Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals (18 page)
Read Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals Online
Authors: Jeffery Self
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A wet T-shirt contest is an exhibitionist competition where Heterosexual Females wear white or light-colored T-shirts with nothing underneath, and allow someone to pour water on them, causing the shirts to cling to their exposed breasts, and feminists everywhere to roll over in their hypothetical graves. A team of judges, or the crowd’s reaction, will determine who wins. I’ve never been to a wet T-shirt contest, and it ranks on my list of Things I Never Want to See, just after World War III and Kevin James without pants on.
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A blacksmith is an old-time profession whereby one creates objects out of steel or wrought iron, which, in modern times, is often confused with Will Smith, an African-American actor who just so happens to have the last name
Smith
.
H
ETEROSEXUALS
,
LIKE ALL OTHER MEMBERS OF THE ANIMAL
kingdom, love to eat. But the only difference is that Heterosexuals
really
love to eat. I’m talking
eat
. E.A.T. All-you-can-eat-baby-backribs-at-Chili’s-with-two-pitchers-of-margaritas-and-a-pound-of-bean-dip kind of eat.
Ever heard of Thanksgiving? It’s my favorite holiday and guess what? It comes from the genius minds of Heterosexuals. Why? To give thanks and all that crap, but more importantly to eat more in one meal than one human being should eat in the entire month of November. Heterosexuals have done the same thing with Christmas and the Fourth of July. Basically any holiday where you spend all day eating and celebrating is because of Heterosexuals. So the next time you spot a Heterosexual, remember to say thank-you.
It’s not just the holidays that the Heterosexuals have turned into food feasts; Heterosexuals are the people who thought up all-you-can-eat buffets, bottomless salads and breadsticks at
Olive Garden, and cake pops (for the Heterosexual on the go who loves cake, but is too busy to spend all that time slicing a piece, finding a fork, and consuming all that icing).
They even created an entire TV channel called the Food Network where, no matter what time of day you turn it on, there is always a British gay guy or a heavyset woman telling you about some sort of delicious food treat that is meant to make the mouths of Heterosexuals water. The Food Network is the closest thing to porn that the giant fat guy from
Lost
is going to get.
Before we begin exploring the feeding patterns of the Heterosexual, it is important to understand that not
all
Heterosexuals enjoy an evening spent eating the kind of greasy food that requires a bib, two Zantacs, and a stent put in one’s heart. Far from it, the feeding patterns of Heterosexuals are as wide a variety as the T-shirt colors sold at American Apparel, but if you ask me, there’s nothing more annoying than a Heterosexual health nut.
However, I’m getting ahead of myself. Within the Heterosexual community, there are both carnivores and herbivores, and everything in between. I grew up in a carnivorous household, as my dad worked and still works in the poultry industry. My dad is fine with my being an internationally beloved gay icon of stage and screen, he’s fine with his hippie daughter, and he’s fine with both of us being bleeding-heart liberals, but I think if either one of us came home and announced we had become vegetarians, he’d literally fall over dead, or at the very least politely ask us to leave and never come back.
Many Heterosexuals, both carnivores and herbivores alike, consider themselves
foodies
, a term created by Heterosexuals with no real hobbies to speak of other than eating. Calling themselves
foodies
gives them an excuse to spend $400 for a dinner consisting of foods they can’t pronounce.
The following 10 food items are the most popular among the Heterosexual species, other than birthday cake, but everybody loves birthday cake (except for people who prefer pie and Jehovah’s Witnesses). If you come into contact with a hungry Heterosexual, provide him/her with one of the dishes on the next page.
The Top 10 Most Popular Heterosexual Foods
1. Their mom’s recipe for spaghetti sauce:
Even when Heterosexuals aren’t Italian, they always swear their mom’s spaghetti sauce is the best there is. However, I hate to break it to you, but my mom’s is the best—and I’m not even a Heterosexual.
2. Soul Food (a.k.a. food made famous and delicious by black people):
Heterosexuals
love
to drive to parts of their towns they normally don’t go to and eat deliciously greasy foods cooked up by some of the greatest African-American cooks in the country whom no one will ever hear of until somebody gives them a reality show.
3. Potatoes:
Whether fried or baked, we all know Heterosexuals
love
potatoes. (Just look at what happened to them in Ireland during the Great Potato Famine. Spoiler alert: It was
not
good.)
4. Coconut water:
Ever since Rihanna started telling Heterosexuals to drink coconut water, they simply can’t stop, which marks the first and only time Heterosexuals will ever do what Rihanna tells them to do.
5. Hot wings:
I’ll get into this in just a little bit, but it is too important not to mention more than once.
6. Popsicles:
Everyone’s parents keep them in the house, but no one’s parents
ever
comment on how suggestive it is to watch someone actually eat one. And so it should always remain.
7. Chinese takeout:
Based solely on what I’ve seen in movies and TV, Heterosexuals
always
eat Chinese takeout on the floor of their new homes any time they move into new houses or apartments. Think about every scene where a Heterosexual has just moved into a new place in any movie in the history of time, and then you will understand exactly what I’m talking about.
8. Pizza:
Most commonly eaten in the middle of the night when Heterosexuals are too intoxicated to remember.
9. Hot dogs:
Whether it’s at a baseball game, in someone’s backyard BBQ, or at a Nathan’s in their local mall, no Heterosexual carnivore can turn down a delicious hot dog. Or its cousin, the corn dog, which is just a hot dog dipped in batter and fried to a crisp. When I was a kid, I used to tell my peers that my dad invented the breakfast corn dog (a link sausage dipped in pancake batter and fried), but this was just a lie that didn’t succeed in helping me become popular.
10. And finally (and most importantly) Oreos:
Arguably the greatest thing to come from Heterosexuals since Levi blue jeans or Brad Pitt’s abs in
Fight Club
. Hey, I said
arguably
.
The high sales of meat, the existence of heart disease, what my poultry-obsessed father has told me, and scientific studies all show that the majority of Heterosexuals are carnivorous creatures. These Heterosexuals enjoy the lush tastes of chicken, beef, pork, and, if the Heterosexual eats at expensive restaurants and/or is Chinese, duck. Here are some of the most popular dishes among Heterosexual Carnivores.
Who doesn’t love a cheeseburger? Well, Alicia Silverstone,
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for one, but that’s because she’s a communist (just kidding; she’s just annoying
and
a vegan, but we’ll get to that later). It is a proven fact that nothing makes a Heterosexual Male feel more like a man than grilling these delicious beef patties in the backyard on a hot summer day. Popular among Frat Boys (
page 47
), Married Couples (
page 38
), and the actor John Goodman.
Quite possibly the most Heterosexual of all foods, jerky is a deliriously lean meat, cut into strips, and then dried to prevent spoilage. One could argue that jerky is simply meat after undergoing an autopsy, however, I beg to differ. Jerky is one of my favorite snacks and can be prepared with beef, pork, chicken, and even deer meat. One Christmas, my cousin Hal was really excited because he’d gotten a jerky machine from Santa; I was equally excited, but because Santa had brought me a VHS copy of Stephen Sondheim’s
Into the Woods
and a 100 percent Lycra Elvis costume and wig. Guess which one of us grew up to be a Heterosexual?
If you’ve woken up in a Heterosexual’s house on a Saturday morning, then, first of all, how did you get there and are you OK?! And second of all, you’ve probably smelled bacon. Heterosexuals have a ritual within their feeding pattern that if they’re at home on a Saturday morning, they will without a doubt make bacon in a skillet while they watch Saturday morning cartoons. I can’t explain why; I can only say I approve.
If you’ve ever had dinner with a Heterosexual at a chain restaurant such as Applebee’s or Chili’s, then you’ve undoubtedly enjoyed an appetizer sampler. This dish, created by food-loving Heterosexuals, is a platter of delicious pre-entrée treats, such as
fried chicken wings, French fries, egg rolls, fried wontons, and one of the most impressive Heterosexual inventions to date: the mozzarella stick. Leave it to the Heterosexuals to come up with frying cheese.
Brilliant
. Speaking of cheese . . .
Now, you might be questioning my inclusion of this in the carnivorous category, however, no self-respecting Heterosexual has ever ordered nachos without adding beef or chicken. Nachos are a great Heterosexual food because you can whip them up in a hurry. Say you open your front door to find three of your closest straight friends having arrived unannounced. Whip up some nachos and open a couple cans of whatever beer your dad left in your fridge when he was visiting last December, then sit back as the Heterosexuals enjoy.
Have you ever had chicken potpie made by anyone other than a Straight Person? I didn’t think so.
Gravy is a gooey sauce that is either brown or off-white. I’m including that here because it is usually served on top of a meat (and sometimes biscuits). I am not sure where gravy comes from, and, to be honest, I don’t think I want to. Mainly because it’s something I’ve enjoyed for so long and something I can only assume is 1,000 percent terrible for me. That said, most
Heterosexuals would eat an armchair if you covered it in gravy, but don’t actually try that because then you won’t have an armchair.
Chili is a very competitive food among Heterosexuals. All Heterosexuals have their own recipe, and all of them swear that theirs is the best. I’m fairly partial to the chili at Wendy’s, which is a dead giveaway that I don’t know much about chili, which is a dead giveaway that I’m not a Heterosexual, which (and this isn’t even related but it’s worth mentioning) is a dead giveaway that I saw the movie
Mamma Mia
in theaters. Twice. And I liked it. I liked it all, y’all. Chili is such a popular Heterosexual dish that entire competitions are held to determine whose recipe is the best. This type of Heterosexual event is called a chili cook-off.
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