Social Skills (22 page)

“Were
either of them…exes?”

“Yeah,
kinda.”

“Which
one?”

“Uh…both,
actually.” Ray drummed his fingers on the table. “But not at the same time,” he
quickly added. “And we didn’t really date…just sorta fooled around.”

“Oh.”
Connor dug into his cup for a distraction.

“That
doesn’t bother you, does it? I mean, it was way back in the beginning of the
year, and only a couple of times.” Ray’s cheeks turned pink as he looked on,
waiting for a response.

Fooled around.
That
meant Ray was probably far more sexually experienced than he was…or than even
Jared, for that matter. Still, it didn’t mean Ray wasn’t a good guy. In fact,
maybe all that experience was a selling point. Maybe Connor could benefit from
it…if he could just get over the gut reaction of panic the thought caused.

His
spoon hit bottom, and he no longer had anything to hide behind. “N-no, of
course not.”

“Good.”
Ray finished his yogurt off in a few large mouthfuls. “Anyways, I say we blow
this joint. It’s getting too crowded.”

Connor
stood and Ray came around to his side of the table, returning the possessive
arm to his shoulder. “But just so you know, I’m really hoping the date’s not
over yet.”

As
they walked back to campus, Ray’s arm gradually made its way from Connor’s
shoulders to his upper back, and from there to his waist, where it remained.

“I
heard Jenny’s madly crushing on Evan—uh, that’s Fred, for you.” Ray
easily led the conversation. “But he’s been dating the girl who plays Lilli for
a month now.”

“Maybe
that’s why their love scenes are always so touching,” Connor remarked.

Ray
scoffed, blowing his frosted tips off his forehead. “Nah, I betcha the lovey
scenes’re what made ’em
think
they’d be good together. They have no
chemistry off stage.”

“Oh.”
Connor nodded, though he really wished them the best. They’d reached the hill leading
up to his dorm and he drew to a stop. “Guess we’re here.”

Ray
grabbed his hand. “Yeah, we are. You gonna invite me up?”

“Oh,
um, sure. Did you want to…to watch a movie or something?”

“Watch
a movie? Sure, if that’s what you want.” Snatching his other hand, Ray pulled
him into an embrace.

As
they stood only inches apart, Ray’s chocolate-sweetened breath washed over
Connor’s face—an unfamiliar sensation, since Jared had been so much
taller than him.

“You
know what else would be fun?”

“Hmm?”

The
place where Ray’s arms rested on the small of his back also felt strange, as
did his much less-muscled torso.

Stop
comparing!

“This.”
Ray leaned in for a deep kiss.

Connor
made his lips move responsively, but he felt clumsy and out of practice.
Besides, Ray’s tongue didn’t dart around the way Jared’s did, instead taking a
much a slower path, in and out, and in and out again.

Ray
finished with a gentle peck, pressing his body in so there was now hardly any
space between them. “So, we going up?”

“Um…uh,
I…I…”

“Easy.”
Ray slid his hand down to Connor’s butt. “We can do whatever you want, as much
as you want or as little as you want. No pressure. I know you’re probably new
at this.”

Connor
stared at Ray’s parted lips, which were pinker now than they had been earlier.
He knew what they offered…but after a second, he also knew he couldn’t accept. Even
if his mind hadn’t been filled with comparisons to Jared at the moment, he just
wasn’t ready.

For
once, though, the truth seemed to have the potential to help him out. “It’s not
that. It’s just…I got out of a relationship fairly recently…and I’m just not…not
gonna be ready for…
that…
anytime soon.”

Ray’s
look darkened. “Did he hurt you or something?”

“No,
no. I mean, n-not like that. I just wouldn’t want you to feel like…like the
rebound guy or something.”

Ray
let out a sigh as he ran his hands up and down Connor’s back. “Connor, I like
you a lot. If you tell me I’m not the rebound guy, I think I can trust you.” Without
giving him time to respond, Ray occupied Connor’s mouth with another lengthy
kiss.

Cold
fear set in as the bulge of Ray’s erection pressed into his dress pants. “I’m
s-sorry, Ray. I l-like you, b-but I…I…”

“Okay,
easy, easy.” Ray backed up, a tiny frown pulling at his lips before he switched
to a smile. “I get it, you’re not ready yet. My bad. Why don’t we just rewind
to the part where I kiss you goodnight?”

Near
dizzy with relief, Connor nodded.
“Th-that
would be great, thanks.”

“Okay.”
Ray moved in for a quick peck. “I’ll see you tomorrow at call time, all right?”

“Y-yeah,
see you tomorrow.”

Ray
stepped away and took off down the path, hands in his pockets and shoulders
slumped.

Connor
headed for his room, his insides still quaking. He reached the second level of
the stairwell before someone grabbed his wrist and yanked him back, jolting his
shoulder so forcefully he almost cried out.

Surprise
overcame the pain at first, and he swung around, fully prepared to tell Ray he
needed to be much gentler when dealing with a string player’s arms.

But
he should have known Ray’s grip would never be so strong.

“You
kissed him!” Jared spat, showering him with drops of saliva. His eyes were
bloodshot, and from where he stood a few steps below, his alcohol-tainted
breath wafted close enough to make Connor step back for air.

“W-what?”

“You
kissed him!”

Connor
shook free from Jared’s grip and continued toward his room, heart pounding so
hard he could feel it in his throat. “Jared, what are you doing here?”

“You
fucking
kissed
him,” Jared announced yet again, just as a neighbor
poked his head into the hallway. The boy gave them a surprised look, and Connor
frantically pushed his keys into his lock to get out of public view.

He
opened the door and Jared barreled past, tossing off a backpack before flopping
onto the bed. Connor fell back against the wall and stared at him, waiting.

Finally,
Jared met his gaze. “Are you…in love with him?” The anger was gone now, his
voice sunken into a hoarse, emotional whisper.

As
dramatic as the situation felt, Connor erupted into a startled laugh. “Um…it
was our first date.”

“Mm.”
Jared stood and began taking off his clothes.

“What
are you doing?” Connor remained frozen by the door.

“Don’think
I can make it home,” Jared slurred. He tripped over his pants as they sank to
his ankles and rolled onto the bed with a muffled, “ooph.”

Connor
placed a hand to his temple. “How did you know he kissed me? Were you…watching
me or something?”

“Was
waiting for you,” Jared said, then hiccupped. “Was drinking a little while I
waited.”

Connor
took a few steps forward and retrieved Jared’s backpack from the floor. Something
inside sloshed around, and he opened it to find a half-empty bottle of vodka. “I
think it was more than a little.”

“I’m
not little,” Jared said.

Connor
sighed and stepped closer. “Why were you waiting for me? What did you want?”

“I
want…” Jared trailed off. Suddenly, and with surprising agility for someone so intoxicated,
he bolted upright and pulled Connor onto the bed.

Connor
tried to back up, but Jared locked him in place with an arm around his chest. He
stopped struggling after a moment, a mental fatigue setting in as the
adrenaline from Jared’s unexpected appearance wore off.

“I
want you to stop seeing him,” Jared said.

“What?
That’s…you…you can’t ask…y-you have n-no right—”

Jared
laid a heavy hand on Connor’s mouth, pushing it into his lips. “Shh. Shh, baby.
It’s okay.”

Exhausted
and overwhelmed, Connor squeezed his eyes shut. “What’s okay, Jared? I don’t
understand. Why…why are you here?”

“Shh,”
Jared repeated, clumsily brushing Connor’s cheek with his thumb. “It’s okay,
baby. It’s okay.” He leaned into Connor’s lips until their mouths touched, but
didn’t kiss him. He just rested there, breathing heavy, liquor-laden breaths.

“J-jared,
I—”

“Shh,
baby. I love you.”

Connor’s
mouth fell open, his breath coming to a sudden stop. Words he’d never even
dared to hope for rang in his ears, but all he felt was a confusion so deep it
made his vision blur.

Or
maybe that was because he’d forgotten to start breathing again.

He
sucked in a mouthful of air. Even if he
did
figure out his emotions, the situation was so far from ideal it was
almost laughable. A drunken declaration was hardly the stuff dreams were made
of.

As
if to emphasize the thought, Jared started to snore. Saliva trailed from the
corner of his mouth and pooled on the pillow.

Connor
retreated to the empty bed and curled up on his side to watch Jared sleep.

Chapter Twenty

He
awoke slowly, peeling back layers of dreams—dreams of Ray’s lips sliding
over his, and of Jared’s much more familiar ones whispering
baby
in
his ear. It almost seemed like the night’s strange events could have been a
dream as well, but the first thing Connor saw when he opened his eyes was Jared
splayed out across his bed, arms and legs flung wide like he’d just landed
there after falling from some height.

Jared
was still snoring, but it was softer now. Didn’t look like he’d be getting up
anytime soon.

Connor
stood and dressed. He kept a nervous eye trained on Jared the entire time, as
though he were some kind of sleeping bear that might suddenly roar back to life.
But Jared barely moved, and eventually he sat down at his desk and tried to
clear his head enough to come up with his next course of action.

Throw
Jared out? Demand an apology? Interrogate him until he dredged up exactly what
it was Jared thought he was going to accomplish by this stunt?

And
then there were those three pesky words—words he’d never expected to
hear, words he couldn’t trust, given Jared’s intoxicated state. But was there a
chance a kernel of truth lay behind them?

He
sunk his head down and clipped his temple on the edge of a politics textbook. Rubbing
the sore spot, he eyed the haphazardly piled books that littered his desk. He
hadn’t really been keeping his room in the best condition, partly because he
spent less time puttering around in it than he used to.

Maybe
it was time to straighten up. At least it would give him something to do.

He
pushed back his chair and grabbed a couple of books to place on the shelf,
glancing over at Jared as he went. Jared still hadn’t moved.

Impatience
was beginning to get the better of him. Sure, he could probably use the time to
plan out what he was going to say when Jared awoke, but how much longer was he
going to have to wait? He’d just get more anxious as time went on…and turn into
a stuttering mess when they finally did get a chance to speak.

He
lifted another book to put away, but instead of placing it gently, he brought
it up over his head. Eyes still on Jared, he released his grip and let it crash
onto the shelf. Jared didn’t stir.

Annoyed,
Connor picked another, heavier book and repeated the process. Still nothing.

Soon
he was grabbing all the books from his desk—even ones he’d already put
away—and slamming them down, one after another. Jared flinched a couple
of times and he redoubled his efforts, adding a chorus of opening and closing
drawers for good measure.

“Mm,”
Jared whined. He dug his head into the pillow. “What’s all that noise?”

“I’m
cleaning up.” Connor sat innocently at his desk.

“Oh.
Do you have any aspirin?” Jared peered over with bleary red eyes.

Connor
tossed a bottle to him, watching silently as he opened it and swallowed a
handful down dry.

A
minute passed before Jared spoke again.

“I’m
such an idiot.”

Yeah.
But
the word wouldn’t come to Connor’s lips.

“It’s
just…I didn’t get a chance to talk to you at the play, and after you left…well,
I made a really stupid decision, obviously.”

Obviously.

Jared
sat up slowly, squinting in pain. “I’ve wanted to talk to you for so long
now—”

“For
so long?” A burst of indignation finally spurred Connor to speak. “I saw you
the other day and you acted like you barely remembered who I was. Seemed to me
like you didn’t want anything more to do with me.”

Jared
let out a bitter laugh. “Jesus, Connor. You’re way off. I haven’t been able to
stop thinking about you. I wanted to come talk to you sooner, but I just…couldn’t
work up the guts.”

Raising
his brows, Connor leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “
You
couldn’t work up the guts to talk to
me
?”

“Irony.”
Jared gave him a wry smile. “Gotta love it.”

They
fell silent again. To keep from meeting Jared’s eyes, Connor focused on a beam
of sunlight that streamed in through the window, illuminating Jared’s dark
curls. Eventually Jared got up and pulled on his clothes. When he was finished
he sank down on the other bed, pushing his hair back with slow strokes of his
hand. “So…I quit the team.”

“What?”
Connor snapped back to attention. “Why?”

“It
was something you said, actually.”

What?
Connor
stood and edged away from Jared, crossing his arms. “S-something I said? I
never said—”

“About
the kind of man my father was.”

“I
never—”

“He
was a great dad…a great husband,” Jared went on, his normally smooth voice marked
by a tremble. “He was hard-working, and really responsible—he moved us into
a smaller house when he got sick, so my mom wouldn’t be in danger of losing her
home…set up funds so me and my brothers could all go to college…he made sure we’d
all be taken care of, even after he was gone.”

A
tear slipped down Jared’s face, but he quickly rubbed it away with his
shoulder.

“Anyway,
that’s the kind of man I want to be—someone my family can count on. And
to do that I think I need to start concentrating on my studies more. I gotta
figure out what it is I’m actually gonna do with my life, you know?”

Connor
nodded, on the verge of crying, too. Even with the anger that remained, seeing
Jared in distress tore at his heart.

“I’ll
always love football, but I have just as much fun playing with my brothers, or
my friends…hell, maybe even more fun.”

“Yeah,”
Connor murmured, and another heavy silence descended on them.

A
door opened somewhere down the hallway, and footsteps trailed past, growing
softer and softer until they were out of earshot. More silence followed.

It
was Jared who broke the quiet again. “So…the thing with that guy…is it…serious?”

“I
told you last night.” Connor shrugged uneasily. “It was only our first date.”

“Oh.”
Jared bent over and fiddled with his shoelace. “Are you…going to keep seeing
him?”

Connor
opened his mouth to respond, but quickly closed it again. Was he? He paced a
few steps away, stalling for time. Now that he’d been asked—and not
ordered—he actually had no idea.

But
he wasn’t ready to admit that.

“Look,
why did you come to the play last night? You said you wanted to talk to
me—was it just about the football thing?”

“No.”

“What
then?”

“I
came to tell you…” Jared stopped and closed his eyes, drawing in a deep breath.
“I came to tell you…I made a mistake.”

“A
mistake?” Connor’s arms shook as his pulse picked up, and he folded them
tighter against his body to keep them still. “What was the mistake?”

“Letting
you go.”

The
room spun a few times, white walls becoming a blizzard before they settled back
in their places.

“Connor,
I…I know I don’t deserve another shot, but I miss you so much, and if we could
just—” Jared stood slowly.

“Jared.”
Connor stopped him. Tears constricted his throat but he pressed on. “You…you
really hurt me.”

“I
know, baby, I’m so sorry,” Jared breathed out in a rush. He shot toward him with
arms extended, but froze when Connor took a rapid step back.

Connor
looked down to see his hands were up, palm out, as if to ward Jared away.

Why
was he doing that? Slipping back into the relationship would be so easy, like
putting on a comfortable, broken-in pair of shoes. If he took just a few steps
forward, he could fall into the familiar—into Jared’s strong, warm
arms—just as he’d hoped.

But
he didn’t move.

“Things
are different now, Jared. I’m…I’m out.”

“Yeah.”
Jared worked his fingers into his pockets. “I sorta figured that last night. But
I don’t really think it has to make a big difference for…for us, right now.”

Connor
dropped his hands, and they curled into fists at his sides. Of course Jared
didn’t think it made a difference. It wouldn’t if they never told another
living soul what they were doing, slinking about in the shadows.

“Well
it
does
, Jared.” Bitterness turned his words into forceful jabs. “I’m
not looking for someone to just have
fun
with.”

Jared
winced. “I said some stupid shit when we broke up. I don’t even know why. I
panicked, I guess. I felt like I was losing control…I just didn’t realize how
much I was going to like you.”

Like
. Not the other four-letter L word. No doubt Jared had
forgotten he’d even said it. That was probably for the best, but it still fed
the growing pit of resentment in Connor’s chest. “You know, Jared, if you were
out, you wouldn’t have to settle for me.”

“Jesus
Christ!” Jared exploded. “You don’t think I fucking know that?”

Connor
gaped at him, and Jared clamped a hand over his mouth, shaking his head. “Fuck.
I guess we know I shouldn’t pick a career that relies heavily on public
speaking. That came out completely wrong. What I meant was, I know there are
other gay people in the world. I know I could…date them…or whatever, if I
wanted to. But I don’t.”

He
traversed the small space between the beds, stepping closer to Connor but
keeping his hands jammed in his pockets. “I’m not going to lie to you and say
convenience didn’t have something to do with us getting together…but it’s
pretty damn far from convenient now. And no part of anything I’ve ever felt for
you has been about settling. Maybe just the opposite, in fact.”

Jared’s
eyes went glassy with the hint of more tears, and Connor loosened his fists, struck
by the urge to reach out and comfort him. “Jared…”

“I
can stop hanging out with Ronnie, if that’s what it takes.”

He
blinked at Jared numbly. At one time such a suggestion would have thrilled him,
but it no longer seemed to be the solution it once had.

“Please,
baby,” Jared whispered.

Connor
closed his eyes, his heart racing. They’d reached the point where he’d have to
make a decision, but he wasn’t sure what he was going to say, even as he opened
his mouth to say it. “Maybe—”

“Maybe?”
Jared interrupted, his tone hopeful. “I can work with maybe.”

“Maybe…maybe
we should try being friends.”

Jared’s
face fell, lips clamping into a grimace. “Friends? You just want to be friends?”
His voice broke. “Don’t you…don’t you have feelings for me anymore?” A tear
formed at the corner of his eye, teetering on the edge of his lashes.

What
are you doing?
A voice broke into
Connor’s head.
This is what you wanted!

He
reached out to grasp Jared’s arm. “O-of course I do…b-but I just don’t know if
that’s enough.”

“What
do you mean…enough?”

Connor
stared at the place where his hand touched Jared, feeling Jared’s body heat
seeping into his skin. It made it hard to concentrate, and he had to draw his
arm away so he could continue. “I get that you’re not ready to come out, and I
would never force that on you…but if we can’t even be friends—the kind
that hang out other places besides dorm rooms—then I don’t see how we
could ever have a decent relationship.”

Jared
swiped his eyes, catching the tear before it fell. “Oh.”

“You
know me, Jared. I have enough trouble getting out of this room as it is. I don’t
really need another excuse to hide away in here.”

“Oh,”
Jared said again. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right.”

What
did that mean? Was there a chance they could work on a friendship? Or was Jared
finally going to write him off for good?

Jared
said nothing, but disappointment shone in his downcast eyes, and Connor had to
look away.

Guess
that’s the answer
.

His
gaze drifted to the clock. “I…I have to go now. I promised Rebecca we’d meet up
to practice for sectionals, and I’m late.”

Jared
nodded. “Right.”

Connor
turned away slowly, the tears he’d been keeping back fighting for release.
This
is it. It’s over.

“Hey.”
Jared caught his hand and held it for a second before letting go. “Do you think
we could talk some more later? Maybe you could call me when you’re on your way
back from practicing. We could meet up somewhere…grab coffee or something.”

A
mixture of fear and giddiness swept Connor as he was pulled back from the edge
of despair. “Uh, yeah. Sure. I’d…I’d better get going now, though.”

“Yeah,
okay.” Jared smiled, and the expression almost touched his eyes. “Duty calls.”

***

Rebecca
assessed him with one glance as he stepped into the practice module. “Who
killed your cat?”