest way for a white person to express their individuality and uniqueness is through their choice of glasses.

Aren’t there white people who don’t wear glasses? You might have to double-check that they are the right kind of white people. Or it must just be a “contact day,” which white people are permitted to have from time to time.

The right choice of eyewear can tell the world that you are well read (your eyes have deteriorated from too many late nights at the library), have good taste in music, and do not care that the world perceives you as a nerd. Because of this, white people need to find glasses that are rare and unique, but at the same time made of thick plastic frames in either black or brown. These strong frames force people to recognize that the white person is wearing glasses and to acknowledge their intelligence. Glasses that appear invisible, or at least are not prominent, are seen as inferior, since they do not demand recognition and often blend in with the face.

Because of the relative difficulty in finding such a unique item, it is never a good idea to ask a white person where they got their glasses. This is because they are extremely fearful of other white people wearing the same kind. It’s hard to describe how much of a big deal this is. There used to be stories about how primitive tribes would not allow photographs, which they feared would steal their souls. Well, when another white person buys and wears your style of glasses, it’s sort of the same thing.

If you are ever searching for a neutral compliment for a white person, it’s always a good idea to say, “I like your glasses.” This will make them feel great about themselves, but won’t make them feel as though you are hitting on them.

141 McSweeney’s

McSweeney’s is one of the most powerful forces in white culture. It is a literary magazine–publishing house that is so powerful that just knowing about it (not even reading it) is enough to gain the respect of white people.

It was founded in 1998 by white-person hero Dave Eggers as a literary magazine that only published work that had been rejected by other publications. It became very popular very quickly and soon expanded into multiple magazines, DVD magazines, and a publishing division.

There is a steady group of writers who regularly contribute to the magazine and eventually write books for the imprint. These writers form a very special crew, and are all very respected within the white community. Some are more successful than others, and they don’t let just anybody into the group. In fact, it’s sort of like the Wu-Tang Clan for white people.

In the same way that Method Man or the RZA can act in movies and release solo albums without taking away from their affiliation with the group, many McSweeney’s writers are able to do solo projects away from the core group. This includes some who are regular contributors to NPR (Sarah Vowell) and
The Daily Show
(John Hodgman). Aside from Eggers, these are considered to be ultimate-level white people who set the standard for the rest of the community.

There are a number of ways to use this information. First, being able to discuss something you read in
McSweeney’s
is considered highly desirable in both a friend and a mate. But there remains a move in white culture so unprecedented and powerful that only a few have dared attempt it. You see,
McSweeney’s
is a very expensive magazine and does not lend itself well to gift subscriptions. But if you can afford the expense, a gift subscription to
McSweeney’s
is a finishing move in your pursuit of white friendship. Even if it’s only for one year, you have bought yourself a year of favors, rides, and free dinners.

142 Hardwood Floors

When white people envision their perfect home, it always has hardwood floors. In fact, most white people would prefer a dirt floor over wall-to-wall carpeting, because to them it would have the same level of cleanliness and probably fewer germs.

White people are petrified of germs, and when they look at a carpet all they can see is everything that has ever been spilled, tracked in, or shaken loose into the carpet fibers. But more disgusting to white people is that wall-to-wall carpeting reminds them of suburban homes, motel rooms, and the horrible apartments that they have visited or lived in over the years. It has no soul. Only germs.

Hardwood floors, on the other hand, are easily cleaned and give a sense of character to a place, since they are often the original flooring in older buildings. It is a well-known white fantasy to purchase a home or apartment that has disgusting carpet and then to pull it up to reveal a beautiful hardwood floor underneath. If you can tell a similar story to white people it will give them hope that they can one day find a run-down home and turn it into a modern masterpiece of interior design. This is highly recommended.

Oddly enough, in spite of their hatred for wall-to-wall carpeting, white people all love rugs.

143 Bakeries

If you’re driving through an empty neighborhood at night and need to determine if it’s a white neighborhood, the fastest way to do so is to look for a fancy bakery. The presence of one such bakery signifies that you are in a rapidly gentrifying white neighborhood, while two means you likely cannot afford a place there, and three means that it is safe for white children.

Using the finest organic ingredients and offering both gluten-free and vegan alternatives, the modern bakery has come to define the white neighborhood. It is a source of pride, inspiration, and cupcakes.

When a white person brings a dessert from their local bakery to a dinner party, they are doing much more than just bringing food. They are bringing their neighborhood, their newly renovated home, and their sense of superiority. Bringing a delicious local treat says “Look at me, look at what my neighborhood produces. It’s organic, it’s authentic, it’s delicious, it’s all that is me. Did you get those cookies at Costco?”

The bakery also inspires hope in white people. Many of them dream of quitting their 9 to 5 job and opening a small bakery within walking distance of their home. In this little shop they will listen to excellent music and provide the community with the proper nourishment to help fight childhood obesity and raise property values.