So Much It Hurts (18 page)

ChrisRocknrollKing: But they wont be, will they?

Cheerchick88: Wont be what?

ChrisRocknrollKing: Different

Cheerchick88: I guess not

ChrisRocknrollKing: I understand. ☹
So I guess I’ll see u at school?

Cheerchick88: Yeah I’ll see u in class

ChrisRocknrollKing: 1 more thing. No matter what, never let anyone tell u that u r anything less than AMAZING.

My heart fluttered in my chest after reading his last message. I knew I probably shouldn’t even be talking to Chris behind Trevor’s back. For some unexplainable reason, I couldn’t feel guilty. Between Trevor and me, there was a large gaping hole in our relationship that seemed impossible to repair. All the pain he caused, that I allowed and enabled, drove the wedge deeper and deeper. I became devoid of any emotions. That moment on the retaining wall when I first met Chris with his guitar in hand, there was a magnetic draw so strong, it was difficult to deny or resist. That magnetism managed to dull the pain; it was a tug, more powerful than his music, that closed the gap and replaced that emotional void with sweet, sweet music to my heart. I couldn’t explain it. Every moment we spent together, with every passing minute we spent talking, the empty space seemed to disappear. While I should have felt like I was betraying Trevor, I didn’t—not after all he’d put me through. The pull Chris had on me was undeniable and a feeling I wasn’t sure I could resist much longer.

I ambled around like a zombie the rest of that week. Somehow I made it through each day—each excruciatingly boring class. Seeing Chris during Theatre Arts felt like a new wound driven into my heart each day. We barely spoke, but I felt sure that he could sense my sadness. Our eyes met a few times and it seemed he was just as plagued about the situation as I was—living in two worlds, wanting nothing more than to hold each other and love each other. Mechanically, I made it through every conversation, and every argument with Trevor. Each night, I managed to complete my homework and pick through my food during dinners. Bedtime was always the hardest. Miserably, I tossed and turned for hours before falling asleep. Sometimes I woke up well before sunrise and stared blankly at the ceiling, unable to fall back to sleep.

Saturday came more quickly than I had wanted. I dreaded the hike with Allison, Eric, and Trevor the same way I dreaded final exams. I lay in bed a little longer that morning praying for rain and trying to convince myself that I was too sick to go. Finally, with a little prodding from my mother, I dragged myself out of bed and headed for the shower.

“Today is a great day for a hike. The weather is perfect!” Trevor sounded excited as he opened the door of his truck for me. I hopped out and looked at the cloudless sky, the heat of the sun already warming my face.

“Good. I was hoping for good weather today,” I lied.

We met Allison and Eric at the trail. Montford Falls was a three mile hike to the top. The waterfalls were gorgeous and worth the trek. From the top, you could see for miles. The mountains in the distance were picturesque against the cool, blue sky.

“You ready?” Allison asked excitedly.

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” I replied unenthusiastically.

“Awww, come on,” she teased, “it’ll be fun!”

Trevor grabbed his backpack out of the bed of the truck. “Don’t worry,” he said. “I’ll keep you safe. We’ve got everything we need right here in this backpack.”

The hike was fairly easy. The weather was cool enough that we didn’t break a sweat while walking. We took our time and stopped every so often to snap a few pictures. About halfway into it, I actually started to enjoy myself. A little fresh air went a long way for me. We stopped for lunch at a little picnic area by the lower falls. The rushing water thundering down the cliffs was rhythmic…calming. Trevor was such a gentleman the entire time by holding my hand, helping me over rocks, roots and stumps. He kept his arm around me protectively. It was such a relief—comforting even.

We sat at the picnic area for a while, enjoying the scenery. Allison and Eric decided they wanted to branch off from us for a while for a little private time. I didn’t mind, as it would have been nice to spend some quiet quality time with Trevor. Maybe that was just what I needed to snap out of it.

“Let’s hike to the top,” I suggested to Trevor.

“Sounds great!” he said, hopping to his feet.

“I think we’ll stay here and enjoy the scenery a little while longer,” Allison told us.

“Okay, we’ll see you later.” I waved as we headed up the trail.

Trevor and I hiked in silence. The silence was refreshing. Most of our conversations turned into arguments anyway. I watched him walk ahead of me. He looked stunningly handsome that day. I realized that I hadn’t taken the time to really notice him lately. His muscles tensed under his shirt. His calves were stout and chiseled as he walked. The sun rays bouncing through the trees made his corn silk colored hair glisten in the light. No wonder everyone viewed him as a god. He looked like Adonis.

He stopped walking when we got to a clearing near the top of the waterfalls. “This is a good place to take a break,” he said, taking my hand and pulling me to a shady spot off the trail.

“Good,” I said. “I’m thirsty.”

“Me too,” he agreed.

We sat down on a blanket he spread out under a tree. Trevor handed me a water bottle he had pulled from his backpack. “Cheers,” he said as he tapped his water bottle against mine and winked at me.

“Cheers,” I replied and took several big gulps. The water felt smooth and refreshing as it cooled my throat on its way down. We sat silently for a little while sipping our drinks and listening to the river plunge down the rocks from the falls.

“Kaitlyn,” Trevor said, piercing my eyes with his beautiful green irises.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“You are my whole world. I love you more than you know. I know we’ve had our share of arguments. I know I’ve not always been the boyfriend I should have been. I’m sorry for that. I just wanted you to know that I’m sorry, and I love you.”

Stunned, I stared at him for a few seconds. After all I’d been through the last few weeks, I wasn’t really sure how I felt, but I lost myself in that moment. Trevor’s charm got the best of me, and I surrendered. “You’re right, Trevor,” I agreed. “Things have been rough lately. But, the more I try to push you away, the more I see that I can’t let you go. I do love you. We’ve been together too long for me not to love you.”

With that remark, Trevor kissed me. I succumbed to the soft and gentle touch of his lips on mine. My heart felt overwhelmed with love and confusion. The feelings I had nearly two years ago resurfaced and I couldn’t stop myself from kissing him. I felt the urgency in Trevor’s kiss. My desire to be close to him yielded as he pushed me back against the blanket.

I cupped his face in my hands, pulling him toward me while I longed for the intimacy we had lacked the past few months. The love I had for Trevor was unexplainable. After all we’d been through, I knew that love was the very
last
thing I should have felt for him. But, I just couldn’t help myself.

Lying on top of me, his kisses intensified.
I resigned myself to the warmth of his tongue in my mouth, relishing the delicious swirling heat that rippled its way down my body. He pressed his pelvis firmly against me, thrusting against me with his growing arousal. My body reacted naturally to his, tingling in places I had never given much thought before and aching for an exquisite release. I still knew how far I was willing to let Trevor get—it wasn’t as far as I assumed he wanted to go. I felt him tugging at my pants, realizing exactly where he hoped his kisses would lead.

“Trevor,” I murmured.

He tugged harder, trying to pry the button on my pants open. I felt the button snap off. He shimmied them down my hips, sliding them completely off and tossing them on the ground behind us. I could hear him unzipping his own khaki cargo shorts. In that moment, I became fully aware of Trevor’s intentions, and the determined look in his eyes frightened me.

“Wait, Trevor—”

“Shhhhh,” he whispered as he kissed me again, more urgently than before. He thrust his hips deep between my legs pressing himself against me. The only thing separating us was the thin cloth of my underwear.

I tried to wriggle myself away from him. “No. Please stop, Trevor,” I begged, suddenly feeling foggy and disoriented.

Seizing my panties and with a single jerk of his hand, he ripped them off and tossed the tattered cloth to the side. I shoved his chest with all of my might, trying to push him off of me; he didn’t budge.

“Stop, Trevor! Please, don’t do this.” I could hear the repulsive, panting sound of his putrid breath in my ear; it was a sound that would forever haunt me. I tried my best to pull away from him, squirming violently beneath him.

No, this can’t be happening! Allison! Eric! Oh god, please help me!
My mind screamed in agony as the event that was about to take place registered in my mind.
Please god, don’t let this happen! Please!
Dizziness began taking over my brain while my body started feeling strange…heavy.

“Kaitlyn, don’t,” he said. “You know we both want this.” He continued to thrust himself toward my most sacred place—the place where no one had gone before. I clenched my legs, trying to keep it away from me, but he forced my legs to open wider by grinding his hips into me, sending me into full panic mode.

“No, Trevor,” I pleaded desperately. “I don’t wanna…do this…”
My mouth had a hard time forming the words, almost as if I had been….
drugged?!

Pinning my hands above my head, he held himself firmly against me. His breath felt hot against my cheek. “Just relax,” he whispered gruffly.

“Trev…please,” I slurred, clawing hysterically at his wrists to free his hands from mine. I kicked my legs, trying to wiggle my way out from under him, but the more I kicked the harder he dug his pelvis into me.

My mind floated in and out of consciousness as the drugs that he must have slipped into my water took over my body.
No, no, no!
I thrashed my head from side to side trying to escape the sickening heat of his breath on my neck, which made me feel dizzy and nauseated. I didn’t have much energy left in my body. The drugs that ran through my veins made me feel weak and tired.

With my last bit of strength, I desperately tried to free myself from under his weight. Trevor’s repulsive kisses on the soft skin on my neck became frenzied and more forceful.
Oh god, please, no!
Frantically writhing beneath him, I tried to alleviate the pressure on my chest; his weight was too much to bear.

“Stop…please…don’t…” I willed my mouth to speak one last time as I felt my mind spiraling down into a disoriented blackness. Feeling as though I was losing consciousness, I struggled to breathe. Just before my last breath ran out, I surged forcefully beneath him trying to escape him and to avoid the inevitable, but my efforts were unsuccessful. I felt Trevor’s weight on my body as he forced his way into mine. My mind went blank as the drugs finally took over. No longer having any control, I blacked out.