Steel & Ice (27 page)

That was all it took for J
to start a round of goodbyes. The limo was going to take J and me
to my place, and then come back and wait in the parking lot for
Chris, whenever she and Devon were ready to leave. I loved J for
setting this all up.
I loved J?
Where’d that come from? Did I love him? I quickly
tucked those thoughts into the back of my head. I was definitely
not in the place, nor was it the time to be contemplating
love.

******

Three orgasms later, J and I were lying in
my bed, limbs entwined. My bed was next to a window, and I cracked
it a bit. We were both sweaty once we finally sated ourselves out.
A light breeze blew across us, and I snuggled further into J’s
body.

“
Want me to close it?” J
asked, motioning to the window.

“
No. Leave it for a minute.
It gives me a reason to stay wrapped up in you.” I held him
tighter. “Thank you for tonight.”

He kissed the crown of my head. “It was my
pleasure. All my pleasure.”

“
Well, I had quite a bit of
pleasure too,” I said, poking J in the side.

“
And that was my pleasure as
well.” How did I get this man? Why did he want me?

“
Why do you want me?” Oh, I
don’t think I meant to say that out loud. I burrowed my head into
J’s chest and mumbled, “Nevermind.”

He sat up a bit, and leaned against the
headboard, pulling me up with him. “Look at me,” he gently
demanded. I brought my gaze up to him. His eyes were serious, and a
bit wistful, as if he was deep in thought while staring right at
me. “I can’t imagine why you would be asking that question, since I
imagine you know how amazing you are, and how any guy would be
lucky to have a minute of your time. But in case you don’t know,
I’ll tell you. You’re amazing Elle, an enigma among women. You’re
fun and playful, yet serious when you need to be. I wish I could be
a fly on the wall when you dominate in the kitchen. I can only
imagine it. Shit, I get hard imagining you barking orders to those
guys all night. Despite what you’ve lived through, you aren’t jaded
and angry. You take care of yourself without help from anyone.
You’re smart, but don’t shove it in people’s face. You command a
room when you walk in, and sometimes you don’t even realize it.
I’ve never met a woman who had your strength without being cold and
heartless.”

“
Wow. I have totally been
called cold
and
heartless!” I laughed. I had been called cold more than once
by separate guys. Cold as ice. That was the way many men from my
past described me, but they never saw the REAL me. They’d never
gotten past the ice to see the fire. J had gotten farther than any
man.

“
Maybe so, but to me, you’re
soft, yet strong, willing to let me in when you could have closed
down. You shine your light on me, and it blinds me with all that is
good in this world. I know this is scary for you, and it is for me
too. I told you I had a woman before. She acted the part. Well, I
didn’t know she was acting. I thought she loved me. But when push
came to shove, she just wanted me for my affiliations, and what I
could buy her. It wasn’t about me at all. It was about the life I
was living. She wanted to be a part of it, and saw me as the key.”
He paused, reflecting on what he said. Or maybe what was to come
next. In a barely audible tone, he told me, “She wanted a life I
don’t even want.”

“
What do you
mean?”

“
Nothing. We just weren’t on
the same page, but I was too blind to see it. I swore I’d never let
anyone get that close again. Yet here I am, in your bed, imagining
what it’d be like to wake up next to you every morning. To fall
asleep, feeling your hair against my chest. To take you on the back
of my bike as soon as it’s warm enough, and cross the country with
you. To have adventures and make memories with you.” He paused. “As
incredible as that sounds, I’m scared too, Elle. Even though I know
you want me for me, I also know you could decide at any moment to
never see me again and… and… the thought of that kills me, shatters
me.”

I reached up and cupped his cheek in my
hand. He had just laid himself out, and I felt it only fitting I do
the same. I threw my leg over J and sat up straddling him. I took
his face in both my hands, and leaned in for a soft kiss. I held my
lips over his, not moving, savoring the touch of his lips against
mine. The smell of him, the feel of him. “I’m right there with ya
baby,” I said against his lips. I pulled back a fraction of an
inch. “I’m not going anywhere.” I stared into his eyes, pools of
black, illuminate the moonlight streaming through the open window.
He looked into my golden eyes and smiled.

Before I knew what was happening, I was on
my back and he was on top of me, holding himself up with his
forearms that were on either side of me. “You definitely aren’t
going anywhere with me on top of you.”

I played along. “Well, what about when I
have to eat? Or use the bathroom?” I grinned.

“
Hmmmm. I guess I could let
you up for those things, if you promise to come right
back.”

I poked him in his chest. “I
will make no such promises, mister!” His face fell for a fraction
of a second. “I will though, promise to never lie to you and that I
only want
you
,
nothing else. I like being with you. You make feel—safe and warm.”
I pulled his head down so his ear was next to my mouth and
whispered, “Just don’t shatter me either, OK?”

I closed my eyes and felt his breath above
my lips. “Never, Elle Never.” He kissed me and round three
commenced. Or was it round four?

Chapter 1
3

Things were always slow at the restaurant
right after New Year’s, making it a perfect time to take some time
off. So when I woke up the next day, my back to J and both his arms
around me, I reveled in the fact that I had the next two days off.
It would be Thursday before I had to go back to work.

I replayed the last few weeks in my head. Is
it possible to feel change? It’s usually after the fact that we
realize change has occurred and why it happened. The other option
is that it is quick and deliberate, like cussing your boss out and
quitting your job. My life was changing. I knew it. But it was
neither quick nor deliberate. In fact, I didn’t know what my life
was changing to, or when it began to occur.

Once, in my teens, I found myself sitting on
a couch, bullets whizzing by, and I thought to myself, “Well fuck.
Here we go again. I thought I was past this shit. Guess not. Let’s
retrace our steps.” I was surprisingly calm considering I could’ve
died, but I really thought that and then went step by step through
my actions. I’d been with my friend at one of his friend’s house.
I’d been there before, and I knew his friend was way wilder than
me, but I wasn’t uncomfortable. I smoked weed with these guys
various times, so I didn’t think it was a big deal. We were all
just kickin’ it, waiting for the weed guy to come through. He came
through… and he brought bullets with him. Who was after the weed
guy and why was not of my concern. In that moment, I realized I
made a decision to put myself in a situation where something like a
drive by could happen. I made specific decisions that put me on
that couch when a car decided to strike their attack. All I wanted
was a sack of weed. Fuck, it wasn’t even good shit, it was total
schwagg.

I was about to start retracing my steps to
see how I had ended up in the bed with J, when I felt him move
behind me. I turned around and pushed my cheek against his bare
chest. He mumbled something, but didn’t open his eyes. He just held
me tighter, and threw his leg over mine. I tilted my hips toward
him and slipped my leg between his. He ground himself into me in
his sleep. I could feel he was hard. I licked my hand and slipped
it between us. Slowly, I ran my hand up and down his cock until it
was fully erect. I titled my hips, and used the heel of my foot to
push on the bed so I could slide him into me.

I lay there for a second, full of him,
clenching my walls around him. It’d never felt this good to be
wrapped around a man’s cock. With gentle movements, I began to move
my pelvis back and forth, loving the feel of him inside me. I
reached my hands up and put them around J’s neck. I used him for
leverage to push myself deeper onto him. He mumbled something, and
I felt him begin to stir. He pulled me against him, and started
matching my movements with his hips. At this angle, my clit was
rubbing against him each time he pushed into me. It happened so
fast. Maybe it was due to the illicit feeling of initiating sex
with a man who was still sleeping, or the way our bodies fit
together so that his cock rubbed my G spot while my clit rubbed
against him. Whatever it was, it was sexplosive. With my hands
still around J’s neck, I threw my head back and screamed my
release.

When the stars dissipated and I looked back
at J, he was awake and watching at me, devouring me with his coal
eyes. He’d seen me come apart screaming his name, and that was all
he needed to finish the job for himself. He pulled me further
against his body, and held my head against his chest. Two more
thrusts and he was groaning his own release, one hand shoved deep
into my hair, and the other molded around the small of my back.

We lay there, still connected and breathing
heavy. J held my head in both hands, and gently pulled me back so
he could look me in the eye. He wore a ginormous grin. “Damn, baby.
That’s the way to start the New Year.”

I grinned back and kissed him. I could feel
his smile against mine. “I thought so too.”

“
Can we do that a few more
times today?”

With his cock still in me I told him, “I’ve
gotta make a run at noon, but we can see how much we can fit in
before then. First you’ve gotta let me up to go to the
bathroom.”

“
Ah, I want to. I really do.
But my dick doesn’t seem ready to leave yet.” He punctuated this
with a semi-erect thrust.

“
Well, tell your dick to
hold on for thirty seconds and then he can climb back
in.”

J let go of me and looked at where our
bodies connected. “Did you hear that?” he said loudly. “She said
thirty seconds.” He looked back up at me and pulled out. “1, 2, 3,
4…”

I shook my head at him as I walked to the
bathroom. I did my business and as I exited the bathroom, J
entered, probably to take care of his own business. I crawled into
bed and yelled, “20, 21, 22…” Good thing men are ten times quicker
in the bathroom than women, because he was back inside me before I
made it to 30.

******

“
What are you doing at
noon?”

Despite the closeness J and I developed, a
closeness that was something I never allowed anyone before, I still
had moments of dodgey-ness. Why didn’t I want to tell him? I wasn’t
ashamed or embarrassed. I was just so used to keeping my life
private. Chris and Aaron knew the most about me, Chris more so, but
there were even things she didn’t know. I learned at some point
that it was better to keep your moves private. Loose lips could
bite you in the ass. So when I opened my mouth to tell J, I was
plunging into uncharted waters. “I’m getting weed.”

“
I could have gotten you
some.” I got my last sack of nuggs off J.

“
It’s schwagg.”

I was lying against his chest as he stroked
his fingers up and down my arm. That last comment made him stop and
look down at me. “Schwagg?”

“
You say it like it’s a
dirty word.” I laughed, because that is exactly how I said
it.

“
Sweetheart, it is a dirty
word!” He winked. “Why are you buying—I can’t even say it.” He
pretended to be appalled.

“
You dork. I’m gonna break
it up and sell it off.” I tried to say it casually. I didn’t do a
good job. Or maybe there was no way I could’ve said it and sounded
casual to him. He sat up against the head board, and he did so with
huffs and puffs. Men! I rested on my side, holding my head with my
open palm. His gorgeous face was twisted into a scowl when he
opened his mouth. I knew there’d be questions.

“
Why are you selling
it?”

“
Why are you freaking
out?”

“
I’m not. I just didn’t know
you sold. I thought you were just a purchaser.”

I sat up. “There’s a lot of things you don’t
know about me.”

He looked at the ceiling,
seemingly annoyed. I pushed my glasses onto my head, and pinched
the bridge of my nose. “I’m sorry. Look, I’m not trying to be vague
or cryptic. It’s just, there’s lots of things you don’t know about
me. Or I guess things
I do
that you don’t know about. I’m not trying to hide
anything from you. It’s just not my nature to spill all my shit.
I’m used to keeping what I do to myself. You know, close to the
cuff? When something comes up though, I’ll tell you, like now. But
it’s hard for me to just start rambling off all my
secrets.”

He was thoughtful for a moment. Probably
contemplating the things he did that I didn’t know about. I guess
it was a little different. I knew there were things about him I
didn’t know. He didn’t know all the sordid details of my past. All
the stupid decisions I made, and how I got out of the repercussions
op them, some with ease and others not so much. “I get it. I know
all about keeping shit quiet. How much are you getting?”

I could go for my best nonchalant voice, but
I was pretty sure it wouldn’t make any difference. The next words
out of my mouth were going to shock him no matter what tone of
voice I used. “Half pound.”