Sound of the Tide (23 page)

Kevin opened the door, and our eyes met. His face showed surprise, but he smiled a friendly smile.

Meanwhile, I felt like Wile E. Coyote when he had just had a giant rock dropped on his head. The world around me was spinning, and I was seeing tiny stars. It felt unreal, standing in front of him again after all this time, almost like one of those moments in life that you never ever want to forget. My heart was doing somersaults, and my palms were sweaty.

“Hi, wha
t . . .
what are you doing here?” he asked, and looked around in every direction as if he expected to find the answer somewhere down the street.

I tried to dig my way out from under this giant cartoon rock and took a deep, long breath because the air had suddenly become so thin.

“H
i . . . I . . .
I wante
d . . .
”
Jesus Christ, you’re babbling! Pull yourself together, Piper, and get to the point!

Reminding myself that I was angry, I put on a defiant stare and crossed my arms over my chest in a pointedly spiteful stance.

“How long have you been back, Kev?”

He took a step back and wrinkled his forehead.

“Almost three weeks. May I ask why you want to know?”

“Three weeks?!” I cried in disbelief. “You’ve been back for three weeks and you didn’t think to call me? Why?”

Kevin leaned against the doorframe and took a deep breath.

No “Hello, Piper. Please, do come in!” Or “It’s so nice to see you!” Just this look in his eyes, a mix of anger and grief. As if he had a reason for staring at me like that! I mean, he was the one who went away—he was the one who left everything unsaid between us!

“I asked you a question, Kevin!”

“I heard you, but as usual you don’t really know what you’re talking about.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Had he gone completely cuckoo-pants? Why wouldn’t he give me a reasonable explanation? Besides, damn right I knew what I was talking about!

“It means that as usual you don’t bother to think things through before you say them, or worry about the effect your words might have on other people! Or if maybe you’re wrong about what you think you know!”

“What? I have no idea what you’re saying. Are you trying to talk your way out of this? So it’s my fault that you’ve been ignoring me?”

He laughed, but he didn’t sound amused.

“Well, it’s never your fault, Piper, is it? I mean, how could it be, given that you’re the one who’s got
real
problems, right? After all, your life is oh-so-complicated, and nobody could possibly expect you to look beyond your own goddamn nose! Isn’t that right?”

What the hell was going on here?

“Are you kidding me? What? What are you trying to tell me, Kevin? I a
m . . .
I didn’t come here to get into a fight with you! I only wanted to know what I’ve done for you to ignore me!”

He looked me square in the face, and there was deep-set pain in his eyes.

“It’s
impossible
to ignore you, Piper! Even when I try real hard! Even when I move more than a hundred miles away!”

He shook his head and forced himself to calm down. “I have tried, Piper,
really
tried! I left so I wouldn’t jeopardize our friendship, so I wouldn’t want something that I can never have!” For a moment he seemed to want to reach his hands out for me, but he held back. “Out of sight, out of mind—well, it didn’t work in this case.”

“But coming back and then not calling, that worked out better? I don’t see what the problem is, Kevin! We’re friends, aren’t we?”

“Oh, Piper! You are driving me nuts!”

He shook his head and massaged his chin.

“I didn’t come back precisely because we are friends, Piper! Although honestly, I don’t see us ever being
friends
again—I realize that now.”

He looked up into the sky and shrugged his shoulders in a helpless-seeming gesture. “Trust me, this is not how I wanted this to go! Do I wish things were different? Sure, bu
t . . .
”

He didn’t finish the sentence, but I knew exactly what he was trying to say. I had seen it in all the pictures in Jenna’s photo album.

“You’re in love with me?” I whispered, wondering what kind of answer I was hoping for.

Kevin stared at the floor.

“It was hard enough when Daniel was still alive, but at least you were happy! He was my best friend, which was the only reason I forgave him for falling in love with the woman
I . . .
”

He looked up into the night sky again and shook his head. “I mean, I couldn’t hold it against him that he thought you were great and wonderful, because you
are
great and wonderful. But I swear to you, Piper, if he hadn’t been my friend and if you hadn’t fallen in love with him, too, I would never have let you go!”

Full of tenderness, he let his eyes wander over me.

“But this time, I’ve come back to find out if I have any chance left.”

I reached for his hand and looked him in the eye.

“Wh
y . . .
why didn’t you just get in touch, Kev?”

“Like I said earlier, you are wrong about what you think you know! If you must know, I did get in touch, I even stopped by Mellos Cove! I drove out just to see you—right on the first day I got back, but yo
u . . .
you were busy! I didn’t want to intrude!”

“Busy? Busy doing what? I can assure you, Kevin, you would never intrude!”

“You weren’t alone, Piper, and you didn’t seem to particularly dislike the company of your very handsome neighbor. Rather, I got the impression that the two of you were quit
e . . .
intimate. Too intimate for my taste!”

He wasn’t trying to hide his disappointment, and it made me furious to think that he was reading way more than there actually was into this thing between Ewan and me.

“Dear Lord, Kevin!” I exclaimed. “I’m not allowed to know other men?”

“Know? Of course! But it’s not about that. The three of you seemed like the picture-perfect happy family! I had no idea you’d get over Daniel that quickly!”

He pulled his hand away. “Maybe you and Daniel weren’t as happy as I always thought you were—maybe I was just a complete idiot!”

Ouch! I flinched as if he’d slapped me across the face. My eyes started tearing up, and I felt chillingly betrayed. This coming from him, of all people, was a shock to me! My voice was trembling from suppressed anger and pain.

“You jerk!” I said. “As if you were such a saint yourself! I loved Daniel! I still love Daniel! You’re worried I’m getting over him too quickly?”

I laughed a bitter laugh.

“Would you still say that if you were in Ewan’s shoes? Or do you make up your own rules as you go along?”

I was hurt and upset. I needed to get away and I turned around, wanting to run—but I didn’t get very far because I felt his fingers digging into my arm as he spun me around to face him.

“You’re right, Piper! I am not applying the same standards. So maybe I’m not playing fair, but why should I? I’m already feeling like a traitor and a complete idiot! What do you think it’s like, loving you? Daniel was my best friend, and I should put you out of my head, if only out of respect for him! But I can’t!”

He stared past me, over my shoulder, somewhere, just so he could avoid my eyes.

“That’s why I left. I was embarrassed to feel the way I do! And I wanted to still be his friend, even though he’s dead. Didn’t want to be in love with
his
woman! I didn’t want to hurt him, or you. But you know what, Piper? My heart didn’t care about that decision of mine. It just wouldn’t stop beating for you. Never! Not once. For years I tried again and again to get over you because you were with him, but when he died”—there was so much shame and embarrassment in his eyes—“and you were so sad, all I wanted was this one thing, to take you into my arms. I’m a hypocrite, Piper! My best friend is dead, and all I can think about is how much I love you. And when you called me that night, I couldn’t pretend any longer that I didn’t! For weeks I’ve been trying to deny it, but now, now I give up!”

Tenderly, he caressed my cheek, forcing himself to smile, though he looked pained.

“I went to your house to tell you that I love you, Piper, but if that doctor is making you happy, the
n . . .
I need to accept that. In the same way that I accepted it with Daniel. Except I can’t spend the next ten years by your side when there’s no hope that perhaps one day you might love me back. Don’t you see?”

I couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t swallow, and blinking my eyes was completely out of the question. With my last ounce of strength I managed a weak nod.

“We can’t just be friends anymore, Piper. I love you too much for that!”

“Kev!”

Was that me crying out in desperation? He leaned in and kissed my cheek. As tenderly as a feather that grazed me as it drifted to the ground. Then he let go of me and walked back to the door.

“Come inside with me if you think there’s hope.”

He looked at me with big, sad eyes.

“But if not, Piper, then maybe you shouldn’t come here anymore.”

With that, he walked inside without turning back. He left the door ajar, and I could feel a flow of air that made me take an involuntary step toward his house.

I wanted to call after him, tell him to stop talking this way because he was breaking my heart! It was tearing me apart, and I was weeping as I tilted my head back and stared up into the night sky.

The peacefully glimmering stars contrasted with the roiling lava, white-hot and full of excruciating pain that threatened to break out of me and stifle any emotion I might still be capable of.

I wished Daniel could see me and help me make the right decision, but there was no supernatural sign up in the sky. No falling star, no heavenly light. And, most of all, no Daniel.

There was only Kevin and me. Kevin, who could no longer be my friend.

I could hear my own sobs coming from very far away as I ran toward my car.

L
IKE
W
E
U
SED TO
D
O

July

S
uddenly, the world seemed way too cold for a night in July. My entire body was shivering. It was as if the air were made of razor blades that were cutting into my lungs with every breath I took. I was probably dying from internal bleeding, which would at least explain why my fingers and toes were so freezing cold and tingling.

Massive blood loss!
The thought pounded inside my head, and I stumbled across the unlit driveway, almost blinded by tears.

I felt like I had suddenly become a different person from the one who stood in Kevin’s front door only moments ago. His face, the way he was struggling with his feelings, his expression of terrible agony, were etching themselves into my brain. I fought with all my might against the terrible fear of losing him. Lips trembling, I wrestled down the fear.

I got the box I had gone to fetch from the car, took it to his open doorway, and held it out to him.

“Daniel’s treasures,” I explained and opened the lid so he could see the baseball. “You should look after them, Kev.”

He just stood and stared at me. For ages!

My hands were ice-cold from nervous excitement, and I was afraid I would regret my decision if he didn’t come over to me right this instant.

Jeez, I had never felt so torn before!

When I left my house earlier that night, I had buried the possibility of feeling anything but friendship for him deep beneath my fears and anxieties, but now it seemed like the only solution to the question that had been haunting me for all these many months without him. To never see him again would tear the last remaining piece of my heart out of my chest. How blind I had been! No, not blind—cowardly!

“Kevi
n . . . I . . .
”

He approached, and with every step he took, my pulse quickened. Somehow I had completely forgotten how good-looking he really was.

He closed the lid and took the small box from me, all the while keeping his eyes fixed on me. Without paying it any further notice, he set it aside.

“I have always imagined so many wonderful ways in which to own up to my feelings for you. I am sorry that I wasn’t very subtle about it. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I would never do that!”

I found it hard to fight back my tears. “I’m really starting to believe that love hurts.”

I wiped a tear from the corner of my eye.

“Is that why you’re crying, Piper? Because you feel the same way? So there’s hope for me?”

I didn’t know. I had already fallen in love with Kevin once. We had always been close, and my happiness with Daniel had been nothing short of perfect in part because Kevin was always around. My heart knew him like it knew nobody else, and it was longing to beat as one with his. No need to play pretend with him. When I was with Kevin, I could allow myself to be who I was, because he knew me inside and out. He was such a big part of me that the question of love was a bit redundant, really. Of course I loved him.

And ever since he’d left for Portland, I had also come to realize that I was pining for him, that I was thinking of him in those moments when I wasn’t wishing for a friend but for a partner.

He’d been a great guy when we were young, and it had been easy to fall in love with him. Maybe I wouldn’t have left him back then if I hadn’t been so worried that his heart—deep down—was only beating for his music and not for me. After every single performance we would get into fights, because I wouldn’t believe that he didn’t care at all about the cheering girls down in the audience.

I had been a coward already then, preferring to end the relationship before things could get too serious. That’s when Kevin’s friend Daniel arrived on the scene. His passionate and fun-loving way of living life struck me like a lightning bolt, and the best thing was that he was completely tone-deaf! With Daniel, every day was like chasing tornadoes, and his highly addictive enthusiasm had almost always swept me away. But whenever things were getting to be too much, Kevin’s calm and quiet presence had grounded me.

Kevin wasn’t chasing after tornadoes (only after good tunes, perhaps). And, ultimately, neither was I. The only thing I wanted was for someone to gently take me into his arms and to make me feel safe. Far away from any storm.

And now I was staring into his eyes, and the question was not whether or not I felt it, too. Of course I felt it. I loved Kevin. Except—did I love him enough? Did I love him the right way, and not just as a loyal old friend?

“Kevin,
I . . .
don’t want to lose you. I need you!”

“Needing and loving are not the same things, Piper.”

“You know that I love you.”

He looked at me, all the way to the bottom of my soul, and I couldn’t stop him from reading me like an open book.

“It doesn’t feel like you love me,” he whispered.

“Because I’m afraid. I’m so goddamn afraid, Kevin.”

“What are you afraid of?”

He lifted me up and carried me over to the sofa. As he sat down, he held me tight in his lap. I put my head on his shoulder, and his calm and steady heartbeat instantly made me feel safe and secure. It didn’t matter how cold the night was outside—I was in here with Kevin, and I knew he wouldn’t allow me to be cold.

“I’m afraid of losing the man I love all over again.” My lips were trembling, and my throat was sore from all the tears welling up. “I wouldn’t be strong enough to go through all of that all over again. You know what I’ve been through. Shit, Kevin, I was so naked and vulnerable and raw! For months! It seems like a miracle to me that I managed to pull a thin veil over those wounds. I can’t just drop the veil and open up. I’m afraid to feel again, Kev!”

Kevin kissed me on the temple, and his arms were holding me tight against his strong chest.

“Piper Colby, you’re a silly thing!”

His breath was warm on the back of my neck, and I snuggled up closer.

“You don’t need to open up now. Of course it takes time for your wounds to heal. I know exactly how you feel, remember? I know, because you’re so close to me that sometimes I think we’re the same person. I’ve been feeling your pain from day one, and also feeling so goddamn helpless! Daniel’s death has affected us all and torn deep wounds. For you more than for me. But wounds heal, Piper. Someday. You don’t want me to see your wounds? That’s okay. I only need to take a look in the mirror to know how you feel.”

His hands were firm around my waist, and it felt right. He wasn’t coming on to me, but rather offering the help and support I desperately needed.

“I love you, Piper. I am not afraid to stand before you, despite all the wounds and scars the two of us have. If you want me, I’m yours. I would never push you or expect you to forget Daniel, but I have to hope that one day, when time has healed your wounds, I won’t have to sleep on top of the covers anymore.”

His breath against my ear made me forget who I was. I was a prisoner of his words.

“Excep
t . . .
If you think that my hope is in vain, Piper, I will—”

“It’s not, Kevin. It’s not!”

I touched the dimple in his chin, and smiled. Couldn’t he tell what I was feeling?

“I do love you! I just don’t know if I’m ever going to love you the way I love Daniel. That’s not something I can promise, because my feelings for you are different. They’re just as deep—but they’re different.”

Kevin laughed quietly.

“Love is never the same, Piper, because the people we have those feelings for aren’t the same. And that’s a good thing, because it means we won’t have to measure which love is bigger or better—we are free to accept our feelings for what they are, without having to forget about our past loves. I wouldn’t want you to love me the way you love him—only, are you sure it really is love, Piper? Not just friendship?”

Was I sure about that? I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. My heart was pounding, and I could feel a tingle starting in the pit of my stomach, moving up to my throat and all the way to the tip of my tongue because the words I had been carrying around with me for so long, always hidden beneath my consciousness, were trying to break free.

“Yes, Kev. I am sure!”

And I really was, no matter how crazy it sounded. It was mind-boggling to admit, but it was as if Kevin was the deep, nourishing root that was feeding my happiness. He had attached me firmly to the ground after all this time.

We looked at one another and laughed. It was a shy laugh, full of fear and cautious optimism, and it made me so happy, as if I were holding my child in my arms for the first time.

If we had been young and innocent and naive, we would surely have kissed. This was the kind of moment where people kissed. I knew that, and Kevin probably did, too, but we weren’t quite there yet. Figuratively speaking, we stood facing one another, each wrapped in our own blanket, and all we knew was that we would never be cold again. We would keep each other warm. Everything else would—little by little—fall into place when the time was right.

I leaned my head against Kevin’s shoulder and closed my eyes.

“Piper?”

“Hmm, yes?”

“I’ve missed you.”

It was well past midnight when I got home, said good-bye to Jenna and Frank—the two of them looked like they could hardly wait to find out what had happened—and stood by Amber’s crib. Sleep was out of the question. I felt so alive and awake, as if someone had poured a bucket of ice water over my head.

When I was lying in Kevin’s arms, it had been easy to make my decision and choose him, but now that I was alone I was having second thoughts. They weren’t the feelings of guilt I so frequently had when thinking about my future without Daniel, but rather the question of how I was going to make my way into that future with all this baggage from the past weighing on my shoulders.

This time we weren’t teenagers who had fallen in love and managed to ignore the entire world around them. We were grown-ups with responsibilities.

I looked down at my daughter, praying she would never have to suffer the consequences of my decisions. Which was why I didn’t want to rush things. Kevin was here, and that was all that mattered. Maybe—and I really hoped for this to be true—time would bring us together in the same way it had once before.

I sat down in the armchair next to Amber’s crib, wondering if Daniel would be mad at me if he knew.

I tried to call him, summon him, conjure up his presence in some way, but it wasn’t working. He was in the process of letting me go. Still, I was able to hear his voice even though I hadn’t felt him in a very long time.

“You’re such a chicken, babe!” I heard him say quietly inside my head. “It’s like with our crime shows. You know what’s happening, so why do you never have the courage to actually watch?”

He didn’t seem to expect an answer, and so I just shrugged my shoulders. This wasn’t about
Criminal Minds
Thursday anyway.

“Close your eyes, babe, and I’ll tell you what’s going to happen.”

I smiled, but I obeyed.

“It’s one of those last, warm days in the fall. You look magnificent. You’re wearing that beautiful sundress—the one with the polka dots. Your hair is flying in the wind, and your laughter is ringing out over the beach. You are throwing Amber high up in the air, and she’s screaming with joy. Her eyes are brighter than the sun that’s looking down on you guys from the sky. Her little curls are unruly, just like yours, and you have no idea what a perfect moment you have just created. You are happy, both of you, and the love in your eyes is no longer mine but belongs to someone else. He’s been watching you this whole time. The ice cream he went to get for you is melting and already running down his fingers—that’s how long he’s been standing there and watching you. You laugh, but Amber is getting impatient. She really wants her ice cream now. Hand in hand, you walk across the beach and over to the dock. It looks quite new, and the wood beneath your bare feet still feels silky and smooth. You all sit down and dangle your feet in the water while enjoying your ice cream. You’re thinking of me, and I’m glad I can share that moment with you, if only in your hearts. And I’m so happy that you’re happy.”

I pressed my hand against my lips and tasted the salty tears.

“Why did you have to leave?” I breathed, and my chest was tight with grief. I missed him so much, but what hurt even more was how much I was hoping for this glimpse of my future to come true. I wanted to love again!

“Hey, babe, you’re going to have to let me go now. You don’t need me around to be happy. Don’t be a chicken, babe! Leave your fears behind and be happy!”