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She hugs me. “You won’t, you’ll see—“She pauses before continuing, “Look—I shouldn’t be telling you this because he made me promise not to but I think you need some reassurance right about now. So--do you remember about two months ago when I told you that I was staying over at Derrick’s house for the weekend?”

             
I pull away from her embrace and look at her confused. “Yeah...that’s the time Jason showed up to surprise me early from Thanksgiving break…” I say hesitantly not knowing where this conversation is going.

             
She shifts uncomfortably but still goes on, “Well…the truth is, I didn’t really stay with him. I encountered Jason on campus—I’m assuming that it was when he was on his way to surprise you…anyway, he asked if I could make myself scarce because he was planning on spending the weekend with you. He put me up at the Kress Inn across the street so that you guys could have your alone time together. He didn’t give me all the details or anything--he just needed me to do him this favor—for you.”

             
I’m still trying to process her words when she takes a deep breath. “The point is he was doing it all for you and from your last piece of ‘TMI’ you’re no longer the horrid v-word that I knew you were even though you never told me…but I digress. He obviously showed you a good time that night and every night since then…so you see, you have nothing to worry about.” She pats me on the back as I sit there with eyes wide and mouth gaping open.

             
“Are you serious?” I ask incredulously.

             
The song changes to Trey Songz’ ‘Heart Attack’ when she assures me, “Yes, he didn’t ask for my help on anything, besides disappearing, of course.” She shrugs and looks away.

             
Tears stream down my face now because I remember that time, two months ago. It was the first night we made love—the night I gave myself to him. I also remember that on that same night I accepted the fact that I have always loved Jason, more than life itself.

             
I close my eyes and shiver at the memory of his touch, the feel of his skin on mine, the feel of him inside me…

             
“HELLO? Did you hear me?” Magda’s voice makes me snap out of the vivid memories.

             
I clear my throat and blush. “What?” I ask wiping away any remaining tears.

             
“OH EM GEE, you were having a vivid flashback weren’t you? You slut!” She laughs as I shake my head and say nothing.

             
“I said--you and Jason will be fine! Now get your skinny ass ready for this bitchin’ party!! That’s an order!” She scolds, pulling me up from the bed.

             
I mentally prepare myself for what I’m about to do.

             
I tell myself how there’s no better time than the present to find out what Jason really feels about me. I have to suck it up and make things clear between us and I won’t back down easy. There has to be something there, it can’t just be one sided, not after what we’ve shared. There’s no way I’m alone in this, at least, that’s what I’ll keep repeating until I see him tonight.

             
With that conversation over, we get ready for Jesse’s party and make our way to 327 Marsh Street where it’s being held at. Throughout our walk there, I get more and more excited at seeing Jason because it’s about time I tell him how I feel. This time nothing is going to stop me from doing it.

             
To make it more appealing I even tried dressing a little sexy tonight with my tight black skinny jeans and red corset that pushes my little goodies up high--no worries though--it’s not even close to being Magda scandalous. Besides I have a black blazer to cover myself up some. I finished the ensemble off with some mid-thigh high Steve Madden boots.

             
I am determined to find out what it is he feels about me and what he’s hiding so I figure there’s nothing wrong with pleading my case looking hot as hell.

             
I just don’t want any secrets between us anymore. I want to be with him exclusively or at least have him acknowledge the fact that we’re more than “friends”.

             
The closer we get, the louder the music coming from inside the house becomes. As we approach, I clearly hear LL Cool J’s ‘Headsprung’ blasting through the speakers. That makes me realize that it’s a packed house tonight, for sure. Nobody is outside since it’s the middle of January and it’s a tad chilly to say the least.

             
We get to the front door and walk in to see everyone drinking and talking.
Snooze-Fest!

             
Magda and I make our way to the basement because that’s where the party really is. I search for Jason on our way down the stairs but I don’t see him so I figure he must already be down there. We reach the basement and it’s crowded with people dancing and singing along to a song I haven’t heard before.

             
“I’m gonna go find Jason, I’ll catch up with you later.” I scream over the music as I start to walk in the opposite direction to find him.

             
“Good! If I see him I’ll tell him you’re looking for him. Good luck!!!” She screams back then winks at me.

             
I see her walk to Nick, her new boy toy, whom she met the same night I met Jason.

             
Looking around, I check my phone to make sure that I didn’t miss anything from him telling me he’s going to be late or something. Nothing…so I make my way towards Mike, one of Jason’s friends and roommate. I met him a week into our non-labeled relationship and he’s been a blast to hang out with ever since.

             
He’s a sweet guy and very popular with the ladies because of his dirty blonde hair and perfectly round face that’s accompanied by some green eyes and a very muscular build --who wouldn’t be attracted to him? He of course, does nothing for me, at least not compared to what Jason does, no one compares to him. 

             
“Mike!” I yell over the music, which now is ‘Jesse’s Girl’ by Rick Springfield. “Have you seen Jason?”

             
“Hey, Babycakes! No I haven’t, sorry. I didn’t even know he was coming.” He shrugs.

             
I smile at his endearment.

             
I swear all of Jason’s roommates and friends look so rough around the edges but they are all so sweet on the inside--it’s sickening.

             
I shake my head as I look around for Jason once more. “He told me he was gonna be here…
weird
. Have you not seen him at all today?” I ask feeling unsure of his whereabouts.

             
He leans down close to my ear so I can hear him better, “No. I haven’t. I had classes all day and didn’t have time to stop by our place. Maybe you should ask Ryan?” He suggests looking over his shoulder where Ryan is operating the Keg with a bunch of skanky looking girls hanging off of him.

             
I smirk and roll my eyes. “Makes sense. I’ll go ask him. Thanks Mike!” I yell, waving goodbye.

             
Ryan and Jason share a room together so that pretty much makes him more apt at knowing where he’s at most of the time.

             
“Ryan!!” I shriek as I go in for a big bear hug.

             
It’s impossible to not love Ryan. He’s six foot ten and part of the St. Norbert Knights basketball team. He is the epitome of tall, dark, and handsome and every girl on campus knows it.

             
“Alex!!!! What’s up sweetheart?” He asks, ignoring all the blonde skanks around me and giving me his full attention.

             
He’s always a smooth talker which is the reason behind his ‘Playgirl’ status.

             
I ignore the death glares from the bimbos. “You seen Jason? He said he would be here tonight,” I ask getting on my tiptoes so that I can lean close to his ear to make these bitches jealous.

             
I smile innocently when I pull away.

             
Ryan’s eyes go wide and his eyebrows pull together. “What do you mean have I seen him? He left today…” He says sounding confused, like I should know what he’s talking about.
I don’t.

             
The color drains from my face and my heart starts racing. “What are you talking about, Ryan? Where did he go!?” I ask frantically.

             
What does he mean he left? What’s happening? I clench my hands into fists and start to breath heavy.

             
He flinches. “Alex…are you okay? You look pale…”He says grabbing my arm.

             
I pull away from his grasp. “I’m fine! Just tell me what the hell you’re talking about!” I say through gritted teeth.

             
He looks around nervously before moving us over to the opposite side of the Keg so that we aren’t discussing this in front of everyone in line.

             
Once we are out of earshot he runs his hands through his dark hair. “All right…all right…he left--I mean…he dropped out of school today. He didn’t tell me why or when he was going to do it, I just knew he was. When I got to our dorm today, all his stuff was gone. So I figured he finally did it. I thought he had told you, I’m so sorry...” He says apologetically, trying to grab my arm again.

             
I let him hold me this time because I’m not sure I can stand on my own. I’m suddenly dizzy and my chest hurts.

             
“Are you sure, Ryan?” I ask trying to rub the pain away from my chest.

             
He must see the sadness in my eyes because he gently pulls me toward him. “Alex, everything was gone when I got home,
everything
. I am SO sorry. I didn’t know he didn’t tell you.”

             
He hugs me but I feel like I can’t breathe.

             
I hear Buckcherry’s ‘Crazy Bitch’ fading away along with everyone singing along to it and it feels like the blood that drained from my face is all in my ears. All I can listen to is the sound of my racing heartbeat--
this has got to be a joke
.

             
This just can’t be happening. He dropped out of school and left without telling me anything, without so much as an explanation or goodbye?
I’m going to be sick.
I feel like my world has just come to an end and someone’s punched me in the stomach and left me breathless.

             
I push away from Ryan and bend over clutching my stomach with my clenched fists, trying not to fall to the ground. I feel Ryan tightening his grip on my arms to help straighten me out while asking if I’m okay.
Am I
okay
? Jason left, he left without telling me…without caring about me…

             
“Alex! Alex! What’s the matter?” He yells, still holding onto my arms so I don’t fall.

             
I don’t know where my voice comes from but I am able to give some sort of response to him, “I’m fine, Ryan. I just didn’t know. That’s all.”

             
I stand up and get out of his embrace, sprinting away from him. I feel him running behind me so I go faster to get out of this house and away from his concern for me.

             
I’m just suffocating so I need to get out of here. Everything and everyone just fades away as I make my escape. I just can’t be here and know that he’s gone and I knew nothing about it.

             
It’s like a knife has been stabbed straight through my heart. My eyes start filling up with tears as I run up the stairs of the basement and out the front doors, ignoring all the drunken people that I bump into.

             
I get out the door and into the cool night air—then I’m finally able to breathe.

             
I walk to my dorm with silent tears falling down my cheeks. I arrive and don’t even bother taking anything off me. I just fall on my bed and sob like my heart is bleeding from being broken in half.

             
In the distance I hear knocking on my door but I don’t care enough to find out who it is or what they are saying. I just want to wallow in my heartbreak and be alone.

             
I get up to turn on some music on my laptop to tune out the loud knocking. Soon, Leona Lewis’ song ‘Bleeding Love’ fills the room as I lie back down and sob because her words couldn’t be more fitting than they are right now.

             
My heart
is
bleeding from being torn in two by Jason…my Jason, the one I thought could never hurt me.

             
I don’t know how or when it happened but at some point he got under my skin and in my heart, making me feel like he was my one and only…like he was my home. That made it so much easier for him to make me hurt the way I am now.