Stranger and Stranger (24 page)

Dude, I soooooo miss my skills. Would skate the stuffing out of this place!!!!

Anyway, Binary Larry skated for an hour or so while I spied. (His technique is tolerably good, I guess.) And then he left the skate park. And skated to Venus Fang Fang’s house, let himself in, and went to his room. It wasn’t until then that I finally recognized
the family resemblance.

Yep.

Binary Larry is Venus Fang Fang’s SON.

OBVIOUSLY he is A) not as doofy as he seems, and B) quite possibly as talented at deception as his mother! And OBVIOUSLY, she is using him to keep me from getting into the supersecret sewer!!!

What is she hiding in there?

Will do my best to find out tomorrow.

Later

Back at home. EvilOne was nowhere around, so I took the opportunity to get Raven to move the huge antique birdcage down to the basement. I will barricade myself down here tonight and (hopefully) sleep in some kind of comfort and safety. EvilOne seems preoccupied with Project Popularity, so maybe I’m OK for now.

June 28

Have talked to Venus Fang Fang about Binary Larry. It went a little bit like this:

M
E
: So, Venus Fang Fang. I found out about Binary Larry being your son.

V
ENUS
F
ANG
F
ANG
: Oh yas. Larry told me the two of you paint togather.

M
E
:…Oh. And…you know WHERE we paint?

VFF: The sewars, I believe?

M
E
: Yeah. Um…I don’t really have any follow-up remarks at this time.

VFF: Very wall. Let’s get on with your endurance training. You’re a lattle soft.

SIGH! Clearly I did not have control over that conversation. Maybe tomorrow I will have the nerve to ask her straight out what the two of them are hiding in the super secret sewer. It’s just not in me today.

Later

I am no longer worried about EvilOne killing me. Venus Fang Fang’s training is sure to do the job first.

On the
bright
dark side, I get to graduate from daytime to nighttime very soon. Venus Fang Fang is a cruel sensei, but I can’t help but admire her brilliance in training me on deadly sunshine first. If I can perform under conditions as adverse as daylight, imagine what I’ll be able to accomplish in the lovely dark!

Later

Have had excellent chat with Venus Fang Fang. It started when I said something gloomy and threatening about EvilOne, and continued a little something like this:

V
ENUS
F
ANG
F
ANG
: Now, chald. Your saster seemed nice. She became good friends with Viscer when she was walking him every day.

M
E
: Oh yeah? She…was friends…with your dog.

VFF: Samthing wrong?

M
E
: Just a little…brain hemorrhaging is all.

VFF: Look here, Jamily. I can understand hastility toward your twin. What is not making sense is the note of stunned disbelief I’m picking up. Why would it sarprise you that she enjoyed walking my dog? Is this the first sammer you’ve spent with her?

M
E
:…You’re not the dumbest adult I’ve ever met, Venus Fang Fang.

VFF: Wall, thank you. You’re not the dumbest chald I’ve met. Now do you want to answer my quastion?

M
E
: No, because you wouldn’t believe the answer.

VFF: I may sarprise you. I am so good at telling the dafference between truth and lie, I may as well be psychic.

M
E
: Um, I hate to contradict you, but you just said my saster, er, sister, seemed “nice.” I’m afraid she’s got you pretty well bamboozled.

VFF: Indaeed. I did say she
SEEMED NICE.

M
E
: [Slowly gaining small hope of being understood.] Oh…kay. So then I guess you won’t have a problem believing that until twenty days ago I was an only child, and that I accidentally duplicated myself using a device I built from items found in a junk-shop Dumpster?

VFF:….….….….….….….………[Chewing on this.]….….….….……[Clearly deciding to believe it.]….….….….….….…………[Against all odds.]…. You ARE an interasting chald.

M
E
: Also, my duplicate got all my skateboarding, lying, booby-trapping, and booby-trap-evading skills, and left me with crying spells, nose-picking, a crippling need for feline affection, and a self-esteem problem.

VFF: That axplains…Naver mind. If it makes you feel
any batter, no one should have been able to get through my fence alarm.

M
E
: Awww…no offense, Venus Fang Fang, but that’s kid stuff. I mean, your alarm was the best I’ve seen, but I DO practice.

VFF: You don’t understand what I’m rally telling you, because you have no idea just whose yard you broke into. I happen to be the world’s foremost axpert in tradecraft for covert operations.

M
E
: [That…is…so…cool…] Fancy that.

VFF: And when I say no one should have been able to get through, I mean that my most phenomenally talented student, a stanningly good-looking thirty-seven-year-old prafessional defyer of death and mocker of defenses, tested it for me. HE couldn’t get through it, but YOU, a tharteen-year-old with no formal training, got through in fafteen minutes…I don’t invite just anyone to practice in my abstacle garden. I think YOU have samthing worth developing.

M
E
: Huh…[OK. Feeling slightly better about self.] So why doesn’t it look like you’ve trained anyone here in, I don’t know, fourteen years?

VFF: Wall, I’m actually retired. I had to stop because of the blood already on my hands.

M
E
: [Thinking back to my last burger.] I know how you feel.

VFF: And I vowed to stop creating killars.

M
E
: Venus Fang Fang?

VFF: Yes, Jamily?

M
E
: First thing is, I hate being called Jamily, so could you cut that out? Second thing, the highest respect I can show you is the truth, which is that the girl you know as Emily is evil beyond belief and must be eliminated before she murders me, my mother, or my golem. Third, I seem to have lost some of my key skills in defeating the enema, er, enemy, so can you train me to defeat her if I promise there will be no killing?

VFF: Can you pramise there will be no violence at all?

M
E
: Sure, as long as your next sentence does not mention hugging and/or learning…Oh, and fourth, what’s your deal with violence?

I let myself in for it there, for real. Had to endure an hour-long lecture, which boiled down to the fact that Venus Fang Fang has
had some bad, bad experiences with violence, none of which (unfortunately) she would describe in detail for me. But clearly she has strong personal evidence that violence is, like, really bad. So, bless her heart, she retired from the spy business when Young Larry was born, and has spent the past fourteen years fine-tuning her philosophy of defeating the enemy through non-violent means.

And so, as my first task, she wants ME to stop all fisticuffs with EvilOne. Chaaaaa! She thinks I’M the guilty one??????

Later

Have looked back at journal entries and clearly I AM the guilty one. As evidenced by the scuffle of June 14. Why would any reasonably badass defyer of death and mocker of defenses go and punch someone in the face WHILE MOSTLY PARALYZED??????? That’s just…not bright. Oh, and let’s also refer to the tussle of June 22, which I instigated by kicking my double with MY FULLLEG CAST. Am disappointed in self at the moment.

Later

Note to self: If I am ever in need of self-worth again, should remind myself that Venus Fang Fang, world’s foremost spy trainer, wants to train ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

June 29

Am getting less soft. Spent a lot of time working on endurance in the abstacle garden. Have not yet met the goal Venus Fang Fang set for me. Need to shave another three minutes off my time. Maybe tomorrow. Finally we moved on to Locks 101. I picked every lock on Venus Fang Fang’s practice door; then replaced each one with a new lock of my own design. She told me it was a good effort and cracked all five of my locks in one minute flat.