Steel & Ice (34 page)

“
Put your legs around me,”
he gently commanded. I did so and felt him sink inside of me. Our
moans got tangled up in one another’s just as much as our bodies
were. He stilled for a second before he languidly pulled out almost
to the tip, and then slowly pushed back inside me.

“
Did you forget I had
something to tell you?” J whispered in my ear. I could feel his
smile against my neck.

“
You kinda make it easy to
forget everything when you’re deep inside me.” With that I put my
hands on his ass and pulled him in a little bit deeper and
squeezed.

He moaned. “Fuck, baby.” While still
clenching his rock hard cock, he slid out and back in just as
slowly as before. When his head was back close to mine I pulled him
down and spoke against his lips. “What did you have to tell me?” I
bit his ear lobe and ran my teeth down it followed buy sucking it
between my lips. I’d discovered he liked the slight pleasure/pain
combo I did. Neither of us were into BDSMing it up, but we
appreciated a little pain here and there.

I squeezed my legs tighter around him as his
strokes sped up slightly. “You make my head dizzy, baby,” I said
breathlessly.

“
Too dizzy to tell me what’s
going on in that head of yours?” He reached under my hips and
tilted them so he could hit my G spot. I panted as he continued,
thrusting slightly faster.

He leaned down and whispered in my ear, “Now
do you feel dizzy?”

“
Uh huh,” was all I could
get out. I bit my lower lip as his hand trailed down the side of my
body and down my leg wrapped around him. I felt him start to throb
inside me. I knew he was close. He didn’t speed up though. He kept
a slow and steady pace, and moved his hand from the side of my calf
to between my legs, where we were connected. He splayed his hand
across my stomach as his strokes continued to hit my spot. I arched
my back, pushing to meet his thrusts.

The buildup was too much. I was going to
explode soon if he didn’t touch my clit or speed up his movements.
I whimpered and tossed my head from side to side on the pillow.

“
What do you need
baby?”

“
More. I need more, J. I
need more of you.” I grabbed his ass to pull him closer to me and
his finger finally went to my clit. He held it there though, not
moving. It was the most beautiful torture I’d ever
experienced.

“
Fuck, J. Fuck. Oh god. You.
Me. Oh, god. ” I couldn’t form coherent sentences. He finally
started moving his finger, and that was all it took to send me over
the edge. He built me up so high, the fall was long and hard. I
felt my whole body spasm and wetness flood around his cock. I was
still convulsing when he leaned over me and picked up the
pace.

“
I wanted to tell you—“ He
thrust into me two more times before he followed me over the cliff.
As he shook with release, he said with a strained voice, “I love
you Elle. I fuckin’ love you.” He lay on top of me, still buried
inside me as he floated back to the earth, continuing to repeat, “I
love you. God, I love you. I love you so fucking much.”

We were both still high off our orgasms when
I rolled us to our sides, keeping him inside of me. I looked him in
the eye. I could see fear, like he wasn’t sure what I was about to
say.

“
People say I love you all
the time,” I said quietly. “For the first time, I believe it. And I
want to say it back. I’ve never said it back.” I looked into his
eyes and felt mine well up with tears. “I love you, J. I love every
part of you. I love the way you make me feel connected to you no
matter how far away we are from each other. I love that you let me
show you all my layers, each piece of me you accept. But what’s
more, bigger, meaningful—“ J wiped a lone tear that escaped my eye.
I could barely find my voice to say my last words. “I trust you,
J.”

He pulled my face against
his chest and kissed the top of my head. “You can always trust me.
I will always protect you and love you and fight for you. You’re an
enigma.
My
enigma.
I’m not sure how I lucked out or what I did to deserve you, but I’m
not going to think about it too much because it doesn’t matter. I’m
never letting go of you. I’ll be yours, so long as you’ll have me.”
He paused and pulled my face away from his chest. He laid his lips
on my forehead and murmured, “Hopefully forever.” I tilted my head
back and pulled his lips down to mine. “Forever,” I said against
them.

We lay there for five minutes, twenty
minutes, an hour. I wasn’t sure how long. I was the one to break
the silence. “Mmmm. I could fall asleep right now.”

“
I almost have,” he replied
sleepily, probably unaware that his semi erect cock was still
inside me.

“
If we were in a book we
could. But we’re not. So, I need to get up and use the bathroom.”
He shifted, moving inside me.

He squeezed me tighter. “No, don’t go,” he
whined. I laughed at him. I loved that we could be serious one
minute and playful the next.

“
Memorize this position and
I’ll be right back.” I untangled my body from his, and he sighed at
the loss of my warmth around his cock. I used the restroom and
cleaned myself up. Then I got a wash cloth and wet it with warm
water. I went back to the bed and threw it at J’s face. “You’re
welcome.”

“
Aw baby, it’s even warm.”
He cleaned himself and threw the washcloth on the floor. “Now come
back here so I can reposition us.” I crawled under the covers with
him and curled into his body. We lay on our sides, legs all tangled
in one another. He reached around and let the clip out of my hair,
tossing it across the room. As I snuggled into him, ready to fall
asleep. He wrapped both arms around me and buried his hands in my
hair. I purred like a content cat, which is exactly how I felt. If
I could’ve frozen that moment and lived it for the rest of my life,
I would’ve died a happy lady.

Chapter 16

We returned home the next day and things
changed between J and me, in a good way. We spent more time
together. I would lay next to him in bed reading while he watched
sports on TV. We were content in one another’s presence. There
wasn’t the need to talk. We were able to just be. And we were able
to ‘be’ while we were with one another.

It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced.
I did all the weird things in my apartment when he stayed over that
I used to only do alone. I danced in the kitchen while I cooked
dinner. I touched the quotes hung up around my apartment and closed
my eyes, repeating the words over and over in my mind until I was
satisfied I had fully taken the sentiment of the words into my
heart and mind. I did the less than attractive things: I scratched
my boobs, picked wedgies, and did my weekly charcoal facial mask.
Sometimes he was there for these things and sometimes he wasn’t.
But it didn’t matter either way. The ease between us that was
created in Kansas City continued and grew when we returned
home.

As obvious as my changing relationship with
J was, my changing relationship with the teens was subtle. I was
spending more time at the center, dropping in more often. I played
Spades with the boys and beat them almost every time. I offered to
go easy on them, but they were too proud. Eventually, I started
teaching them the skills I had picked up along the way. When I was
young and things were still good at home, my parents taught me to
play Euchre. We still played at the few family gatherings I
attended. Euchre was ten times harder than Spades. I tried teaching
the boys Euchre once, but they didn’t have the patience for all the
rules, so I continued to beat them at Spades. We laughed that
Marcos lost every hand, even when I wasn’t playing. They found my
dry humor interesting and never seemed to stop being surprised at
the things I said. I censored myself greatly, but I couldn’t turn
my wit off. They brought out the fun loving teenager I never had a
chance to be.

The girls and I developed a different
relationship. They weren’t as fun as the boys. They were catty with
each other, and I regularly told them how important female friends
were and that they shouldn’t be so petty. They told me their
problems. Problems with their parents, which I told them
unfortunately, may never go away. I shared tidbits of my family
life growing up. I told them even at twenty-three my mom still
drove me nuts. They shared their boy troubles, and I had to force
myself not to be jaded and give them horrible advice. Just because
it took me twenty-three years and finding J to believe in and trust
a man, didn’t mean they had to be the same way. I told them it was
OK to fall in love, because even if it didn’t work out they would
heal.

I came up with sayings for them. “A broken
heart will heal but herpes is forever.” Penny was practically a nun
when it came to sex, and the girls quickly figured out they could
ask me questions. Many a bathroom conversation was I pulled
into.

I parted ways with the teens, mostly the
boys, by saying, “Have a good night. Don’t do drugs and use a
condom.” They found it funny. I was dead serious. Marcos asked me
once why I said it all the time. I told him that he needed to hear
it all the time, not just once. Sometimes the boys asked me
questions about sex, but mostly they sent their girlfriends to ask.
The girls varied in age and experience with boys. Some were grossed
out by penises and wanted to avoid touching them. I told them that
meant they weren’t ready to have sex, and that was alright. No one
should push them faster than they wanted to go. Some girls asked me
why sex didn’t always feel good. I told them they were doing it
wrong. To this they looked at me with crazy eyes. I laughed and
wrote the word ‘clitoris’ on a scrap of paper. I told them to go
home and google it.

Of course this led to questions about
touching themselves and god and morals. I told them that they had
to make their own decisions about what was moral. Once one girl
figured out the magic of the clitoris, the questions quickly
changed from if it was OK to why boys didn’t know about this. I had
to reign myself in periodically and remember these girls were
fifteen, sixteen, and seventeen, and I was supposed to be a good
influence. Some questions I answered for one girl, but was vague
with another. Genesis turned sixteen and was still with Fernie.
They were having sex and it was pointless to tell them to stop.
Really? After she taught Fernie about the clit there was no going
back. At least she was enjoying it. I had years of bad sex before I
discovered how to get myself off.

Fernie didn’t coming around the center as
often. It was summer and school was almost out, so I assumed that
was the reason. But a voice in the back of my head still worried,
and knew that there were so many other things he was potentially
doing. Penny told me that you had to learn to do what you can, but
realize you can’t save them all, referring to the teens. I
understood what she meant, but it was hard for me. That fierce love
and devotion that was inside of me extended to these teens. They
became my little sisters and brothers who I would take a bullet
for.

I asked Marcos one day if he had hung out
with Fernie recently. He got dodgey with his answer saying yes, but
not really. I pushed him further and he said Fernie had some new
friends. That was all I could get out of Marcos before he bailed on
our conversation. I wanted Fernie to listen to Drake, “no new
friends.”

My intensified relationship with J and my
extra time spent at the center didn’t go unnoticed by Chris. I
tried to spend time with her because I didn’t want to be one of
those girls who ditched their friends for a boy. I’d never done
that when J came into the picture, but I was spending less time
with her since I was at the center more. J and I went out and did
stuff, but a lot of our time was in the evenings. I had long days
with school, cooking, and the teens. He was in and out of town like
usual. I never thought I could enjoy a quiet night at home. I once
told someone, “Why would I stay home when there is a club full of
men to be had?”

It was the teens that were taking my time
from Chris. I was studying for my last final one night. One more
final and I was done for three months. I wasn’t taking any summer
courses so I could spend more time with J and the teens. I was knee
deep in flash cards and text books when my phone rang. I really
wanted to ignore it, as I was in the zone, but when I saw Chris’
name pop up on the caller ID I knew I had to answer. I knew I’d
slacked on my end of the friendship.

I swiped the bar to answer. “Yo.”

“
Damn stranger. I thought
you fell off a cliff.” Chris said it humorously, but I could tell
there was a hurt undertone to the comment.

“
Yeah girl. I’ve had a lot
going on with school, work, J, and the teens.”

“
You ‘bout to be done with
school right?”

“
Yep. I’m studying for my
last final. How about we celebrate Saturday night? Eight Oh Eight
style.”

“
Fucks yeah! But if we see
Devon, we gotta bail to a different spot.”

I really hadn’t talked to her lately. Last I
knew Devon was out of the picture. “What’s up with Devon? I thought
you gave him his walking papers.”

“
Fuckin’ A. I did, but then
I saw him a couple weeks ago and fucked him. He thought we were
back together. Yo man, we fucked. That’s it! So I been dodging his
calls. He’s finally laid off, but I don’t wanna to deal with him
this weekend.”

I laughed. Usually I was the recycler. “Now
you feel my pain?”