Sound of the Tide (16 page)

“Moron!”

He laughed out loud, and I suppressed the urge to slap him—which he probably would have misinterpreted completely.

“I brought you and your baby a gift,” Ewan said, trying to make nice.

I hadn’t even noticed the small package by the door until he mentioned it, and he now went to fetch it.

“Here, for my very beautiful neighbor.”

He meant Amber, and I smiled forgivingly. Since I couldn’t unwrap the gift with the baby in my arms, I handed her to Ewan. He took her, but held her away from him with outstretched arms as if she were a ticking bomb. I giggled and pushed her closer against his chest so he wouldn’t accidentally drop her.

“Don’t worry, she doesn’t bite!”

“I’m not afraid of women who bite. But I don’t like it when they cry.”

I gave him an amused once-over and put my hands on my hips.

“Then how about you behave like a normal human being for once,” I suggested, and excitedly opened his gift.

With a big grin, I held out the plush dog, which looked a lot like Google, to Amber.

“I thought that if she snuggles up to the dog, then maybe one day her mom might snuggle up to me.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Or she could develop an allergy to dogs—and I to incorrigible charmers.”

Crap! His carefree laughter really made my hormones run riot! And here I’d been thinking they would calm down after I gave birth.

I straightened my back. As long as I wasn’t having sex dreams featuring
him
, I told myself, things were perfectly fine.

F
ORT
K
NOX

April

S
pring slowly made its way up the coastline, carrying a warm breeze and bringing golden rays of sunshine to Mellos Cove. Out in my front yard, tulips were sticking their bright, colorful heads out of the soil, and a bird family nesting in a roof beam above my bedroom window would wake me in the mornings.

These first few days of spring made me feel surprisingly easy, lighthearted, and almost happy. Amber claimed my time and energy in a way that left little time for gloomy thoughts, and she gave so much love in return that the hole in my heart seemed to be getting smaller every single day.

Of course, I also had episodes when I thought,
Oh my God, I just had a baby and have turned into a hypersensitive drama queen who constantly bursts into tears for absolutely no reason whatsoever
.

One time, for instance, I burst out crying because the pink baby sleeper I wanted to put on Amber was still in the wash and I had convinced myself that none of the other sleepers were bright and pink enough and that Amber would never forgive me if I dressed her in muted colors.

Another time, I was holding Amber in my arms and she just wouldn’t stop crying. She only stopped when Dad took her off my hands. Perhaps she had just cried herself tired by that point, but for me it was an irrefutable sign that she was missing her father, which made me descend into tearful self-pity for the next few hours.

Dozens more such personal crises were accompanied by this one phrase Dad kept saying over and over, which I was sick of hearing by now, “She only means well, you know.”

And yes, Mom always meant well. She meant particularly well about twelve weeks after Amber was born because that was the day when my parents—finally—returned to Florida.

Once I had the house to myself again, I felt liberated. When I listened to my own heartbeat, it sounded almost happy, almost carefree. The days were getting longer, and I could feel my soul coming out of hibernation, too. I had never before lived through such a dark winter, carried around with me such gloomy thoughts, and lived through so much cold and pain. And so this new spring seemed like the most beautiful spring I had ever seen. At times I was sorry that Daniel wasn’t here to celebrate nature’s rebirth with me, but then I was just glad that I had dug my way out of misery and had returned to some kind of normalcy.

And I also knew who had helped me through this.

Ewan Palmer.

The coming of spring made a difference, too, for sure, but whenever I caught myself thinking about a man, it wasn’t Ewan I was thinking about, it was Kevin. I was missing his laughter, his warm presence—and the little dimple in his chin. I thought about things he had said, and remembered our time together. And I found it harder and harder to stand back and accept his decision to leave. In the end, however, I wasn’t brave enough to shake the foundations of my newfound sense of stability. The way things were right now wasn’t perfect, but I was able to manage.

And a lot of it had to do with Ewan. My cheerfulness these last few days was very clearly connected with him.

As before, he kept seeing other women. And why shouldn’t he? I could tell from the cars parked in his driveway that some of them spent the night, but that didn’t change the fact that he was using every opportunity to come on to me.

Sometimes he reminded me of Daniel, who had never taken anything seriously in his life, and then I wondered whether it was me who had changed during these past few months. The reason was that Ewan’s carefree attitude, his particular lightness of being, bothered me somehow, even if we had become a little closer, helped along in no small part by my mother. We weren’t closer physically—my sex dreams remained unfulfilled, and fortunately they never featured Ewan—but mentally. We got along great. Things were easy with him, because there was nothing I said or did that he took particularly seriously, and he never gave me the chance to stay in a foul mood for long.

But it was as he’d said before. He was working a lot, leaving me with enough time to wonder what that thing was that we shared. I couldn’t find an answer. I needed Jenna’s help.

We were sitting outside on my back porch, enjoying a cup of coffee and the beautiful sunshine. Jenna had rolled up her pant legs, and I wasn’t wearing a jacket for the first time this year. Amber was asleep in her stroller, and her chubby cheeks were pink and rosy from all the fresh air.

“So, you want to talk about Ewan?” Jenna asked with unconcealed curiosity in her voice, looking at me expectantly.

“
Hmmm
, I guess so. I wanted to hear your opinion about us.”

“My opinion?” she asked very matter-of-factly. “Are there sparks flying, or aren’t there?”

I ran my fingers through my curls, wishing I were wearing a jacket I could wrap around me and hide behind. It felt strange, exploring my feelings like that.

“Sparks? Jeez, Jenna, we’re not sixteen years old anymore! A relationship between two people is a lot more than a biochemical cocktail made up of hormones and pheromones!”

“Bullshit! You can be as grown-up as you want—if there are no butterflies, then he isn’t the one!”

She crossed her arms over her chest, as if that were enough to make her point. “Having said that, there has to be something seriously wrong with you if you don’t get butterflies with Dr. Palmer. I mean, he’s so
hot
!”

She rolled her eyes, pining away quite convincingly.

“He’s got
something
,” I admitted with a sheepish smile. I couldn’t exactly say that Ewan’s bright-blue eyes and amazing butt had no effect on me whatsoever. Especially since he was dropping clear hints that he wouldn’t mind switching from friendship to
something more
. But then, there were all these other women I kept seeing him with, and I imagined that this would be a real problem for me if I fell in love with him.

“So, okay, he’s got something, and he thinks you and Amber are great and wonderful. What’s the problem, then?”

“I feel so guilty! And I don’t even know why. I’m not really in love with him or anything. I like him, but what kind of a person would I be if I got involved with someone new so soon after Daniel’s death?”

“Daniel would want you to be happy. Honey, the fact of the matter is that you didn’t die when he died, so start living!”

She gently touched my arm and looked at me encouragingly. “At times I thought I had buried you alongside him. Now you’re starting to come back to life. You need to open up and allow it!”

I drank from my cup, and followed with my eyes a seagull that was circling above the crest of a wave.

Since I didn’t respond immediately, Jenna shook her head in resignation.

“Well, so, take your time. You don’t have to jump into the sack with him right away. But, if you feel comfortable around him, I see nothing wrong with you opening up a little. You’ve been so closed off these past six months. You are harder to crack than Fort Knox.”

I mulled over what she had said. I didn’t think of myself as being standoffish. But perhaps I really had crammed all of my feelings and emotions into a box and tried to lock it away for good, just so the pain of Daniel’s death would stop having an effect on me. What would happen, I wondered, if I were to open that box—Pandora’s box?

“Maybe you guys should just go out,” Jenna suggested, and massaged her chin as if coming up with a plan. “Just the two of you. I could stay with Amber.”

“Go out? Are you out of your mind? I can’t leave Amber!”

“Leave? Nobody’s talking about leaving her. You go out, grab a cup of coffee or drink a glass of wine—and then you come back home. I’m not asking you to go out partying all night, but you need to get away from smelly diapers for a little while! Wear something that doesn’t have Amber’s spit-up on it. Get dressed up and put some makeup on, darling!”

I glared at her angrily, rubbing at the white milk stain on my shirt. Her words weren’t flattering, to be sure—but maybe she was telling the truth.

“Do something for yourself, is what I’m saying. Because somewhere between Daniel’s death and Amber’s birth, you—sweet, kind, funny Piper—got lost. I miss you. Sometimes I think you don’t really know who you are anymore. You’re only worrying about who you
should
be, just so you can live up to
him
.”

With a sharp cry, the seagull threw itself into the waves and emerged carrying a small, shiny fish in its beak.

Death was a fact of life. Was the seagull trying to tell me that? If so, I wished it would tell me how I could apply that morsel of wisdom to my own screwed-up existence.

“I’ll think about it, all right?” That was all I could offer her, but apparently it was enough for Jenna to start making plans.

“I would love for the two of you to work out!” she enthused, sounding pretty hopeful already.

“I thought you wanted to claim Ewan for your own,” I said, remembering that he had caught her signing napkins “Mrs. Jenna Palmer.”

“
Hmmm
, based upon his excellent visual and masculine characteristics I did briefly consider him a worthy candidate.”

I smiled at her over-the-top speech.

“But Frank has convinced me that he actually deserves a second look.”

“Oh, so your little Italian lover has stopped straying?”

Jenna’s face turned bright red. “Yeah, h
e . . .
he’s really been making an effor
t.
And he’s not that little! He’s been talking about taking things to the next level.”

“But that’s wonderful! Why didn’t you tell me? Do you think he’s going to propose?”

She gave me an uneasy glance. It was a look you don’t see on her often.

“I don’t know. I was afraid it might hurt your feelings. You know, me happy and yo
u . . .
”

“Oh, Jenna!” I jumped to my feet and hugged her. “You’re being silly! I never want to hear that sort of crap from you ever again! You’re my best friend, for goodness’ sake! How can you even think I wouldn’t want you to be happy?”

“No, no, I don’t think that, it’s just tha
t . . .
I can only imagine how much it must have hurt to lose Daniel, because
I
could barely take the idea of never hearing him laugh again, and never seeing him put his arms around you. Frank comforted me during that time, but yo
u . . .
you were alone, you had nobody to comfort you! So how can I rub your nose in my happiness? I love you too much for that, Piper!”

“Silly billy! I wasn’t alone! I had you, remember? I know it looked like I wanted to be left alone. But knowing that you and Kevin would be there for me, that you actually
were
there for me whenever I almost lost my fight against these awful fits of depression, gave me strength every single day.”

“Oh, Piper! I really wish Daniel were here! I wish you were happy and this horrible, horrible time was just a bad dream all along!”

I couldn’t say anything except nod and try to swallow the lump in my throat.

“Life has really served you a whole big plate of full-on crap!”

That was Jenna, my Jenna, and I loved her so much for it. She was direct—and straight to the point!

The mascara was running down her cheeks in long tear-soaked streams, and for the first time since I’d known her she didn’t even seem to mind at all.

I was laughing and crying at the same time. One day she would help me wake from this nightmare. Actually, one day someone would kiss me awake, like in one of those stupid fairy tales. But I didn’t need the entire kingdom to be trapped in one hundred years of sleep like I was. I didn’t want the thorns and vines to grow around everyone else just because they had the misfortune of being near me. Those were my thorns, my vines, and I would handle them. Today, more than six months after Daniel’s death, I firmly believed that I was strong enough to live through any evil fairy-tale stuff life might try to throw at me. After all, I had managed to watch
Criminal Minds
all by myself again!

Amber started to cry, and I could almost see the thorns retreat from my enchanted castle, letting me become a good mother to my child.

I lifted Amber from her stroller, took her into my arms, and went inside. Jenna followed us into the kitchen, where I got the baby bottle ready with one by now well-experienced hand.

When Jenna saw her reflection in the shiny kitchen cabinet doors, she threw her hands up in shock.

“
Ahhh
! Look at my face! My mascara! I need to fix this before Amber thinks I’m a clown right out of Stephen King’s
I
t
!”

She tore off a paper towel and started dabbing at her eyes and cheeks.

“I’m going to assume that you’ll have fixed the damage by the time Amber is actually old enough to watch the movie.”

“Hmm, I hope so!” She applied fresh powder to her cheeks and seemed reasonably content. “Speaking of movies,” she continued, handing me the roll of paper towels so I could wipe Amber’s milk-drenched face, “I spoke with Smokey a few days ago.” She sat down.