So Much It Hurts (19 page)

It was cold and dark when I woke up. I bolted up; my eyes tried to adjust to the darkness.
Oh god, where am I?
A sharp, painful memory flashed through my mind. The fog in my brain and the soreness between my legs served as excruciating reminders of the event that had occurred just hours earlier. Shivering, I wrapped the blanket around myself as my eyes tried to adjust to the darkness. The moon was bright above the trees, which helped me see my jeans piled by a tree. Grabbing them, I attempted to get dressed. My legs felt like lead which made it difficult to go through the motions of putting them on. Zipping them up, I remembered the missing button Trevor had snapped off, and again my mind flashed back to the painful moments prior to me blacking out.

Numbly, I sat back down and surveyed my surroundings while I tried to get my bearings. Tall shadowy trees loomed above me. Crickets chirped an eerie song around me. I could hear the rushing water of the falls through the trees. Alone and scared, I trembled beneath the blanket that I kept wrapped around my shoulders. Panic began to set in. Frozen by fear, I had trouble deciphering what to do next. I didn’t think; I just stood up and ran. I ran as fast as I could toward the sound of rushing water. I’m not sure how long it took to run there, but before I knew it I was standing at the top of the waterfall looking down at the crashing water thundering down jagged, slippery rocks. My lungs frantically gasped for air.

Why had my life gotten so complicated? How could I have been so foolish?
This was my fault. This was
all
my fault. I was stupid to trust Trevor. Yet again, I let myself believe his lies of apology and love; and, look where it got me! What an
idiot
I had been! How could I have been so stupid? Oh god, I
let
this happen. Heaving sobs stole my breath. My innocence…it’s gone! It’s gone and I’ll never get it back. He ripped it from me, and now I’m just sloppy leftovers that no one will want. Why did I ever agree to come up here with him? What was I thinking? Why did I let myself fall victim to Trevor’s lies
again
? He tore my soul in two, and it’s partially my fault. I marched right up here to the top of this waterfall, spread out a blanket, and let him yank my innocence away from me like he was stealing candy from a baby.

Tears burned my eyes as I angrily wiped them away. I made it easy for him. I walked right into his arms like he was the Trojan horse, and he defeated me. Part of me died underneath him—a part of me that can never be restored.
I want it back, God. Please! I want it back!
The tears dripped down my cheeks to the dirt below me. What’s the use in begging now? What’s done is done. Now I’m just some dirty, used piece of someone else’s garbage. I loathed the ugly part of me that Trevor left behind—the distraught and irrational part that stood at the edge of a cliff reliving the moments that took place right before I blacked out. Peering down at the crashing, swirling bottomless pit below me, I inched my toes closer to the edge.

Emotionless and empty, I imagined the fall into the dark abyss. It looked so easy. Just one tiny step and I could have made it all go away; the pain would end. No one cared about me. They left me all alone in the woods. Just a few more inches. All I had to do was take…that…last…step.

My phone suddenly began to ring in the pocket of my jeans. Startled, I stumbled backward and landed on a patch of wet moss. I immediately jumped up and fumbled for the phone, flipping it open on the last ring.

“Hello?” I gasped, out of breath.

“Kaitlyn?” The soothing voice on the other end snapped me back into reality.

I took a quick breath. “Chris! Thank God, it’s you!”

“Why? What’s wrong?” Concern suddenly filled his voice.

I looked around as if I were seeing my surroundings for the first time. “Oh my God, what am I doing? What was I thinking?”

“Jesus, Kaitlyn, what’s going on? Where are you?” Chris sounded frantic.

“I’m…uh…I’m at the top of Montford Falls,” I took another step back and leaned against a tree, trying desperately to catch my breath. I could feel my heart pounding fiercely in my chest.

“With who?” Chris asked suspiciously.

I hesitated, looking around the shadowy woods that surrounded me, encasing me like a crypt. “I’m by myself.” I choked out the words.

“What the hell? It’s after nine o’clock and dark as fuck out there. What are you doing up there so late by yourself? Never mind, I’m coming to get you. I can be there in two hours. Stay there. Don’t try to walk down in the dark. I’ll hike up to you with flashlights. Just promise me you won’t move…you won’t go anywhere. Please, Kaitlyn!” Chris’s soothing voice pleaded with me.

All I could think of was being safe with him again. “Okay, Chris. I…I promise.” I stammered.

While I waited, I sat by the tree listening to every sound. I wasn’t sure if Trevor or some wild animal was lurking behind a bush waiting for me. The darkness suffocated me while I tried not to move. Two hours felt like an eternity. Crunching leaves caused by approaching footsteps startled me. I froze.

Chris’s voice cut through darkness. “Kaitlyn?”

I heaved a sigh of relief. “I’m right here.”

He pointed his flashlight toward the sound of my voice. The sudden bright light in my face stung my eyes.

“Oh god, Kaitlyn! I was so scared!”

“Chris—” I started but the sobs choked off the words that wanted to come next. By then Chris had lifted me up off the ground and surrounded me in the warmth of his hug.

“Shhh, baby, you’re okay now. It’s okay.” I nuzzled deeper into his chest and breathed that crisp, clean, familiar scent. I was safe. When my sobs subsided, he pulled away to look at me. Tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, wiping a tear off my cheek, and gently lifting my chin to look me in the eyes, he whispered, “I’m here now. You’re safe with me.”

Silent tears continued to slide down my cheeks. I looked into his dark brown eyes, nearly black from the darkness that surrounded us. Only the light of the moon illuminated the outline of his face.

“You saved me,” I managed to squeak out. “I was so close, and you saved me.”

He glanced at the edge of the cliff, watching the water thunder down the rocks with powerful force. An awareness crossed his face as he registered exactly what I was trying to tell him. Staring at me in the darkness, his lip trembled, holding back emotions he dare not release.

He grasped the back of my head and pulled me toward him. Cradling my head against his chest, he whispered, “Oh god, baby, I don’t know what I would do if something happened to you. Thank god you’re all right.” The desperation in his voice sent shivers down my spine as butterflies fluttered in my belly.

“I’m sorry.” It’s the only thing I could think to say before my eyes glossed over again.

Caressing my hair, he gently kissed the top of my head. “Come on, baby, let’s get you out of here, away from this place,” he said as he grabbed my hand, intertwining his fingers with mine and pulling me farther away from the dangerous cliff.

Chris held my hand all the way down the trail and back to his car, helping me over rocks, stumps, and exposed tree roots. His black CRX looked almost invisible in the dark parking lot. Empty beer cans lay in the spot where Trevor had parked his truck. I just couldn’t understand why Eric and Allison would leave knowing I was still up there.

After I was buckled in and Chris was sitting in the driver’s seat, he turned to me. With a look of concern he said, “I don’t know exactly what happened, but I think I should take you to the hospital to see a doctor or talk to someone.”

“No!” I yelled, a little louder than I had intended.

“But, Kaitlyn—”

“No, Chris! I can’t!” I screeched with a terror-stricken voice.

“Kaitlyn, talk to me. What happened?”

“I just…can’t. Please, just take me home.” I begged. I could never tell anyone what happened with Trevor.

Never.

“Kaitlyn, please.”

“No, Chris! Please! If you care for me at all, please just take me home. I just want to go home!” Tears fell down my cheeks and panic filled my mind.

Chris stared at me long enough to make me feel uncomfortable. I felt like anyone who looked at me long enough would be able to see the secret I kept hidden. He sighed. “Okay, Kaitlyn. For you, I will. But, I’m telling you now, it’s against my better judgment.”

“Thank you. I’ll be fine. I swear.”

We drove home in silence. I could tell Chris wanted to ask more questions, but didn’t. Maybe he knew the truth and was trying to save me from having to explain myself and bring up the painful memories all over again. I appreciated the silence. However, even in the silence, I could feel Chris’s comforting presence as his hand found mine in the darkness.

Just as Chris’s car pulled into the driveway, my mom stormed out the front door of my house.

“Mom!” I said as I jumped out of the car.

“Just where have you been, young lady? Out gallivanting around with this…this…trouble maker?” She hissed.

“No, mom, I—”

“Get in the house, Kaitlyn! I’ve been worried about you for hours and all this time you’ve been with this convicted felon and drug dealer’s son!”

“No, mom! It wasn’t like that!”

“Mrs. Davenport, I can explain,” Chris offered.

“And you,” she seethed at Chris. “You get off my property before I call the police.”

“Please Mrs. Davenport, if you’ll just let me explain—”

“No!” she yelled. “Now get off my property before I have you arrested!”

“Mom, stop!”

“Get in the house, Kaitlyn,” she growled.

I looked at Chris apologetically. Shrugging in defeat, he sunk back into the driver’s seat of his car and drove away.

“Mother, how could you?”

“Kaitlyn, ever since that boy came into your life you have been a mess. You barely eat. You barely sleep. You have been disrespectful of me and your father. Your grades have been slipping. Everything has gone downhill ever since you met Chris!”

“Mom, if it weren’t for Chris,” I glared at her furiously, “I wouldn’t be standing here right now!”

With that outburst, I turned, ran up to my room, slammed my door, and threw myself onto my bed, clutching my pillow to muffle my sobs.

I stood in the shower longer than usual the next morning, scrubbing my skin raw under the scalding hot water which did nothing to rinse away the painful memory from the day before, or hell, from the past
two years
. I felt ugly, dirty, and betrayed. No amount of soap and water would wash away the hurt or the pain. I crouched in the shower, letting the water run across my back. Hugging my legs and pressing my forehead onto my knees, I cried. I grieved the wasted two years I’d spent with Trevor. I grieved the loss I knew I could never get back; the hurt he caused would forever leave a blemish on my soul. I cried confused tears that couldn’t understand why anyone would do what he did to me, or why my best friend would walk away knowing I was still out there somewhere. I cried aching tears that longed for someone to understand without me having to actually
speak
the truth. I begged to God for the courage to speak out and tell someone. I cried angry tears that wanted to claw the tiles off the wall and sling them across the bathroom to crack that sobbing mess of a reflection in the mirror into a trillion shards of broken glass. The hot water soothed my nerves, washing the tears off my face and down the drain. At that moment, every range of emotions was coursing through my body, and I felt myself collapsing against the fiberglass tub in an exhausted heap.
Let me die. Let me go to sleep and never wake up.
I sobbed until my energy was spent and the water ran cold. The cool blast from the shower head jolted me back to reality.

Climbing out of the shower, I wrapped myself in a towel and flopped down on my bed. I didn’t have the energy to move. I didn’t have the will to get up, to get dressed, or anything. I just lay there, wallowing in my sorrow long enough for my hair to dry.

A soft knock came at the door. “Kaitlyn, honey, is everything okay?” my mom’s muffled voice asked me through the closed door.

“I’m fine, mom.”

“I brought you some breakfast,” she said sweetly, as if her peace offering would make up for the events that transpired the night before.