Sound of the Tide (13 page)

I mean, he was a fire
fighter
, so why was he constantly setting me on fire? Desperately, I held on to him, and yes, yes, I could hear it. I could see in his eyes his desire to kiss me, and his hands that were caressing me ever so softly sent shivers of arousal all over my body. I pushed my hands underneath the red suspenders of his protective gear, cursing the blue T-shirt with his station’s coat of arms. I wanted to feel him, feel the heat of his skin underneath my fingertips.

“Save me, I’m burning,” I whispered, pressing myself up against him, and I could tell from his husky laugh that I wasn’t the only one on fire.

“I will, babe,” he promised, and kissed me. “We have all the time in the world.”

With one final kiss that made the blood swoosh in my ears, our dance ended, and Daniel led me back to Frank’s open-air coffeehouse. Frank’s Italian temperament had gotten the better of him, and he had placed all the café’s tables and chairs outside on the street between miniature olive trees and lemon trees in terra-cotta planters. You really felt transplanted to Italy. Well, almost.

Daniel grabbed my chin, tugged on the curl that had come loose while we were dancing, and looked me in the eye.

“You look like you’re having very naughty thoughts, babe,” he teased me, before pressing a kiss on my cheek and jogging back to his station—and without giving a damn about how hot I was suddenly feeling.

I took a deep breath and heard someone calling my name.

“Piper? Hey, Piper, everything all right? Do you want me to call Dr. Travis?” Kevin asked and looked at me with worry in his eyes.

“Dr. Travis?” I asked, still a little disoriented, but the next contraction yanked me from my daydreams.

“What is it? Are you okay?” Kevin looked pale in the face, and he was unable to hide his nervousness. I was mighty glad that he was doing this for me—or for Daniel.

“Everything’s perfect,” I reassured him after the contraction passed.

“So, have you picked a name?” Kevin changed the subject, uneasily eyeing the contraction monitor.

Shit, that hit a nerve. The baby wouldn’t be too long in coming now, and still I hadn’t decided on a name. I shrugged my shoulders.

“I picked a few, but I haven’t made a decision yet. It really is hard.”

“What names do you like?”

“If it’s a boy, I like Andrew or Brian, but Daniel is on the list, too. Maybe Daniel would have liked that,” I mused out loud.

Kevin looked at me like I was crazy.

“Are you out of your mind? You can’t call him Daniel!”

He sounded genuinely shocked, and very determined.

“And why not?”

I didn’t get his outrage—and hey, I was the one who had the final say in this!

“Because”—he looked at me urgently—“because your child has a right to be happy! You can’t possibly want your grief about Daniel’s death to overshadow a little boy’s life. Do you want to be reminded of his dad every single time you call him? Are you going to hold on to that pain forever, and even burden your child with it?”

I swallowed, completely speechless. I had never looked at it that way. Because I didn’t say anything, Kevin continued.

“Harsh as it may sound, Piper, your baby will never know his dad. Don’t place such a burden on him by giving him the name of someone who’s died. You would deny him the possibility of ever stepping out of Daniel’s shadow.”

He caressed my hand and looked me in the eye.

“I know you loved Daniel very much, but you’re going to love your child regardless—even if his name does not remind you of his dad every single day.”

I nodded in silence, because he was hitting the nail on the head. I did not need to erect a metaphorical memorial in Daniel’s honor to prove to the world that he had once been my life. That was nobody’s business but my own! I would, however, treasure the space in my heart that his memory occupied. That was all our deep, unforgettable love needed.

“You’re right,” I whispered and offered a weak smile as I wiped away the tears on my cheek.

Before either one of us could say anything, Dr. Travis entered. She exuded a zest for action, as if that alone would convince the baby to enter this world. She looked at the results on the contraction monitor and nodded.

“Miss Colby, everything looks great. I think we should make our way to the delivery room now.”

She pulled away the curtain and motioned for one of the orderlies to push my bed over to the part of the hospital that I knew meant serious business.

Panicked, I dug my fingers into Kevin’s arm and didn’t let go for the next few hours.

I should perhaps mention that I had underestimated the baby’s giant head, and in the end Kevin really did need to listen to a scream or three. So I guess all the women who had gone before me weren’t kidding after all.

Daniel had lost his bet, which I am sure he wouldn’t have minded at all. Overcome with pride and joy, I looked down at the tiny face of my daughter, Amber. She was perfect.

Of course I was aware that I was flooded with endorphins and painkillers, and that they were possibly affecting my perception ever so slightly. But this didn’t change the fact that Amber was unbelievably magnificent.

And she was a girl! A perfect little girl. I could look at her without seeing so much as a hint of Daniel. All my fears and anxieties about whether I could love her had turned out to be completely ridiculous. They had dissipated the moment she drew her first breath and gave her first wail.

Kevin was sitting beside me in silent amazement at the miracle of birth. He’d been just wonderful. My heart took a tiny leap as I looked up at him. It felt good to have him here. He seemed enraptured, but noticing that didn’t change the faint smile on my own face.

This is what happiness feels like
, I thought.

He shook his head and breathed a kiss onto Amber’s forehead.

Happiness. I had almost forgotten what that was.

I wished I could hold on to this moment, stop it from passing, and stop this sense of well-being from ever fading away.

It seemed as if all my senses were sharpened, as if these past few hours had been the most intense of my life until now, and as if there’d be no end to this avalanche of emotions: pain, strain, grief, happiness, and something resembling deliverance, mixed with a strong, deep love I never thought possible.

My eyes swam with tears but I couldn’t tell which of these many emotions they sprang from.

Amber’s tiny fingers were holding on to my forefinger, and her lips were slightly open in her sleep. Her sweet scent was already so familiar to me that I thought she was carrying within her the essence of all the beautiful dreams I had ever dreamed. As if I had spent every single night of my life waiting for her. How was that possible?

I rubbed my cheek against her yellow wisps of hair, and kissed her on the temple, soaking up her baby smell. I noticed Kevin staring at me.

He smiled, but he also seemed terribly sad.

“What’s wrong, Kev?” I asked quietly so as to not wake the baby.

“Nothing. I fee
l . . .
weird. I feel as empty as if I spent the last few hours working really, really hard, but I didn’t do anything. And at the same time I feel s
o . . .
hm
m . . .
It’s just nice to see the two of you so happy together.”

I couldn’t reach for his hand, but I would have loved to. I wanted to reassure him that yes, he had done something, had done
a lot
even. That I was only so deliriously happy because he was by my side. But I didn’t say a word, because I had spent the last few days rummaging through the photo album over and over again, realizing that Jenna was probably right about him. In so many of the pictures, I had noticed a sense of hope on his face—exactly like now. A sense of hope I didn’t want to feed because it would mean that I would have to open up and be vulnerable again.

As if he guessed what turn my thoughts were taking, Kevin got up from his chair and carefully sat down beside me. Very, very gently he ran his hand over Amber’s tiny head, looking at her like a proud dad would look at his own child. But his smile was infinitely sad when he looked at me.

“I know it’s been a long time since we were together—almost half a lifetime.”

His eyes were frank and open so that I could read his thoughts without him even needing to continue.

“And, of course, you had Daniel, but did you ever wonder whether the two of us might have had a chance? Maybe if we hadn’t met so early on in our lives? Maybe if we had tried harder?”

I listened to my heartbeat. Felt his words fusing with my pulse and making their way into my innermost self. I held a life in my hands, a tiny life that needed a future. Amber, who needed a father as much as I needed a ma
n . . .

The seconds were ticking away, and hesitantly, I looked up at him. There was a silent plea in his eyes, but I wasn’t ready to hear it yet.

“No, Kevin. I have never wondered about that. I was happy with Daniel—and I was also happy to have you so close to me for all those years. Everything was perfect, unti
l . . .
”

He nodded, and it made me wonder if he had been this pale earlier when I almost broke his fingers during labor.

I, too, wished that my answer were different, but he was too important for me to lie to him—even to spare his feelings.

“For
me
it was never perfect, Piper,” he whispered, kissing me on top of my head.

“Kevin,
I . . .
”

He had already turned away. “It’s all right. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.” His eyes wandered over to Amber, and he pressed his lips together tightly as if he were in pain. “And sometimes, Piper, when life treats you like shit, you lose more than you can bear.”

Without giving me another glance, he walked out.

I stared at the green door for a long time after it closed behind him.

I wanted to call after him, but I didn’t want to risk waking Amber. I wanted to run after him, but I couldn’t get up. I wanted to lie to him about love and promise him a future that I was fucking scared of, just so he would stay. But I did no such thing.

Instead, I cried. I cried as hard and uncontrollably as I had after Daniel’s death. It was as if I had lost another part of me, because I knew that Kevin wasn’t coming back.

L
IGHT AS A
F
EATHER

February

W
hen I left the hospital a few days later, I saw that not only had a brand-new daughter been dropped into my lap, but also a set of parents!

Not that
someone
(Cat and Marcus, to be precise) had deemed it necessary to inform me about the new arrivals: my mother, Veronica, who had burned to a crispy fish stick under the Florida sun; and my father, Paul, who looked terribly plain compared to her. They had moved into my guest bedroom while I was at the hospital.

“My baby has a baby!” Mom cheered as soon as I walked in the door, and hugged me fiercely. I drowned in her sun-bleached curls, and was hoping that her brightly colored lipstick wouldn’t leave a mark on my cheek afterward.

“Mom! What a surprise!” I had to maintain my composure because it was too late to get out of harm’s way. Harm had already found its way to me. I firmly pushed my mother away from me and smiled at my dad.

“What are you guys doing here?”

Mom grabbed the baby carrier from me and gave me a stern look. Lovely! Off to a great start already!

“We’re here to help, darling! What else? And not a moment too soon by the looks of it.”

Excuse me? But to be on the safe side, I took a quick look around, just in case my clean and tidy living room had turned into a crack den during my brief absence—something my mother was obviously hinting at. To the left, no crack cocaine! To the right, nothing suspicious either!

“What the hell are you talking about?” I asked, annoyed at her presumptuous tone of voice.

“Don’t raise your voice, darling, and don’t be so sensitive. We’re all here now. Everything’s going to be fine. But you should really take baby Amber out of her carrier and take off her little jacket. Babies tend to overheat,” she lectured me, disappearing upstairs with my hospital bag in tow.

“
Arghhh
!” I hollered, then snorted, which drew a chuckle from my dad.

“She only means well.”

Oh, sure, that was the slogan of the relationship between me and my mom.
She only means well
.

Like she meant well years ago, when I had bought a pair of trendy jeans with super-cool rips in the knees and in the seat of the pants, and Mom proceeded to “mend” them. Or how she had lectured my first boyfriend about contraception—even though we had only been dating for two days, and I’d had no intention of exchanging anything but a few shy kisses with him.

Well,
she only meant well!

By the time I was fourteen, her hovering had already driven me out of my mind, and this hadn’t changed much over the years. Things did improve when my parents moved to Florida—thanks to the distance between us. But now I was
this
close to gritting my teeth again.

“Hi, Dad,” I said instead, exhausted, and busied myself undressing Amber. She had slept the entire way home and all throughout her brand-new grandparents’ warm welcome, and even now she didn’t seem particularly interested in her new home. She slept, unfazed.

“She is beautiful, just like you were when you were little,” he whispered, putting his hand on my shoulder. He seemed a little choked up, and in his eyes I saw pride, but also worry.

“How are you, Piper? Ho
w . . .
how are you handling things since Danie
l . . .
”

I took a step away from him. Pity was the last thing I needed right now. I needed to look ahead!

“Oh, don’t worry, Dad. I’m fine. Me and Amber, we’re a good team, and we’re going to manage.”

Trying to sell him that halfway convincingly took more strength than I expected. But my hormone-riddled emotions weren’t in good enough shape to handle anything other than this most pressing task at hand, which was to somehow keep my daughter alive and well.

“I would have called if I needed your help,” I assured him (knowing full well that this was a lie). Judging by the expression on his face he knew it, too, but he had the courtesy to act as if he believed me.

“I should get her formula ready,” I suggested and went into the kitchen with Amber in my arms. When I got there, I almost dropped her.

“What in God’s name is this?” I asked, my voice so shrill that my baby daughter replied with a quiet whimpering.

Dad seemed embarrassed, but there was no need for him to play innocent. This was his doing, for sure!

“Your mom said your kitchen wasn’t safe enough.”

In disbelief I stared at the numerous corner guards that now adorned edges and corners, the safety lock on the fridge, and the oversized stove-top contraption. Every cabinet had been childproofed with additional locks, and my trash can had disappeared completely. I stepped over to the fridge and tried to open it. No luck. Even shaking the door didn’t help. I would die of starvation—even though it was full of Cat’s frozen meals that would have lasted me for several more months!

“Not safe enough fo
r . . .
for who?”

“For Amber, of course!” Mom explained in a tone of utter conviction, as she entered the kitchen and opened the baby bottle steam sterilizer. A puff of water vapor escaped.

“You mean
this
Amber?” I asked, pointing at the motionless baby against my shoulder. “She’s four days old, Mom! She’s not exactly walking up to the fridge to get a bottle of beer!”

Mom gave a satisfied nod.

“That’s right, especially since I got rid of all the alcohol in the house. You have no idea how tempting it is for little kids to open all kinds of bottles!”

“I don’t believe you! Take a look around! It looks like an insane asylum in here! You’re taking all of this down! Right now!”

“But Piper!” Mom tried to object. However, my eyes made it very clear that I was about to explode. She swallowed her response.

“Very well. I’ll get a bottle ready for my little granddaughter, while you go relax in the living room. If you want. Get some rest. You seem to need it.”

I rolled my eyes and walked out of the kitchen. Without another word (which I surely would have regretted later) I left my parents standing where they were.

“I only want what’s best for you!” I could hear Mom calling and I decided that my nerves would be better served if there was a little more distance between us. And so I walked upstairs with Amber in my arms and sat down in the armchair in the nursery. The yellow walls Daniel and I had painted made the room look happy and bright, and it felt as if he were standing right here with me, watching us.

“I hope I’m doing a good job, Daniel,” I whispered, kissing Amber’s tiny nose. “But what if I’m not? What if I’m a failure—which is what my parents seem to think?”

I closed my eyes, strongly feeling his presence behind me. I half expected him to start massaging the back of my neck, as he had done so many times before.

“What’ll I do then, Daniel? What if—despite my very best efforts to be a good mom—I fail? What if I’m not good enough to be mother
and
father by myself?”

“You’re not going to be alone,” I thought I could hear him say. “You’ve got my parents, and yours. Accept people’s offers to help, and start living your life. Invite friends over to this house; that’s what we bought it for.”

I massaged my temple.

Fine, I would have to face the truth and admit to myself that I was hearing voices and losing my mind. But since Daniel was here, I might as well make the most of it. Psychosis or no psychosis!

“We bought it for
us
,” I reminded him angrily. That’ll show him how pissed I was at him for dying!

Even Amber seemed to hear him laughing, because she opened her eyes and smacked her tiny lips.

“Trust me, babe, I wish I could be with you guys. I wish I could hold my daughter. Tell me, what does that feel like? Is she heavy?”

I shook my head.

“She’s as light as a feather, but as hot as a lasagna fresh out of the oven. I’m sweating every time I hold her in my arms,” I said to Daniel’s ghost, and it felt not the least bit weird.

“And she smells good, too. You would idolize her, I’m sure. You should have been there during her birth! Her first cry, it wa
s . . .
Lord! Kev was weeping, can you imagine?”

I smiled when I thought back to that moment.

“He was wonderful. His being there gave me strength. I probably would have never made it without him.”

I opened my eyes and wiped away the tears clinging to my lashes.

“Look, I got her formula ready. Do you think she’s hungry?” Mom’s voice yanked me from my hallucination, and I decided to follow Daniel’s advice and accept her help.

“Thank you, Mom. And sorry, I’m exhausted is all. It’s nice that I don’t have to be alone.”

Amber sucked the milk from the bottle in big gulps. Mom touched my arm to show me that she wasn’t holding a grudge for my outburst earlier.

“You have every right to be angry with us. Your dad and I, we were just trying to make ourselves useful. We weren’t very supportive when Daniel died. You wanted to handle it by yourself, and we let you have your way, but now Amber’s here. It’s not going to be easy for you to cope with your emotions and grow into your role as a new mother at the same time. I know what I’m talking about, sweetie. And I was fortunate enough not to be alone when I raised you.”

She shook her head at the speed with which Amber was emptying her bottle, and I felt pride welling up inside of me. I was proud of this tiny girl who seemed so strong and content, even though she had to live through so many of my crying fits when she was still inside me.

Tenderly, I wiped from Amber’s chin a dribble of milk which trickled out between her lips with every gulp that she drank. As I held the bottle, her fist held onto my finger like a tiny vise.
Don’t even think about taking this away from me.
I guess that was what she was trying to say.

“How long are you guys staying?” I asked, and suddenly I wasn’t so sure anymore that I wanted them to leave. Maybe it would be a nice change to have someone take care of me, have people in the house, and not have to be strong all by myself.

“When you say you no longer need us, we’ll leave. And until that time, we will enjoy getting to know our granddaughter and paying a visit to our old hometown.”

Our old hometow
n
. . .
It sounded so odd. I had to suppress a smile because Mom was being dead serious. Her life here had been their
working life
. A necessity to get them where they were living now, in Florida. Her dream life. She would never return to Blue Hill.

“Sounds good,” I agreed and enjoyed a moment of inner peace, quite certain that it wouldn’t last long.

Amber gave a satisfied burp, and the silicone nipple slipped from her lips. She had fallen asleep, and the last bit of milk was bubbling from her mouth.

“Do you want me to take her?” Mom offered, but I shook my head. Holding Amber in my arms was like therapy. Therapy I desperately needed, apparently, given my Daniel hallucination earlier.

Mom stole out of the room and pulled the door closed behind her. I could hear the sound of an electric screwdriver in the kitchen, and I could almost see my dad removing the safety locks on my fridge.