Stranger and Stranger (25 page)

Also, to supplement my growing skills, Venus Fang Fang has called in an expert on devices. Her name is Queenie Kew. I find her tedious and have had to forbid her to explain how her devices work. At least that way I can enjoy them for a couple minutes. Their real, intended functions may not cause them to spectacularly self-destruct like the functions I invent for them,
but flatting bugrits, hearing Queenie Kew explain ANYTHING makes me so tired.

Some of Queenie Kew’s devices post-Me

Next came a crash course in Advanced Empathy. Venus Fang Fang says that I have all the mechanical abilities I need to make (or defuse) excellent booby traps, but that I’m clueless when it comes to predicting what the enemy will do next, which is critical to primo booby-trapping skills. So, my lameness with booby traps essentially stems from my inability to understand the enemy. I can feel that, all right. I definitely don’t understand EvilOne. Submitted to two hours of emotionally draining empathy practice. Am glad it’s over.

It’s OK, though. I need the help. I KNOW I used to be good at this stuff. Blast EvilOne for taking my skills!!!! Hanging out with Venus Fang Fang and Queenie Kew is painful but necessary, in the way that relearning to walk after breaking every bone in your body is painful but necessary.

In other news, I caught myself with my finger up my nose three times today.

Later—back at home

Came home real pooped tonight, but AT LEAST I did not race upstairs to my bedroom with no thought for booby traps. Was able to detect and defuse a stink bomb inside the doorknob. Am extremely proud of self and grateful to Venus Fang Fang. When I finally, safely opened the door, EvilOne looked up expectantly at me through her gas mask, then glowered when she saw there
was no stinky cloud. We said nothing. I grabbed some bedding and went to sleep in the birdcage.

June 30

Venus Fang Fang says I am racing through the basic levels of espionage tradecraft and making her pull out her best tricks. Am feeling self-worthy again.

Tonight she analyzed my night vision. I can distinguish sixty-seven more shades of gray than the average person. It seems my eyes just have more rods than most people’s do. Who knew? Anyway, she says we can stick to night work from now on. YESSSSSSSSSSS. I am back to sleeping days.

Later

Excellent night of training. Am feeling much better equipped to take on EvilOne. Here are a few of the best lessons Venus Fang Fang has taught me:

1. Winning arguments while making it seem like you’re resolving differences.
   
2. Developing a very sensitive nose for traps, tricks, double crosses, and deception of many kinds.
   
3. Thinking up and implementing traps, tricks, double crosses, and deception that will be undetectable by your enemy because of her hidden psychological weaknesses.
   
4. Cobbling together said traps and tricks in a pinch using common household objects.
   
5. Ferreting out said hidden psychological weaknesses in your enemy.
   
6. Making allies and cultivating their willingness to do you favors.
   
7. Developing your powers of intuition and persuasion. (Though the way Venus Fang Fang does it, it’s more like ESP and mind control.)
   
8. Wiring, splicing, soldering, gauging, calibrating…I am already an advanced student in this department, but Venus Fang Fang does have some nice techniques that I’ve picked up.
   
9. Creating superior diversions.
   
10. Disguising oneself effectively. (We have not covered accents. Accents are not one of Venus Fang Fang’s strengths.)
    
11. Speedy maneuvering through fiendishly difficult abstacle gardens.
    
12. Surviving in wilderness settings. (A wilderness-survival arena is one of the many large areas in her massive backyard.)
    
13. Avoiding physical confrontations.
    

Later

Have learned from Queenie Kew that Venus Fang Fang is not only the world’s foremost expert on spy training, but is also renowned for inventing the spy diaper. This is a little item a spy wears on extended stakeouts, or long interrogations, or whenever it would be counterstrategic to take a bathroom break. Was pleasantly appalled by the thought, and clearly it showed on my face.

Q
UEENIE
K
EW
: Don’t give her THAT look when she offers you one. She’ll be terribly ansal—er, insulted.

M
E
: [Now UNpleasantly appalled.] Why’s she going to offer ME a spy diaper?

QK: Because she’s PROUD of it! And as a token of her esteem! Come on, you’ve had SOME empathy training! What are you, new?

M
E
: Oh. Right. [Secretly planning to diplomatically turn down offers of the spy diaper.]

Note: Spy Diaper = great name for…the right kind of band.

Later

Bad stuff! Very bad stuff!

Venus Fang Fang had left me with Queenie Kew for a refresher course on Advanced Explosives, and when she came back there was an ominous expression on her face. She took me aside for a chat and the news was not good. Not good at all. It seems that Binary Larry was at the skate park earlier tonight, and EvilOne (AKA November December, who as far as he knows is ME) was brutally mean to him. He will not tell his mother what was said, but apparently he left the park in deep shame. Venus Fang Fang knows it was not me, but is a great believer in letting chaldren (not to mention spies-in-training) work out their problems on their own, and thought it best to let me explain it to him myself. Great. What fun it will be convincing Binary Larry that I have an evil twin. Really should have cleared this up before now.

He was refusing to answer any of his mother’s knocks on his door, so I said my goodbyes and went straight to the sewer in hopes he would show up. No sign of him!! I spent the rest of the night working on my mural. I think it’s done, finally. And it’s definitely beautiful, though possibly lacking an ounce or two of heart/soul/dark power/aching haunting depth/etc. At least I can take a small (very small) consolation in reflecting that this is MUCH better than anything EvilOne could produce. Although…I can’t help thinking that if I had just a drop of her evil, my mural would be the better for it.

Interesting!

Later

Have been to the skate park for some spying. Hobbling lintcakes!!!! Things are not all fun and games with EvilOne’s popularity power play. I now understand the sinister body language and ripped-off sleeves I witnessed on those teens four days ago. Their
outfits
uniforms have progressed into something all too recognizable.

So. It wasn’t enough that she warped their minds with our Strangeness, but now she has to zombify them into DRESSING like us? And perform synchronized skateboarding routines at her bidding?

Am filled with eXtreme horror at this scene.

Will fix things here if it’s the last thing I do!

Later—daylight—in treehouse—half asleep

Have just woken myself up with the realization that—OK—clearly I’ve completely forgotten that Venus Fang Fang is Mistress of Deception! If her training has accomplished nothing else, it
has given me a severe case of hero worship, distracting me from whatever is hidden in the super secret sewer. I should have spent all those unsupervised hours last night inspecting the west walls for ways in, and I didn’t even think about it!!!!