Social Skills (23 page)

“Huh?”

“Did
your date with Ray go badly or something?”

He’d
almost forgotten about the date. “Uh, no, it was all right, I guess.”

“Just
all right? No sparks?”

He
couldn’t remember. “I’m…I’m not sure.”

“Uh
huh. Well, I wouldn’t worry about that too much. Maybe they’ll come later…or
maybe they won’t, and you’ll move on. Either way, I just hope you know there
are other people out there.”

“Yeah.”
Connor sat heavily, pulling out his instrument and setting his music on the
stand.

Rebecca
gave him a searching look, but he warded her off by breaking into a scale. He
played with rapid, powerful strokes, trying to keep his energy trained on the
notes and not on the chaos of
what ifs
that had invaded his mind.

The
technical warm-ups did hold his attention, but when they began to practice the
more melodious
Bolero
, his thoughts
inevitably wandered.

What
was Jared doing right then? Waiting by the phone, perhaps? Maybe he was
planning where they’d meet up for coffee. Would he choose one of the many
places on campus, or the Starbucks down on The Corner? Either way, they’d be in
public, surrounded by masses of other students.

“All
right.” Rebecca abruptly cut off her note, dropping her violin. “Out with it.”

Connor
blinked into her steady gaze. “Out with…what?”

“Whatever
is going on in your head. And don’t tell me it’s nothing.”

Caught,
he thought sourly.

He
tucked his violin under his arm, debating whether or not to tell her. It ended
up being a quick decision—she’d figure it out anyway, either by
persistent interrogation, or with her wily feminine ways. Besides, he’d need
her advice sooner or later.

“Jared
came by last night.”

“Oh?”
Rebecca said, her tone guarded. “What did he want?”

A
tiny smile worked its way onto his lips. “Me, I guess.”

“You?”

“Yeah.
He wants to get back together.”

Rebecca
tugged on her ponytail, twisting it up in her hand. “I see. And what did you
tell him?”

He
could sense her disapproval, even if she kept her expression completely neutral.
“I told him…we needed to see if we could be friends first.”

Rebecca
nodded slowly. “Uh huh. Well that’s…a good start, I suppose. And what about
Ray?”

“I…I
don’t know.”

“Well
if you’re considering getting back with Jared, you should probably be truthful
with him.”

“I
didn’t say we were getting back together. I…I don’t know what to do, honestly. What
do you think?”

“Connor.”
She inhaled deeply, shaking her head.

He
frowned. “You’re not going to tell me, are you.”

“Nope.
I don’t think it would do any good, anyhow. I think you already know what you’re
going to do.”

“No,
I don’t.”

Rebecca
raised a skeptical brow. “I know how you feel about him. And I can already see
it on your face.”

She
could? Was she reading him better than he was reading himself? “Look, I’m not
rushing into anything. I know things might not work out…but you don’t know him
like I do. He’s not just some dumb jock—he’s sweet, and caring…and…and…”

“And?”
she prompted when he stalled out.

“And…he
said he loved me. But he was drunk, so I know it doesn’t count,” he finished in
a rush.

“That’s
right, it doesn’t.” Rebecca tapped her violin for emphasis. “Nor does it count
immediately before, after, or during sex.”

Connor
sighed. “I know you’re just trying to watch out for me. But…but if we can be
friends—real friends—I just thought…I thought maybe there’d be a
chance. I know he’s not ready to come out, but if we could still do stuff
together when other people are around, maybe…maybe then—” His voice rose in
pitch as he spoke, and he cut himself off before he wound up an octave higher. “Crap.
I have no idea.”

“It’s
all right.” Rebecca soothed. “Just take things slowly, okay? Don’t make any
hasty decisions. Promise me you’ll think it through.”

He
released a shaky breath. “Yeah. I’m trying to.”

“Good.”
She raised her instrument, plucking the strings with her pinky. “And he knows
that I know, right?”

“He
knows.”

“So
you can tell him, if he messes with you again…he’ll have to answer to me.”

Connor
closed his eyes, tension fading as laughter escaped.

“Hey,
quit laughing.” Rebecca poked him with her bow. “I could totally take him.”

“Yeah.”
Connor lifted his violin, ready to lose himself in the music again. “Yeah, I
sorta think you could.”

***

He
left Old Cabell Hall with his cell phone in hand, but for some reason, couldn’t
bring himself to dial.

What
was he getting into?
Think things through,
Rebecca had said. He forced
his mind to attempt the task, his feet slowing as he reached the McCormick
first-year dorms. The last time he’d been there, he’d been a walking
zombie, embarrassing himself in front of Jared’s roommate and friends.

Would
things be any different now? He wanted to believe he’d changed—that he
was stronger and more capable—but was he just proving himself a fool for
considering Jared again?

Then
there was the way Jared had looked at him that night, with anger, and maybe
even a little fear. It didn’t speak highly for their chances at a legitimate
friendship. And what about the rest of Jared’s friends? How would they react if
they found out Jared was buddying up to an openly gay violinist?

Obstacles
were mounting with each step he took, and he finally came to a stop. Maybe the
whole thing was a pipe dream, and after dragging things out, he’d wind up even
more devastated than before. Did he have the strength to withstand that? He wasn’t
so sure. And he didn’t want to have to wait weeks to know if everything was going
to fall apart—he needed to know
now.

He
started walking again, a frantic plan unfolding in his head. Instead of
continuing down the road, he turned and took the path to Jared’s building. He
didn’t know what he was going to say when he got there, but that wasn’t really
the point. The point was to see how
Jared
would react.

Real
friends should be able to show up unannounced. If Jared was cold or distant
after his arrival, then he’d know, right then and there, that they didn’t have
a chance. But if he was happy to see him, maybe told his roommate they were
going to hang out…

He
was just coming upon Jared’s suite when a flash of movement caught his attention.
The door swung out and Jared stood there, holding it open for Veronica.

“See
you later, Ronnie.” Jared’s voice was tired but gentle, and he squeezed her
shoulder as she moved past him.

Veronica
paused, bringing a hand up to stroke Jared’s face. Connor couldn’t see their
eyes from where he was standing, but it seemed they were staring directly at
each other for a long, emotionally-charged moment.

Then
Veronica leaned in and kissed Jared. Hard, and directly on the lips.

Chapter Twenty-one

Connor
whirled around and took off before even a second passed, a wild sob gripping
his throat.

“Ronnie,
what the—” Jared’s voice reached his ears, but it barely registered as he
was already at the stairs. “Connor? Fuck.”

And
then Jared’s footsteps were after him, accelerating as he scrambled even faster
to get away.

“Connor!
Connor, hold up!”

Connor
ignored him and ran on, his violin crashing painfully at his side.

“You
don’t actually think you’re gonna outrun me, do you?” Jared clamped down on his
shoulder, spinning him into a standstill.

Now
that he was no longer moving, he felt the streams of tears traveling his cheeks.
The urge to escape grew stronger and he twisted frantically to free himself
from Jared’s grip.

“Shit,
Connor,” Jared breathed softly. He brought his other arm down and lifted Connor
by his shoulders, then pulled him behind the trees at the side of the building.

“L-let
go of me!” Connor scratched out.

“Baby,
please listen to me.”

“No!”
He tried again to break free, without success. “Y-you were kissing her. You
were probably sleeping with her the whole time we were together!”

“Please,
Connor.” Jared gripped his shoulders so tightly they felt like they would crack.
“I need you to listen to me.
She
kissed
me…
and I have no idea
why she did that. Maybe it was like one last hurrah.”

“What…what
is that supposed to mean?”

Jared
led him further along the side of the building before he spoke again, keeping
his voice low. “I had her over today because…well, you were right. I don’t
think she understood things were really over between us, and I know how much
that bothered you. I wanted to make it completely clear, so I told her there’s
no chance we’d ever be getting back together. I told her I wanted to be with
someone else.”

Too
stunned to move anymore, Connor stood perfectly still as Jared lifted his high
school football t-shirt and used the hem to wipe away his tears. Jared’s
well-toned abdomen was on display for a moment, and despite the whirlwind of
emotions, Connor found himself getting aroused.

“A-and
she accepted that?”

“Uh,
I guess maybe not.” Jared chewed on his bottom lip. “I mean, I thought she had,
but we did spend a good portion of the conversation arguing. She kept bringing
up all this random stuff, saying we were ‘meant to be together’ or some shit. That
she’d been fucking
told
everything was going to work out between us—though I
have no idea
who
would have told her
that since as far as I know she’s managed to push away most of her friends. And
then the kiss…I don’t know what that was all about…but after this, I’m just
done
.
I’m done playing it nice, I’m done trying to be supportive. I don’t know what
the hell she’s been smoking, but I don’t have room for her in my life anymore. I
need that room for you.”

“O-oh.”
The last of the wild panic began to subside.

“You
gotta trust me, Connor. I have never cheated on you, I swear. Please believe
me.”

Jared’s
chestnut eyes bore into his with an extra dimension of fiery conviction,
leaving him momentarily speechless.

“I
do,” he finally responded. His knees wobbled, and Jared supported his weight by
pulling him into a hug.

“Thank
you. Thank you for believing in me,” Jared whispered, rocking him gently.

The
embrace was so warm and familiar that Connor instinctively leaned in. He
burrowed his face into Jared’s shirt, inhaling the scent he’d missed for so
long. “I’m…I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions.”

“It’s
okay. I don’t blame you. I’m sorry you had to see that.” Jared held him even closer.
“When I saw you kiss that guy last night…well, it really sucked.”

A
chill of guilt ran through Connor, though another stern voice in his head—sounding
suspiciously like Rebecca—reminded him he’d done nothing wrong.

“Hey.”
Jared reached out to brush back a piece of his hair. “What do you say we make a
pact not to kiss anyone but each other from now on?”

Reality
struck, and Connor pulled away. “Jared, I still think we need to—”

Jared
yanked him close again, kissing the top of his head. “Sorry, I know. Friends.”

This
time Connor made no attempt to break away from Jared’s arms. They weren’t
exactly out in the open, but they weren’t completely hidden, either, and the
risk of being caught made Jared’s hold on him that much more intoxicating.

“What
are you doing tonight?” Jared whispered into his hair.

“Um,
I have the play, but nothing after that.”

“Well,
would you let me take you out for a late dinner? As friends?”

Connor’s
heart swelled with so much hope it nearly brought more tears to his eyes. “Uh,
yeah.” He nodded into Jared’s shirt. “I…I should get going, then. I kinda have
a paper to work on.”

Jared
dropped his arms with a grin. “There’s the little bookworm I remember.”

***

Connor
arrived at his seat in the pit when the house lights flickered, at the last
possible minute—on purpose.

His
shoulders twitched as though they could feel Ray’s questioning eyes boring into
them.

“Cutting
it a little close?” Ray murmured.

Amy
raised her baton and the overture began, saving Connor from an awkward response.

He
used the music to calm himself. Clear, predictable notes flowed as they
transitioned into the opening number, and for a time, Connor drifted away from
all the confusion in his life. He wove his song and tried to drink in the
confidence that came through in his playing, hoping it would somehow be
available after his fingers no longer touched the strings.

He
was going to need it.

He
let Ray grab him at the intermission and pull him backstage, just as the
audience applause died down.

“Hey,
I wanted to apologize about last night. I know I probably came on too strong,
but you can’t really blame me, can you?” Ray batted his lashes.

Connor’s
gut twisted. He looked around, hoping for a distraction—anything to delay
the conversation he knew he had to have.

“Everything
all right?” Ray stroked his palm with a thumb.

Connor
pulled his hand away. “I…I have to tell you something.”

“Yeah?”
Ray lifted a worried brow. “Something wrong?”

“N-no…but
I just felt like I should tell you this…to be fair.”

“Tell
me what?” Taking up a disinterested stance, Ray studied the fingernails of his
left hand. “That you’re not into me? Because I’m starting to get that vibe.”

“It’s
not that.”

What
was it, though? He had no desire to lie anymore, but he didn’t have solid
answers, either.

“It’s
just…I told you I was with someone before, and I thought he was completely out
of my life…but maybe he’s not.”

Ray
took a slow, thoughtful breath. “You mean you’re getting back together with
your ex.”

“No!
I mean, I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I just thought you
should know I’m…I’m still trying to figure things out.”

Ray
nodded but continued staring at his hand as if he expected to find dirt under
one of his immaculately clean nails. “Anyone I’d know?”

Connor
shook his head.

“He’s
in the closet, isn’t he.”

“Uh…yeah.
He is.”

“Well
good luck with that.” Ray finally looked up, and despite the flippancy of the
words, there was a softer expression in his eyes. “And just be careful. I’ve been
there before—it doesn’t always end up happily ever after.”

“I…I
know. And I haven’t decided anything, but it didn’t seem fair to keep this from
you.”

Ray
shrugged, his buoyancy and self-confidence reemerging through a smile. “It’s
cool, man. You let me know if you figure things out…but I can’t promise you I’ll
still be available.”

“Of
course not.” Connor bit the inside of his cheek, feeling guilty at the relief
that flooded him. “You’re…really great, Ray. I don’t want you think I don’t
like you—”

“It’s
all right, Connor.” Ray put up his hands. “I get it. Wrong place, wrong time. But
we should get back to the pit now. Amy was already stressing out when you
showed up late, and I don’t want to give the girl a heart attack.”

Connor
watched him tread off, his earlier relief darkened by a sudden realization.

Now
there was every chance he’d wind up completely alone.

***

The
brown station wagon sat waiting in the parking lot of the Student Activities Building,
with Jared reclined leisurely against the open passenger door. He stumbled to
life as soon as Connor approached and ushered him inside. “How’d it go? I
wanted to see it again, but they were sold out.”

“It
went okay. About the same as yesterday.”

“That’s
good.” Jared jumped in his side, rocking the car. “Bet you’re hungry, though. I
picked a place out in Crozet—is that all right? It shouldn’t take too
long to get there at this hour.”

“I’m
fine, no rush,” Connor reassured him, but Jared still drove slightly above the
speed limit to the dark and sparsely developed Route 250.

Connor
focused on watching his side of the road for any deer plotting to cross, and
they were a good five miles in before he realized the car was strangely silent.
Usually he felt responsible for such lapses in conversation, but when he glanced
over at Jared he was pretty sure it wasn’t entirely his fault this time.

Jared’s
jaw was locked, his upper body tense. He was obviously struggling with
something, but he spoke up then as though he could feel Connor’s roving eyes. “So,
how have things been…with classes and stuff?”

“Um,
good.”

“Still
doing the pre-law thing?”

“Uh,
I guess.”

“You
don’t seem too crazy about that.”

“Yeah.
Maybe not.”

Jared
drummed his fingers on the steering wheel as the forced conversation dried up.

Connor’s
never-too-distant anxiety crept up on him as he returned to his deer-watching. What
if Jared didn’t know how to relate to him anymore? What if he decided they had
nothing in common—nothing left to share?

A
moment later, he could have kicked himself for his selfishness. If he was
really going to give friendship with Jared a try, then it couldn’t be all about
him.

“How
about your classes?” he asked.

Jared
shrugged, his shoulders stiff. “Eh. I let my grades slip a little, but I’ll get
back on track for finals I think.”

Now Connor
felt selfish and guilty.

“It’s
been sorta…tough…dealing with Ronnie. Trying to help her out while keeping her
at bay, if ya know what I mean. I’m really glad that’s going to be over with
now.”

Connor
stared out the window and thought he saw a pair of almond eyes glowing from
within the woods. “I guess it’d be rude to say I am, too.”

“Nah.”
Jared shook his head. “It’s not. I never meant to let her come between us at
all.”

It
wasn’t really about her
, Connor
wanted to add, but he kept his mouth shut.

They
reached the first signs of civilization—a tiny strip mall with a few
stores across the street from a gas station, and Jared pulled into a parking
space. “We’re here.”

“Here?”
Connor asked, raising a brow.

Jared
pointed to white letters on a barn-style wood storefront that read
Crozet
Pizza.
“It’s supposed to be good.”

“Well,
they certainly have an original name.”

Jared
shot him a worried glance. “Did you want to go somewhere else? We can, if you
like.”

“No,
it’s okay.” Connor tried to calm his nerves with a little chuckle. “I was just
joking. I’m sure it’s great.”

“Seriously,
I’ve heard they have like the best pizza.”

“I
thought Mellow Mushroom was supposed to be the best,” Connor remarked as they
entered, though he was surprised to find the restaurant fairly crowded. “You
know, that place down at the end of The Corner?”

Jared’s
eyes darted away from his and dropped to the floor.

Oh.
So maybe
there were ulterior motives at play here.

“Wait,
did you take me all the way out here because…because you didn’t want anyone
from campus to see us?”

Jared
sank his head into his hands. “No. Yes. No. Shit…I came out here for a reason,
but not because I’m ashamed to be seen with you.”

“What
then?”