Stranger and Stranger (23 page)

M: Hey, come on, remember what we promised the neighbors about screaming?

Cannot BELIEVE this!!!! I don’t see how she can love that evil thing! I mean, this is a girl who watches with pleasure while the cats torment small creatures in the yard. I/We didn’t used to be like that. A month ago, I would have rescued the mouse/snake/ cockroach, doctored its wounds (or reanimated it as some kind of unholy golem, if I’d been too late), and released it into the wild. And scolded the cats. Now their torture sessions drag on and end tragically while EvilOne stands by, totally absorbed in the cruel spectacle. And I’ve read enough stories of true crime to know the signs of a future serial killer when I see them.

OK. Well, serial killer or not, she’s a vile creature without merit and I can’t believe Mom loves her!!!!!!!!!!!!

Although. OK. To be totally honest, I have been feeling more and more like I am a sappy spineless creature without merit. And Mom said she loves me too.

Although to be TOTALLY honest I really don’t think she sounded as sincere about the whole loving either of us thing as she used to before we got duplicated.

Later

Have done some research and filled Great-Aunt Millie’s shoe box with almond blossoms, ectoplasmic white goo, red feathers, and a bar of Ivory soap.

Am exhausted by hard daytime labor and emotional night. Going to bed. In the sewer.

June 26

If I may add one more terrible thing about my punishment at Venus Fang Fang’s house, it’s that it takes place during daylight hours. Am sleep-deprived and sick to death of the sun.

However, on the plus side, I have cunningly directed the topic of Venus Fang Fang’s unrelenting monologue toward defeating one’s enema enemy. If she is surprised to hear me asking lots of
questions after yesterday’s four sentences, she is not letting on. Have not told her why I want to know, specifically. And, MAN, she knows a lot. For example, she very casually told me a little-known refinement on recruiting false-flag agents, how to break a common sleeper hold with both hands tied, and some of the finer points of coercion, extortion, and blackmail.

It’s sounding like she may actually, in her youth, back in the day, have been involved in the training of spies, or something like that. Hence the incredible obstacle course in her backyard. Am pondering how I could possibly sign myself up for some kind of spy training with her. Well, one more day of painting to go, so I’d better come up with an idea pronto.

Later

Saw a fairly disturbing spectacle on my way home: a bunch of teens all wearing black, walking single file down the street. There was something very…I don’t know, just OFF about them, so I snuck around in front of them and hid so I could watch them closely as they passed. Can safely say I do not think they have been cured. These were NOT your average mournful teens, mad at the world because they spent a little time in a mental hospital. For starters, they all seemed
to have the same distinct body language, and were slinking along in this kind of defiant-aggressive-cocky-yet-zombie-like manner. Also, they’d all cut the sleeves off their shirts, making a sort of uniform effect. Ugh! I’ve seen teens suffer from the crushing need to be like their friends, but I’ve never seen it look so creepy!!

Should really get that antidote made!!!!!

Later—nighttime

Ate dinner with Mom and EvilOne. We barely spoke. Tension was high. Afterward, I ran down to the basement without proper caution for booby traps and got a mouthful of spiderwebs as my reward. GUH! I will be spitting for the next week!! Tried to think of a foolproof barrier to keep EvilOne out for a bit while I checked on Great-Aunt Millie, but ended up just pushing
a chair in front of the door.

Anyway. All of the almond blossoms, ectoplasmic white goo, and red feathers are gone, and Great-Aunt Millie is looking slightly more energetic. Ivory soap is still there. It has a single bite mark on it. Am assuming it was not to Great-Aunt Millie’s tastes. Am removing it.

Am reconsidering keeping Great-Aunt Millie down here in the basement, considering I don’t have the booby-trapping skills to keep her safe from EvilOne. I guess I will have to take her to the only truly secure place I know.

Later

Am in the sewer. Have informed Great-Aunt Millie that this will have to be her home until I can neutralize the danger of EvilMe.

Brought better equipment with me this time, and quickly X-rayed all the west walls before Binary Larry showed up—right on time, ten minutes after me. Will develop the films at home…Assuming EvilOne is not around, that is.

Later—back at home

EvilOne was nowhere in sight, giving me plenty of time to review the X-rays. Frabbling jellyjars!!!! There is ANOTHER secret sewer behind the one I know about. Binary Larry clearly intends to prevent me from finding it. But WHY? Must get some alone time down there so I can break through.

June 27

Venus Fang Fang surprised the cheeks off me today when I showed up. First, the fence has been completely painted!! She admits to hiring a handyman to finish my work!!!! And now she is asking me what I think about commuting the rest of my sentence to time in what she calls her “abstacle garden.” Have been cool about it. Curbed my enthusiasm and told her calmly that I would be OK with that. Am sitting outside waiting for her to change into her trainer’s gear. Contrary to appearances, am very excited.

Before!

FOREVER Later

Am on break from dire torment in the abstacle garden. Venus Fang Fang began my training with a request that I “take off that sally cast” and not wear it again in her presence. Note to self: No use hiding anything from Venus Fang Fang. She is mistress of deception, and I am hardly at the top of my game. Also, she appears to think I have some kind of behavior problem that is in need of rough treatment. Today has been like one of those terrible tough-love rehab camps,
without the love. She has been putting me through brutally hard paces in broad sunlight. Am wearing heavy protective gear.

Clearly I should have been more careful about her early impression of me. Would be much further along with her if I’d cultivated more of a delicate flower persona. Would like to get a look at her personal library, for example. Have not been invited inside at all, and I suspect I have some dues to pay before that happens.

Later

HAVE FOUND BINARY LARRY’S SKULL BUTTON.

IN THE MUD OF VENUS FANG FANG’S ABSTACLE GARDEN.

Will have to interrogate him tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After!

Later

Have been hanging out in the semi-secret sewer, painting halfheartedly on my mural while trying to plot my strategy with Binary Larry. This whole not-being-able-to-lie thing has put me at an unwelcome disadvantage. Will just have to see where instinct takes me.

Later

Have spoken with Binary Larry. Here’s how it went:

B
INARY
L
ARRY
: Sup, Emily, your mural is shaping up wicked!

M
E
: Sup. Found your button.

BL:…Whoa.

M
E
: Whoa, indeed. It was in Venus Fang Fang’s abstacle, er, obstacle garden.

BL: [Gulping, turning red, and feebly attempting lies.] Who?…Oh, her. Oh, uh, you know her?

M
E
: [Experimentally.] You know I do.

BL: No…what…I…how…

M
E
: You should ask her for some lessons in deception, dude. You’re…not good.

BL: I have to go now.

AhHhhahhahah!

Will follow him and see what I can discover.

Later

Brain is hemorrhaging slightly.

I tracked Binary Larry as he left the secret sewer. First he went out to the skate park, which I have not visited in weeks,
and which now sports a wicked series of ramps, pipes, twisting rails, and mazelike tunnels. I recognized my own carpentry style right away. Well, that explains what EvilOne’s been up to. Also, it explains why the local teens thought it might be possible to hold a skate rally in Silifordville. Seriously, kids really ARE going to come from all over for THIS.