So Much It Hurts (21 page)

He hugged me tighter and wiped tears from my bloodshot eyes. “Wanna go inside and hang out?”

“Sure.”

He held me by the hand, led me into his house, and up the stairs to his bedroom. “Sorry. This is about the only private room in the house.”

I looked around his room. Posters of musicians and famous bands hung on the walls. In one corner, a keyboard stood on a stand. Clothes and magazines littered his bedroom floor. His bed was unmade and the blankets were hanging crooked off the bed. Sheet music lay cluttered on his desk. “It’s okay. It’s perfect,” I said.

“Sorry,” he apologized again as he tried to straighten his room a little.

“Really, it’s okay…don’t worry about it,” I told him as I settled down on one corner of his bed.

“All right,” he said as he plopped down on the bed beside me, “what did you want to talk to me about?”

“Nothing specific. I just wanted to chill here for a while. I just needed to get out of my house.”

“Okay,” he said, dragging out the word, suspicious of my cryptic explanation.

Tears immediately filled my eyes. Regret filled my chest. Maybe I’d already said too much.

Chris brushed a strand of hair from my face. “Go ahead. You can talk to me if you think it will help you.”

“Well…” My voice trailed.
Shit.
I couldn’t do it.

“Please, baby, talk to me,” Chris urged. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders. I flinched. Being alone in his bedroom with him, especially after knowing what he and any other male was capable of, I had a fleeting terror-stricken moment of panic. The look on my face must have given me away because Chris’s concerned look on his face said it all. “What’s the matter? Did I do something wrong?”

“No.” I tried to keep my cool, but inside I was freaking the hell out. I needed air, space away from a man’s touch. I couldn’t take the suffocating feeling. “I need to get out here. I’m sorry.” I jumped up off the bed and reached for the doorknob.

“Wait, Kaitlyn. Please, talk to me. What’s going on?”

“Nothing. I just need to go. I’m sorry.” I jerked open the door. The weight on my chest felt so heavy I could barely breathe. Hyperventilating, I bounded down the stairs, two at a time. Chris was hot on my trail.

“Kaitlyn, stop. I’m sorry, okay? I won’t make you talk. I won’t even touch you. Just please, don’t go…” His voice trailed off to nearly a whisper, “I won’t hurt you.”

I stopped dead in my tracks. Why was I running? Who was I running from? It shouldn’t have been Chris. Chris wasn’t Trevor. He was nothing like Trevor at all. He was right. He wouldn’t hurt me.
Right?
Chris was not the enemy. If anything, he rescued me. He was there for me on more than one occasion. He saved me from myself. He showed me what love could be,
should
be. Slowly, I turned around to face him.

“Baby, please.” He looked solemnly at me. His glassy eyes held emotions I couldn’t decipher as he quietly whispered, “I’m not
him
.”

A large lump settled in my throat. I could feel two years’ worth of pent up hurt and anger launching their way up from the dark pit that I had stuffed them down into. A sound escaped my throat, a guttural growl so deep I didn’t even recognize my own voice.

I ran at him, pounding my fists so hard into his chest it should have knocked the wind out of him, but he wrapped his arms around me. He held me close to him, consoling me while I sobbed and pounded my hurt and anger into his solid chest like a punching bag.

The whole time I walloped him, he hugged me and repeated, “Let it out, baby. Let it all out,” while he cradled the back of my head against his chest. He held me until my sobs subsided. “It’s okay,” he reassured me once my wailing cries turned into muffled snubs against his soaking wet shirt. Snubs were the kind of heaving breaths you take after a hard cry; those uncontrollable gasps of air that come like hiccups when you’re all cried out.

Kissing me gently on top of my head, he whispered under his breath, “God, Kaitlyn, what did he do to you?” He wasn’t searching for an answer; he was just bewildered by my outburst.

I didn’t look up. I couldn’t look into his eyes. I just clung to him, surprising even myself with my response. “Trevor stole from me the one thing I held most sacred; something I can never get back. He took my virginity. He…he raped me.” Chris didn’t flinch. He didn’t move as the last part came out in a quiet whisper—but it clicked. I heard him suck in a breath and hold it. With my ear against his chest, I could hear his heart pounding, fast and furious. Cautiously, I peeked up at him. His eyes were wide with shock.

“Oh no! Oh god, baby, I’m so sorry,” Chris encapsulated me in his arms, holding me, rocking me back and forth, clutching the back of my head to his body. “That bastard,” he growled through his teeth.

“I’m okay, Chris. I’ll be okay…really,” I tried to lie.

“Kaitlyn, please, you need to tell someone. You can’t keep this a secret. What if he hurts you again? What if he hurts someone else?”

I hadn’t thought of that…but, no, I wasn’t ready to tell anyone else yet. I just shook my head. Chris hugged me with understanding. My secret was safe with him for the moment.

Chris held my hand as he walked me to my car later that evening. “Promise me you’ll call me if you need me, for anything. Even if it’s just to talk,” Chris looked at me with pleading eyes.

“I promise,” I told him.

He hugged me one last time as he opened the door for me. His longing eyes held mine for a few seconds before he pushed the door shut.

I drove away feeling a pressure on my chest that I couldn’t explain. I hoped my parents were in bed when I got home, and thankfully they were. Tiptoeing upstairs to my bedroom, I crashed on my bed where my nightmares were filled with waterfalls and sinister green eyes.

I awoke the next morning still wearing the clothes I had worn the day before. I dreaded having to face everyone at school that day, especially Allison. I just couldn’t understand why she left me in the woods that day.

My eyes were glued to the floor in front of me as I made my way to my locker that morning. Having worn my hoodie that morning, I hid my face as deep into the hood as possible. Breathing a sigh of relief when I finally made it to my locker, I heard an angry voice from a few lockers down.

“Where were you?” The high-pitched voice asked accusingly.

I turned to look at Allison. “Where was I?” I asked, shocked. “The real question is, where were
you
?”

“Trevor told me what happened. He said you guys got into an argument and you took off down through the woods. We spent an hour or more searching for you! What did you do? Run off and hitch a ride with that loser, Chris?” Allison rolled her eyes in disgust. “And, by the way,” she added, “thanks for ruining my afternoon.” Allison glared at me angrily.

I just stared back at her, appalled, unsure of what to say. Moments later, Eva came up to Allison and threw her arm around Allison.

“Come on, bestie.” Eva smirked at me as she turned to lead Allison down the hallway.

“Unbelievable,” I mumbled under my breath as tears pooled in my eyes. Angrily, I wiped them away and stormed off to my first class, praying for a miracle to make me invisible.

When the lunch bell rang, I reluctantly made my way toward the cafeteria. I had been able to avoid Trevor all day, ducking into classrooms and sneaking into the bathroom when I would see him coming down the hallway. Lunch was a different story though. I knew, without a doubt, that I would have to face him.
Oh god, help me through this.
I scanned the crowd. His face didn’t jump out at me, thank god. Hopefully, I could just get through the line and hide in a far corner of the cafeteria until lunch was over. I ambled my way toward the cafeteria, hoping to avoid the rush of the crowd. Just as I rounded the corner, a set of hands grabbed my shoulders, spun me around, and slammed me into the brick wall. Menacing hazel eyes glared at me from above.
Shit!
Sheer terror shot through my body like a bolt a lightning.

“Trevor.” My breath caught in my throat.

“I’ve been looking for you,” he snarled.

“I…I—” Fear hijacked my voice.

Trevor loosened his grip. I glanced left and right, praying someone would walk by and see us. However, with my dawdling, the tardy bell had rung and all the students were either in their classrooms or in the cafeteria. No one lingered in the hallway.

Trevor leaned his head down to whisper in my ear. The sickening heat of his breath caused my mind to flash back to the last time I had felt it against my cheek. My stomach lurched with the thought of it. “Kaitlyn, don’t try to avoid me. You can’t escape me.”

I closed my eyes and swallowed back the bile that threatened the back of my throat. Suddenly, without warning, I felt Trevor’s hands being ripped from my shoulders and the sound of the wind being knocked out of him. Trevor grunted as his body was slammed into the wall next to me.

“Get your hands off her, asshole,” Chris glowered, staring him down like a bull ready to charge.

“Fuck you,” Trevor growled, spitting his words in Chris’s face.

“Don’t move, motherfucker. Don’t you fucking move one inch or I’ll slice your jugular faster than you can take your last breath.”

Something flashed out of the corner of my eye. Chris held the sharp blade of his knife taut against Trevor’s throat.
Oh shit!

Glancing at me, Chris hissed, “Get out of here, Kaitlyn.”

I struggled to breathe, let alone move.

“Go. Now.” he urged.

I didn’t think. I just panicked and ran. My legs felt like jelly as I clambered to escape the moment. Just as I rounded the corner, a small group of students walked by me. Their chatter echoed past me, completely unaware of the event taking place just a mere few feet away. I tried to command my voice to speak, to warn them, or to beg for help, but it refused. Panic and fear held me captive within myself.

I ran into the cafeteria and sank into a chair, breathing a sigh of relief. I should have said something. I should have done more. I laid my head on the table, trying to collect myself when I heard a loud ruckus just beyond the doors of the cafeteria.

“Fight! FIGHT!” I heard some students yell. Several people jumped up from their table to see the commotion.

Allison yelled at me from the doorway. “Kaitlyn! It’s Trevor and Chris!”

Automatically, I jumped up and ran out the door. Sure enough, Chris had tackled Trevor and was punching him repeatedly. I saw the knife lying beside them, just out of Chris’s reach. “Chris!” I screamed frantically.

“C’mon, punk! Whatcha gonna do about it? You think you can lay your hands on a girl? Well, let me teach you a little something, asshole.” Venomous words spewed from Chris’s clenched teeth as he continued to thrash wildly.

Coach Harrison ran through the door and broke through the crowd. With the help of Mr. Abernathy, the history teacher, they pulled Chris off of Trevor who had blood dripping from his nose and lips.

A long string of profanities erupted from both boys’ mouths as the two teachers dragged Chris down the hallway to the principal’s office. Mrs. Lowman grabbed Chris’s knife, and Mrs. Yount helped Trevor up off the floor, guiding him down the hall toward the nurse’s office.

Panic overwhelmed me as I realized what was happening. It would only be a matter of time before Chris would be sent back to juvie. The principal had already threatened Chris that one infraction would land him right back at Fairbanks. Possession of a knife on school property, along with the fight with Trevor, would probably mean he’d finish up the year there. I loathed Trevor for being the center of the whole mess.

“Great,” one of the football players said sarcastically. “There goes the game Friday night.”

A few others grumbled around him. The crowd dissolved, and I stood there motionless.

“Kaitlyn, you okay?” a familiar voice asked.

I turned to see Arnold standing behind me. “Yeah,” I whispered.

“Well personally, I’m glad Trevor got his butt kicked. He deserved it.” Arnold winked at me before he turned to walk away.

“Yeah,” I repeated, still in shock.