Steel Rush (In the Shadows#5) (18 page)

I’m shaking and can barely hold myself up. “Calder—”

“
No
more holding back.” His hand tightens on my body and his entire frame tenses. Exhaling deeply, his rough tone softens. “When two people connect the way we do…we fucking
own
each other, Cass.”

My heart melts and I turn so my cheek touches his jaw. “More, please.”

C
alder’s head jerks up and his green eyes meet mine for a split second before he withdraws his hand from my body. “Lay down, angel.”

I glance down at the towel over the thick rug. “Here?”

He turns and hits the light switch, dousing the room in darkness. When he flicks another switch and a fire leaps to life in the dual-sided fireplace, I love the warm glowing light reflected in the room and lower myself onto the rug.

As soon as I lay back, Calder crawls over me, warm skin stretched over hard muscles and unadulterated hunger reflected in his gaze. “Lay still and don’t move. Think you can do that?” he says, his voice silk and steel.

While he seeks my agreement, his necklace swings between us, ticking off our intense rhythm of desire like a metronome. I clasp the dog tags, hoping to freeze this moment in time. “I want you to share with me, Calder.” Sliding my fingers along his Solus tattoo, I continue, “To truly share. Think you can do that?”

He pulls my hands above my head. As he trails his fingers up my arms and toward my wrists, it takes major effort not to yank my hands away. He holds my gaze and slowly runs his thumbs over my scars. “Only if you do, sweet Raven.”

“That wasn’t the deal,” I say, my heart sinking at the idea of revealing my past.

Calder slides his fingers along my palms, then clasps his hands to mine in a tight hold. “A two-way street, remember?”

His expression is so intensely sincere, I nod, hoping I’ll find the courage to tell him.

He smiles and dips his head to press a kiss to my shoulder. Releasing my hands, he moves lower and nips at the curve of my breast, his breath warming and arousing me at the same time. I flex my stomach when he reaches my bellybutton and lingers. “When I got home after leaving the military, I received a letter from my mother’s lawyer.”

“I thought you said your mother died when you were young?”

Calder clasps my hips and his fingers flex tight as he glances up at me. “She did. Let me finish, then ask, okay?”

I bite my lip and nod.

He flattens his palm on my belly and holds it there, his gaze locked on his hand. “The lawyer was instructed to only send the letter once my father passed away, but he had to wait until I returned from deployment to send it to me. In the letter, my mom informed me that Jack Blake isn’t my true father. She said the only reason she told me at all was so that I would know who my biological father was in case I ever needed it for medical reasons.”

Oh, God, that’s why Calder distanced himself from his family. He feels like he doesn’t belong, that he’s not a true Blake.
My eyes fill will tears when his hand shakes as he moves it to my thigh. I can’t stay quiet. “I’m sorry, Calder. I had no idea—”

He grips my thigh hard and shakes his head, cutting me off. Blowing out a breath, he continues as he rubs away the bits of water still left on my skin. “She said that if Jack had learned the truth it would’ve destroyed him so she kept the ‘incident’ to herself.” He snorts his anger. “Incident? Can you believe that shit? Apparently the guilt of her affair was too much. At least I learned the real reason she took her life back then.” He pauses his exploration of my skin and encircles my ankle with his fingers. “So not only did I lose my father before I deployed four years ago, but when I got back, I lost everything else. Every single memory we had together as a family, every father and son moment. I lost myself and who I thought I was.”

How could his mother not think how this news would impact him?
Tears slide down my temples. I can’t imagine how hard that must’ve been for him.
Is that why he started doing MMA? As some kind of punishment?
I want to ask him so much.
Who is his real father?
I’m sure he feels so much anger and resentment that I doubt he’ll ever contact him, but is he curious at all about the man? Instead of voicing my thoughts, I slide my hand down his arm and set my foot on his thigh, curling my toes into the muscle to let him know I’m here. I’m listening.

Calder presses a kiss to the inside of my bent knee, then rests his lips there for a second. When he finally glances my way, he shakes his head. “Don’t shed tears for me, angel. I’ve moved on. You wanted to know why I got this tattoo and what it means to me…and now you do.”

I briefly slide my gaze to the triskele design incorporated into the Celtic tribal tattoo on his shoulder. He said he got it to represent the Irish roots of the Blake family. So he must’ve had the Solus done after he found out the truth about his heritage. He sees himself as truly alone in the world. My heart feels like it’s crushing in my chest. I cup my hand around the tattoo on his ribs. “The blood running through your veins doesn’t change the fact that you have a family who loves you, nor does it erase a lifetime of memories, Calder.”

“Those memories were built on a lie.”

“Do you really think your father would treat you any differently if he were still here?”

He stiffens, torture reflected in his expression. “I’ll never know.”

“If you let this fester, it will gnaw away at you. Find a way to discover the answer you need so you can truly move on. The Blakes didn’t stop being your family because a piece of paper says otherwise.”

Shrugging, he snorts. “Bash is the only one who knows the truth. And he pretty much beat the crap out of me when he found out why he hadn’t heard from me in months. I know the Blakes will be there for me, but yes, to an extent, I feel...adrift. Losing your entire identity has a way of fucking with your self-worth. It isn’t something you just shake off easily.”

I definitely get the self-worth part.
As he lifts his hand from the floor, I fold our fingers together. “That I completely understand.”

Calder turns our clasped hands over and stares at the tattoo on my wrist. Sliding his thumb over my scars, he lifts his gaze to mine. “Your turn.”

When I don’t say anything, his fingers tighten slightly. “Why don’t you tell me about the tattoo then?”

That’s easier. I smile and lift my arm to stare at my other wrist with an identical tree branch tattoo minus the raven. “Finding the right artist who could cover scars wasn’t easy. It takes true talent to cover them.” Chuckling, I continue, “I never thought I’d find my artist in a guy who models on the side, but as you can see, Noah’s incredibly talented.”

Calder’s gaze hardens. “How did you ‘discover’ his talent?”

I snicker, enjoying that he sounds jealous. “He asked me out for a beer after class and when I reached for my mug, he saw my scars and told me he could hide them in plain sight if I wanted.”

“You slept with him.”

I open my mouth to deny his statement, but it hits me that he jumped to that conclusion awfully fast. “You had sex with your tattoo artist, didn’t you?”

When Calder’s jaw tightens, swift jealousy surges through me and I pull my hand from his. Stretching my arms over my head, I sigh dreamily and force amused nonchalance. “What is it about tattoo artists? And, yes, I’ve seen Noah in the nude.”

Calder’s leaning over me before I even complete my sentence, his hands clasping my wrists tight over my head. “Stop avoiding telling me about your scars, Cass. Give me something to think about other than picturing you fucking some tatted up pretty boy.”

“What’s going to keep me from picturing you fucking a tatted up slutty gir—”

Calder clamps his mouth over mine, cutting off my response. His kiss is possessive and hard, hitting all the right buttons. But as much as I crave his aggression, I’m pissed too. I never slept with Noah. I valued his friendship more, but the last thing I want to think about is Calder with another woman. When I bite his lip, he grunts and settles his hips on mine, thrusting his tongue deeper.

His dog tags crushed between us and his rock hard erection pressed tightly against me are both pleasure and torture. It’s not enough. I need to feel the rush of the steel dragging along my skin as he slides deep inside me. I want to know that I’m the only person he’s thinking about. The only one he wants. I kiss him back and arch into him, locking my legs around his hips.

Calder groans and releases my arms to cup my face. This time his kiss is so intensely emotional, he sweeps the air right out of my lungs. My heart thunders and my body thrums for more. When I wrap my arms around his thick shoulders and respond to his passionate aggression with my own, he pulls back, his breathing uneven. “We both have past relationships. The difference is
you’re
not having to watch one in the present.”

I frown for a second. “You’re talking about Ben? That’s Celeste’s relationship, not mine.”

He scowls. “You’re the one giving the guy a free pass.”

“None of it is real, Calder.”

“Your trust in him is and his desire to have you to himself is very fucking real. He told me he’ll have me booted off your detail after tomorrow night.”

Panic grips me. “What? He can’t do that. I have an agreement with Gregory and Phillip.”

“Which he knows nothing about!” Calder growls his annoyance.

“It’s just one more night, Calder,” I say, trying to calm my own worries too. “The blood results should be back tomorrow. And regardless, at the party, we’ll get what we need to give the police another suspect to consider.”

Calder sighs. “Let’s agree to drop the subject, because honestly, Cass, the last thing I want to think about is you with any of those assholes, past or present.”

“Ben’s not an asshole.”

His expression hardens. “They’re all A-holes.”

“Only two in my past deserve that label,” I say, snorting my disgust.

Calder stills, the heat in his gaze shifting to alert awareness. Rolling us to our sides, he cups my cheek and commands softly, “Tell me.”

Did I really say that out loud? Ugh.
Now that it’s out there, I can’t take it back. I swallow and stare at the firelight dancing across his handsome face. I’m not sure if I have it in me to tell him the whole story while remaining calm and dispassionate. I shake my head. “You said to leave the past in the past.”

He inhales deeply and slides his fingers into my damp hair. Stroking my cheek with his thumb, he says, “Not this time, Raven mine. Tell me everything.”

He shared. It’s only fair that I share in return. Thankful that the firelight is throwing my face in the shadows, I take a deep breath and tell him what happened when I was a teen at Sherry’s party. I don’t go into details about the Celeste lookalike connection, nor do I tell him Jake and Brent’s names. I only tell him that it happened, and that the timing of that night’s event right before my sister’s suicide is what drove me to cutting. I avoid talking about the fact it also impacted my sexual relationships with men later in life, but I can tell by the tightening of his grip on my hair and the muscle jumping in his jaw, he’s making his own assumptions.

Once I finish, his thumb halts on my cheek. He’s still holding me but his whole frame has tensed against me. “What are their names?”

He’ll make me leave tonight if I tell him. I can’t afford to do that, no matter how twisted up this whole situation is. This isn’t just for Celeste’s sake, but also for Calder’s. He’s put so much work into his undercover status at the EUC, but if he finds out about Brent, I don’t know what he’ll do. I don’t want him to mess things up. Brent doesn’t come around the Carver estate, and as long as Jake doesn’t know that I’m not Celeste, I can handle this. I pull his hand from my face and tuck our hands between us on the towel. “The statute of limitations ran out on what they did a long time ago, Calder.”